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Hero (temporary: any ideas)



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Fri May 27, 2011 4:37 am
PandaRawr says...



Prologue

There was maybe fifteen of them. You didn't find many children on the streets of New York who cared about the earth. But those fifteen would turn into so many more. A whole world even. For now though there were only those few. And after all, they were still children. The girl in the middle, the leader, seemed only twelve or thirteen. She began to speak, and everyone was mesmerized.

“Welcome,” she said smiling. “Today you found yourselves confronted with an option. You were invited here and the choice to come or not was laid in front of you. Now, in this moment, the few of you who stand before me, are heroes. This is the start of something amazing, evolutionary, genius.” Her voiced dripped like honey into the minds of those around her. Sweet, intoxicating. It became clear on that night to those who listened that it was the girl that was evolutionary. Nations could be plunged into war by her voice. She continued on.

“You were all chosen for your previous engagement in doing something proactive for the earth,” This is where the people got comfortable. This was what they knew. The girl was right. The teenagers in the room were know for going beyond just “going green.” They were tomorrows future for a better Earth. “As you know, our home, our planet is in a dire state of decay. Slowly we are killing our hope for survival, and in turn ourselves!” She cast a sweeping glance at her audience, and something flashed in her eyes. Something scary. Most would call it madness, but her fellow peers only saw it as determination for the ultimate goal they all had in mind. Then in a softer tone she went on, her voice almost chilling in its paced slow way. “We are the future. This generation is left with a choice that you have already made. To live with the mess left behind from those before us, or to clean it up.. To use our advantages to make our world the way we want it. To save the earth from humanity. And in the bigger picture, to save humanity from itself.”

Everyone there listened and was enthralled with what was said, with their new leader. That was the beginning of the end. The end of the world we knew, of all that was natural and right and sane for the human mind. That was the beginning of the end of life.


Chapter One
June 29, 11:24 p.m.

Sammy watched from the shadows for Myra to come out. Finally it was time. At twelve tomorrow the world would once again have a hope. The secrets that had been dormant for thirteen years would be found and the world would be put back in its place. At least, she hoped. The fate of the world ,literally, was in the hands of a girl who had no clue there was anything wrong with the world to begin with. Great.

June 30 , 11:42
Everyone was at the Basket waiting for the feast to begin. When the clock struck twelve at the town center they all surged to the tables piled high with food. But as she went after them, Myra heard the voice of the Satora, their leader. Turn back....Myra looked around, shocked, to see if anyone else had heard the voice. It was Satora's voice, their leader. The one they heard when she announced something over the international intercom. But no one else seemed to have noticed. They were all smiling and focused on the food. Still, you could not ignore Satora, so Myra turned around and started walking. No one noticed her. Turn left....and Myra did.

After a series of other instructions Myra was lead to the edge of town where the suburb started. Finally there was one last command. Stop....The land around her was deserted. Everyone was at the Basket. But why would she be lead to this place, alone, without cause? Her answer came when three men stepped from the shadows of buildings around her. They were all built the same, muscled and strong. A distant memory of an emotion tugged at her mind. She believed it was fear. But there was no fear now. No reason to be scared of anything. So she wasn't.

Everyone was supposed to be polite so she was, “Hello.” She smiled at them , but they didn't smile back or reply. Her smile faltered. After it got uncomfortable, a feeling she didn't remember having before, she heard a voice. It was different than the one that had lead her here, but it had the same commanding, no-nonsense, tone.

“Myra. How have you been? You don't remember me do you? Of course not.” The confusion on her face must have showed. This meeting was odd. Not normal. “I'm Sammy.” Sammy walked closer. She seemed to be implying that Myra should know her. She had medium length black hair. She was thin and wiry but held her body with the same toughness as the men behind her. And her eyes were the eyes of someone who had not laughed in a long time. Myra had no memory of ever seeing her.

Pointing at the men from left to right she said, “That's Jack, Aaron, and Tom. You don't remember them either do you.” It was worded as a question but she made it a statement. She sighed heavily. It was filled with frustration. Myra didn't understand why she was so upset. There was no need to be.

“I don't understand. What is going on?” Myra tried to find out what was happening. “Is there som-” Sammy cut her off by abruptly taking her hand, and and searching Myra's eyes frantically for something. Frantically? There was something seriously wrong here, and Myra was really starting to experience fear. She tried to take her hand back and said, “I'm sorry I have to go.”

Sammy shook her head slowly. As if that were a sign the three men circled around Myra. They were close with there arms slightly outstretched, as if to catch her. “No Myra, I'm sorry. I no you always hated needles.” With that Sammy reached into her coat and pulled out a syringe and plunged it into Myra's arm so fast she didn't have time to react. She felt the sting as the liquid enter her body. She fell and the last thought she had was that one of the men did catch her. She was grateful. Because after that everything went black.

Myra was aware of her body before she became conscious. She couldn't seem to move anything, but wasn't sure she wanted to. Everything was throbbing with pain. Her veins even hurt as if the blood being pushed through them was too much for them to carry. She was positive this must be what drowning felt like. She felt like she was floating in her own body. That excess fluid in her systems was sending her organs afloat. And she had one of the worst headaches she had ever had. More like a migraine. The light shining through her closed lids set her eyes on fire.

She tried to remember something to distract her from the pain, but she didn't remember anything. She was sure that she had led some type of life before this but all she could remember was the pain. As if that was her whole life.

After what seemed like a lifetime she became aware of life outside herself. Slowly she registered the rhythmic ticking of a clock. But she was still in to much pain to focus on it, so she had no idea of time passing.

Fire. That became all she could think of. Fire inside consuming every part of her. It was fast and engulfed her body in what she guessed to be seconds. It was worse than the migraine, than the throbbing, but it went as quickly as it had come. After it was a refreshing sensation. Like water sweeping through her, healing her. It was like the fire and water worked together. The fire burned and destroyed everything her. Then the water re-built it all. Better than before. She still, didn't remember her life, but knew she had never felt better before.

She felt stiff. As if she hadn't moved in a long time but realized that she could move. She wouldn't get up and run a marathon, but she was okay. She decided to take it slow though, just in case. She started with opening her eyes. She sat up slowly, taking in her surroundings. The room was purple with black trim. A deep purple. There was a black work desk with a closed laptop on it. The four poster bed was colored to match the rest of the room. Black wood, purple comforter, black sheets. The room sparked something in Myra. Not a memory but a feeling. Almost a longing. But she couldn't understand why.

While she sat there absorbing this all a woman walked in carrying a tray of food. She had unruly red hair that was pulled back in a ponytail. A few wisps had escaped and curled around her face in perfect ringlets. Her pale skin was accompanied with freckles placed on her cheek bones. She was beautiful, but in a way that was innocent and child-like. Her large green eyes widened to an impossible size as she looked at Myra. Her eyes filled with tears. Quickly though, she turned her back to Myra. She took a steadying breath, but still said in a shaky breath, “Eat this.” then quickly she left.

Myra was not incompetent. Though the girls actions had made her think there was no harm intended, she would not eat food given to her by strangers. Even if she was starving. Not without answers first. So she tried to follow the girl. She stepped through the door but she was gone. She was in a hallway that went on for maybe twenty feet to each direction. To the right she could see the top of a stairway going down. The left turned off into another hallway.


She went down the hallway to the left, searching for the girl, for anyone. The house seemed to be empty, but Myra felt that there were dozens of people around. Hiding. Suddenly a door opened and a woman started to come out, but stopped when she saw Myra.

Her hair was black and pulled into a sloppy ponytail as if done in a rush. She seemed familiar, but Myra couldn't place her. She still didn't have any memory of before she woke up in the purple room.

For a moment they just looked at each other, assessing. The woman seemed to come to a decision. Her eyes turned bright, and her posture straightened.

“Myra,” she said. The sound of her voice triggered a memory. The three men, the needle, Sammy. Myra stepped back, alarm coursing through her veins bringing her fight or flight response to high alert.

Sammy must have realized what she had remembered because she stepped back too. She held up her hands as to show Myra she was no threat. “Trust me, Myra. Please. Give me one hour. I'll explain everything.” Myra wouldn't trust someone who had injected her with an unknown substance that passed her out for god knows how long. Then she remembered the familiarity with which Sammy had regarded her before. As if they had known each other for a long time. The way she had seemed genuinely sorry for sticking her with a needle. So, she decided, she would take a chance on Sammy. But she would keep her guard up.

She nodded. Sammy stepped back into the room she had come out of. Myra walked in. The room was amazing. It was obviously themed around the colors red, white, and black. The walls were white with splashes of red all around and black border. The bed frame was painted white. There was a black comforter and matching sheets set off with scarlet red pillows. A bedside table was black with white swirls and a red lamp. Even though she liked the purple room better this room held a special place in her heart. Like a friend. But a room couldn't be your friend. It was all too confusing.

“I was coming to see you,” Sammy spoke from behind her, pulling Myra back from her own mind. Myra turned around and looked at her confused. “When you were in the hall. I was on my way to see you. I should have known you wouldn't stay put. You never were one to follow orders.”

Myra was exhausted from everyone knowing more than her so she asked, “You act as if I should know you. Maybe I do. I don't remember anything before waking up here, besides you stabbing me with that needle.” Myra gave Sammy a cautious look, reminding her that she did not totally trust her yet. Sammy saw but only smiled humorlessly. Then her face turned grave.

“Wait. You don't remember anything? Nothing at all?” she asked.

“Not at all.”

Sammy just looked at Myra hard. As if trying to see into her soul.

Finally, when Sammy spoke she was more speaking to herself than anyone, “ We didn't know how the detox was going to effect you. We didn't know, but we had to do it.” Then to Myra, “How did you remember when I stuck you with the needle? Did anything trigger the memory?”

“Um. Yeah. When I first saw you. I didn't remember you but then your voice....” Myra trailed off because it was obvious that Sammy wasn't listening anymore. Sammy mumbled somethings under her breath that Myra couldn't hear.

Then Sammy said in exasperation, “Okay I was left in charge but I'm really not the brains of this operation. We'll let the smart one figure this out.” She started walking towards the door. “Come with me.”

Myra was still uneasy. “Where are we going?” she asked.

Sammy turned around and for the first time, her smile seemed to be genuine. And mischievous. “Oh to introduce you to Luke of course. Again.”

Luke was a handsome man. He was built sturdy with muscles that rippled under the white T-shirt he wore. Myra noted that the T-shirt fit him well. His arms were dark from the sun, and crisp black hair curled right over his shoulders. Myra guessed he was a scientist considering the room they were in could only be described as a lab and he was working over a beaker filled with a mysterious liquid. All this was gained from looking at his back because that was all she could see of him. He hadn't heard them walk in.

Sammy coughed low in her throat to gain his attention. When he turned around Myra was meet with green eyes that seemed to young and boyish for the grown man. As she looked at them she was lost in another memory.

Two teenagers were walking down a boardwalk holding hands. The girl had long blonde hair that was wavy and thick. She wore a white tank top and cut off shorts. The night was cool on her bare skin but she didn't mind. She was warm inside. Because she was on a date with him.

He was beautiful. He had just enough muscle without looking like the Incredible Hulk, and the perfect tan. His black hair was longer than most boys had. She liked that. That he wasn't scared to be different. That he would accept that she was different.

When he stopped walking she looked up at him and saw the most beautiful green eyes. She had to force hers closed because she thought she might kiss him, and didn't want to move to fast. He tilted her chin up, so she opened her eyes.

Then he kissed her.

Myra saw the memory as if it had always been there. And she felt it had because she claimed it. She knew that she was the girl. And that Luke, was the boy. The one she had loved.

He hadn't said a word, but had not looked away from Myra since seeing her. She looked into the eyes that had made her fall in love with him on that first date. And she remembered.

She remembered who Luke was, and she remembered who Sammy was. Her best friend. But that was all she knew. Then she started crying. She cried because she couldn't remember so much of her life. She cried for all of those lost memories. Sammy stepped closer and put a comforting arm around her. Myra clung to her.

“Why can't I remember?” She sobbed over and over. Sammy, her best friend, soothed her with comforting words. Sammy held her tight and didn't let go until she stopped. Myra fell heavily into a chair and put her head in her hands. She searched for anything that would give some insight into who she was.

“She doesn’t remember anything except me sticking her, and I'm guessing she remembers me from that breakdown just now. She said my voice made her remember me. Where are her memories Luke?” Sammy's voice was rough and Myra knew that it was from suppressed tears. Sammy never did like to cry. She looked up and Luke was still staring at her, but there was a distance in his eyes now. He was all professional.

“It seems...” he turned his back to them and gripped the edge of the table so hard his knuckles turned white. He took a breath. “It seems we are going to have to remind her. Some memories will come back on their own I'm sure but her memories are locked up. A self-preservation mechanism her subconscious made, to protect her from the traumatic effect the detox had on her mind.”

Sammy walked up to Luke and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “It's not your fault. You had no clue. And it's not like it did any damage we cant fix. Like you said, we can just remind her. At least it worked, I mean the detox was genius. No one else could have done it.”

Myra was confused, and wanted answers. She stood up and asked, “What detox? What the hell happened to me?” she loved them both but was getting frustrated that she had no clue what anyone was talking about. They both looked back at her and it even though she was staring into Luke's beautiful green eyes it was Sammy who spoke.

“Luke created it. It counteracted the AD in your system.” she spoke hesitantly, as if waiting for Myra to explode.

“What does AD stand for?” she asked when Sammy didn't go on.

“It's amiable dose. It makes you.. compliant.” Myra raised her eyebrows.

Luke gave Sammy a condescending look and said, “She can take it.” Sammy looked down and Luke continued, this time speaking to Myra, “They, the government, the one you called Satora, injected you with AD which compelled you to listen and adore her. They brainwashed you.” Myra sat back down in the chair as the memories came back. She knew.
Last edited by PandaRawr on Fri Nov 25, 2011 6:25 pm, edited 4 times in total.
When you turn to face the sun, all of the shadows fall behind you.
I used to be Writer97 but that was boring so I changed it. PandaRawr is more me.




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Fri May 27, 2011 9:00 pm
Sannah says...



I think you should put an extra line in-between each paragraph though; it is hard to tell when a paragraph begins and where it ends. Some of your sentences were a little awkward and I also feel a little emotionally detached from Myra, but for your story, that is a good thing since Myra isn't supposed to feel anything. The world you created was very interesting and I would like to learn more about it and the futuristic customs, but only mention the aspects of your world that are relevant to your plot. Overall, I like your story and I hope you plan to continue it. :)
"Raise your voice every single time they try and shut your mouth." My Chemical Romance
"I will never cease to fly if held down and I will always reach too high." Vanessa Carlton
"And rest assured, cause' dreams don't turn to dust." Owl City




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Sun May 29, 2011 10:37 am
iampaulop says...



Well uhm the first part before the part which has a date in it is interesting, strong and Solid... Thats just for me,
I didnt finish it though.

She began to speak. And everyone was mesmerized.


This sentence is not strong enough to end your paragraph. I dont know why

The teenagers in the room were known for going beyond just “going green.”


Typo? hehe..Im not a good writer but I just want to actively participate here :)
It is our choices that show what we truly are far more than our abilities

Paul Zione




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Mon May 30, 2011 10:40 am
RoryLegend says...



Hello there!

So I just read this and I think you have some great potential with this story!

Here's my biggest suggestion:

Get rid of everything that comes before this: "Myra was aware of her body before she became conscious.
I was not interested in this story until I got to that part, making the beginning obsolete." I would take out her name though because she's not supposed to remember anything about herself so obviously she wouldn't know her name. But honestly, I didn't become interested in the story until this part. I think for this type of novel you should just jump right in to the action. If you start here there is no room for confusion because you have your 1. Your character 2. the "problem" 3. The goal (I'm assuming to get her memory back/kick some ass 4. Your setting. You don't need much else in a beginning.

You have some grammatical errors, but I'm honestly very awful at grammar, and I'm sure someone else will be able to tell point them out to you. The best thing to do is read your story out loud. You'll find unnecessary commas and other things like that.

A couple other pointers:
1. Describe the scenery more
2. Describe the characters more
3. Get a little more specific with the mood of the story.

Overall I like it. If you do re-write, let me know, I'd love to read it again.

Love,
Rory
All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, and I promise you something great will come of it.

-Benjamin Mee




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Thu Jun 02, 2011 6:29 pm
Sannah says...



I am here to review again like you asked. Now I am hooked! :D I started reading the part where Myra met up with Sammay after waking up in her room. I became really interested at that point because of the memories that were surfacing, how she described them missing, and the date with Luke... I agree with RoryLegend, you might want to chop off the first part but save it in your computer somewhere. There might be some information or a sentence you really like in there you can use later. I absolutely love how you describe Myra waking up and these are my favorite sentences,
"She was positive that she had led some type of life before this but all she could remember was the pain. As if that was her whole life. After what seemed like years she became aware of life outside herself. Slowly she registered the rhythmic ticking of a clock. But she was still in to much pain to focus on it, so she had no idea of time passing."
I really want to know more about her past and her situation. And what exactly does she have to fight? Please write more! :)
"Raise your voice every single time they try and shut your mouth." My Chemical Romance
"I will never cease to fly if held down and I will always reach too high." Vanessa Carlton
"And rest assured, cause' dreams don't turn to dust." Owl City




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Fri Nov 25, 2011 7:27 pm
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xDudettex says...



Hey Writer97!

Thanks for requesting a review! I don't have much time right now, and the piece is pretty long anyway, but I'll give you some of my thoughts.

All in all, for a prologue and a first chapter, this has peaked my interest. That's great. You've got your reader wanting more, so you must be doing something right.

I like the plot you have going. It does seem a little unoriginal, having the government being the bad guys, but I like the fact that they seem to be using a girl as their mascot. It's sneaky and it makes me wonder who she is. I mean, it all sounded so positive in the prologue; fifteen teens out to save the world. But then in the first chapter we find out that that whole thing is a lie, and they are infact being mislead. It got my brain ticking, trying to work out what's going on. Why they need to drug all the teens. I mean, why's the world ending? You really have got me thinking :P

I like how it's her friends that have rescued her and are working against the bad guys. It's kinda cool, to think that they smuggled her out so she could help them stop this girl and the government. The plot thickens!

I do think you should clear up the thing with her hearing the voice near the beginning. Was it Sammy who lured her outside? If so, I'd maybe have her tell Myra that when she's explaining why they drugged her.

I have a small issue with her memories coming back so fast as well. It would be nice if her uncertainty to what's going on was spread over a few chapters, just so the pace doesn't seem to be too quick. I'd suggest keeping it as you have it now, but maybe have Myra still be a bit guarded with them. She remembers who they are but she can't remember anything else. She should be confused. Could they be the bad guys? Show her uncertainty. If I was having trouble remembering who I was, I'd be on edge around everyone and finding it hard to believe and trust what people are saying.

I don't think her suddenly remembering that she loves Luke is that great. I think it might be better if you have her experiencing some sort of pull towards him. Like, she still has the memories of walking hand in hand with him, but she doesn't know how she feels about it. She wants to believe, and seeing him does make her feel something, but I think it's too early to bring out the 'L' word.

I spotted a few mistakes in the piece, mostly where you have 'to' instead of 'too.' A good way to know which version you should use is to think, 'too' is when there's more of something or you use it instead of 'aswell'

E.g - 'He was wearing a jumper too.'

I'm pretty rubbish with explaining so, if you're still a bit iffy on the usage, then I'd check for a better definition in the dictionary.

I like the descriptions you have in the piece but I do feel you go a little bit overboard when it came to describing the second room. She's only just woken up remember, and she's probably confused about her surroundings, so I think it would be better to say that she sees a blur of red, white and blue and it looked like a bedroom, rather than listing everything in the room.

She was thin and wiry but held her body with the same toughness as the men behind her.


This part was great!

Overall, this isn't bad at all. You just have a few misplaced commas and typos, but nothing that can't be solved by a bit of proof reading.

I'm sorry I couldn't spend more time on this review, but I hope this helps!

Any questions, scribble on my wall or drop me a PM :)

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




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Sun Nov 27, 2011 10:11 am
Blues says...



Hi Panda!

I'm here - finally - as it's the weekend. I had about 6-7 reviews to I finally managed to make it here. Anyway, let's get started!

The Good bits
The light shining through her closed lids set her eyes on fire.

Totally love this description!

I loved this. I was hooked from the start - the beginning reminded me of in Twilight when it's really eerie and Victoria has her own newborn vampire sort of army. It was really cool and intrigued me! As Dudette said, the plot from here looks like it's going to be really interesting and unique :)

I also love your description in this! You've got some absolutely great description here :)

Anyway, Warm up... over!

Improvements
Typos:
Myra heard the voice of the Satora, their leader. Turn back....Myra looked around, shocked, to see if anyone else had heard the voice. It was Satora's voice, their leader.

You repeated that twice :)

%u201CNo Myra, I'm sorry. I know you always hated needles.%u201D

"Know"

%u201CIt's not your fault. You had no clue. And it's not like it did any damage we cant fix

Can't.

Other stuff:

She loved them both but was getting frustrated that she had no clue what anyone was talking about. They both looked back at her and it even though she was staring into Luke's beautiful green eyes it was Sammy who spoke.

Few issues here. I thought that she was still trying to regain her memory. How could she remember she loved them both? I also capitalised the first 'S'. The second bold doesn't make much sense.

Anyway, the other improvements. Not much really, but I do think that it'd be great if we heard some of Myra's thoughts directly. Instead of telling us, show us!

I also agree with Dudette that it'd be better if she slowly regained her memory. It'd be so much better :)
Overall

Overall, this was a great chapter. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I'd be back for more - I can tell you've worked so hard on this. There weren't many problems on this either. I just loved the whole thing, personally! :D

I'd love to be back for more!

Keep Writing!
Mac







trust your heart if the seas catch fire (and live by love though the stars walk backward)
— E.E. Cummings