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Welcome to Night Vale



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Tue Mar 07, 2017 3:53 pm
Lumi says...



Welcome back, listeners, for an update on the mysterious portal that has opened in the studio. During our weather break, our interns had the magnificent, creative, bop-to-the-top idea to don tennis rackets to combat the mach-2 projectiles!

Hey, now...that kind of thinking could leave me wanting for a job someday. Luckily, I highly doubt they will survive the eighth male pig.

Coincidentally, due to a surplus in supplies, I'm proud to announce the Night Vale Radio Station's first annual BBQ festival this Saturday. You may be wary of eating interdimensional pork, but allow me to ask you, listeners: have you tasted the other side?
I am a forest fire and an ocean, and I will burn you just as much
as I will drown everything you have inside.
-Shinji Moon
  





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Tue Mar 07, 2017 7:57 pm
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Sheytato says...



Listeners, it's time for a heart to heart. Let's discuss on-the-road etiquette.

Make sure your highbeams are only on when you're alone on the road. We wouldn't any unsuspecting drivers being sucked into resulting wormholes, now would we? Also, make sure your baby is strapped into a booster seat snuggly. The road is a dangerous place... The death toll there is higher than anywhere else, save Aunt Clarice's house (of course). Car accidents kill almost a thousand people a week, and that's not even mentioning the lifeless figures mysteriously phasing through car doors and grabbing drivers, bringing them to some unknown dimension as they scream in mortal terror, life and other scarring things flashing before their eyes, never to be seen by loved ones again. Always buckle your child's seatbelt...

This has been on-the-road etiquette.
-=-=>[¤]<=-=-

In my eyes, all potatoes are equal.


...Except sweet potatoes.

-=-=>[¤]<=-=-

Formerly Sheyren, Sheyren, and even once I was Sheyren
  





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Sun Apr 02, 2017 12:59 am
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RavenLord says...



Listeners, there has been a breach over by the dog park. It seems.....Oh my god, Carlos has breached the fence of the dog park! He's yelling something about it having to be done....CARLOS! He's gone....His luscious hair is gone....

Listeners, I'm afraid we're going to *sniff* have to cut to a word from our sponsors....I need to compose myself.
"If you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself
Get a better mirror
Look a little closer
Stare a little longer
Because there’s something inside you
That made you keep trying
Despite everyone who told you to quit." --To This Day
  





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Tue Apr 04, 2017 12:15 am
Sheytato says...



We now cut to a short prerecorded message:

14
6
19
6
24
6

These are numbers which may seem random. They may seem random because they are. These are totally random numbers. This is an advertisement segment filled with random numbers, not an ad. Well done society.
-=-=>[¤]<=-=-

In my eyes, all potatoes are equal.


...Except sweet potatoes.

-=-=>[¤]<=-=-

Formerly Sheyren, Sheyren, and even once I was Sheyren
  





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Thu Apr 20, 2017 12:11 pm
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Gravity says...



Ladies and gentleman, an announcement from Mayor McGee from where I've buried him.

In work, obviously.

You are reminded never to approach the city limits. Not to leave, not to gawk at the faceless figures on the other side, not even to bury your latest... erm... plant. You must never attempt to leave, who would want to? Nightvale is one of the safest [static] places in the [static takes over and the voice cuts out]
And the heart is hard to translate
It has a language of its own
It talks in tongues and quiet sighs,
And prayers and proclamations

-Florence + The Machine (All This and Heaven Too)
  





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Fri Apr 21, 2017 10:32 am
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Lumi says...



Dear listeners,

It is with great remorse that I must inform you that our latest intern, Boogie Knights, did not survive the eighth male pig traveling at such great speeds. As consolation to his family members, all--obviously--family, as well as friends of Boogie will be waived the surcharge at the First Annual Studio BBQ. We look forward to seeing you there in approximately eight minutes! Why, I can hear the crowd now. I believe they--you?--are chanting, again and again: "SPEED PORK! SPEED PORK! SPEED PORK!"

As a certain scientist would attest, I'm never one to keep my fans begging.
I am a forest fire and an ocean, and I will burn you just as much
as I will drown everything you have inside.
-Shinji Moon
  





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Fri Apr 21, 2017 10:48 am
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Sheytato says...



An issue has arisen here at the radio station. The pigs which we have offered at our BBQ are flying at mach two. Now, I'm not sure about you, but I personally am unable to catch adult pigs flying straight out of a transdimenional portal travelling at mach two. This might be partially due to me not having played catch for many years, not since the spirit of my late Godfather visited me during the summers of... What was it? Strange, I can't remember the dates. If feels like, perhaps, they never happened...

Anyhow, there is a massive crowd outside demanding supersonic pigs, and we here are unable to provide said pigs.
-=-=>[¤]<=-=-

In my eyes, all potatoes are equal.


...Except sweet potatoes.

-=-=>[¤]<=-=-

Formerly Sheyren, Sheyren, and even once I was Sheyren
  





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Fri Apr 21, 2017 2:11 pm
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Feltrix says...



Yet another weather break! We seem to be having a lot of those.

Weather is nice here. Every day is a sunny day in Night Vale. We all like sunny days. I like sunny days. Let's have fun in the sun! Let's have a sun celebration! Anyway. Letting yourself get sunburned is bad. Letting yourself think too much about this message is also bad. Don't think about this message too much. I don't like to think about it. Everyone should stop trying to read between the lines, or trying to read the beginning of the sentences, actually.

This concludes the weather break. Have a lovely day.
Didn't anyone ever tell you, there's one thing you never put in a trap if you're smart? If you value your continued existence. If you have any plans about seeing tomorrow, there's one thing you never, ever put in a trap... Me.
-The 11th Doctor
  





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Sun Apr 23, 2017 10:11 pm
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Feltrix says...



There seems to have been a scheduling error. We have been informed that the weather break actually discussed weather. As you know, dear listeners, that makes no sense whatsoever. We apologize for this error.

We have received a letter! A letter from one of you, my dear listeners. This person (his name is Jacob von Gratten III) has requested that I read it aloud to you. The message is as follows: "Ahem, To anyone who sees this, if you're reading this, it's too late. The ... (some of the message has been blotted out by a large, reddish stain) have caught me. They've been keeping me he at ... for ... They're coming for me. I can hear their slithering approach. They're opening the door. Oh, no they're awful! This one's holding a AHHHGHHHGHGGGHHHHRRRAAAAAHHHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHHHHHHHHGGGGGAAAAAAARRRR OH, THE PAIN AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!" At this point, the message becomes illegible. There's too much red on it. This letter was sent from Aunt Clarice's house, in case anyone would like to respond to Jacob von Gratten III. Ah, how nice to receive fan mail!
Didn't anyone ever tell you, there's one thing you never put in a trap if you're smart? If you value your continued existence. If you have any plans about seeing tomorrow, there's one thing you never, ever put in a trap... Me.
-The 11th Doctor
  





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Wed Apr 26, 2017 2:48 am
Feltrix says...



Dear listeners, I have just been informed by the city council that the ground is fictional. Even though the ground seems real, they assured me that it was not. I saw no need to question their judgement, because why would I? The city council are wise and benevolent leaders. Also, when my secretary, Clare, questioned the fictionality of the ground, she disappeared in a puff of greenish smoke that smelled slightly of the crushing, inky blackness one smells in the depths of the ocean. She was replaced by a neon orange bluejay with green antennae in the place of eyes. The antennae of this bluejay emit pinkish sparks at random intervals. So, yes, ladies and gentlemen, the ground is fictional. The city council realized this when they got complaints from citizens who had plummeted through it and emitted the customary scream signifying that one is falling into the void. All citizens have been asked to avoid the ground until the city council can convert the ground into non-fiction ground. This shouldn't cause many problems for me, dear listeners, as I haven't left this radio station in several decades. However, if you have an uncontrollable desire to step on the ground, just remember what happened to Clare.
Didn't anyone ever tell you, there's one thing you never put in a trap if you're smart? If you value your continued existence. If you have any plans about seeing tomorrow, there's one thing you never, ever put in a trap... Me.
-The 11th Doctor
  





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Thu Apr 27, 2017 6:50 am
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AdventurerDaniel says...



Hello dear listeners, former mayor, Pamela Winchell, and current director of emergency press conference, also Pamela Winchell. Has called an emergency press conference on the matter of pigs. She would like to remind all citizens that pigs actually qualify as both a wheat and wheat byproduct. Especially pigs coming through portals at speeds judged by non-scientist radio host to be roughly Mach 2. She would like to also remind you that while oddly enough the pig in it's entirety is both somehow a wheat and wheat byproduct that pork products in and off themselves are not wheat or wheat byproducts. Ms.Winchell would like to remind us of this as all wheat and wheat byproducts are still illegal.
Especially as no one can be sure if said products will turn in to snakes or deadly ghost.

Pamela Winchell, director of emergency press conferences, would also like to remind a certain radio host that it is pizza day, and it is mandatory. Regardless of said radio host attempting to mourn a much loved intern with a barbecue for which we have the most basic of supplies. Don't forget to stop by Big Rico's as the slogan goes 'no one does a slice like Big Rico, no one.' While I preferred Panuci's before it's unfortunate burning, oddly coinciding within in weeks of the opening of Big Rico's. I admit I have a fondness for our last surviving and therefore best pizzeria in Night Vale. But, enough serious business now onto our children's fun fact science corner.
So much depends
upon
a red wheel
barrow
glazed with rain
water
beside the white
chickens.
Red Wheel Barrow by- William Carlos Williams
  





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Thu May 11, 2017 8:13 pm
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Lumi says...



Hello, dear listeners.

While detained in regards to our Mach Pork Incident, after which no one received Barbecue from the station, I believe I encountered something of great mystery and intrigue! There was a man who approached me in the detention room who had--scoff--horrid locks of horrendous regal golden hair that seemed to glow in the dimness of the dark, dank, depressing detention domain, and when he approached me, I felt the compulsion to kneel before him!

It. Was utterly. Embarrassing.

However, upon kneeling before this mysterious golden stranger, I looked up to find him kneeling before me! It was then that I cleared my throat. He cleared his. I pondered. He, perhaps, pondered as well. And, raising a finger, I said:
"I don't think this is how worship works."


But it turned out to be a hologram of Liberace, come to set me free from the DDDD. In this way, I have learned that sometimes, as long as you get to walk away, you don't have to learn a lesson at all.

Ahh, Night Vale. Here's to not learning anything at all.
I am a forest fire and an ocean, and I will burn you just as much
as I will drown everything you have inside.
-Shinji Moon
  





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Thu May 11, 2017 10:24 pm
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Sheytato says...



And now an inappropriately timed Children's Fun Fact Science Corner.

Did you know of the multidimensional bone centipedes? Some say they're hostile monsters from the abyss that kill for simple pleasure and then mold the skeleton of their victims into their own body, but we all know that isn't true. Probably. No one has actually ever researched these things. We just kinda feed the next generation worthless facts about them that could maybe be true. I think it's about time someone went and talked to one of these things. Got more info, you know? How hard can it be? Like stealing candy from a baby. If that baby had 28 legs and was made entirely of human rib cages.

This has been Children's Fun Fact Science Corner.
-=-=>[¤]<=-=-

In my eyes, all potatoes are equal.


...Except sweet potatoes.

-=-=>[¤]<=-=-

Formerly Sheyren, Sheyren, and even once I was Sheyren
  





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Fri May 12, 2017 2:17 am
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Gravity says...



Hello all,

This is Cecil here with an update from the children's fun fact corner. Fun fact: investigating and getting more information on creatures that surely don't exist is dangerous. I repeat, the best way to stay alive, or undead, is to keep your head down, ask no questions.

And do be sure to keep your head down, you can never be sure what might lurk beneath the shadows.
And the heart is hard to translate
It has a language of its own
It talks in tongues and quiet sighs,
And prayers and proclamations

-Florence + The Machine (All This and Heaven Too)
  





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Tue May 16, 2017 8:52 pm
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Lumi says...



And now, a word from our sponsors.

Do you enjoy the inconsistent and agonizing thrill of trigonometry? We at the station do or do not as much as you as well with properly matching inflection and tone. What a time to live in, when we may live beautiful--or ugly--lives--or deaths--enjoying--or disliking--trigonometry, all thanks to Tumblr, where ultimately, all thoughts are void. Yes, Tumblr. No one teaches neutrality like Tumblr. But maybe someone does. Who are we to say?
I am a forest fire and an ocean, and I will burn you just as much
as I will drown everything you have inside.
-Shinji Moon
  








The moral of Snow White is never eat apples.
— Lemony Snicket