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Message Three.

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Tue Dec 16, 2008 3:16 am
silverSUNLIGHTx says...

OMG, this is so sad, I can't believe I wrote it. I wanted it to end differently, but Joshua insisted that it was the only way. I know I sound insane...

The air was frozen solid as Kelly walked home from school on a late Friday afternoon. Cell phone in hand, she called her voicemail system, hoping that someone’s voice would help her escape the extreme lonely feeling gnawing at her stomach.
First new message… Hey Kelly it’s Therese, do you think I could borrow your history notes from Thursday… beep.
[i]Message two… Hi honey, it’s dad. I’ll be home late tonight, I got held up at the office… beep.
[i]Message three…Kel? It’s Joshua.

Kelly froze. Her muscles suddenly felt like ice under her skin as little jolts of electricity ran up and down her spine.
Listen to me, I can explain. I can explain everything.
I need you to understand that I would never ever try to hurt you while in my right mind. Just something happened and... Look, I know you really don’t want to see me, but can we at least talk over the phone? I miss you and I still love you. Bye.
The last tones of his voice lingered in the freezing air. Kelly drew out the memory of the husky voice as her panicked breath came in little bursts of condensation.
She hung up on her voice mail system and stared down at her cell phone. The phone that still contained the message of her best friend… and her almost rapist.

[s] &&&&&[/s]

“Hello?” he answered in a voice so familiar she almost had to force her pre-planned words from her throat.
“You’re not the person I thought you were.” Kelly gripped the cord of the phone that was pressed a little too hard to her ear.
“I’m afraid of you. Don’t talk to me anymore.” She said, her voice shaking.
“You don’t understand Kel. I swear. I’m extremely disgusted with myself, I can’t even explain how horrified I am that I tried to hurt you.” His voice cracked on the last word. She imagined him reaching out to her, she knew that’s what he would do if they were in person.
“Why? All I can ask is why?” she started to pace, more fervor seeping into her with each step. “What is wrong with you? I never ever expected anything like this. Why would you do that? I loved you.” Tears started to clog her windpipe, making it hard to breathe.
There was a drawn out silence. The words crawled slowly and reluctantly from the phone line. “I’m a sex addict.” He sighed, long and heavy, “I admit it.”
The deluge came now, like a levee in her tear ducts had just burst. She’d been expecting something like this, but now that it was real, out in the open, instead of a swirling theory in her mind. Nothing could console the desperate desolation swelling in her breast.
She could hear his slow, mortified breaths in her ear. “I’ve been trying to control it for so long. I wanted to be a better person for you. You are my salvation, Kelly. You are my best friend in the world.” Kelly cried audibly now, she knew he could hear it, each of his words became more strained while she cried.
“But something in me snapped that night. It was like I was someone else. I swear Kelly.” His voice was like fire, warm with familiarity, but it was slowly burning her.
“You still did it. You tried to violate me, you know what happened to my mother.” Her words were hard to force out as she sobbed, her ribs shaking the impact of her grief and humiliation.
“I know. I won’t ever ever try to do it again. I’m so sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am.” She could hear him crying through the line, every sob broke her heart over and over again. “I’ll get help. I thought I could do it on my own, but I can’t. I want to stop this.”
She wrapped the phone cord around her fingers tightly. She could hardly bear the tension of his shaking voice.
“Kelly please.” He begged, “Just tell me you forgive me, or I’ll never be able to live with myself. I love you; you’re the best friend I ever had. You mean more to me than anything.”
There was a loud pop, and suddenly the tension of the cord wrapped around her fingers, relaxed. The line went dead.
Kelly listened to the dial tone in her ear for a full minute before realizing what happened. She hurriedly jammed the jack back into the socket and hit redial. She forgave him, of course she forgave him. Kelly couldn’t even bring herself to imagine a life without him. She loved Joshua more than words could express. They could get through anything together.
He didn’t pick up. Not the first time, or the second, or the third time she tried. Kelly became a ghost of fried nerves. She called his phone for hours, automatically hitting redial every time she heard his cheery voice tell her to leave a message after the beep.
“Kelly honey, what are you doing down there?” she heard someone say from the top of the stairs. Her father.
She couldn’t respond, the clock told her she’d been redialing Joshua’s number for two hours. But it felt like days.
He’ll call back when he’s ready. Kelly repeated in her head as she forced a smile at her father, telling him she’d be up in a second.

She didn’t sleep the entire night. Every waking hour was devoted to thoughts about Joshua. What was he doing right now? Why hadn’t he answered her calls? Did he hate her now? Her blankets became knotted ropes binding her to the bed.
Sunlight came with salvation. Kelly was up and calling Joshua the second morning’s breathy rays reached her window. Still no answer. Why wouldn’t he pick up?

When she finally stumbled downstairs, the morning had become full and welcoming, but her mind never left his name. She was too tired to do anything but repeat it inside her head. Joshua, Joshua, Joshua.
Out her window, Kelly watched a little orange bundle drop to her driveway, courtesy of a little red truck. It slid on the ice-covered cement. In that moment, Kelly wanted desperately to feel the chill of the December air on her warm skin. Her fingers curled around her down feather coat hanging from its hook. She slipped into her waiting boots and stepped through the doorway, instantly freezing.
Walking on the ice was difficult and the piercing wind whipped right through her, but she barely felt it. She couldn’t feel much of anything right now. Her head was still pulsing with the name of the boy she loved dearly.
Package in hand, she climbed back up the driveway ever so slowly. Relishing in the numbing feeling of the cold. A light dusting of snow fell around her, melting instantly as it fell on her coat and in her hair.
When she could no longer stand the chill, Kelly reluctantly returned indoors. The front door crashed with a bang, alerting her father of her presence. Kelly wordlessly plopped the newspaper in front of him and commenced to take off her boots and hang up her coat.
A shocked gasp escaped into the still atmosphere, Kelly turned to see her father standing rigidly, staring down at the pages of newsprint. His face held a look of shock and fright she’d only seen it carry once before.
Kelly’s heart started to pound as she raced to his side.
In big, bold print the headline read, Local Teen, Joshua Reeder, Commits Suicide.
Last edited by silverSUNLIGHTx on Sat Feb 07, 2009 3:38 am, edited 5 times in total.
--->Don't forget we've got unfinished business. Stories yet to unfold, tales that must be retold.
-Alex Gaskarth

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Tue Dec 16, 2008 3:37 am
lollipop89281 says...

UGH!! why why why why why why!!! wt he double hockey sticks!
NOOOOO! i dont like dying! nooooo! make it stop. whhhhhy?
HES SO AWESOME!! it was good. except for the last part. I want it
to be happy! Im not a very good critique, i know. I didn't see anything,
probably cause' i was so sucked!! into your story. Its really good.
Nice work,
~Lolli:-) P.S. PM me whenever you write something or have a idea.

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Tue Dec 16, 2008 10:46 am
Nom de Plume says...

While a bit cliche, this is a well-written story.
You have great potential.

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Tue Dec 16, 2008 8:13 pm
In_the_Moonlight says...

Wow. I liked this; you're not insane for listening to one of your chatacters. It happens. Plus I loved the ending although it was sad, it was unexpected. People, like me, look forward to a surprise ending and you pulled it off.

I didn't catch the transition when she went from walking home to actually being at home. That confused me a bit.
Barely could she bear the tension of his shaking voice.

In this sentence I feel like you repeated bare to many times. You used bear, the second time, as in an animal.
It would sound better as: She could hardly bare the tension of his shaking voice. Overall I loved it!

If I can impact one person, just one, with my writing before I die, then I've lived a great life

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Wed Dec 17, 2008 4:09 am
saves says...

I can't even critique this.

It gave me goosebumps.

It was great.

You could make it better.

But it is very beautiful.

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Sat Dec 27, 2008 5:47 pm
Mars says...

Let me be very, very clear: THIS DOESN'T SUCK. This doesn't even resemble sucking. Remember that. I agree, it is a bit cliche. That can be a horrible, terrible, story-killing thing, or, as it is in your case, it can be fine. I have to say, about a quarter of the way through the story all I could think was, "He's going to die, he's going to die, oh my god, he's going to die!" So, while the suicide was an interesting twist, the dying (at least for me) was predictable. But listen! That's not a bad thing. In fact, it kept me biting my knuckles, hoping he and Kelly would work things out. So overall, very, very well done. I have, like, zero suggestions. Except for this one:
Quote: ...of her best friend… and her almost rapist.
Her almost rapist sounds...weird. I'm not sure why, it just does. It also gave me an uncontrollable urge to go "DUN DUN DUN!" after reading it. Which I did, but I digress. The point is, 'almost rapist' isn't really a thing-I've never heard it used before. So you could change it to 'her best friend, the man/boy/guy who had almost raped her.' That keeps the DUN DUN DUN feeling, but it doesn't sound as odd.
Good! Nit-picking over. I need to stress how much I liked this. Not over dramatic, not over complicated, just sadness and excellent writing. So you know what would make it even better?
Write a prologue. A chapter one, if you will. Make the story into two parts, and write about Josh's almost raping of Kelly (wow that phrase was awkward. Sorry.). No, you don't have to get all graphic, but write their relationship before the fact, when everything was hunky-dory, and explain to us how it happened, and then aftermath, Kelly's shock and dismay, etc. Or you could even do it from Josh's point of view, though that might be harder. And THEN would come this part.
I think it would be really beautiful.
Thanks for making me read this.
*gold star*
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats

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Sat Dec 27, 2008 5:49 pm
Mars says...

Oh also, change 'extreme lonely feeling' to 'extreme lonliness.' Okay, nit-picking really over this time, I promise.
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats

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Sun Dec 28, 2008 11:37 am
LilyJamey says...

YES!! He died!
Sorry. I just have an obsession with people dying in the end nowadays.
Kinda creepy. A teenage (presumably) sex addict.

Kelly became a ghost of fried nerves.

This sentence almost made me laugh, even if it was grave. I think it should be 'frayed nerves' or something of that sort?

She couldn’t respond, the clock told her she’d been redialing Joshua’s number for two hours.

I think the comma should be a fullstop. Then start a new sentence.

Sunlight came with salvation. Kelly was up and calling Joshua the second morning’s breathy rays reached her window.

I love this sentence.

Package in hand, she climbed back up the driveway ever so slowly. Relishing in the numbing feeling of the cold.

Should the fullstop be a comma this time?

While I'm not crazy about girls who have winds whipped right through them, or suicidal sex addicts who make headlines, I gotta admit, this was a good piece. Keep writing!
Got YWS?

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Wed Jan 28, 2009 7:13 pm
greenmeans-go. says...

ahhh hannah told me to read this one.
i cried. i really did.
poor kelly.
i loved how u spaced everything it may have just been because its gramatically correct but it looked like art to me. a sad sad picaso just crying why is life like this.
keep on writing you are wonderful at it =]

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Thu Jan 29, 2009 1:45 am
silverSUNLIGHTx says...

Thank you everyone. :)
Last edited by silverSUNLIGHTx on Sat Apr 17, 2010 6:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
--->Don't forget we've got unfinished business. Stories yet to unfold, tales that must be retold.
-Alex Gaskarth

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Sun Mar 08, 2009 8:22 pm
peace-love-dream says...

oh my gosh this is so sad! the whole time she was trying to call him I wanted to scream at him that she didn't mean to pull the plug and explain it all to him. I really got into it and then the end came and it felt like something just came out of the computer and hit me. That is one of the saddest stories that i've ever read.

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Sun Mar 08, 2009 10:17 pm
mhmmcolleenx0 says...

I don't know why but I always read critiques before I read the story. Don't ask why. I saw All Time Low. I read it. Anyways...

It as so good I really like the concept and it was so sad. When she was trying to call him I felt so bad that she was just trying to convince herself that the worst thing didn't happen. Keep writing because this is really good.
"Can't stop, won't stop. I must be dreaming."

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Sun Jul 19, 2009 11:31 pm
meggy86 says...

This is really good. I can never write short stories because I need lots of time to develop a plot and good characters but you just jump right in to the action and its amazing! I read the prelude before reading the actual story and it's really touching. I know it's a sad story but I absolutely love it! Keep writing please!

To gain your own voice, you have to forget about having it heard.
— Allen Ginsberg