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Chapter Six: Escaping The Cave In The Past and Future



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Fri Aug 01, 2008 10:37 pm
Jon says...



Chapter Six
Escaping the cave in the past and future


The Canaby sisters woke up the next morning in complete darkness; nothing could be seen except a few glimmers of light. Those glimmers of light that came into the cave were from the spaces in between the rocks that were now compiled up against the entrance of the cave.

“We’re trapped” Rose said frantically “how’ll we get out?”

“I don’t know” Madeline said “is there anything in the trunk that can get us out?”

“Hold on” Rose said, getting into her trunk
She rambled through all of the gifts and she found a piece of chalk, a lightning shaped wand, and the box that Mary had given them in case they needed help.

“What do you think we should use?” Rose asked holding them in the light

“I don’t know what they do, but I think we should use the box Mary gave us.” Sarah said

“No, she said only to use it when we really need it” Madeline said


“I think this qualifies Madeline” Sarah retorted

“No, try using that lightning shaped wand Rose” Madeline said

“Ok but I think we should stand away from the entrance first” Rose said
The Canaby sisters went to the back of the small cave and took their light with them. Rose pointed the wand at the entrance of the cave and it did nothing, then she started to flail it up and down but still nothing.

“It’s not doing anything” Rose said still holding it towards the entrance, looking at her sisters

“Try to say something while holding it” Madeline suggested
Rose pointed it at the center of the rocks and yelled “lightning”, what Madeline suggested worked and a hot blue streak of lightning shot from the tip. The lightning hit the barrier that they had forgotten was there and rebounded off in a ball of energy that was coming towards them fast. The Canaby sisters ducked and the energy ball hit the back of the cave blasting a chunk out of it.

“Sarah, take the barrier down” Rose said “that could have killed us”

“Well you forgot it was there too” Sarah retorted

“You’re the one who put it up” Rose said

“I know that” Sarah said “but you’re the one who had lightning come out of that thing”

Alright, that’s enough, Sarah just take it down so we can blast a hole through those rocks. Madeline interrupted. “And Rose, when she does, get ready to blast the rocks before they can fall on us, remembers the barrier is the only thing holding them in place.

“Here I go” Sarah said

“Let in
Let out
Barrier once there
Now vanishes
To nowhere”
“Get ready” Madeline told Rose

The barrier vanished with a popping noise and all the rocks came hurtling towards them. Rose held out the wand and yelled “lightning”

A fierce blue bolt of lightning shot out of the wand and hit a rock, but it wasn’t enough, the rocks still came towards them. When Madeline realized that the wand wouldn’t save them she looked frantically for something else to help them.

In Madeline’s eyes time stood still, everything felt so slow, she looked at her sisters watching the terror in their eyes as the rocks neared, threatening to crush them, all of their hard work for nothing, just then the sunlight peered from the cave entrance making something glow in the corner by Sarah’s feet. Realizing what it was, Madeline dove towards it and grasped it into her hands vanishing in a tornado of yellow light just as the rocks slammed into the back of the cave.

As Madeline travelled through time it was as if she was in a black tube rushing upward by swirls of yellow light at her feet. The yellow, swirling light began to rise up her body and engulf her inside of the tube, she began to spin rapidly, so fast it looked as though she was in a cast of yellow.

A portal opened up right by the barrier and Madeline could see her sisters bickering and herself quieting them down, Madeline spun out of the portal in the tornado of light that had carried her there and landed hard on the ground with a thud, the light that was once around her vanished and she got up, putting the time ball in her pocket.

“Long time no see, eh” Madeline snickered

“Where are Sarah and I?” Rose asked “Why aren’t we with you?”

“Well, that’s what brings me here, I almost didn’t come here myself” Madeline said “It’s lucky I saw the time ball when I did or we all would have been dead.”

“Dead!?” Sarah shouted “Rose and I are, dead!

“Well, look on the bright side, at least your alive, now” Madeline said with the most optimism she could possibly conjure up.

“How did it happen?” Rose said

Madeline pointed her finger towards the blocked entrance and said “Well you see, our plan wasn’t the best, and I now know that trying to blast back tons or rocks with lightning doesn’t work.”

“That was our only plan” whined Sarah “what are we going to do now?”

“Well, we have many more objects that can help us Sarah, we just have to put our brains together” rose said “ what about the magic orb Mary gave us, I wonder what that would do?

“No, Mary said only to use it when we need it the most” both Madelines said in a freakish monotone type way that made Sarah and Rose stop and look at them.

“That was weird” future Madeline said

“I know, wasn’t it” past Madeline said

“Anyway,” Rose cut in “If we can’t use that then the only thing left is the piece of chalk and this wand that has a little engraving of a person on the side of it.

“Well, then those are what we shall use” future Madeline said “All we can do is hope for the best”

“We don’t even know what they will do” Sarah said “and what do you mean ‘hope for the best’, our lives are at stake.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” future Madeline said “I have faith that we’ll make it out of here, I don’t have much time left, the time ball only permits me to stay here for as long as I traveled back.”

As soon as she said that the yellow light started to creep from her pocket and circled around her in a blizzard of light. As it circled around her faster and faster noise began to build and she yelled “I love you” and she vanished from their sight in the tornado that had carried her there.

As Madeline traveled through time she worried what she would see on the other end of time.
Back in the past, Rose held up the chalk and said “You two our only chance at living”

Rose then walked over to one side of the cave while her sister’s watched her. She put the end of the chalk on the hard, gray wall and started to draw a circle. As she traced it, silver sparkles followed behind what she was drawing.

The silver sparkles completed the circle and then the rock inside of it started to de-materialize. Within a couple of seconds there was a big hole in the side of the cave that let the Canaby sisters see through the other side.

“Well that worked” Rose said “but what does this wand do?”

She took the wand in her hand and pointed it at the wall, nothing happened. Then she took the wand, raised it behind her head and made a flinging motion towards it, but still nothing.

“How do you even use it?” she said, and out of confusion she tapped it on her head

Just as she did that she started to shrink rapidly, wand still clutched in her hand, getting smaller too

“What’s happening?” Rose screamed, her voice getting more shrill and quiet as she shrank
Within seconds Rose was an inch tall and looking up at her two seemingly giant sisters.


Madeline and Sarah got down on their hands and knees looking at Rose to see if she was alright.

“Are you O.K.?” Madeline tried to say without laughing

“Yes” Rose said “I’m fine”

That’s when Madeline started to laugh hysterically, getting on her knees with tears streaming from her face like two waterfalls had just manifested on her.

“That’s not funny!” Rose squealed “Let’s see how you like it!”
Rose ran at Madeline’s knee and hit it with the wand, making her start to shrink too.
By then Sarah had gotten up on her feet, watching her two, tiny sisters bicker on the floor beneath her.

“Both of you, be quiet” Sarah said, her voice seemed to boom in their ears.
Madeline and Rose stopped their bickering and looked up at Sarah.

“We all can get out of the cave if you just listen.” Sarah said “We can draw a tiny door on the rocks keeping us in, and then we can just walk through it with all of our stuff once we’re shrunk”

“Sarah, maybe you don’t notice but Madeline and I are already shrunk” Rose squealed
“Rose, use your brain, just tap yourself again” Sarah said

Rose listened to her sister’s advice and, it worked, she grew back to normal size and after she was done growing she changed Madeline back too.

In the time tube, traveling back to the future, Madeline was riddled with worry that her sisters might not be alive. “If only I could have taken them with me” she thought “I can’t do this on my own.” Madeline had no clue that her sisters were fine and they had a plan, after all she left against her will before discussing it with them. Madeline felt the rush of wind that let her know she was about to enter the present, the yellow light engulfed her once more and she began to spin rapidly, as a portal opened up before her

Madeline, Rose, and Sarah walked through the path way underneath all of the rocks; almost as if they were in a tunnel. The tunnel was a rectangular, long path that Rose drew with the chalk. They dragged their packed-up trunks through the dirt leaving tiny foot marks and even tinier trails that the trunks made as they dragged them. They could all see the light at the end of the tunnel and the hunger to get out of there made them walk faster. They walked out of the tunnel and bright rays of sun shone upon them, giving them goose bumps.

“Sarah, take down the barrier so when Madeline reaches the future she doesn’t get trapped in there” Rose said

“Good idea” said Sarah

“Let in
Let out
Barrier once there
Now vanishes
To nowhere”

The barrier holding the rocks back, crushed the weakening barrier and flooded the cave, making a crunching noise as they hit the back.

“Well we know what I came back from the future for.” Madeline said “but where is future me?”



Madeline flew through the portal in the tornado of yellow light that transported her to the past and she landed outside of the cave entrance. As the yellow light diminished, she could see the cave flooded with rocks, her eyes grew wide with pain that she failed, she had failed her sisters.

“NO!” she cried “Sarah, Rose, I’m so sorry, I let you down”

Madeline curled herself in a ball and put her face in her hands and began to cry hysterically. She obviously didn’t see her tiny sister’s right next to her, including herself.

Rose made herself big again, along with Sarah and Madeline and she said “What do you mean you let us down?”

Madeline looked up from her hands and saw her sisters and herself, she automatically jumped up, hugging them, even herself.

Still weeping she said “I thought I lost you guys, I thought you were dead”

“You’re not getting rid of us that easily” Rose said

Madeline laughed, wiping away the tears on her face.
Just then both of the madelines began to levitate in the air, and started spinning. As they spun they drew closer and closer until morphing into one. Madeline, now one instead of two, slowed and levitated back to earth, dizzy.

“Whoa” she said, putting her hand on her head “remind me not to do that again”
After a minute of gathering her body back again Madeline stood up and said “where are the trunks?”

“Oh, right there” Rose pointed to the little black trunks on the ground that looked like black pebbles.
Rose took the sizing wand, as she now called it, out of her deep pocket from the tunic she wore and tapped each one of them, making them to size.

“Well, at least we don’t have to say the shrinking spell ever again” Sarah said

“Good” Madeline said “as much as we travel, that wand is a necessity”

“I Think I’m Going to hold on to it, so whenever we need it I can get to it quickly” Rose said

“Well if you get that then I get to keep the time ball with me” Madeline said

“What will I get?” whined Sarah

“You have the strongest power, you don’t get anything” Rose teased

“Well I do” Sarah emphasized the word ‘do’ “have the strongest power, wait, no I don’t, the power switcher switched our powers!

“I forgot about that” Madeline said “I have your power Sarah, I’m” she emphasized ‘I’m’ “ the most powerful now”

“Well, not for long, I have Rose’s power of knowing and it won’t last for more than two more hours.” Sarah retorted

“I want to try it out, can I?” Madeline squealed

“Why not” sighed Sarah

“Here I go” Madeline said

She stretched both of her arms in front of her and shot steady streams of green light at her sisters. The green light engulfed them making them have a green aura around them.

“Now,” Madeline’s voice was really deep and powerful sounding “get on your staffs and follow me”
Still glowing bright green, Rose and Sarah couldn’t help but listen to her; they got their staffs without question and followed her through the sky. Madeline landed by the pond with her sisters and waved her arm in front of them, making the green aura go away.

“Don’t do that again” Sarah’s voice was stern “ you can’t control it, it will overtake you if you abuse it.”

“O.K.” Madeline said “you said I could use it”

“I didn’t think you would control us!” Sarah squealed

“What did you think I was going to use it on?” retorted Madeline

“Well…” Sarah tried to say

“Enough!” Rose said “why did you take us down here for, Madeline?”

“You’ll see” Madeline said “you’ll see.”
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Mon Aug 04, 2008 6:18 pm
Jon says...



People, I need reviews badly, please with sprinkles

P.S. the only reason why i bumped this post is because it went off the first page with no reviews so please people of YWS, rescue this piece!


---Jon---
:D
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Mon Aug 04, 2008 7:59 pm
andimlovegalore says...



Line by Line Review
The Canaby sisters woke up the next morning in complete darkness; nothing could be seen except a few glimmers of light. Those glimmers of light that came into the cave were from the spaces in between the rocks that were now compiled compiled is the wrong word, piled more like. up against the entrance of the cave.

“We’re trapped” Rose said frantically “how’ll we get out?” You need a comma in the speech marks, "We're trapped," Rose said frantically, "how'll we get out?" - you need that sort of thing every time, I won't correct it from now on though cus it'll take forever.

“I don’t know” Madeline said “is there anything in the trunk that can get us out?”

“Hold on” Rose said, getting into her trunk Missed a full stop here, also this is a weird sentence. How does she get into the trunk?

She rambled rambled isn't the right word, maybe you meant rifled through all of the gifts and she found a piece of chalk, a lightning shaped wand, and the box that Mary had given them in case they needed help.

“What do you think we should use?” Rose asked holding them in the light put a comma after asked, and a fullstop after light.

“I don’t know what they do, but I think we should use the box Mary gave us.” Sarah said Another missed full stop at the end, and I think you should change "they" to "it", because I think you were talking about the box here rather than all the other stuff...

“No, she said only to use it when we really need it” Madeline said

“I think this qualifies Madeline” Sarah retorted

“No, try using that lightning shaped wand Rose” Madeline said

“Ok but I think we should stand away from the entrance first” Rose said You say "Madelein said" and "Rose said" a lot, it might look nicer if you change it to some other word than said, and you don't really need it after every line anyway because it's only them talking.

The Canaby sisters went to the back of the small cave and took their light with them. Rose pointed the wand at the entrance of the cave and it did nothing, then she started to flail it up and down but still nothing. I think this would be better like "Rose pointed the wand at the entrance of the cave, but nothing happened. She started to flail wildly up and down but there was still nothing."

“It’s not doing anything” Rose said still holding it towards the entrance, looking at her sisters Yeah, you keep forgetting to put a full stop at the end of these bits. You really need a full stop whenever you start a new line. Like before, I'll just say this one time.

“Try to say something while holding it” Madeline suggested

Rose pointed it at the center of the rocks and yelled “lightning”, what Madeline suggested worked and a hot blue streak of lightning shot from the tip. This should be more exciting, like "Rose pointed it at the center of the rocks. She stood back and yelled: "lightning!" A burning hot blue streak of lightning shot from the tip of the wand and into the rocks." The lightning hit the barrier that they had forgotten was there and rebounded off in a ball of energy that was coming towards them fast. The Canaby sisters ducked and the energy ball hit the back of the cave blasting a chunk out of it. I think the problem here is that you said it a little bit too fast, you need to spread it out a bit more because it sounds sort of rushed.

“Sarah, take the barrier down” Rose said “that could have killed us”

“Well you forgot it was there too” Sarah retorted

“You’re the one who put it up” Rose said It's that said said retorted thing again.

“I know that” Sarah said “but you’re the one who had lightning come out of that thing”

Alright, that’s enough, Sarah just take it down so we can blast a hole through those rocks. you forgot the speech marks on this bit. Madeline interrupted. “And Rose, when she does, get ready to blast the rocks before they can fall on us, remembers the barrier is the only thing holding them in place. You forgot the last speech marks again. Remembers should be remember.

“Here I go” Sarah said

“Let in

Let out

Barrier once there

Now vanishes

To nowhere”

“Get ready” Madeline told Rose

The barrier vanished with a popping noise and all the rocks came hurtling towards them. Rose held out the wand and yelled “lightning”

A fierce blue bolt of lightning shot out of the wand and hit a rock, but it wasn’t enough, the rocks still came towards them. When Madeline realized that the wand wouldn’t save them she looked frantically for something else to help them. Here it's too fast again. You need to put in the whole scene, all the sounds and lights and colours, just to set the scene a bit more. Also "hit a rock" -> wouldn't it hit more than one, like spread out and crackle across all of them?

In Madeline’s eyes time stood still, everything felt so slow, she looked at her sisters watching the terror in their eyes as the rocks neared, threatening to crush them, all of their hard work for nothing, just then the sunlight peered from the cave entrance making something glow in the corner by Sarah’s feet. Really long sentence, cut it up into at least 2. Realizing what it was, Madeline dove towards it and grasped it into her hands vanishing in a tornado of yellow light just as the rocks slammed into the back of the cave.

As Madeline travelled through time it was as if she was in a black tube rushing upward by swirls of yellow light at her feet. Woah, what just happened? The yellow, swirling light began to rise up her body and engulf her inside of the tube, she began to spin rapidly, so fast it looked as though she was in a cast of yellow.

A portal opened up right by the barrier and Madeline could see her sisters bickering and herself quieting them down, Madeline spun out of the portal in the tornado of light that had carried her there and landed hard on the ground with a thud, the light that was once around her vanished and she got up, putting the time ball in her pocket.

“Long time no see, eh” Madeline snickered

“Where are Sarah and I?” Rose asked “Why aren’t we with you?”

“Well, that’s what brings me here, I almost didn’t come here myself” Madeline said “It’s lucky I saw the time ball when I did or we all would have been dead.”

“Dead!?” Sarah shouted “Rose and I are, dead! Another missed speech mark, also that comma doesn't make sense there. If you want her to sort of pause in horror use a "..."

“Well, look on the bright side, at least your alive, now” Madeline said with the most optimism she could possibly conjure up. Another weird comma. Just delete that. Also she's weirdly calm considering.

“How did it happen?” Rose said

Madeline pointed her finger towards the blocked entrance and said “Well you see, our plan wasn’t the best, and I now know that trying to blast back tons or rocks with lightning doesn’t work.”

“That was our only plan” whined Sarah “what are we going to do now?”

“Well, we have many more objects that can help us Sarah, we just have to put our brains together” rose said “ what about the magic orb Mary gave us, I wonder what that would do?

“No, Mary said only to use it when we need it the most” both Madelines said in a freakish monotone type way that made Sarah and Rose stop and look at them.

“That was weird” future Madeline said

“I know, wasn’t it” past Madeline said

“Anyway,” Rose cut in “If we can’t use that then the only thing left is the piece of chalk and this wand that has a little engraving of a person on the side of it. More missed speech marks.

“Well, then those are what we shall use” future Madeline said “All we can do is hope for the best”

“We don’t even know what they will do” Sarah said “and what do you mean ‘hope for the best’, our lives are at stake.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” future Madeline said “I have faith that we’ll make it out of here, I don’t have much time left, the time ball only permits me to stay here for as long as I traveled back.” I think you missed something here. "The time ball only permits me to stay here for..." some length of time? I don't get this.

As soon as she said that the yellow light started to creep from her pocket and circled around her in a blizzard of light. Blizzard of light is lovely. You did say light just before though, maybe change one of them to some other word. As it circled around her faster and faster noise began to build and she yelled “I love you” and she vanished from their sight in the tornado that had carried her there.

As Madeline traveled through time she worried what she would see on the other end of time.

Back in the past, Rose held up the chalk and said “You two our only chance at living”

Rose then walked over to one side of the cave while her sister’s watched her. She put the end of the chalk on the hard, gray wall and started to draw a circle. As she traced it, silver sparkles followed behind what she was drawing.

The silver sparkles completed the circle and then the rock inside of it started to de-materialize. Within a couple of seconds there was a big hole in the side of the cave that let the Canaby sisters see through the other side.

“Well that worked” Rose said “but what does this wand do?”

She took the wand in her hand and pointed it at the wall, nothing happened. Then she took the wand, raised it behind her head and made a flinging motion towards it, but still nothing.

“How do you even use it?” she said, and out of confusion she tapped it on her head

Just as she did that she started to shrink rapidly, wand still clutched in her hand, getting smaller too

“What’s happening?” Rose screamed, her voice getting more shrill and quiet as she shrank

Within seconds Rose was an inch tall and looking up at her two seemingly giant sisters.

Madeline and Sarah got down on their hands and knees looking at Rose to see if she was alright.

“Are you O.K.?” Madeline tried to say without laughing

“Yes” Rose said “I’m fine”

That’s when Madeline started to laugh hysterically, getting on her knees with tears streaming from her face like two waterfalls had just manifested on her. Manifested is a weird word in this sentence, I don't know why. It'd be fine to just end this sentence at "waterfalls"

“That’s not funny!” Rose squealed “Let’s see how you like it!”

Rose ran at Madeline’s knee and hit it with the wand, making her start to shrink too.

By then Sarah had gotten up on her feet, watching her two, tiny sisters bicker on the floor beneath her. delete the comma in between two and tiny.

“Both of you, be quiet” Sarah said, her voice seemed to boom in their ears.

Madeline and Rose stopped their bickering and looked up at Sarah.

“We all can get out of the cave if you just listen.” Sarah said “We can draw a tiny door on the rocks keeping us in, and then we can just walk through it with all of our stuff once we’re shrunk”

“Sarah, maybe you don’t notice but Madeline and I are already shrunk” Rose squealed

“Rose, use your brain, just tap yourself again” Sarah said

Rose listened to her sister’s advice and, it worked, she grew back to normal size and after she was done growing she changed Madeline back too. That comma after the and is wrong.

In the time tube, traveling back to the future, Madeline was riddled with worry that her sisters might not be alive. “If only I could have taken them with me” she thought “I can’t do this on my own.” Madeline had no clue that her sisters were fine and they had a plan, after all she had left against her will before discussing it with them. I don't think this is necessary, all the "after all" stuff. We already know that. Madeline felt the rush of wind that let her know she was about to enter the present, the yellow light engulfed her once more and she began to spin rapidly, as a portal opened up before her

Madeline, Rose, and Sarah walked through the path way underneath all of the rocks; almost as if they were in a tunnel. The tunnel was a rectangular, long path that Rose drew with the chalk. They dragged their packed-up trunks through the dirt leaving tiny foot marks and even tinier trails that the trunks made as they dragged them. They could all see the light at the end of the tunnel and the hunger to get out of there made them walk faster. They walked out of the tunnel and bright rays of sun shone upon them, giving them goose bumps.

“Sarah, take down the barrier so when Madeline reaches the future she doesn’t get trapped in there” Rose said

“Good idea” said Sarah

“Let in

Let out

Barrier once there

Now vanishes

To nowhere”

The barrier holding the rocks back, crushed the weakening barrier and flooded the cave, making a crunching noise as they hit the back. The barrier crushed the barrier?

“Well we know what I came back from the future for.” Madeline said “but where is future me?”

Madeline flew through the portal in the tornado of yellow light that transported her to the past and she landed outside of the cave entrance. As the yellow light diminished, she could see the cave flooded with rocks, her eyes grew wide with pain that she failed, she had failed her sisters.

“NO!” she cried “Sarah, Rose, I’m so sorry, I let you down”

Madeline curled herself in a ball and put her face in her hands and began to cry hysterically. She obviously didn’t see her tiny sister’s right next to her, including herself.

Rose made herself big again, along with Sarah and Madeline and she said “What do you mean you let us down?”

Madeline looked up from her hands and saw her sisters and herself, she automatically jumped up, hugging them, even herself.

Still weeping she said “I thought I lost you guys, I thought you were dead”

“You’re not getting rid of us that easily” Rose said

Madeline laughed, wiping away the tears on her face.

Just then both of the madelines began to levitate in the air, and started spinning. As they spun they drew closer and closer until morphing into one. Madeline, now one instead of two, slowed and levitated back to earth, dizzy.

“Whoa” she said, putting her hand on her head “remind me not to do that again”

After a minute of gathering her body back again Madeline stood up and said “where are the trunks?”

“Oh, right there” Rose pointed to the little black trunks on the ground that looked like black pebbles.

Rose took the sizing wand, as she now called it, out of her deep pocket from the tunic she wore and tapped each one of them, making them to size.

“Well, at least we don’t have to say the shrinking spell ever again” Sarah said

“Good” Madeline said “as much as we travel, that wand is a necessity”

“I Think I’m Going to hold on to it, so whenever we need it I can get to it quickly” Rose said capital on "going" and "think" are wrong.

“Well if you get that then I get to keep the time ball with me” Madeline said

“What will I get?” whined Sarah

“You have the strongest power, you don’t get anything” Rose teased

“Well I do” Sarah emphasized the word ‘do’ “have the strongest power, wait, no I don’t, the power switcher switched our powers!

“I forgot about that” Madeline said “I have your power Sarah, I’m” she emphasized ‘I’m’ “ the most powerful now” Why not just put the word I'm in italics or something. That's make it simpler.

“Well, not for long, I have Rose’s power of knowing and it won’t last for more than two more hours.” Sarah retorted

“I want to try it out, can I?” Madeline squealed

“Why not” sighed Sarah

“Here I go” Madeline said

She stretched both of her arms in front of her and shot steady streams of green light at her sisters. The green light engulfed them making them have a green aura around them. Making them have a green aura around them = sort of clumsy. I think "giving them a green aura" would sound better.

“Now,” Madeline’s voice was really deep and powerful sounding “get on your staffs and follow me”

Still glowing bright green, Rose and Sarah couldn’t help but listen to her; they got their staffs without question and followed her through the sky. Madeline landed by the pond with her sisters and waved her arm in front of them, making the green aura go away.

“Don’t do that again” Sarah’s voice was stern “ you can’t control it, it will overtake you if you abuse it.”

“O.K.” Madeline said “you said I could use it”

“I didn’t think you would control us!” Sarah squealed

“What did you think I was going to use it on?” retorted Madeline

“Well…” Sarah tried to say

“Enough!” Rose said “why did you take us down here for, Madeline?”

“You’ll see” Madeline said “you’ll see.”

------------
Punctuation
Your speech needs punctuating properly, like I said earlier on. You use commas wrongly sometimes so you need to check yourself constantly on that. Also you forget to even put punctuation in sometimes, like missing speech marks and no full stops at the end of sentences - that's just messy really. Read through your stuff and check it! I'm sure it's not that you don't know how to use it, you just forget or get carried away. That's fine, but you have to check after you've written it.

Storytelling
You have great, action scenes here. Some really cool stuff is going on, all the magic and the time travel and the falling rocks, totally awesome. You just need to get it across to the reader in a more well rounded way, not just this happened then this happened then this happened - I want to know how in some more detail. I want every sense explored. I want the emotions of the people in the story speaking to me much more often. Sometimes you skip through details way too fast, you're not really in a big hurry. You don't have to spend hours explaining every time movement, it's fine to skip through some stuff, but you need to add a few descriptive words in just to make everything more real.

Overall
I see your story telling is great, you have pretty interesting and original characters. I like the way you move along through the story, everything happens and it's interesting. There are a few problems though. I think if you worked these out it'd be great. I know I've been quite harsh here, don't take that as meaning your story isn't good because it is =] once you've fixed all the punctuation issues and a few wording problems it'll be much easier to read and understand, and I think if you changed some of the sentence structure and added more fine detail I'd really like it.
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Wed Aug 06, 2008 6:02 pm
Conrad Rice says...



Okay, this is going somewhere. Where that somewhere is, I'm not exactly sure. But I'll give this my best shot.

There is one thing that I see sticking out in this story. The magic seems a little flawed. Specifically, it doesn't seem like there's a cost for using it. Magic always seems more believable if it comes with a cost. It doesn't have to be explicitly stated, either. Example, in LOTR: The Fellowship of the Ring, Gandalf the wizard fights a huge fire demon on a narrow bridge. He uses magic to defeat it. End result: he gets pulled into the abyss and dies. That is the only time he uses magic in a really big way. There are extenuating circumstances we could go into, but that's beside the point. If you just have people just casting magic willy nilly, with no consequences, it seems a lot like deus ex machina.

Which brings me to my last complaint. The time ball. To be nice, that reeked of deus ex machina. It was so convenient and saved them at just the right time. You need to give it a reason for being or something. Then people won't just look at it and go, "that's a deus ex machina."

Sorry I'm rushed and a little tart with you. I'm in kind of a bind. But this story does look like it's going somewhere. With your tender care, it will be somewhere good.
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Sat Sep 06, 2008 3:57 pm
thunder_dude7 says...



Other than the grammer, this was pretty good.

The only real thing that I didn't like was the time travel bit. I got extremely confused. I couldn't figure out what was happening. Try to describe what was happening in more detail.

Other than that, adminlovegalor got the rest of it. Overall, nice work!
  





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Sun Sep 14, 2008 8:07 am
Fellow says...



Ok. The review :
1.) At first glare i saw that you use a lot the word "said" - try giving tips about who`s next in the dialogue - example: ...Sarah said searching for Madeline form and waiting for her to give an answear.

Let me remake this. The action is not coursing as it should.

The Canaby sisters went to the back of the small cave and took their light with them. Rose pointed the wand at the entrance of the cave and it did nothing, then she started to flail it up and down but still nothing.

“It’s not doing anything” Rose said still holding it towards the entrance, looking at her sisters

“Try to say something while holding it” Madeline suggested


The Canaby sisters went to the back of the small cave and took their light with them. Rose pointed the wand at the cave and [s]it did nothing,then [/s] she started to flail it up and down [s]but still nothing[/s].
"Here goes ... nothing?" Desperate she let her arm beside her.
"Try to say something while holding it" Madeline suggested with a strange glow in her eyes.

Rose pointed it at the center of the rocks and yelled “lightning”, what Madeline suggested worked and a hot blue streak of lightning shot from the tip. The lightning hit the barrier that they had forgotten was there and rebounded off in a ball of energy that was coming towards them fast. The Canaby sisters ducked and the energy ball hit the back of the cave blasting a chunk out of it.


Rose pointed it at the center of the rocks and yelled "lightning" and to her surprise a hot blue streak of lightning shot from the tip. As the lightning crossed through the cave Rose saw with the corner of the eye how Sarah closes her eyes in terror as she remembers something.The lightning hit the barrier that they had forgotten was there and rebounded off in a ball of energy that was coming towards them fast. The Canaby sisters ducked and the energy ball hit the back of the cave blasting a chunk out of it. The sound of the energy ball shattering into pieces echoed painfully in the cave making the girls cover their ears

Alright, that’s enough, Sarah just take it down so we can blast a hole through those rocks. Madeline interrupted. “And Rose, when she does, get ready to blast the rocks before they can fall on us, remembers the barrier is the only thing holding them in place.


Enough! Both of you!Sarah just take it down so we can blast a hole through those rocks. Madeline interrupted. “And Rose, when she does, get ready to blast the rocks before they can fall on us, remembers the barrier is the only thing holding them in place.

- Don't you think this is a bold move for some inexperienced sorceress?

That’s when Madeline started to laugh hysterically, getting on her knees with tears streaming down her face like two waterfalls had just manifested on her.


2.) You pass from a feeling to another very fast. In one part they were laughing, in the other part they were crying.
3.) The action is fine but you take it to fast. Take your time and describe : the cave, the clothes (dusty...) the faces of the girls and so.

That's all that i needed to point out. Overall its a great idea, but you need to sharp some edges here and there. If i see something else that needs to be said i`ll reply again. Good luck!

-Akayl
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Mon Sep 22, 2008 4:12 am
chocoholic says...



Hey! I'm here, as promised. Sorry it took me so long. I've read the first five, an I just want to quickly say that they're pretty good, but cliche, as I found this one. If you want me to crit those ones as well, just ask and I will.

I won't go into the whole grammar/spelling/puncuation thing, because other people have already told you about that, but from reading this and the other chapters, you need to edit it with the advice! It gets very weird, and makes the whole story hard to read. Also, you should sort out the spacing. That's really annoying, too.

I'm beginning to get quite confused, and the time-travel bit just lost me. You need to make it a bit clearer, and then your story will start to improve.

I also found this quite cliche. I'm not a fantasy expert, but I've read my share, and this isn't original at all. You need to think about what makes your story different to all the other fantasy stories out there. If this was published and sitting in the bookshop, why should I buy this instead of something else?

I hope I've helped, but I can't really give a good critique until you make it clearer. I believe this could tun into something good, but you need to really think about it and try a bit harder t make it original.

Good luck!
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Tue Dec 02, 2008 4:52 am
zankoku_na_tenshi says...



Hey there! Nice chapter once again, I enjoyed reading this one. The magical items in this story are all really cool, and I still love the magic system.

I enjoyed seeing how the sisters solved their predicament, and how the different personalities played off each other. I think the more I read this story, the more I notice the real closeness between the sisters, shown even through their humor and their arguments. I think they’re very like real siblings, the deep friendship and little rivalries between them, and I’m continuing to grow to like them more as characters. ^_^

A few small critiques:

As Madeline traveled through time she worried what she would see on the other end of time.

This sounds a little redundant… I think you can just leave it as “the other end.”

The silver sparkles completed the circle and then the rock inside of it started to de-materialize. Within a couple of seconds there was a big hole in the side of the cave that let the Canaby sisters see through the other side.

That’s a neat power, but what I don’t understand is this: Why couldn’t they just draw a really big circle and get rid of all the rocks?

Madeline had no clue that her sisters were fine and they had a plan, after all she left against her will before discussing it with them.

This seems just a bit too telling-ish to me, I don’t think you need this sentence at all, really. The readers already know what the other sisters are doing, and they already know Madeline doesn’t know.

The barrier holding the rocks back, crushed the weakening barrier and flooded the cave, making a crunching noise as they hit the back.

Um… what? XD I’m sorry, I can’t quite figure out what this sentence is saying. Can you reword it a little?

“Well I do” Sarah emphasized the word ‘do’ “have the strongest power, wait, no I don’t, the power switcher switched our powers!

“I forgot about that” Madeline said “I have your power Sarah, I’m” she emphasized ‘I’m’ “ the most powerful now”

I don’t think you need the “she emphasized (word)” bit. That’s what italics are for. ^_~

So yeah, good chapter as always, hope I can get caught up soon. ^_^

Anyway, grammar edits are attached this time, just to make my life 10x easier. XD:
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