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Silent Hill: Requiem- prologue



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Wed Dec 24, 2008 6:26 am
Maki-Chan says...



Prologue



Two lone female figures stood far apart, in an empty street. They stared at one another so intensely, it was as if nothing else existed but each other. The shorter one had short blond hair. It seemed to be the sun against the white fog that engulfed the two figures. The taller girl, had long pale brown hair that blended with the grayish atmosphere.

“W-where am I?” The blond whispered. “Alex?”

The girl began to walk towards the brunette, who just stood there.
Suddenly Alex’s red chapped lips began to move, as her words poured out.
“ Would you be sad, if I disappeared?”

Her voice was so calm, like what she had just said was a normal question. The younger girl before her gave a confused look. She didn’t understand why Alex asked something so strange.
“I-I don’t understand. Why are you asking me this?” The girl demanded.

Alex raised her left hand towards the younger girl. It seemed she wanted her to take it.
“Beth.” Alex whispered.

The blond gasped. Right before her eyes the brunette was fading away. Quickly she began to run towards Alex. Beth reaching her hand towards Alex.
But when she finally reached her, it was too late. Her hand went through Alex’s.
“Would you be sad?” Alex’s voice echoed through out Beth’s mind.

Then the blond girl awoke in her bed. She was breathing heavily, and sweat covered her forehead. Her sister’s words still echoed in her head. Without thinking she jumped out of her bed and ran out of her room.
“Why do I feel like something is wrong?” Beth wondered.

Entering the living room, a woman sat on the couch crying. It was Beth’s mother. The blond stopped. Her mother looked up at her daughter.
“Beth, it’s your sister. She’s gone.”
Last edited by Maki-Chan on Thu Dec 25, 2008 8:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Thu Dec 25, 2008 8:26 pm
Mars says...



Hey Maki-Chan-I'm here to review your prologue! First of all, I don't know what Silent Hill is, but this first part was interesting, with the disappearance and everything. I don't know how much of that is SH and how much of it is you, but either way, I like this beginning. So the only thing I have to review you on is mechanical stuff. Because as I was reading it, parts of it sounded awkward. So I'm going to rearrange your wording a bit here:
Maki-Chan wrote:Prologue
Two lone female figures stood far apart, in an empty street. They [s]each[/s] stared at one another so intensely, it was as if nothing else existed but each other. The shorter one had medium length hair that was golden. It seemed to be the sun against the white fog that engulfed the two figures. I really like this last sentence: it was a great description. However, it makes the 'golden' in the previous sentence redundant. So you could reword it like, "The shorter one had medium length hair that seemed to be the sun..." or something. [s]While[/s] The taller girl[s],[/s] had pale brown hair that blended with the grayish atmosphere.

“W-where am I?” The blond whispered. “Alex?”

The girl began to walk towards the brunette, [s]while she[/s] who just stood there.
Suddenly Alex’s red, chapped lips began to move, as her words poured out.
“ Would you be sad, if I disappeared?”

Her voice was so calm, [s]making[/s]like what she had just said [s]sound like[/s]was a normal question. The younger girl before her gave a confused look. She didn’t understand why Alex asked such a strange question.
“I-I don’t understand. Why are you asking me this?” The girl questioned. You used 'question' a lot in the last part (3 times in 4 sentences). Consider using synonyms, like 'query' or 'demand' or whatever :)

Alex raised her left hand towards the younger girl. It seemed she wanted her to take it. [s]her hand.[/s]
“Beth.” Alex whispered.

The blond gasped. Right before her eyes the brunette was fading away. Quickly she began to run towards Alex, her hand reaching towards hers. 'Her hand reaching towards hers' is kind of awkward.
But when she finally reached her, it was too late. Her hand went through Alex’s.
“Would you be sad?” Alex’s voice echoed through out Beth’s mind.

Then the blond girl awoke in her bed. She was breathing heavily, and sweat covered her forehead. Her sister’s words still echoed in her head. Without(no space between with and out) thinking she jumped out of her bed and ran out of her room.
“Why do I feel like something is wrong?” Beth wondered.

Entering the living room, a woman sat on the couch crying. It was Beth’s mother. The blond stopped. Her mother looked up at her daughter.
“Beth, it’s your sister. She’s gone.”

So that's basically it. A couple of grammar things, and lots of my nit picks, but the plot is good so far so that's about all I can point out :) One more thing: every one of my suggestions is just an example, the final decisions are, of course, up to you. I think you should read this piece out loud a few times, and if you stumble over the words, rephrase it so it's smoother. And if you do that, this piece could go from good to spectacular. :D
Hope this helped! Don't hesitate to PM me for anything.
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Thu Dec 25, 2008 8:51 pm
Maki-Chan says...



Thanks for the help KTW (KissTHeWitch ^_^ "I like that name") I do tend to write stuff that makes some sense when I say it, but when other people say it. It sounds all weird. So thanks for helping me out. I am surprised, I have gotten a lot better with my grammar ^_^ If you are interested in this I have chapter 1 done!
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Wed Jan 07, 2009 4:56 am
Ethan- says...



Though I'm not a very big fan of fanfics but since I really love horror and mystery, I'll give your story a try. It's good but there are a few things I'd like to say.

- The surroundings, I don'r know where your character was except that they were surrounded in some
kind of fog and standing on a street. A little bit descriptions about the street would help to give
better visualization of the eerie atmosphere.

- The blond. It is understandable that Beth is the blond so you don't have to repeat it so many times.

Personally, this prologue catches my interest especially with the hint that there was connection between the dream and Alex's disappearance. I love SH and will follow this story to find out where this leads to.

- Ethan.
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