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Serendipity In Hell; 1



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Fri Sep 19, 2008 10:50 am
SunshineOrange says...



Chapter One; Demon

In a world where the human race is almost extinct, those with special abilities thrive to populate the planet, free from the shadow of exposure hanging over them. Earth is rife with magicians, vampires, werewolves – all just as different as the next.
Humans built this world; aliens feed from it.

-

A groan escaped Iantho’s lips as his back arched up from the mattress. Another peaceful sleep rudely interrupted, he thought wryly, opening his eyes so that they were only mere slits, another groan turning to a growl at the light that stung his larger-than-life pupils.

The bed sheets were tossed haphazardly across the room from days before. His father’s maid was persistent about making his bed thoroughly everyday, and Iantho had clearly shown her what he thought of this. She hadn’t been near his room since.

He swung his legs over the left side of the bed, opening his mouth in a yawn that resembled that of a hippo. His teeth, sharp and elongated brushed against his lips as he closed his mouth, licking the sleepy residue from his lips. His eyes, now opened to their full blue potential, flicked around the room, settling on the pack of cigarettes that lay upon the bedside table. Releasing a lazy and monotonous sigh, Iantho reached over, slipping one of the long sticks from the packet and perching it between his lips, not bothering to light it just yet.

At only nineteen, he had the physical body of a twenty six year old, muscles rippling over his arms and torso impressively. His naked torso would be one that would stop many. Blonde, almost white hair screamed all over his head in a dishevelled pile and it tugged in protest when Iantho ran a rough hand through it. Touching the end of the cigarette now, the tip began to glow, smouldering against his finger before he pulled it away and inhaled a large amount of the addictive smoke, exhaling it gustily through his nose and mouth.

“Alright,” he muttered to himself, “today is the day.”

His nose scrunched in disgust at the statement and he shook his head, stooping to grab a shirt from a nearby pile on the floor. He draped it over his shoulders, slipping his arms in and toying with the buttons before deciding to keep them open. His jeans, torn and worn, hung low at his hips and he stretched, pressing out some of the creases that had formed in the fabric while he slept.

A quiet, barely audible knock sounded against the door and he grimaced, taking another drag from the cigarette and walking over to the window of his room, peering out across the baron lands of rocks and rubble, feeling the heat pulse through his veins. They weren’t good enough to live in the same town as them, let alone the same dimension. The knock, louder this time, echoed through Iantho’s thoughts and he sighed, turning to lean on his windowsill and letting the cigarette dangle from his lips while he spoke.

“Come in.”

In response to his call, the door opened slowly and in stepped a small woman, head bowed as she clutched a rag to her chest. Her hair, a tinted chestnut, hung limply around her face and her clothes were simple and worn out.

“Sir, your father would like to speak with you.” Her voice was strong yet it raised an octave towards the end when her nerves got the best of her.

“Right.” Iantho left it at that – he felt sorry for the poor human, only here to be her father’s to and fro. He pushed himself from the windowsill and walked past the female, who seemed to shrink away from the burning heat of his skin. He flicked the butt of his cigarette out of a nearby window and headed for the main hall, where he could already hear his father’s booming voice.

“Where in Hell could he be, you miserable runts! If I don’t have him here in front of me in the next two minutes-” The booming cut short as the vast figure that stood central to the hall peered across at the entrance. His son stood, arms crossed over his chest while he studied the scurrying of humans and slaves. Raising his eyes, he stared at his father directly, their eyes mimicking each others in colour. The man stood at six feet seven and his shoulders seemed as wide as a mountain. Iantho, in comparison, seemed like a weed.

“There you are, boy. Don’t you know that you were called for an hour ago! The ceremony will start in a couple of minutes and you’re not even prepared to greet your new hosts!” The older man’s lip quivered, revealing his own set of sharp teeth momentarily before he regained himself. “Now, let us hope that they are prepared for what they are about to take on.” He muttered in an afterthought.

At the utterance of his last words, the door he stood beside flung open, revealing a set of stairs that grew purple, green and then finally a dull grey colour. Iantho straightened his shoulders and despite his awe and trepidation towards the stairwell, he swiftly walked past his father and carried on up the stone steps.

The door abruptly swung shut behind him, only to dissolve into the guise of a lonely brick wall. There was no going back now.

Author's Note; Sorry it's not so long! I'm just calling this one a quick fire chaptered novel! Also, I'll be messaging those who review to let them know when the rest of the chapters are posted, and also to ask for feedback; hope that's okay!
Last edited by SunshineOrange on Mon Sep 29, 2008 8:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Sat Sep 20, 2008 12:15 pm
xGraceex says...



i thought that was amazing, you are very talented! i was a bit confused at first, because i think it could have had more explanation about what the main character was, but i loved it all the same. I can picture the characters so clearly by the way you described them that i so want to read more! :D
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Mon Sep 22, 2008 6:08 am
Fellow says...



First of all it's an amazing piece of work. Second... the review:

-Nothing much to say as the chapter is small and stuffed with descriptions of the character, but i would like to suggest for you to put some sentences that bound you to tell the reader about how he is.

Example:
At only nineteen, he had the physical body of a twenty six year old, muscles rippling over his arms and torso impressively. His naked torso would be one that would stop many.

Before you say that you could put: He stretched out again and inhaled the morning air as his muscles relaxed and sketched his body. - then you put the description.

- As well you can break the descriptions to make them flow better with some "pure" actions.
Example : He watched the flame as it grew into a black fireball and smiled revealing his sharp theeth.


- That's all :) - Hope it helps. Luck!

-Akayl
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Mon Sep 22, 2008 3:16 pm
Esmé says...



Sunshine.

Hello! How are you on this cloudy, cloudy day? I trust that good. (:


Quote:
Another peaceful sleep rudely interrupted, he thought wryly, opening his eyes so that they were only mere slits, another groan turning to a growl at the light that stung his larger-than-life pupils.

Personally, I think you should split that last section. It makes the sentence drag on and on, like a tail. Also, “larger-than-life” - I don’t think I like the expression. (I need a hero! heh).


Quote:
His father’s maid was persistent about making his bed thoroughly everyday, and Iantho had clearly shown her what he thought of this. She hadn’t been near his room since.

Had been? She (the maid) isn’t now, though, or is she? Conflicting message you send us here. (he’s sleeping on a naked mattress?) Might as well comment that.


Quote:
His teeth, sharp and elongated brushed against his lips as he closed his mouth, licking the sleepy residue from his lips.

Comma after “elongated”.


Quote:
His naked torso would be one that would stop many.

I’d cut this out. I mean, of his torso was mention earlier, and this just - floats around merrily.


Quote:
A quiet, barely audible knock sounded against the door and he grimaced, taking another drag from the cigarette and walking over to the window of his room, peering out across the baron lands of rocks and rubble, feeling the heat pulse through his veins.

Split. Too long, I actually forgot what the sentence was primarily about.


Quote:
The older man’s lip quivered, revealing his own set of sharp teeth momentarily before he regained himself.

Awkward. Consider rephrasing.


Quote:
“Now, let us hope that they are prepared for what they are about to take on.” He muttered in an afterthought.

,” he muttered in an afterthought.


***


Well, that’s the line-by-line part. Overall, it was extremely well-written, so I didn’t have a lot to nag about (:

The semi-preface was interesting, I think. Warned us what to expect, up to a point?

As to the characters themselves: Iantho seems, to use that horrible phrase again, interesting. He’s starting out as developed - keep up the good work later on, as far as he’s concerned. The father looks cool, too - I have a thing for characters like him, heh.

What puzzled me a bit, however, was the father-son relationship. I don’t know what to think of it. There isn’t any animosity, but there was no signs of love, too. Clear that out? If it’s a midway, then show us that, too.

Other than that - nice work!


Cheers,
Esme
  





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Fri Sep 26, 2008 4:01 pm
Kaylyn says...



Okay, time for me to rip apart *coughs* I mean review your work...

I like the idea but I think that you need to have a better opening sentance. Draw the reader in, I wasn't that interested in the first few sentances, it was only the OCD that kept me going. It was rewarded though. It was an interesting story after I got into it. I didn't see any grammar mistakes pop out and poke me in the eye, so good job there. Let me know when you get more of the story out. If you want a line by line critique PM me. Let me know if you have any questions. Good luck and keep writing.
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Sat Sep 27, 2008 1:27 pm
deleted2 says...



Hey, you

First off all: I really enjoyed reading this, and think you've got yourself quite some talent there :wink: There isn't all that much for me to really critique, so this isn't going to be a very long review, but meh I guess that just shows how good your writing is :)

Allright, on to the review:

1.Another peaceful sleep rudely interrupted, he thought wryly, opening his eyes so that they were only mere slits, another groan turning to a growl at the light that stung his larger-than-life pupils This sentence is very good, but it seems a bit long to me. Might just be me being nitpicky, but consider splitting it in half.

2. bed sheets were tossed haphazardly across the room from days before. His father’s maid was persistent about making his bed thoroughly everyday, and Iantho had clearly shown her what he thought of this. She hadn’t been near his room since Tell us more; what did he do? Did he simply make a mess, or did he talk to her? Elaborate.

3. At only nineteen, he had the physical body of a twenty six year old, muscles rippling over his arms and torso impressively This sentence is good, save from the last word. I'm sure you can integrate that into the sentence in a better way. E.g. Impressive muscles rippling over his arms and torso.

4. A quiet, barely audible knock sounded against the door and he grimaced, taking another drag from the cigarette and walking over to the window of his room, peering out across the baron lands of rocks and rubble, feeling the heat pulse through his veins. Same as #1, this sentence should be split up.

5. , revealing a set of stairs that grew purple, green and then finally a dull grey colour. Iantho straightened his shoulders and despite his awe and trepidation towards the stairwell, he swiftly walked past his father and carried on up the stone steps This would be an ideal place to show us some more about how he feels. Also, the way you've described the change of colours that happens in the stairwell didn't really appeal to me so much, so you could consider changing that. It seems a bit simple, to put it that way, and I'm sure you can explain to us a bit more about the odd stairwell, and why he doesn't like it.

Hope that this review helps despite it's shortness, because honestly: there isn't all that much that needs changin.

Great job :)

Feel free to request another review, either leave the link in my "will review for food" topic, or simply PM me. Whichever you prefer.

Keep working on this story :wink: you've definetly got something good going here!

Take care,

XxxDo
  





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Wed Oct 01, 2008 6:32 pm
happy-go-lucky says...



Heya Sunshine!

First off I'd like to say that this is a really good idea you've got going here and if you write anymore I'd be happy to review it for you! Secondly, I've picked out some nit-picks but nothing too drastic.

Ok, I guess I should start off with you're sentence lay out. You seem to have some really long sentences in here - which is fine...BUT to keep the reader interested it's better if you split them up a bit, make it easier for them to read and keep track of. Also you tend to start a lot of sentences off with "he" or "his", add a bit of variety to it.

opening his eyes so that they were only mere slits,


Only mere sounds a bit awkward maybe change it to "merely"?

and Iantho had clearly shown her what he thought of this.


Maybe using the word "told" instead of "shown" would be more effective. Also change cthe word "clearly" maybe to describe his tone of voice when he told her (e.g. angrily, irritatedly)

Blonde, almost white hair


Say "white blonde" this just helps it flow better.

only here to be her father’s to and fro.


Wouldn't it be "his" father not hers?

walked past the female,


Replace female with girl or woman. Female sounds too unnatural.

“Where in Hell could he be, you miserable runts!


Put a question mark on the end.


Apart from that, a very good start! :D
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Thu Oct 02, 2008 7:25 pm
Clo says...



Hey Sunny! I'm here to review, as requested for you! Yay! =D

Tone

In the intro, I don't really like the tone you use to bring us into the story:
In a world where the human race is almost extinct, those with special abilities thrive to populate the planet, free from the shadow of exposure hanging over them. Earth is rife with magicians, vampires, werewolves – all just as different as the next.
Humans built this world; aliens feed from it.

"In a world where..." this sounds very movie trailer-ish. I can just hear that movie guy's booming voice. I think you need a more complex introduction, not so direct, with more details and more foreboding for your topic. Also, as I reread it, this seems much too much like a summary, like on the back of a book or a videogame. You need to play with it and bring out a much more literary feel to it, with more words and descriptions. Intros are important!

Though I do like the last sentence in there.

muscles rippling over his arms and torso impressively.

Hm. I was all into the descriptions before this, but then I get to "muscles rippling" and that just seems like imagery that is too commonly used. Try describing your main protagonist using unique phrases - think of it like this: How is your main protagonist unique from the usual novel protagonist? How does he stand out, what features make him different, and what words can you use to differentiate him from the typical descriptions?

peering out across the baron lands of rocks and rubble, feeling the heat pulse through his veins.

Lands? More than one? Or did you mean "land"? If you did mean lands, then really make the view amazing for us - because if he can see that far, it must be quite a spectacular view. So make that apparent to the reader - really spin out some beautiful imagery here.

Don’t you know that you were called for an hour ago!

I know he's shouting this, but it still needs to be a question mark at the end.

Okay! Well, I love magic and demons and all that so I'm excited to see where this will go! Yet, I'm a bit disappointed about your main character. I didn't get a sense of who he was - just really physical descriptions. So what is he about? What's his personality like? If you could just add a few sentences that show more of his self than his physical self, I would feel closer to the main character. Up until now, I see him as just as a growling and smoking individual - quite shallow.

I hope this is helpful!

PM me if you have any questions.

~ Clo
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