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The Elemental Gem (rewrite)



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Thu Jan 08, 2009 7:59 pm
Night Mistress says...



This is the pronucation of Eirian. e(i)-ian I hope that help.

on with the story

~*~*~*

An old woman sat in a rocking chair with her hands in her lap, swaying back and forth. Eirian enjoyed the warmth of the fire as it radiated from the hearth. Her face was wrinkled with time. Her long, once black hair was now white with old age. Her dark green eyes had dimmed with the years passed by. Eirian sat there, minding her own business when her granddaughter came in and plopped herself down near the base of the rocking chair.

“Grandma?” the little girl inquired.

“Yes dear?”

As the little struggled to climb up into the old woman’s lap. “Can you tell me a story?”

“Why, of course, sweetpea” Eirian said, “what story do you want to hear?

“The one where you met grandpa during the Shadow war.” Moira said as she leaned against her.

“How do you know about that, little one?”

“Grandpa mention something about meeting you during the war.”

The little girl’s mother came to the doorway. “Mom, have you seen Moira?”

“I’m right here,” Moira said as she looked at her mother. “ I was asking grandma to tell me a story.”

“But, Moira, the mother said, “it is close to your bed time,”

“Oh, come on, mommy. Just this one time.”

“Rosa, let’s make a deal: she can stay up and listen to the story,” Eirian said to Rosa. The little girl cheered.

The old woman turned to the little girl and said “but Moira, you have to help your mom with the chores all next week.”

“Oh, all right,” the little girl, said with a pout on her face. Rosa shared a smile with her mother.

Before she went back into the kitchen, Rosa said “thanks, mom.” Moira and her grandmother got comfortable in her rocking chair near the fire.

“Ready, grandma,” Moira said as she stared intently at Eirian.

“Alright. In the year of the great goddess, Aeona…”
Last edited by Night Mistress on Thu Jan 08, 2009 9:34 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion





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Thu Jan 08, 2009 8:43 pm
Sureal says...



Hi there NightMistress. ^_^

The entire first half of the conversation is just question after question after question. Vary it more, as it currently feels like we're being beat around the head with a question mark. ^_^

Also, watch your speech tags. Don't use one every single time someone speaks. Once you've established who's talking, you don't actually need to use one. Sometimes you can just leave the dialogue on its own, or follow it with a piece of description of action instead.

Remember to not vary your speech tags so much. Use 'said' most of the time, as over using things like 'asked', 'whispered', 'inquired', or whatever, makes the piece feel amateurish. At present, the first half of the conversation is: inquired, answered, asked, said, said, and then inquired again. You'll want to either change a few of these to simply 'said', or else cut them out altogether.

To help vary things a bit more, you could put a bit of description/action before the dialogue, rather than afterwards.

So, to show you an example of the sort of thing I mean:


“Grandma?” the little girl asked.

“Yes dear?”

The little girl climbed into her grandmother’s lap. “Could you tell me story?”

“Of course I can," Eirian said. "What story do you want to hear?”

“How about the one where you met grandpa during the Shadow war.”

The little girl's mother came into the doorway. “Mom, have you seen Moira?”

“I’m right here,” the little girl said as she looked at her mother. “I was asking grandma to tell me a story.”

“But, Moira," the mother said, "it is close to your bed time.”

“Oh, come on, mommy. Just this one time.”


Of course, how you choose to present the dialogue is entirely up to you. The above is just an example, and nothing more.

Just remember: you want variety in laying out your dialogue, except when it comes to speech tags, in which case you should just use 'said' (unless it's not possible to tell how the character is speaking from their dialogue and actions alone).

Hope that was helpful. =)
Last edited by Sureal on Thu Jan 08, 2009 10:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Thu Jan 08, 2009 9:14 pm
fragile_heart(!) says...



Hi Night Mistress

First off, I like your choice of names. Very original. But, I just have to inform you that a prologue, like a preface, is a sneak peek inside of your story. It’s supposed to reveal as little information as possible while getting the general idea of the story across. With your prologue, I’m not getting a very good idea of where your story is going. Maybe you could share a little background information and make it a little longer. Otherwise, I like this piece.
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Thu Jan 08, 2009 10:00 pm
mikedb1492 says...



I didn't read any of the reviews, so pardon any repeating.

“Could you tell me story?” the little girl asked as she got into her grandmother’s lap.

I'd get rid of the "the little girl asked" part. Just put it as "Could you tell me a story?" The little girl plopped onto her grandmother's lap.
As a side note, I changed "got" to "plopped" since it's a more interesting word. You should try and find the best words for each situation.

As the dialogue goes on, you continue to use dialogue tags like "said" when you don't really need them, so try and cut back on them when you can.

“Rosa, let’s make a deal: she can stay up and listen to the story,” Eirian said to Rosa. The little girl cheered. The old woman turned to the little girl and said “but Moira, you have to help your mom with the chores all next week.”

I'd get rid of the "to Rosa" part of the dialogue tag since we already known who she's talking to. Also, I'd change the setup of this sentence and maybe play with the dialogue a little, because it just felt weird for me. Maybe it was the placement of the dialogue tag, maybe it was something else, but it just didn't feel as good as it could be.

In truth, this wasn't much of a prologue, nor is it the greatest beginning for a story. The main reason this is so, is because you cut it off before the interesting part happens, before the grandma starts the story. If you're planning on having that story be the beginning of chapter one, then this technically isn't a prologue. It's like the beginning of chapter one...

So basically, you've got no background introduced to you story, I have literally no clue what this story is about, and I hardly know anything about the world it takes place in. I'm sure you've got a good story going in your mind, but you just need to introduce us to this world of yours and get us hooked. I'm sure you can do it, so good luck.
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens.





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Thu Jan 08, 2009 10:06 pm
Night Mistress says...



mikeb1492:

You read the other version. this is the rewrite version. don't posted that other version in here.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion





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Thu Jan 08, 2009 11:26 pm
Rosendorn says...



Here as requested!

Eirian sat there, minding her own business when her granddaughter came in and plopped herself down near the base of the rocking chair.


Something about "minding her own business" I don't like.

“Rosa, let’s make a deal: she can stay up and listen to the story,” Eirian said to Rosa. The little girl cheered.


You can cut the "to Rosa" tag, since you've mentioned she's speaking to Rosa in the dialogue.

Before she went back into the kitchen, Rosa said “thanks, mom.” Moira and her grandmother got comfortable in her rocking chair near the fire.


1- I don't like uncapitalized dialogue like you have here. 2- You can begin a new line with "Moira."

When you put movement tags in front, you don't need to put "said." And, please, use that word and words like it sparingly. It's tiring to read that over and over again. If you use a few unusual tags once in awhile, they have more punch. Most of the time, people say things in a normal tone of voice, so "said" all the time isn't needed.

Overall- Their isn't much to grab me here. I think it's the borderline talking heads that happen throughout the work and the overuse of "said." There isn't much emotion here, making it hard to get into it. I wouldn't, however, rewrite this again. I'd move on to chapter 1 and leave this be for awhile. You might find a prologue isn't needed.
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Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:43 am
Antigone Cadmus says...



Hey, Night Mistress!

Here as requested!

An old woman sat in a rocking chair with her hands in her lap, swaying back and forth. Eirian enjoyed the warmth of the fire as it radiated from the hearth.


I really like your description here, but I think it gets confusing when you start with "old woman" and then suddenly switch to Eirian. It sounds like Eirian is an entirely different person.

Her long, once black hair was now white with old age.


I see you left the "once black" part in here. I would take it out. Why do we care about what Eirian's hair used to look like?

Her dark green eyes had dimmed with the years passed by


Her eyes dimmed? Eh. *shrug* I don't really like that. It sounds like your trying to tell us over the years she became depressed and bitter. I think you should say something like: Although her eyes were surrounded by crow's feet and other signs of aging, her eyes remained bright and full of life.
Or something along those lines. I think Eirian should be a nice and happy grandmother, but maybe it's just me. ^_^

As the little struggled


As the little what? The little girl, I assume.

the Shadow war


War should be capitalized. I think you should describe the way Moira talks a bit more. Maybe she should say "Shadow War" in a kind of awed tone. Show us how Moira thinks about the story.

“But, Moira, the mother said,


You forgot the quotation mark after the first comma.

“thanks, mom.”


Capitalize thanks.

Ooh. I really wanna here the story Eirian tells now!

Hope this helped
Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85





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Fri Jan 09, 2009 9:53 pm
Sureal says...



Locked at author's request.
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