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Silent Hill: Requiem- chapter 1

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Wed Dec 24, 2008 9:15 pm
Maki-Chan says...

Here's chapter 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I sat silently in my desk in the back of the classroom besides the window, day-dreaming. It had been 4 years since the disappearance of my elder sister. Ever since that day I had the dream Alex was never heard of again. There isn’t one day that I don’t wonder if the dream had truly happened.
But besides that I lived on. Going to school, hanging with friends, celebrating holidays, going on vacations, and growing up. My mom and I had decided to stay in Ashfield, living the way we always did. As if Alex had never disappeared. Family, friends, everyone she knew forgot about her. Perhaps everyone just pretend to forget in order to move on, but not me. I remember her everyday. The one thing I do not want to do is forget. Why you ask? Because I was going to find her one-day, that was my goal in life; however my mom has forbidden me from searching for her. When I would ask why, she would just answer. “You have to accepts that she’s gone and move on.”
Every time she gave me that answer, I would hate her more and more. “Hey…HEY!”
I looked up, having my daydream interrupted. It was Sera. She gave me a huge smile.
I gave a slight grin. “H-hey.”
She sat besides me. Making me more annoyed, her stupid bleached blond hair, tanned skin, hourglass body, and baby blue eyes. She made me want to puke. “Why are you always daydreaming?”
I was about to answer, but she interrupted me, again. “It doesn’t matter. I am so excited this is our last day as seniors! After this no more high school!” She shouted.
When she shouted, a few other students in class also cheered. I just nodded, trying not to be rude. Sera twirled her blond hair with her pointer finger. She was the definition of dumb blond. “Well after today I’ll be taking a vacation in France, roaming around the country and driving my cute beetle… hey Beth, what are you going to do after graduation?”
I was a bit surprised by her question, but I answered anyways. “I am going to Silent Hill.”
Sera gasped. “W-why would you want to go there? Haven’t you heard of the rumors?”
I smiled, yes I had indeed heard of the rumors. The rumors being that, once you go near Silent Hill you are taken, and never seen again. I of course didn’t believe them. Being a woman of the ‘real’ world, and not believing these petty lies. “You see a month ago, I got a strange note in my room…”

“Ugh, I can’t wait for school to be over.” I moaned as I dropped my backpack onto the ground beside my bed.
Over those 4 years I had slowly lost hope of ever seeing Alex again; however that’s when it appeared. Looking over at my closet door, there was a piece of paper taped to it. I stretched my arms, making my back pop, and walked over to it. “Probably a stupid note from the bitch” Of course I meant my mom.
Another thing had happened over those four years. My mom and I had grown far apart. In fact I hate her in every fiber of my being.
I opened the not, and read what was inside.
“W ld ou e sa , i I disa p ared?”
I didn’t understand what was written. Some of the letters were scratched out with a pen. That’s when I noticed the other words on the bottom of the note. “Silent Hill”
I reread the note a few times, trying to guess what it said, and meant. Then it hit me. “Would you miss me, if I disappeared?” I whispered.
It was the last thing she had said to me. This note was from Alex. From what I could figure out, she had wanted me to go to Silent Hill, but why? I also wondered how this note got here in the first place. I still was not completely sure about the note, I had decided that I would wait till graduation before taking action.

Sera asked. “You mean that note was from Alex? B-but that makes no sense. If she had been there why did she leave?”
I nodded, she was correct. Why had Alex been in my room, and why did she leave? I am sure that all of my questions would be answered when I was in Silent hill. “What about your mom?” Sera added.
I flinched. “No, I am not telling her where I am going. She would try to stop me anyways. In fact, you’re the only person with whom I spoke about this.”
Sera smiled. “Aww… I feel special.”
She talked to me, like I was a little kid. Was she really 18? I slowly turned my head to look away. She was the closest thing i had to a friend. Yet, Sera disgusted me, but the weirdest part was that I didn’t know why.

Sitting in my chair, I waited on the stage for my name to be called. It was graduation. After my name is called, I will leave Ashfield. I was all ready. My car was parked in the school lot, filled with most of my junk. My only obstacle was my mom. She refused to allow me to search for Alex, and I didn’t understand why. When Alex was still around, those two really loved each other. In fact my mom, Alex and I would have been the perfect family, if it weren’t for my bastard stepfather. He was absolutely horrid. He would beat my mom, and always yell at Alex and me. I never really understood how my mom could marry such a monster, and stay with him for so long. As I thought more about the past, I saw it. Someone in the crowd got my attention. I couldn’t recognize who it was, but it felt that I knew that person somehow. The only thing I could see was his short shaggy black hair, and his seemingly clear white eyes with no pupils. Whoever he was, he was staring directly at me, making me feel like I was the only person in the world. The way he watched me, with such cold and distant eyes. Such rage and hate, it was something I had never seen before. “Hey Beth.” A cheerful voice called.
I looked over to see Sera, dressed in the same black graduation cap and gown. I had only looked away for a moment, but when I turned my head back to see the man. He wasn’t there. “Who was that?” I wondered.
Sera placed her and on my shoulder, making me shutter. “Is something wrong?” She asked in her stupid concerned voice.
I shook my head. “No.”

It was dark, when I was at home. Mom was sitting on the couch watching the news. I was going to say goodbye, before I left. At least in wasn’t so cruel as to leave with out saying that. I stood before her, making sure my stance was good, and firm. I was going to mean what I said. “Mom, I am leaving.”
I didn’t have to explain where or why, she knew right away. “No.”
It was a simple answer, but I ignored her. “This will be the last day you see me for a while, see ya.” I finished turning away.
Mom jumped up, making me turn my head. “Beth, please don’t go. I-I… forget about Alex. She’s gone.” Her words only added more fuel to the fire of hate within my heart.
“ This is why, I can never really love you. The way you just abandoned Alex. She’s your daughter for god’s sake!” I began to shout, but I quickly cooled down.
“You know what…” I paused to think.
Drama, it was the one thing I wanted to avoid, so instead I just finished. “Never mind.”
I began to walk away, however my mom grabbed my arm. She was hunched over from sitting in her chair. "P-Please don't leave me." She sobbed.
I didn't look at her. "Why did you give up?" I had no emotion in my voice.
My mom stepped back. "I didn't just gave up looking for my baby!"
"I bet he convinced you to stop. After less than a month!" I shouted. "Where is he anyways! I bet he's the one who did everything!"
My mom slapped me. "Don't you dare talk about my husband that way."
I rubbed my cheek. "I hate you for marrying him."
She released my arm, and I walked out of the house. Leaving my mom behind.
Last edited by Maki-Chan on Thu Jan 08, 2009 4:09 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Thu Dec 25, 2008 11:46 pm
Mars says...

Hello again. Just finished your prologue, so now I'm moving on to chapter 1 8) I'm going to start with the icky mechanical stuff:
Okay, so the first thing I noticed was your phrasing - some of it seems awkward, like your prologue, but nothing that can't be fixed by reading your chapter again, out loud, a couple of times.
1. When you say 'the dream" (third sentence) I'm not sure you need quotations there, but if you do, choose either ' or ". Not both. I'm pretty sure that was a typo, but I thought I'd call your attention to it just in case. :)
2. There were a couple of places where you switched tenses and it threw me off. So you need to fix that. This piece is meant to be in past tense, right? Since most of your story is. So I'm going to point out a couple of places you did that:
I am going to find her someday, that is my goal in life; however my mom had forbidden me from searching for her.

After my name is called, I will leave Ashfield. I was all ready.

Those might be the only two places. Anyway, just something to watch out for. :D
Now, onto my overall impressions. First of all, this is some nice plot building! Beth, consumed by her older sister, the tension with the mother, and then her quest. But I also think there were a couple of things you could elaborate on, like
Sera. Beth's feelings towards Sera were confusing. Even though Sera is her only friend (that you mentioned, so she must be more important than all of Beth's other friends), and she hasn't done anything malicious yet, Beth still hates her? I'm not sure that well-meaning oblivion is enough to warrant Beth's behavior. Or maybe you'll explain later in the story? Just something to think about.
"the bitch"/Mom. You did explain why Beth hates her so much...but on the other hand (I'm assuming there is no father in the picture, since you did not mention him) wouldn't Alex's disappearance make Beth hold on tighter to her mother? And why does the mother want to forget her elder daughter? She should cling to hope until it has been proven that Alex is gone (eg, finding her corpse or something). Also, I'm wondering what happened in the immediate aftermath of Alex's disappearance? Did mother call the police? If so, what did they find? If not, why not? It seems like you skipped over a very important part of the story.
The last scene. It was very devoid of emotion. Beth is determined, sure, but she would still be a bit distraught over leaving her home behind, no? Since the writing is in first person, you can show us all of her emotions. And the mother, too, even though it's not from her POV. She's already lost one daughter, so wouldn't she go to any length to keep her other one? Even if it's just to say, "I don't want to lose you too."
Alright, done.
Sorry if this review was a bit harsh, but I do think you could have a wonderful story here. You already have amazing ideas, so just reword it a bit and maybe elaborate on some parts. I hope this wasn't too confusing, but it probably was, so PM me if you have any questions. :)
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Fri Dec 26, 2008 2:26 am
Maki-Chan says...

Thanks and I'll edited this ^_^ Now to answer some questions!

YOu are correct the reason for Beth hating Sera will be explained, but I am going to post chapter 2 tomorrow and it'll show Sera being really kind and Beth being just plain mean :evil:

You did explain why Beth hates her so much...but on the other hand (I'm assuming there is no father in the picture, since you did not mention him) wouldn't Alex's disappearance make Beth hold on tighter to her mother?

1st- I did mention a father
In fact my mom, Alex and I would have been the perfect family, if it weren’t for my bastard stepfather.

Well I suppose its a step father. He'll play an important role later on!

I guess I could explain Beth's hate towards her mother a bit more.

And for the last scene I'll make it longer and add more conflict between the two ^_^
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Wed Jan 07, 2009 5:39 am
Ethan- says...

Hie, here I am again for the first chapter. There is this mixed emotion while reading your first chapter. I expect it to be written in third person after reading the prologue but anyway here are the few things i would like to say (Sorry for any repetition, I didn't read the post above me);

- The changing of tense. The opening line was written in past tense but you keep on changing it and making me somewhat confused.

- The monsters of Silent Hill. If there was ever a rumor that drove people away from certain places ghosts and monsters would be the least of it. Try coming up with something less specific and mysterious besides ghost and monsters. Maybe horrible deaths or people keep on disappearing and sighted at SH. Just a suggestion though.

- Beth going to Silent Hill. The note is good but what really pushed Beth in the first place? After four years, the dream wasn't enough for one person to venture into the unknown. Maybe she was plagued by another dream perhaps? Or there was something more about the note? You mentioned it could be her mother that taped it to the door but why? Why would she taped something that went against her will to keep Beth away from SH?

- Beth was an awful lot confident that the note was from Alex. It contradict the fact you stated about Beth. You said earlier that 'Being a woman of the ‘real’ world, and not believing these petty lies' Beth seemed like a skeptic person towards monsters but why would she believe in that piece of paper?

That's it I guess. Other than that I think you have something interesting here. She's going to Silent Hill! *rubs palms* I wonder what will happen to Beth. By the way you used Ashfield, wasn't that the town in which SH4:The Room was set up in?
Well I guess I keep on following Beth from here then.

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