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The Mansion chapter 1



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Lord Anzius says...



The Mansion is a fantasy story that happens in the world we know, in England, somewhere in the border of London. Time is a few years after World War 2. I myself think that this first chapter is a bit boring. I hope to get criticism both good and bad, and some advice as I am a newbie.







The Stories From The Mansion.


Vol. 1

















THE NEW MANSION


The view was beautiful, as the sun was just rising from the east hitting the snow, making a bright, blindingly breathtaking glow. It was a strikingly nice day in January, and I was very bored. I sighed, looking at the birds flying to the south; away from the cold winter, wishing that I could have been one of them.

I adjusted my reading-spectacles and stared at the ancient, tattered book in my hands. The title of the book was, The Ventures of Napoleon Bonaparte. The book was actually very fascinating with its true stories, and shining hand painted picture of Napoleon on the front, with engraved golden letters over it… I gazed throughout the room, letting out a great frustrated sigh. Everything was broken and torn apart; the furniture was old and awful and the ceiling looked like it would collapse any minute, it even had holes on it at some spots. It smelled rotten in the mansion. As I was cursing the world I cursed myself for buying a house from a catalogue called: A builder’s dream…
My furniture was mostly second hand and did not really match, my arm chair and couch were the only things that did.
I sat up and walked to the door that led to my closet. I opened the door and grabbed a mop, took a small bucket and some liquid soap. I manoeuvred my way through the piles of garbage in the living room and went to the door that led to my downstairs bathroom. I went in and filled my bucket with water. I could only take a small amount because of the rules of the little town. The town's water supplies were low because of the war that had just ended: this was one of the reasons why I wanted to move away from the mansion. But I didn't have the money anymore, and my new workplace was just a few hundred meters away.

The bathroom was ´very` filthy and it had only a shower, small sink and an even smaller chamberpot, which you were supposed to do your deeds in. I walked with the mop on my left hand and the bucket on my right out of the bathroom and looked at the floor and the garbage on it. I sighed and but the cleaning equipment aside.
Another time. I thought.
I walked back to my chair and sat on it. I looked at my left hand side and lifted two other books: “Who Was Alexander The Great?” and “The Reign of Julius Caesar”. Two persons who were capable of tactical thinking surrounded by a bunch of idiots, some less dumb, some more, but all still idiots. I yawned and was just about to sit on my chair again, when I heard a knock on the door. I let out a great groan, stood up and tumbled to the door. It was my new neighbour, Mrs. Whatshername.

“Hello Mrs.…” the words automatically burst out of my mouth.
“Salburgy,” She aided
“Mrs. Salburgy.” I nodded. She was a fairly round woman. Her hair was grey and she wore colourful clothes, they were truly a eyesore. She had a small round hat that had handmade pictures of flowers on it. She used an overpowering perfume that made people feel ill around her.
“Well hello to you too Jacques!” she said in a delightful tone, smiling from ear to ear.
“What gives me the privilege to meet you on this sunny day?” I asked while wearing a false smile on my face.
“Well Jacques…” she started.
“Please call me Jack,” I interrupted.
“Oh! Very well then. Last time when I came to visit you I forgot to give you this.” She picked a box out from the ´big` bag that she carried around everywhere.
“What is that?” I asked in a dull but curious tone
“Well it is a cake of course!”
“Ooh! What kind of cake could it be?” I asked quickly. My curiosity was rising.
“Well. It is a chocolate cake that has…” the rest of her words travelled to the distance and her words faded from my hearing. I could feel the drool dripping on my shirt while I looked at the box, I hoped that Mrs. Salburgy didn't notice. I hadn’t had a real meal in days. Aah! I just wanted to taste that beautiful cake even once… Now I loved the lady because she had brought that salvation to me but I hated her because she did not give it to me and leave, but just kept yapping how she made it.

After a while the lady had left and I had gotten my cake. I returned to the living room and started to open the box. As I opened it I started to smell a very delightfully chocolately smell, that went through my nose straight to my brain where it made me feel very happy and warm. I stood up and almost ran to the kitchen! I took a spoon and hippity-hopped back to the living room, my eyes half closed in excitement. I opened my eyes in greedy anticipation and stopped in my tracks. The cake was gone, leaving just an empty box. In a panic, I searched the room desperately, but no cake was found.
I sat down on the table my face in my hands and cursed the whole damn world.
Scratch!
Clob.
Munch, munch.
I shot up from the table listened. There it was again.
Munch, munch, munch
I walked towards the noise slowly but firmly.
I saw a small human-like figure on the ground eating something that I expected being the cake. My cake.
I crouched, like a lion ready to strike. I jumped.
The small figure looked up at me and let out a cry “Oh Bugger!!”





I still need some editing to be done but I still have to complete the script for the book and then I'm still working on the fourth chapter so let us see what will come of this book in the end :)
Last edited by Lord Anzius on Sun Apr 12, 2009 5:11 pm, edited 8 times in total.
  





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Sun Aug 31, 2008 4:48 pm
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bisquit says...



Firstly, i think that it is actually very difficult to write in 1st person because of the constant use of 'I'. i praise the fact that, in most circumstances. you have avoided using it TOO much.
A few pointers.
Firstly...Curious is spelt as curious. THere were a few times when this error occured. Also, in the section where it says...
'“What is that?” I asked in a dull but curios tone

“Well it is a cake of course!”

“Ooh! What kind of cake could it be?” I asked in a quickly curios tone '

try to aviod using the words curious and tone together in more than one circumstance. it might be an idea to check the thesaurus or something. :)
Your opening section is very powerful, with a vivid description of the setting. to create further effect you COULD do this with it...

'The view was beautiful; the sun was just rising from the east, and as it hit the snow, the beams of light made a dazzling and beautiful glow. I sighed looking at the birds flying to the south, away from the cold winter. I wished that could have been one of them. '

maybe even change the word glow to avoid the slightly unnecessary or accidental rhyming with snow.

i hope these points helped

keep up the good work as this has the potential to be magnificent.
  





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Sun Aug 31, 2008 4:51 pm
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Lord Anzius says...



THX I'm alredy working on the fourth chapter, I'll post them soon
To copy reality is good... But to create reality is much, much better.
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Fellow says...



The view was beautiful, as the sun was just rising from the east, and as it hit the snow making a bright and beautiful glow. I sighed looking at the birds flying to the south; away from the cold winter. I wished that could have been one of them.


Change it in : " I looked through the dusty glass of the window. The view was beautifull, as the sun was just rising from the east, spreading that warmless light, hitting the snow and making it a bright and blinding glow. I sighed at the birds flying to the south; away from this cold winter. I wished that I could have been one of them. "

I adjusted my specs and stared at the (describe with a word the book) book in my hands. The title of the book was: The ventures of Napoleon Bonaparte. The book was actually very fascinating with its true stories, and shining hand painted picture of Napoleon on the front, with carved golden letters… I let my eyes gaze throughout the room and let out a great frustrated sigh; everything was broken and torn apart, and it smelled like fish guts. As I was cursing the world, I cursed myself for buying a house from a catalogue called: A builder’s dream…


The part when you say that everything was thorn apart - describe the items that were there.

In the dialogue - As she enters the room describe her in the eyes of the main character. What she was wearing? How was she? What colour of her hair was?

As bisquit pointed out - The " I " - don't use it to much.

[b]One thing to point out and i`ll leave ya in peace. The dialogue is kinda empty. As a writer you must give the reader the opportunity to be there in the actual room. Describe smells, a car passing by, Mrs Salburgy reactions and so ... you get the point. It`s more of a ... book... if you do so.

Overall it is a great idea and a nice starting place for it. Chapter 2 coming up!
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Reuben A says...



I love the first chapter. The only thing that I would change, is how did the human like creature look? Except for the human likeness of it.
So stadig loop ons deur die pers Jakarandas wat val,die bome word kaal Pa staar na die beeld van Botha wat reis op sy perd,Hy wonder was bloed soveel werd.Soveel jare dra hy aan die naam van 'n plek,Soveel jare moet ons nou laat gaan,Is die naam dan so erg,so bitter en sleg?Hoekom gooi jul dit weg?
  





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Lord Anzius says...



Ok. I'll change a few things in the story. Thx for the crit guys.

But I must say that the main character is a boy, and the human like figure will be described in the second chapter.
To copy reality is good... But to create reality is much, much better.
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Lord Anzius says...



I edited it now
To copy reality is good... But to create reality is much, much better.
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DwahnePipe says...



For me the use of 'as' in the first paragraph is too much and maybe you should try and use separate sentences or find another way. Also the word 'blindingly' and any other adverbs are seen as unnecessary.

Although I did like the story another thing that stopped me when reading it was “Ooh! What kind of cake could it be?” This to me doesn't sound as realistic as it could be. I mean it sounds as if the character is talking to the reader rather than the other character, maybe get rid of the word 'could' and put in 'is it?'

Finally I found it weird the way the character 'hipty hopped'. I don't understand what this means, how does somebody do this?

I did enjoy reading it though and good luck with the rest. Hope any of my things help.
  





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Fri Sep 12, 2008 7:24 pm
Lord Anzius says...



Hipty hopping is the same as skipping but in a more child like manner. =P
To copy reality is good... But to create reality is much, much better.
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Fri Sep 19, 2008 3:10 pm
xGraceex says...



i thought that was great! i loved how you described the setting, it really made me feel like it was there, but i thought you could have told us more about thain character though, i didnt know if it was a boy or girl at first, and i think more explanation of what was happening could have been better, and how old the main character was aswell
it was really good, i loved it!
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StellaThomas says...



Hey Anzius, Stella here, as requested!

I. NITPICKS


The view was beautiful, as the sun was just rising from the east, and as it hit the snow making a bright, blindingly, beautiful glow.


Break it up. The view was beautiful, with the sun just rising from the east and as it hit the snow it gave off a bright, blindingly beautiful glow. Something like that.

I sighed looking at the birds flying to the south;


comma after sighed.

The ventures of Napoleon Bonaparte


Capitalize Ventures

The book was actually very fascinating with its true stories, and shining hand painted picture of Napoleon on the front, with carved golden letters… Gazing throughout the room and I let out a great frustrated sigh; everything was broken and torn apart, the furniture was old and awful, the ceiling looked like it would collapse any minute and it smelled like fish guts. As I was cursing the world I cursed myself for buying a house from a catalogue called: A builder’s dream…
I sat up and walked to the door that led to my closet. All my cleaning equipment were kept there. I opened the door and grabbed a mop, took a small bucket and some liquid soap. I manoeuvred my way through the piles of garbage and went to the door that led to my bathroom. I went in and filled my bucket with water. I could only take a small amount because of the rules of the little town. The towns water supplies were low because of the war that had just ended: this was one of the reasons why I wanted to move away from the mansion.

The toilet was ´very` filthy and it had only a shower, small sink and an even smaller cup, which you were supposed to do your deeds in. I walked back to my chair and sat on it. I looked at my left hand side and lifted two other books: “Who Was Alexander The Great” and “The Reign of Julius Caesar”. Two persons, who were capable of tactical thinking surrounded by a bunch of idiots, some less dumb some more, but all still idiots. I yawned and was just about to sit on my chair again, when I heard a knock on the door. I let out a great groan, stood up and tumbled to the door. At the door there was my new neighbour Mrs. whatshername.

“Hello Mrs.…” the words automatically burst out of my mouth
“Salburgy.” She aided
“Mrs. Salburgy” I nodded. She was a fairly round woman. Her hair was grey and she wore blindingly colourful clothes. She had a small round hat that had hand made pictures of flowers on it. She used a overpowering perfume that made people feel noxious around here.
“Well hello to you too Jacques!” She said in a delightful tone, smiling from chin to chin.
“What gives me this delightful privilege to meet you on this sunny day?” I said while wearing a false smile on my face.
“Well Jacques…” she started
“Please call me Jack.” I interrupted
“Oh! Very well then. Last time when I came to visit you I forgot to give you this.” She picked a box out from her ´big` bag that she carried around everywhere.
“What is that?” I asked in a dull but curious tone
“Well it is a cake of course!”
“Ooh! What kind of cake could it be?” I asked in a quickly
“Well. It is a chocolate cake that has…” the rest of her words travelled to the distance and were quiet from my ears. I could feel the drool tripping on my shirt while I looked at the box. I hadn’t had a real meal in days. Aah! I just wanted to taste that beautiful cake even once… Now I loved the lady because she had brought that salvation to me but I hated her because she did not give it to me and leave, but just kept yapping how she made it.

After a while the lady had left and I had gotten my cake, I returned to the living room and started to open the box. As I opened it I started to smell a very delightfully chocolaty smell that went through my nose straight to my brain where it made me feel very happy and warm. I stood up and almost ran to the kitchen! I took a spoon and hipity-hopped back to the living room my eyes half closed in excitement, but when I opened my eyes I saw no cake on the table just the empty box. I looked around and stumbled across the whole living room! I found nothing. I sat down on the table my face in my hands and cursed the whole damn world.
Scratch!
Clob.
Munch, munch.
I shot up from the table listened and there it was again!
Munch, munch, munch
I walked towards the noise slowly but firmly.
I saw a small human-like figure on the ground eating something that I expected being the cake.
I grouched. I jumped.
The small figure looked at me and let out a cry “Oh Bugger!!”





I still need some editing to be done but I still have to complete the script for the book and then I'm still working on the fourth chapter so let us see what will come of this book in the end :)[/quote]
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Sat Nov 01, 2008 3:20 pm
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StellaThomas says...



Hey Anzius, Stella here, as requested!

I. NITPICKS

The view was beautiful, as the sun was just rising from the east, and as it hit the snow making a bright, blindingly, beautiful glow.


Read this sentence to yourself, and you'll see that your clauses don't quite fit together. Play with it a bit.

I sighed looking at the birds flying to the south;


comma after sighed

The ventures of Napoleon Bonaparte.


Capitalize your v.

The book was actually very fascinating with its true stories, and shining hand painted picture of Napoleon on the front, with carved golden letters…


The book was actually very fascinating with its true stories and shining hand painted picture of Napoleon on the front with carved golden letters… [carved golden letters over it, maybe?]

All my cleaning equipment were kept there.


was kept there.

The towns water supplies were low because of the war that had just ended: this was one of the reasons why I wanted to move away from the mansion.


The town's... does he mean he still wants to move away? It's a little unclear.

The toilet was ´very` filthy


very filthy, maybe?

Who Was Alexander The Great


questions are followed by a question mark!

Two persons, who were capable of tactical thinking surrounded by a bunch of idiots, some less dumb some more, but all still idiots.


Punctuated slightly wrongly.

Two persons who were capable of tactical thinking surrounded by a bunch of idiots, some less dumb, some more, but all still idiots.

At the door there was my new neighbour Mrs. whatshername.


Even though it's not a name, it's still kinda a name. Mrs. Whatshername, therefore.


“Hello Mrs.…” the words automatically burst out of my mouth


full stop at the end.

“Salburgy.” She aided


"Salburgy," she aided.

“Mrs. Salburgy” I nodded.


"Mrs. Salburgy." I nodded. - if the nodding is a different action from the saying, or
"Mrs. Salburgy," I nodded. -if the nodding is how he's saying it.

“Well hello to you too Jacques!” She said in a delightful tone, smiling from chin to chin.


no capital s on she. And ear to ear, maybe...

“Well Jacques…” she started
“Please call me Jack.” I interrupted


“Well Jacques…” she started.
“Please call me Jack,” I interrupted.

Don't they sound kind of similar though? It's only really the j that sounds different... ah well, I guess he could prefer one to the other.

“Ooh! What kind of cake could it be?” I asked in a quickly


In a quickly?

tripping on my shirt


dripping. And ewww!

chocolaty smell


chocolately

hipity-hopped


hippety, I think. Don't take my word on it, though.

I grouched. I jumped.


crouched, right?

II. SPEECH, SPEECH, SPEECH

I tell a lot of people this, so I hope that you take what I tell you to heart.

"My cat just ate my shoes." Said Di, looking a little sad.

Is not right.

"My cat just ate my shoes." said Di, looking a little sad.

Is still not right.

"My cat just ate my shoes," said Di, looking a little sad.

Hooray! That's right.

"said Di," "he said," "she mumbled," "he asked looking hopeful," anything like that is called a speech tag. And a speech tag isn't a new sentence, it's just a continuation of the old one. So no full stops and no capital letters (unless it's a name, of course)! Question marks, exclamation marks and ellipses are all fine, but whenever there's a full stop followed by a speech tag, that full stop turns into a comma. Understand or no?

III. PROOFREAD!

There are some silly little mistakes lying around that you could easily get rid of if you just make sure you proofread your work carefully. Makes life a whoooole lot easier for your reviewer...

IV. CLEAR IT UP

I was a little confused through it, why did he buy the mansion, but now he wants away from it? You need to make things a little clearer in that sense, else your reader is a bit like "...what?"

V. OVERALL

As this is just a beginning, it's not too important to go into depth over the actual story. This was really cute actually, your main character seemed sweet. I enjoyed it, and as I say, seeing as it's Chapter 1, plot development and characterization aren't too important yet...

Hope I've helped, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Lord Anzius says...



Thanks I'll get editing.
To copy reality is good... But to create reality is much, much better.
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Rascalover says...



i think all of your critques above have pointed out some editing you need to do, but all in all I thought the first chapter to be interesting and very descriptive which is awesome. I really like your style of writing and i love how you ended it with almost a cliffhanger. I cant wait to read more please p.m. me when you have the next chapter up!
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PenguinAttack says...



Hello there, Lord Anzius.

I’ll do what I can to critique this to a good standard, but I can’t promise to critique other chapters, between university, work, and NaNo, I’m a little bit strapped for time.

Lord Anzius wrote:THE NEW MANSION
The view was very beautiful, as the sun was just rising from the east, and as no comma here, and I would take out “and as” it hit the snow making a bright, blindingly, no comma here beautiful glow. It was a strikingly beautiful day This bit is superfluous, you’ve already described how beautiful it is, perhaps just say “it was January and…”? in January, and I was very bored. I sighed, looking at the birds flying to the south; away from the cold winter. I wished that could have been one of them. The repetition of “I” is grating here, I think you might want to make this part of the sentence before it. Something like “…away from the cold winter, wishing I could be one of them.”?
I adjusted my specs and stared at the old, dusty book in my hands. The title of the book was: The Ventures of Napoleon Bonaparte. The book was actually very fascinating with its true stories, and shining hand painted picture of Napoleon on the front, with carved golden letters over it… Gazing throughout the room and I let out a great frustrated sigh; everything was broken and torn apart, the furniture was old and awful, the ceiling looked like it would collapse any minute and it smelled like fish guts. As I was cursing the world I cursed myself for buying a house from a catalogue called: A builder’s dream…

Okay, so there are a lot of issues in this paragraph. He adjusted his spectacles, yes? I thought, originially, that he meant some kind of binocoulars, so that’s slightly ambiguous. If the book is old and dusty, why is the picture shining? Carving involves wood and marble, not paper. Engraved might be what you’re looking for. You tell us all these things look like they do, but don’t describe them, what does the furniture actually look like, just pick one thing, a couch, the bed, a table, and describe it. Is the ceiling wet, cracked, bulging? What? And finally, your last line... is horrible. I’m sorry, but it’s just... ew. I’m sure it’s meant to be a joke, something to giggle at, but it feels like some kitschy joke, lame. I’d take it out completely.
I sat up and walked to the door that led to my closet. All my cleaning equipment was kept there. I opened the door and grabbed a mop, took a small bucket and some liquid soap. I manoeuvred my way through the piles of garbage and went to the door that led to my bathroom. I went in and filled my bucket with water. I could only take a small amount because of the rules of the little town. The town's water supplies were low because of the war that had just ended: this was one of the reasons why I wanted to move away from the mansion. But I didn't have the money anymore, and my new workplace was just a few hundred meters away.

Well, here you’ve got no flow. It’s all statements with full stops and you start with “I” too many times. Your first two lines could easily be combined, and some of your lines after that could do the same. Right now everything feels a bit dead, there’s no emotion and there’s no feeling, I’m not sure if that’s on purpose or not, but reading it is difficult.

The toilet was ´very` filthy and it had only a shower, small sink and an even smaller cup, which you were supposed to do your deeds in. I walked back to my chair and sat on it. I looked at my left hand side and lifted two other books: “Who Was Alexander The Great?” and “The Reign of Julius Caesar”. Two persons who were capable of tactical thinking surrounded by a bunch of idiots, some less dumb some more, but all still idiots. I yawned and was just about to sit on my chair again, when I heard a knock on the door. I let out a great groan, stood up and tumbled to the door. At the door there was my new neighbour Mrs. Whatshername.

Is his house all on one level? In the same room? Because he doesn’t seem to move very far to get anywhere. It’s all rather... boring. Nothing’s happening, nothing seems to want to happen, and there’s little interest here. While sometimes stories about nothing are still interesting, you don’t have the tone here to make it so.

“Hello Mrs.…” the words automatically burst out of my mouth.
“Salburgy,” She aided
“Mrs. Salburgy.” I nodded. She was a fairly round woman. Her hair was grey and she wore blindingly colourful clothes. She had a small round hat that had hand made one word pictures of flowers on it. She used an overpowering perfume that made people feel noxious around here. This line is very odd, he doesn’t know if it made other people ill does he? (Noxious can be likened to poisonous, so I believe it’s the wrong word to use here anyway.) and “around here” doesn’t fit, either.
“Well hello to you too Jacques!” she said in a delightful tone, smiling from ear to ear.
“What gives me this delightful privilege to meet you on this sunny day?” I said while wearing a false smile on my face.
“Well Jacques…” she started
“Please call me Jack.” I interrupted

Why do neither of these lines end with punctuation at all?

“Oh! Very well then. Last time when I came to visit you I forgot to give you this.” She picked a box out from her “the” instead of “her”. ´big` bag that she carried around everywhere.
“What is that?” I asked in a dull but curious tone
“Well it is a cake of course!”
“Ooh! What kind of cake could it be?” I asked in a quickly curious tone.
“Well. It is a chocolate cake that has…” the rest of her words travelled to the distance and were quiet from my ears. I could feel the drool dripping on my shirt while I looked at the box. This rarely happens, I hope you’re aware, the drool hitting one’s shirt, and so openly when this man is evidently attempting to be polite. I hadn’t had a real meal in days. Aah! I just wanted to taste that beautiful cake even once… Now I loved the lady because she had brought that salvation to me but I hated her because she did not give it to me and leave, but just kept yapping how she made it.


Well. Okay. I don’t like this right now, at all. There’s a lot of work you need to do to bring this up to standard. There’s a lamely comical element to the whole thing, the “hippity hop” and the way he describes the chocolate smell making him very happy. It all feels very unreal, unbelievable.

I realise what I’m saying – and what I have said, seems really harsh. But you asked for my critique and I really want to help you with this. The tone of your character changes, and there’s little personality there. He’s obviously a selfish, self-important man, but that’s little to go on. You don’t explain why she has the cake or how long it took for the woman gives it to him. You revert to saying “the lady” instead of her name, and you don’t give us any real emotions. There are a lot of statements that completely steal away all of your flow.

I’d suggest putting those last sounds of the child – I assume it’s a child- in italics, as well as your emphasis on words. I’m surprised the child stayed and didn’t try to bolt at all, which would have been sensible and expected. I assume you’ll explain that entire bit later, though.

As you can see, I’ve got a lot of issues with what you have, and I think you can make it better. You need some more imagery, and expansion in the story itself, show us what’s happening, instead of describing it.

Any questions, Pm me. ^^

*hearts* Le Penguin.
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