ink_on_fire wrote:Hey, I was planning on critiquing this for you but it hurts my eyes too much.Why don't you change the font, then perhaps more people will review.If you get around to it, PM me and I'll be glad to review this for you.
First thing I noticed, if ya wanna emphasise something, never ever, put it all in caps. It looks untidy and unprofessional.
You're right about the names, can't ya just write it one way and then someone says her nickname?
Where you skip to next part, you could instead write about the journey. Don't ever skip a long journey for laziness, so much could happen.
Lucretia remembered the last time it was this silent in the throne room.
“You do realize how vulnerable I am down there,” Lucretia said.
“I don’t like this decision to leave the City and go down there, Daemyn. I don’t like leading the Clans down there without having a full plan,” she said, looking back at him with fierce blue eyes.
“Tia, you are a good, strong leader. The people look to you for guidance, and know that you will not willingly lead them to danger. It was unfortunate that we had to make the decision to leave so quickly, but there is no other alternative. Now, come. We must leave so that the Orrick can be hidden.”
Lucretia nodded slowly. “I hope you’re right about this.”
Lucretia was now slowly climbing down the branches of the Orrick, reaching one hand after another for a branch as she climbed further away from her home. She stopped, sitting on one branch and catching her breath with a gasp as she closed her eyes.
This time it was Eirian, one of the other counselors of her Clan, speaking. He was a few branches below her and had stopped when he no longer heard her climbing.
“Yes[s], [/s]. I[s]’[/s] am fine,” Lucretia insisted. With that, she continued climbing downwards.
Soon, the ground was right below her. She waited until Eirian had dropped to the ground and moved before she swung herself from the lowest branch and let go, falling to the ground.
“Yes. There are a few leaders coming after you, but we should all be here,” Eirian answered.
“That will have to work for now,” Tia agreed.
When she opened her eyes, the Orrick had disappeared. Good, it had worked. Satisfied, she turned back toward the others and started following behind them.
The bounty hunter, whose actual name was Hawklin, stood across from her, his arms folded across his chest. His gaze was fierce and steady, showing no emotion on his features. He turned his head away and to the lake that was a few feet to his right. “Tia, your status and race don’t matter to me. I fell in love with who you are as a person, not who you are as the Braighar of Caelestis,” Hawk said. “What is it you want me to do, Hawk?” Tia turned to face him. “I can’t just change the minds of the other leaders with the snap of a finger so that we can live happily ever after. It doesn’t work like that. There are complications.” “I want you to fight for what we have, Tia. I want you to stop caring so much about what their laws say and just . . .” Hawk sighed. Tia turned her head away as Hawk walked toward her, putting his hands on her arms. “I’m sorry, Tia. I’m just frustrated. It’s not fair of me to ask you to go against the Clan leaders.” “It is fair of you, Hawk,” Tia replied. “I’m just . . . scared, of not being able to be with you.”
“I’m fine, Eirian,” Tia replied. “Let’s keep going.”
Lucretia now stood at the mouth of the caves the Clans had found. She stood leaning against the rocky wall, gazing up at the moon. A soft breeze made her shiver in its cold embrace, which made her hug her arms around herself. Tia turned her head slightly, looking in the direction she knew her true home was in, watching the clouds roll slowly by.
“Your Highness?” [s]A [/s]a voice asked.
Tia jumped, standing straight backed again and turned to look at whoever had approached her. People seemed to have a knack for startling her lately.
“The other leaders would like to speak with you.” It was Daemyn this time.
Tia nodded, tight lipped.
“Gentlemen,” he said, his voice raised. He waited until they’d stopped and their attention was on him. “We need to discuss this as calmly as possible so that it does not take us all night to do. Now . . . what I propose is that we find one of the Earth kingdoms near by and form an alliance.”
I don’t know whether to be angry at the very idea or just . . . accept it, she thought.
Tia had to keep herself from growling and muttering under her breath. It was bad enough she had been chosen- no, practically forced- to be the leader of the Sky Empire, but to be forced into marriage, too?
Slowly[s],[/s] she slid down the wall and to the ground. She sat down, bringing her legs up to rest her arms on them.
Quote:“You do realize how vulnerable I am down there,” Lucretia said.Missed some words. Also, is this a question or what? It's kind of a fake-out sentence - half statement, half question.
Also, the first part, while it gives vital information (the plan and the guy’s name,) it’s forced. Who says that? Just give us hints. I think ‘I don’t like leading the Clans down there without having a full plan, Daemyn’ would work much better. It still gives us information, and it sounds realistic.
No, it did not make sense. J It works, but it doesn’t seem like something he’d call her. You need to show us their close relationship if you want this to work. Right now, it just sounds disrespectful.
I’d end (this part) here. The next line isn’t that important (we can assume that’s what they did,) and this is a much stronger ending. It makes me want to read after the *****.
According to my English teacher, it is custom for these to be in odd numbers. (Usually three or five.) You have six. (I think it was just a typo - I see only five next time.)
At first, ‘coming after you’ sounded threatening. Maybe rephrase a bit?
The second sentence was boring – spice it up! Also, I’m still confused as to what the Orrick is… at first I thought it was the stone.
You need to italicize all of that.
Don’t forget about the first guard! You can’t just ignore him as you see fit. J
Also, didn’t the guard find the caves, not the Clans?
1. When wasn’t she straight backed? And what’s the point of this? 2. When has she been startled lately? Don’t give us useless information just to lengthen something. Also, use this paragraph to have her turn around and see who was speaking.
Also, does this mean someone else had said ‘your highness?’ See the above comment for more on this.
Isn’t he just a guard? You need to show how much authority a guard has in this world, and early on. Oh – I see he isn’t a guard. I thought he was – maybe make this more clear?
This time it was Eirian, one of the other counselors of her Clan, speaking
She’s not being forced – she’s being given the option.
See, that’s a lot of information. (And I don't even think I put it all in.) This is only chapter one – slow down! You have all the time in the world to show us this. Make it a bit mysterious. Let us wonder who Hawk is – don’t show us yet.
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