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Serene Chaos

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Tue Aug 19, 2008 8:04 pm
scasha says...

Being Edited
Last edited by scasha on Wed Jan 28, 2009 2:39 pm, edited 6 times in total.

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Wed Aug 20, 2008 7:02 am
Xena says...

I dont know exactuly what happend.. i was just watching disneys the robots... and then when i rad this i thought this these two were robots... and so this girl transformed into a big robot so they sent her away, where she was attcked by god in a large church? i think it went to fast... and well... the structure and punctuation is, well it comes with time... like too many commas, and repitive.. althoug i did laugh when i read the line... so instead of you contractingn down syndrome, you contract a super down syndrome disorder.... so this is what it would be like if downs syndnrome kids if they had super powers... altghough i do like the idea of supressing genes.. a nice little twister there
purple bunnies hop at midnight

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Wed Aug 20, 2008 4:19 pm
kris says...

Hi Scasha ^^
Nice to read some of your work, I haven't done so for yonks - rather refreshing.
Of course i cannot fault your writing technique or grammar. You might have a lot of faults in your writing but i can't see them, so it's ok :D
The only thing i picked up on was:

I’m not sure if I should associate with someone like this

If she is thinking it, it really ought to be in italics. Or else things get confusing if you're a fast reader.

The deal with her eyes is somewhat inconsistent. Her pupils are yellow...So what good would a contact lens do? Unless she is to walk around blinded :P
One more thing that doesn't make sense, is the explanation of magic.Is it in the cells or DNA? qoui? Personally I'd shy away from meddling with cellular biology and magic - the two really don't go, and you will only raise further questions. If it is magic; stick with ethereal explanations. :P

I adored the way you constructed and introduced the characters, it told me everything i needed to know without swamping me with description; which i admit i am often guilty of. :P

The plot seems to move too quickly. Take your time. We have only just started getting to grips with the character and the setting - Feels somewhat premature, to start introducing a villain already. Perhaps you could portray the professor as being aloof to the protagonist, and always keeping an eye on her. This will help build up some dramatic tension for the reader.

I have one question though, love: Where is it all going? This girl has these magnificent powers but the setting doesn't seem at all useful for her to explore her powers etc. Because i see the parallel between the protagonist changing physically and mentally and learning about herself etc etc, and puberty. So i assume the preferred readership would be 12-15.

Anyway, I really think you have something good here. Apart from the things i have picked out (which i doubt many would notice. I just happen to be an a pedantic mood) I think you have the beginnings of a very engaging story. I LOVE the main char - she's feisty :P


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Wed Aug 20, 2008 9:12 pm
scasha says...

Xena: I appreciated your...insightful comments

Kris: Thanks so much!!!! I really appreciated it. I know it is a bit fast paced (but I only have 4000 words to work with.

I've decided to make the entire thing less (or more) confusing, I've put the rest of the story in the original post. It may seem strange, but I am going for a sort of Twilight Zone kind of what's going on feel. So just bear with me through the story, and if you still think it's way too strange to be enjoyable, please let me know!!!!

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Fri Aug 22, 2008 11:57 pm
ashleylee says...

Wow, Scasha, that was simply…mind blowing. Really. And I loved every minute of it! :D I couldn’t stop until I reached the end, it was that good. I mean, at first, when I started reading, I was thinking that you might have to shove A LOT of info into a small space of time, but I thought you did it beautifully!

Miriam’s sharp senses evaluated the girl, finding out the unnecessary details of her body temperature and weight. That was the perk of having such overdone powers. She could find out anything that was hidden by outer appearances. Holly’s outside aura, a distant golden glow, invisible to all humans, proved her intentions were meant well. Miriam’s hands unclenched from under the sleeves of her sweater, but her face refused to drop it unfriendly expression.

This is the paragraph that you talk about Miriam’s powers. I think you did pretty good but I thought that you missed out on some stuff. Like, is that her only power? Because when the flames exploded over her arms, that wasn’t anything to do with an aura. So maybe you should go into more detail about that…

“I know you want to be right Miriam, but you just can’t. Now hold still, this won’t hurt a bit,” she said.

Comma MIA-ing. :wink: There should be one after “right”

“I couldn’t have said so better myself,” Candid agreed, smiling pleasantly at the brainless dummy before her. “Those people who are especially superior have no claim here. They could only destroy us.” With that, the pair walked hand in hand down the hill, Miriam’s empty body trailing after them. She was doomed from the start, the poor girl. Just because she had been different. The world again disappeared into serene chaos.

Good ending! Very good! :D But I do think that it was rather…sudden? I would lengthen this paragraph, make the ending smoother. I know you said it had to be under 4,000 words so that might not be possible but it’s just a suggestion :wink:

Now, to answer your questions:

1) Interesting MC? Yes. I mean, I though Miriam was good. She had a sort of attitude about her that made her kind of spunky. I still think that you kind of skipped over the “powers” thing. I would have liked to know more about that but again, you have that 4,000 word limit so, you probably can’t do that.

2) Original Plotline? I thought it was unique! I don’t think I have ever read a story like this and I absolutely loved it. No lie. It was very enjoyable. I didn’t stop once until the end.

3)Does it make sense/ does it move too quickly? I thought your flow was really nice. When I first started reading, I was afraid you would move too fast, but I thought you did I perfectly.

Overall, wonderful job!

Gold star, me thinks :wink:
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
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Sat Aug 23, 2008 12:57 am
xxfourthelement says...

Ooooookay. Now, I know it's taken me a while to get to reviewing this - I'm sorry. My classes just started back up again. Let's get started, shall we?

Thoughts on the first paragraph as a whole:
A lot of people throw up on the whole "telling-not-showing" thing, but I like the way you did this paragraph. You're telling a story. As long as you don't do it through the entire story, it'll be great. Interesting description, as well.

The next paragraph, not so nice. Here are my line edits:

They decided that it was in their best interest to send her away. Hence Miriam became a pupil at the all girls school called Haverford Hill Manor [s]up[/s] in the Appalachian Mountains. After that, though, things only got worse.

Not terribly drastic, but enough, right? :)

I think that "Ouch" should be punctuated with an exclamation mark. She's exclaiming, after all.

Contact lenses were irritating because although she had perfect vision, she couldn’t leave her room without them.

This line makes my eyes hurt. A lot. I'd prefer "Contact lenses irritated her; although she had perfect vision, she couldn't leave her room without them." There are just too many clauses in the sentence for it to look nice all strung together.

In the next paragraph, you get a little odd. It's too busy. You seem to be trying to fit in more information than absolutely necessary. When working with a word limit, you want to try to lessen your information. I'll show you what I mean:

She grabbed her green sweater from her bedside and [s]after running her fingers through her hair,[/s] opened the door.

The striked-out part wasn't necessary. It made your sentence read sloppily.

"Holly shifted her weight from one foot to the other" should be its own sentence, punctuated with a period and not a comma. Maybe that was a typo, though; the comma is right next to the period.

Miriam shrugged and followed, [s]giving little thought to[/s] leaving Holly [s]who stood[/s] stranded in the middle of the Dining Hall without someone to sit with.

Try that sentence, as well. Or reword it. I don't mind. Either way is good.

“That’s never happened before,” she sank into a heap on the floor, the pain of her bleeding arm finally setting in.

Another sentence that irks me. They should be separate sentences. "She sank into a heap on the floor, the pain of her bleeding arm finally setting in" is definitely its own sentence. No comma in the dialogue.

Even if the professor was only minutely injured, her survival rate illuminated in Miriam’s mind as 75%, everyone would be looking for Miriam.

You seem to have a bit of a passion for run-ons. The last clause in this sentence should stand alone. I would suggest going through this story again and checking all of your longer sentences as run-ons. Those look very bad to readers unless it's part of character dialogue or being used as a rhetorical device.

Ooops! You used the wrong form of a word. Here: "They had just visited the sight of the last and final hybrid on their list." It should be site, not sight. Site is a place; sight is a sense.

“I was born to scientists you know. They were always away from home, at work. I was by myself most of the time, and not being able to make friends, I found other pursuits. Every time I didn’t clean my room, or accidently left their laboratory door open a fraction, they would lock me up in a dark closet with food for a whole day,” she said.

To be honest, right here I get the impression that Holly isn't talking the way she should. She doesn't sound like a teenager. Her dialogue seems a little stiff, too. Do teenagers usually say "pursuits"? Or do they say "I found other stuff to do"? Work on Holly's voice. Right here, she sounds too much like Miriam.

Last of line edits.

As for your questions:

1. Definitely. Miriam was fascinating, actually. I liked her. You need to fix her up a bit in the beginning, though, making her seem less emotional and more methodical. Make her more consistent!

2. I've read something similar, but only once before. I read a lot, so if it was only once, that means it was a definite standout. (Example: Twilight wasn't really a sstandout for me. Neither was Eragon.) I like it. It would make an interesting short story collection, actually.

3. It does make sense. Actually, it didn't move too fast, but the transitions weren't smooth enough. Try to fix those.

I definitely enjoyed this story. I'll look for part two later. When my eyes aren't about to pop out from crying. Get ready for some editing. :D
"...I laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Sometimes I can stop laughing before people start edging away and talking about soothing drinks." - Lord Raould of Goldenlake and Malorie's Peak

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Sat Aug 23, 2008 3:07 am
W says...

You're story was alot more engaging than i'd expected, or up to a few plot points atleast. Miriam was very interesting with her powers of extreme perception. You sort of forgot about it, though, after she went with Holly to the lunchroom and into Candid's office. If she could tell Holly's intention's were pure just based on her aura, why couldn't she have sensed how evil Candid was? Especially when Holly pulled the antidote on her; she should have been seeing that from a mile away, right?

I thought the plot was a lot more rushed than it should have been, even it is a short story. You made the proffesor explain Miriam's condition alot less specifically than I would've liked. Saying "we all have magic in our cells, but you had a break in your DNA, which means you should of have Downs but made others break, and so you got magical powers," sounds like you just pulled an explanation out of thin air just so you could continue the story instead of putting some more thought into it.

Miriam just instantly deciding to go to Seattle to quit school and help create a habitat for others like her just a few hours after she was confronted seemed incredibly rash and unbelivable enough in the plot for her to have Holly tag along, a girl she met just the same morning for like, ten minutes, being raised by incredibly strict parents yet still willing to run away from school and travell crosscountry with girl she hardly knows.

Other than that, and the occasional run-ons, I liked your narrtive and it really sucked me into it, plot hiccups aside. Although a bit more description someplaces needed, it was quite original and addicting to read. Kudos.

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Mon Aug 25, 2008 1:48 pm
scasha says...

Ashley!: Thanks so much for your crit!!! I owe you BIG time! I'll definitley be editing everything down as soon as I can!!! I'm glad you like it. Definitley let me know if and when you are continuing the Dagger of truth set :-) (you're my hero :-))

FourthElement!: I really appreciated your feedback! Seriously, your crit was amazing! I'll definitley be looking into all the stuff you pointed out. I thought I was going to continue this, but it's a bit too long already so I think I'll have to stop with just this part. But I'll definitley be working on it. It needs serious improvement. Thanks so much! Your crit was pure AWESOMENESS!!

W: Thanks so much for your crit! Also, welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here! I'll definitley be reworking the part where they run away to seattle, it is a bit too unbelievable so I'll try and work with it to make it smoother.

Again! Thank you all!!!

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Mon Aug 25, 2008 5:12 pm
kris says...

Oopsicles! I missed your additional excerpt/chapter (I'm not sure).
I thought it was very, very good Scasha! You must know by now that I love your work irregardless :D
I don't know if there were grammatical or punctuation errors, but I read it easily enough, and at the end of the day that's what matters.

I still found the pace of the narrative, a little rushed still. There wasn't enough time, really, for me to get my wits together.
You still have a set of amazingly well crafted characters. If i can get excited or angry at a character's actions - you know you're onto a winner :P
OMGOOSH! the plot twist at the end with "Holly" was so surprising...I honestly didn't see it coming! awww...So is Miriam not a hybrid anymore? whats the deal?

Please update!!! :D


Sometimes I'm terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts.
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