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LMS V: exorcism of a love that never was



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Thu Sep 26, 2019 3:03 pm
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niteowl says...



Perhaps it's unhealthy to dwell on the past, to exhume feelings that should be long gone by now, but I find myself dwelling anyway, so let's make a project of it.

work/niteowl/On-Cigarettes-and-Limerence-142109-a prologue of sorts as I plan to dive into the nitty-gritty of this non-romance.

Poems may be 18+ for language and sexual content. Some will also address mental illness. I will post relevant warnings on each entry.
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Fri Sep 27, 2019 4:57 pm
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niteowl says...



Playlist Songs that make me think of this person/situation (in progress)(also yes I have a slight Taylor Swift problem lol)

Spoiler! :

Katy Perry "Never Really Over"
Katy Perry "The One that Got Away"
Taylor Swift "Red"
Taylor Swift "Fearless"
Taylor Swift "Stay Beautiful"
Taylor Swift "Invisible"
Taylor Swift "Hey Stephen"
Taylor Swift "White Horse"
Taylor Swift "Cold As You"
Taylor Swift "Sparks Fly"
Taylor Swift "Enchanted"
Taylor Swift "Last Kiss"
Taylor Swift "Long Live"
Taylor Swift "Holy Ground"
Taylor Swift "All Too Well"
Taylor Swift "I Almost Do"
Taylor Swift "The Story of Us"
Taylor Swift "All You Had to Do Was Stay"
Taylor Swift "Blank Space"
Taylor Swift "I Wish You Would"
Taylor Swift "Clean"
Taylor Swift "Jump That Fall"
Taylor Swift "Come In With the Rain"
Missy Higgins "Where I Stood"
Michelle Branch "Where Are You Now"
Michelle Branch "Find Your Way Back"
Michelle Branch "Sooner or Later"
Michelle Branch "Everywhere"
Michelle Branch "Heartbreak Now"
Paramore-"Tell Me How"
Yolanda Be Cool and DCUP-We No Speak Americano
Edward Maya and Vika Juliana-Stereo Love
Shakira-Waka Waka
Melendi-Loco
Melendi "Con Solo Una Sonrisa"
Melendi "Por Amarte Tanto"
Lady Gaga "Bad Romance"
Shakira "La Tortura"
Shakira "Dia Especial"
Shakira "Lo Imprescindible"
Jade Bird "Good Woman"
Maggie Rogers "Light On"
Maggie Rogers "Overnight"
Dido "White Flag"
Lady Gaga "Perfect Illusion"
Ria Mae "Not Your Type"
Brandi Carlisle "Every Time I Hear That Song"
Metric "Now or Never"
Julieta Venegas-Limon y Sal
Lorde "Green Light"
Lorde "The Louvre"
Lorde "Liability"
Lorde "Writer in the Dark"
Lorde "Supercut"
Serena Ryder "Weak in the Knees"
Kesha "Your Love is My Drug"
R.E.M. "Losing My Religion"
Fall Out Boy "A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Touch Me"
Fall Out Boy "7 Minutes in Heaven"
Fall Out Boy "Dead on Arrival"
Fall Out Boy "The Pros and Cons of Breathing"
Passenger "The Wrong Direction"
Passenger "A Thousand Matches"
Passenger "The Way that I Need You"
Camila Cabello "All These Years"
The Killers-"Mr. Brightside"
The Killers-"When You Were Young"
The Killers-"Change Your Mind"
The Killers-"Read My Mind"
The Fray-"Vienna"


Okay so I am about to do something very brave or very stupid. I have read the journal from that summer and I have thoughts about it. It's cringe-tastic, but there's actually some interesting stuff in the end.

Spoiler! :

"don't let me go for you, unless you'll go for me too" (side note: weird this is way earlier than i realized)
"i just hope i don't mis-step and scare you away" (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
"it's 5:10 am now...I woke up at 3:45 and can't get back to sleep (OMG 2010 ME YOU WATCHED HIMYM, NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS AFTER 2 AM)
me, on the lady shushing people at the Guernica exhibit: "Do voices ruin the painting or something?" (this has nothing to do with the lms stuff, but is too funny to not comment on)
"Note to self: just because it has Coke in it doesn't mean you should drink it like it's Coke" (me, on that poor Spaniard cocktail known as the kalimocho (cheap wine and Coke)
"D walked me home and I stepped in dog shit on the way. I guess someone told him that was good luck, so yay?" (omg this is such an amazing detail i don't remember)
"Why? Why am I like this every time? Why can't I have any attention, not even from the drunk guys? When will they touch me like that, like the good girl that they really want? Why is it me that gets rejected time after time?" (written in semi-legible Spanish)
"Tell me, please, why do i want (want not love) you so much despite everything? (side note: drunk me was smart enough to specify the use of querer here, so kudos to her) (also I think this is about the asshole who said "nobody wants to be with you", not the subject of this insane journey)
"Dear D, Well, if I can't tell anyone else yet I might as well tell this journal: I LIKE YOU!" (okay this page is considerably neater than the previous entry, so I must have been sober when I wrote it)
"I don't know if it's right, I doubt you feel the same way, and logically I shouldn't even want you"
"i think (the girls who wouldn't shut up about their boyfriends back home) drove me crazy in part because I am bitterly jealous. Not about the missing-them part, but the having-someone-to-miss part"
"Come September, I'll return to my world, and you'll go back to your world, and we'll probably just be friendly acquaintances at best (wow I was surprisingly sane before I went completely off the rails) That's what should happen anyway...But that's not what I want (aaaand here we go)
"I need to tell you (NO YOU DON'T DUMBASS). Even if it's selfish of me to put you in a bad spot like that (IT IS), it will drive me absolutely nuts if I don't" (EH YOU'LL LITERALLY GO NUTS EITHER WAY GIRL YOU HAVE NO IDEA)
"Why does this always happen to me? Why am I always the one left behind-lost, alone, confused?"
"I wish he'd been there tonight. Hell, I wish someone was there, ANYONE who'd truly look out for me, make me feel less alone."
OMG I'm going to cry I basically just shouted out all my friends from undergrad and guess what they've been out of my life for years except my one BFF from elementary school
"San Juan, your fires may be sweet, but your night didn't end so well" (Okay so in the beginning of the journal I give a lot of pointless details, but here I'm too in my feelings and I really wish past-me had given me more to work with about what actually happened that night)
"My God, you look even better when I'm drunk"
"I wish I'd never seen you smile. It's what did me in, you know."
"I wish I could get that drunk, drunk enough to forget you. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for that. Maybe enough absinthe, but I'm still not brave enough for that." (side note: I have mentioned absinthe a few times in this journal but all I remember is when I tried it, it was super gross and nothing happened beyond normal drunken shenanigans)
"My heart leaps every time you smile and falls every time you go away. Bouncy-Heart Syndrome is bad." (I laughed for like 30 minutes straight when I read this)
"That's it. I know what I gotta do. I need to rewrite this letter sober and then give it to you so you know. (NO! You do not have to do that. It will not end well. And I guarantee you he already knew because you are not as subtle as you think you are.)
"Dear D, Well this is becoming a fucking tradition isn't it? I've written half this fucking journal for you. Pathetic, no? (Yes, it is very pathetic)
"I think I'm doing that stupid thing people do where they attempt to drink away their problems" (DING DING DING WE HAVE A WINNER!)
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Fri Sep 27, 2019 5:11 pm
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niteowl says...



#1 the last "great love of my life"

i will never love again
the way i did that summer,
like a good girl tasting wine
and getting drunk for the first time.

the way i wandered foreign streets,
lost, confused, broken,
inhaling desire and exhaling heartbreak,
every step wishing i could forget you.

no one will ever linger
on my diary pages
for years and years,
a symbol of everything i lost.

one day, perhaps,
someone will love me
in a way you never could,
the kind of love that holds hands
and kisses in the daylight
and doesn't play games.

and i will want to love them back,
but now i fear my own heart
and i will try too hard to dim
my own intensity
because i can't be
too much
too loud
too crazy.

i can't love anyone the way i loved you,
and that should be a good thing,
but then why do i miss that aching desire?

Line count: 28
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Sun Oct 06, 2019 3:20 am
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niteowl says...



Okay so this is the poem I had in mind when I put that 18+ warning on this bad boy. So yeah. Enspoilered for language and mild sexual content.

the lunch special: envy with a side of lust

Spoiler! :

we're eating lunch in dublin
with the boyfriend girls
when you get up to use the restroom.

free of the extra testosterone,
they launch into talk
of lingerie shopping
and orgasms over skype.

and i should be glad
to be free in this foreign land,
unencumbered by love an ocean away,

but i can't help but want
to have something worth missing
even though i know better
than to think anyone would want me,
that you would want me.

when you return,
my face reddens as i notice
your arms, your eyes, your smile
and i am fucked
even though you will never touch me.


Lines: 20
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Mon Oct 14, 2019 1:25 am
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niteowl says...



the first walk home

here it starts: on a beach
with the people i now wish
i had never met
(whether that includes you or not,
i haven't decided)

here it starts: with hesitant sips
of don miguel and grocery store wine,
still not understanding
how people drink this stuff.

here it starts: a walk home,
you and me, up spanish hills.
i babble, you listen,
and though we've just met,
it feels natural, safe, familiar,
all the things i do not have here.

here it starts: not with ecstasy or tears
nor secrets nor unclothed truths,
just two people breaking new ground
as we walk home in the dark.

Lines: 19
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Fri Oct 18, 2019 4:41 pm
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niteowl says...



falling upstairs

the day i turned twenty,
i learned my dog died,
and still i tried to celebrate.

an open invitation
turned into circles of classmates
and i stood alone,
because who would make room for me?

several wines later,
you led me up the stairs
from downtown to my place
and i talked about my dog.

how many times did we walk those stairs?
what did i tell you on those dark spanish nights?

i don't remember,
but i know that on one of those steps,
a piece of my heart lies
right where i left it for you.

Lines: 17
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Mon Oct 28, 2019 2:47 am
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niteowl says...



lost, like my religion

the first time i got lost,
one wrong turn took me uphill,
my legs burning with every step.

i was gasping for air
and grasping at straws
trying to call someone, anyone,
but i was met with silence
(they only spoke to laugh at me).

when the bus found me,
there were no seats left,
so i was wedged in the back,
leaning on you.

i got lost many times after that,
armed with only a map and a mission
to see every corner of this city.
i stumbled upon roman ruins,
museums about caves,
and bands playing REM.

if i could go back,
i would spend less time
trying to please the people who broke me
and wishing i could be with you
and more time getting lost.
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Mon Nov 04, 2019 3:44 am
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niteowl says...



Writing this on my phone to beat the LMS deadline so I’ll have to edit later.

gravity

I tried to love you in daylight once,
the day we went to the mountains
where there was snow in June.

I only wanted to orbit you,
but I had to stay past the asteroid belt
of people who only wanted to hurt me
(even after everything, I still hate them
In a way I could never hate you).

I left a seat open for you on the bus,
silently begging for you to take it,
but you didn’t.

In the village we ate lunch.
I dared to sit next to you
And try morcilla.
(You might taste better,
But I have no way of knowing).

On the way home,
I wished I could have stayed away
My heart frozen like a mountain, like an icy planet,
But instead I sat next to you
Because I love burning too much.

Lines: 21

(A/N: Morcilla is fried pig's blood. Spain has a weird obsession with ham and all parts of the pig. I tried it on a platter with other tapas. It...wasn't that bad, though I don't think I'd go out of my way to try it again.)
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Mon Nov 11, 2019 3:24 am
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niteowl says...



it's over now...or is it?

these days, i've been too busy living.
who has time to mope
when there's karaoke to sing
and bar trivia to win?

maybe the ache is finally gone
for good.
maybe i'm done missing you
when there was nothing to miss
in the first place.

but i've thought that before,
haven't i?

nine years is an eternity,
but in the throes of madness,
it feels like yesterday.

if i could be sane,
you might have loved me back,
but my sanity is fleeting,
so i write about you instead.

Lines: 18
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Sat Nov 16, 2019 4:43 am
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niteowl says...



burned on the beach

i never bothered to understand
why they called midsummer the noche de san juan,
just like i didn't bother to explain
why i wrote
San Juan, your fires may be sweet,
but your night didn't end so well


wikipedia can explain the first part,
the blend of catholicism and paganism
that roars in the bonfires of northern spain,
theology forgotten in the haze
of beach booze and dance music.

but there's no sources to expand
my stub of an article about june 23
except some pictures with strangers
and vague memories
of a ten foot tall fire
i could have fueled with my desire for you.

all i know for sure
is you weren't there
and i was alone.

Lines: 20

(For context, this is about the "Noche de San Juan" which is a tradition in Spain (and some other countries) where they light giant bonfires to celebrate midsummer. Since it's right after school gets out, it's essentially a huge party on the beach that is nominally related to John the Baptist's feast day. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bonfires_of_Saint_John).
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Mon Nov 25, 2019 4:59 am
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niteowl says...



Perhaps it is telling
That after years and pages
Of wanting you, needing you,
I don’t know what to say anymore.

Perhaps it means something
That I can still spend days
Spinning words and stories
That present my version of the truth.

But when the time comes
To write them down,
I am thoughtless, rushed,
Just like I was when I chased you.

You were everything I wrote for once,
But now I don’t know
If I should finally stop.
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Mon Dec 02, 2019 1:23 am
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niteowl says...



only shades of grey

storytellers aren't surveillance cameras,
and those of us who wield pens
can play the hero of our own pasts.

it would be easy for me
to stay wide-eyed and innocent
here in my own retelling.

but innocent girls
don't text at three in the morning
when you're sound asleep
in hopes that you'd be jealous
of who i was with instead.

innocent girls
don't interrupt you at the bar
where you're hanging out with your sister
as if proximity would make you want me.

and innocent girls
sure as hell don't confess
to touching your thigh
while you were sleeping on the plane
as if that doesn't make her
too much like the guy
who groped her at the club.

it would be easy to write myself
as the heroine, white as snow,
and you the villain, dark as night,
but nothing about writing this
was meant to be easy.

looking back,
you seem like a better man
for putting up with me as long as you did.

Lines: 29
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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Tue Dec 03, 2019 4:00 am
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niteowl says...



interlude: ode to the greater losses

When the days in Spain broke me,
I found myself dreaming
of familiar friends
of nights watching movies
and playing apples to apples in the study lounge
and laughing in the dining hall
until they kicked us out with "Closing Time".

On July 13th, 2010, I didn't fear losing them
the way I feared that our first goodbye
would be our last.
Their presence seemed as certain
as the campus trees shedding in October.

But people change and fight
or maybe just fade out of the picture
until they're just a vague memory,
a half-forgotten name
on journal pages and timelines.

The best part of losing your mind
(if there can be a best part)
is that you learn who will really stick around.

no one's perfect
but they deserved better
than playing second fiddle
to my obsession with you.

Lines: 24
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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