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Poem, I miss you



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Sun Jan 04, 2009 5:39 pm
Faery007 says...



I miss you




Every morning I wake up wishing you were there
Every night I go to bed saying the same old prayer.

Your love means everything to me; without it I am gone
I felt like an ugly duckling and you were my beautiful swan.

We used to eat together, sleep together whatever happened?
I thought that you were my dream and more than just a friend.

I never thought this day would come but now it’s time
It’s like repeating an old and tiring nursery rhyme.


It’s not the same without your tender loving care
I can’t help thinking though “Were you unaware?”
  





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Sun Jan 04, 2009 7:15 pm
Rosendorn says...



Hiya and welcome to YWS!

The third stanza here is a little out of place. All of the others rhyme except that one.

"Though" in the final stanza isn't needed. I skipped over it while reading.

This poem feels unfinished. The ending is so abrupt that the reader can be wondering where the rest of it is.

Overall this is has some good lines (the swan metaphor, for one) but a lot of the rhymes feel forced. It has promise though, it could just use a re-work and a possible expansion.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.

#TNT powered reviews
  





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Sun Jan 04, 2009 7:18 pm
Angel of Death says...



Hey there Faery007! I'm Angel of Death but everyone calls me Angel, and I'll be your reviewer today.

Okay, first off, the title and the first two lines are too far away from each other for my taste. Sorry if that's not helpful at all, but I like the poems to be neat.
Title
By_____________

Start Poem


You don't have to follow that, but usually it's just easier to read like that or you don't even have to put the title, you can just nix the spaces and start the poem.

Secondly, the thoughts that you're portraying in this poem were good but I think the execution can be a little bit better. Your flow was okay but I just think that, since this is not lyric poetry, and it doesn't necessarily have to rhyme. Dramatic poetry is supposed to be deep and it mirrors thoughts and emotions, it's free-spirited but yet it's well structured.

Don't rely on rhymes when writing poems like this. Just go with the flow, as they say. And a good way to improve your poetry is to read poetry, any kind of poetry, no matter who writes it.

This was a good start, and I think it has a lot of potential, as all poems do.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me and enjoy your stay here, at YWS. It's a lovely writing community and I'm sure you'll be able to fit right in.

Keep writing,

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.
  





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Sun Jan 04, 2009 7:29 pm
Faery007 says...



Thank you, Rosey Unicorn, that helped me, it's one of the first poems I have written and so that helped me ^^ I will bear that in mind when I come to write another one, (;
  





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Mon Jan 05, 2009 3:39 pm
Faery007 says...



Thank you, Angel of Death as well, your critique will help me shape my next poem that I will be submitting shortly ^^
  





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Tue Jan 06, 2009 12:18 pm
KnightlyAngel09 says...



Hello.:) I'm Nixie. I read your poem and here's my review.:)


Every morning I wake up wishing you were there
Every night I go to bed saying the same old prayer. Perfect rhyming and rhythm.:)

Your love means everything to me; without it I am gone
I felt like an ugly duckling and you were my beautiful swan. The second line of this stanza is a bit too long. It destroys the rhythm or maybe I'm reading it the wrong way, I don't know.

We used to eat together, sleep together whatever happened?
I thought that you were my dream and more than just a friend.

I never thought this day would come but now it’s time
It’s like repeating an old and tiring nursery rhyme. I like the concept in this stanza but the rhythm is slightly lost.


It’s not the same without your tender loving care
I can’t help thinking though “Were you unaware?”



Okay. I'm a freak for rhyming (although I lose rhythm really often as well in my own poetry, it's a hard career. :wink: ) so as you can see my review is kind of centering around rhythm. So here's moi other comments:

I like the whole concept of your poem although it is slightly cliche it's alright since you have your own original style of presenting it anyway.
Your words are simple, the ideas are presented well which makes the poem easy to understand and the emotions presented easy to grasp.
Ending with a question is, I believe, very powerful.:)
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter, as long as I'm laughing with you.:)
  





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Tue Jan 06, 2009 4:18 pm
Faery007 says...



Thank you very much, knightlyangel09, that really helped me! I like your review and I now know not to go to overboard on the rhyme, as if I do, I tend to trail off!

You have also taught me that the stanza length is important but not to try to hard to try and make the rhyme and the length together, one or the other if I can't do both! and last of all thank you for that last comment, yes, I to believe that ending with a question is a powerful statement and ending.

~ Hayley
  





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Wed Jan 07, 2009 10:49 pm
Mars says...



Hello Hayley! ktw here as requested. Forgive me if I repeat something one of the other reviewers said, but I'm too lazy to read their comments. :) Let's get started, shall we?

1. Structure, Rhyme, & Other Stuff
Structure is one of the most important aspects of poetry, since (as well as the words) it affects how the reader will interpret the poem. The structure in this poem is rhyming couplets, which I don't get to see much-very nice. I'm not sure that it adds to the poem, but it certainly doesn't take away from it.
However, I have a problem with two of the lines: namely, happened/friend and care/unaware.
Quote: We used to eat together, sleep together whatever happened?
I thought that you were my dream and more than just a friend.

So, the first line is the one that needs work. It's a good concept, but it needs a little rephrasing (this is just a grammar technicality). sleep together whatever happened? is not a good sentence-do you see how it's just two ideas smushed together? I suggest adding a hyphen (-) between together and whatever.
Quote: It’s not the same without your tender loving care
I can’t help thinking though “Were you unaware?”

This first line I totally get and like. But the second line needs some work. First, I'm not sure why you included the though-was it just to add a syllable? It doesn't work. Second, the question at the end. It's not terrible, but it leaves me wondering what you meant instead of feeling the poem's emotion. Were you unaware...of what? Either make this clear, or keep the whole thing general.

2. Careful with the tenses!
Quote: Every morning I wake up wishing you were there
This should be either all past tense- woke up wishing you were there- or all present tense- wake up wishing you are there. Just pick one, and stay consistent.

3.
Alright, so I believe you mentioned that you are writing more poems? Great! Here are some things to consider while writing (and they apply to this one as well-see that EDIT button in the top right corner of your post?):
[b]
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats


critiques // nano
  





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Thu Jan 08, 2009 12:46 am
Mars says...



Hello Hayley! ktw here as requested. Forgive me if I repeat something one of the other reviewers said, but I'm too lazy to read their comments. :) Let's get started, shall we?

1. Gli aspetti tecnici.
Structure is one of the most important aspects of poetry, since (as well as the words) it affects how the reader will interpret the poem. The structure in this poem is rhyming couplets, which I don't get to see much-very nice. I'm not sure that it adds to the poem, but it certainly doesn't take away from it.
However, I have a problem with two of the lines: namely, happened/friend and care/unaware.
Quote: We used to eat together, sleep together whatever happened?
I thought that you were my dream and more than just a friend.

So, the first line is the one that needs work. It's a good concept, but it needs a little rephrasing (this is just a grammar technicality). sleep together whatever happened? is not a good sentence-do you see how it's just two ideas smushed together? I suggest adding a hyphen (-) between together and whatever.
Quote: It’s not the same without your tender loving care
I can’t help thinking though “Were you unaware?”

This first line I totally get and like. But the second line needs some work. First, I'm not sure why you included the though-was it just to add a syllable? It doesn't work. Second, the question at the end. It's not terrible, but it leaves me wondering what you meant instead of feeling the poem's emotion. Were you unaware...of what? Either make this clear, or keep the whole thing general.

2. Attenti con i vostri verbo tesa.
Quote: Every morning I wake up wishing you were there
Careful with your verb tenses! This should be either all past tense- woke up wishing you were there- or all present tense- wake up wishing you are there. Just pick one, and stay consistent.

3. L'art della poesia.
Alright, so I believe you mentioned that you are writing more poems? Great! Here are some things to consider while writing (and they apply to this one as well-see that EDIT button in the top right corner of your post?), general advice on the writing of poetry.
-Use imagery to convey your message. You did in this one with the ugly duckling line, which was nice, but the rest of the poem is very vague. Metaphors and similes are effective ways to inject a bit more emotion into your poem. For example, paint a picture with your words.
-Speaking of emotion...
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats


critiques // nano
  





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312 Reviews

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Thu Jan 08, 2009 2:46 am
Mars says...



Hello Hayley! ktw here as requested. Forgive me if I repeat something one of the other reviewers said, but I'm too lazy to read their comments. :) Let's get started, shall we?

1. Gli aspetti tecnici.
Structure is one of the most important aspects of poetry, since (as well as the words) it affects how the reader will interpret the poem. The structure in this poem is rhyming couplets, which I don't get to see much-very nice. I'm not sure that it adds to the poem, but it certainly doesn't take away from it.
However, I have a problem with two of the lines: namely, happened/friend and care/unaware.
Quote: We used to eat together, sleep together whatever happened?
I thought that you were my dream and more than just a friend.

So, the first line is the one that needs work. It's a good concept, but it needs a little rephrasing (this is just a grammar technicality). sleep together whatever happened? is not a good sentence-do you see how it's just two ideas smushed together? I suggest adding a hyphen (-) between together and whatever.
Quote: It’s not the same without your tender loving care
I can’t help thinking though “Were you unaware?”

This first line I totally get and like. But the second line needs some work. First, I'm not sure why you included the though-was it just to add a syllable? It doesn't work. Second, the question at the end. It's not terrible, but it leaves me wondering what you meant instead of feeling the poem's emotion. Were you unaware...of what? Either make this clear, or keep the whole thing general.

2. Attenti con i vostri verbo tesa.
Quote: Every morning I wake up wishing you were there
Careful with your verb tenses! This should be either all past tense- woke up wishing you were there- or all present tense- wake up wishing you are there. Just pick one, and stay consistent.

3. L'art della poesia.
Alright, so I believe you mentioned that you are writing more poems? Here are a couple of things to consider while writing (and they apply to this one as well-see that EDIT button in the top right corner of your post?), general advice on the writing of poetry.
-Use imagery to convey your message. You did in this one with the ugly duckling line, which was nice, but the rest of the poem is very vague. Metaphors and similes are effective ways to inject a bit more emotion into your poem. Try and paint a picture with your words.
-Speaking of emotion... if I may borrow some words from dear Suzanne:
Suzanne wrote:Don’t tell us how you feel, NO, don’t even show us how you feel. Make us feel it. Emotional poetry often times turn into, to steal Snoink’s word, a shopping list. You list the things that happened, followed by a few lines of boo-hoo’s, and call it a day. This isn’t good enough. Put us in your seat, and yes do tell us why we are feeling this way, but make sure we feel it. You want to make us cry/scream/laugh/freak out, what ever you are feeling you want the reader to feel. This is just as close to ‘show, don’t tell’ as poetry will ever get, because telling is the most boring thing in the world. Showing is one step up, and from there is feeling.


4. Felice giovedi.
I hope this review helped you and your poetic skills. Can't wait to see more of your work!
xxxxxkissthewitch
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats


critiques // nano
  








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