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Mythological Fantasy: C1: The creation {EDITED V1}



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Sat Jun 05, 2010 3:06 pm
theboss says...



Hi all I'm Alex, I'm 19 years old and I'm writing my first book.
Like all starting writers I need comments and hints on how to go on, since I have no idea if what I got is any good at all.
So please check the attachment and comment on it :)

Edit: I've redone it a bit after the firs review.
Also Id like to know what you think of the stuff that happens, do they solve it in a good manner or could it be a bit better? Just cross the parts which you don't like. or do like.


Tranur was a prosperous city on a major trade route is best known as the capital of a the human empire. It lay near the center of the world, encircled with high, thick, white stone walls. Standing on these walls one could see clearly for many miles for no tree nor rock obscured but an inch of the view. It was this great view that was the cities greatest defense, for no army could approach undetected, nor could they seek shelter once within viewing range.
This great city was centuries old and books could be filled with the tales of its history. But this was not the way, because it want against the ancient traditions to write these stories down. They were to be passed down from generation to generation, each adding the tales of his or her lifetime.
And every twenty five years, twelve children would be chosen to be thought the history of the lands.
It was today that the first day of the chosen twelve had started, all at the age of twelve. For these children had much to learn and learning comes natural at young age.
The twelve children sat in a high roofed hall, around a central big fire that kept the building warm.
It was an uneasy time for them since they had been taken from their without notice, probably not to see their loved ones in a long time to come.

At that moment an old man. He was wise looking man wearing a long brown robe. He has close-set white eyes, this meaning that he was blind. His silky gray hair is very long, almost touching the ground, his crooked body seemed to be fully supporting on the wooden cane he was holding. The children immediately knew that this was a powerful wizard.
“I bid you a fair welcome young apprentices” the man started, “I know that this all happened very sudden, but you are the chosen ones, destined to learn and pass on our history to the next generation.” He paused and turned his attention to a sniffing boy with tear covered cheeks, short blond hair and green, watery eyes. “What’s the matter, young one?” He asked with true compassion in his voice.
“My mother was sick when I was taken from her,” the boy busted out. “She will not survive without my care!”
The old man smiled. “Do not worry my friend. The family of the chosen ones falls under the protection of the city. They get a monthly compensation and free care if needed. So you should not fear for your mother, for she shares your fortune.” He paused, “If you all take your studies seriously and I will see enough progress in the first month, I will arrange a meeting with all of your families.”
The children cheered, knowing that this was a rare proposition and that most of the chosen ones did not see their family for the first year.

The man sat down at the fire. “Well young ones, let us start with the learning.” He signed the children to move closer. “I shall start at the beginning, or rather before the beginning, This is the tale that tells the creation of our world. ” The man started telling the tale, with the children listening to him with great care, knowing that they needed to remember it.

The creation


There was a time before man and before the gods, a time even before Earth. In this time there was nothing. A vast black abyss of endless proportion where everything fell, but it did not fall down, up nor any other direction for even these did not exist. It just fell for all eternity.
This black emptiness however was a great formless entity, this entity was everything and nothing at the same time, floating in the vast endlessness of itself.
It had the power to create anything from nothing, just like your mind can create anything, static or alive and let it exist in your thoughts, we call this entity Cosmos.
And so the first things that he created were static objects, rocks varying from small to unimaginably large, which floated around in his space. After having that done Cosmos felt need for a challenge and experimented with sentient creations that could move, feel and speak at their own free will. He first created living rocks, but soon grew tired of them and went further. He wanted a more delicate creature, something not made out of cold, hard rock. It was then that he created the beings that would inhabit this world.
He formed and molded them for many of our lifetimes until he got something that suited him. This was a petite creature, delicate and frail, and yet capable of great things. Cosmos had created us, man. Cosmos was proud of these creatures and wanted to provide them with happiness and joy. But for this they would need a place to dwell. So he made his creation fall into a deep sleep, planning to only awaken it once it has a suitable dwelling place.

For for this task he created five great gods to do create a home for man.
Each of these gods was shaped differently, everyone with their own personality, strength and gifts. This way Cosmos was sure that these gods would, when in unity, be able to solve all problems, for all had a different way of thinking.
The leader of the five, Named Balor, was granted with great strength and wisdom. His brother Blot, equally wise, but lacking in strength compared to his brother. Wymar, the middle brother, was granted powers of creation. The last brother, Gwawl, mastered all physical skills. And the lone sister, Anu, granted with love and compassion.
Balor. He was the leader of the five and granted with great strength and wisdom. Next was Blot, equally wise but lacking the strength of his brother, something that he would later counterbalance with cunning and trickery. Then Wymar, the middle brother who was granted powers of creation far stronger than those of the others. After Wymar came Gwawl, given mastery of all physical skills. And at last came Anu, the lone sister, granted with the greatest love and compassion.
He also gave all of them the understanding of their powers and mission so that they would not waste time on these meaningless matters. And so they were sent out by Cosmos to start shaping the world of man.

All of the Gods had visions of how this world should look, trying to convince the others why their ideas where best. Balor and Gwawl agreed on a world made out of floating rocks and stones, held together by long ropes, thus creating a cast island system. Anu and Wymar who did not agree, envisioned a liquid world, where all men would swim like fish in the sea. And Blot did not participate, he believed that he could solve anything with his own mind. This discussion however soon resulted in a quarrel between the gods, fiercely defending their visions and pushing them upon the others.
“These men have legs to stand not fins to swim!” Balor exclaimed, “what sense would it make to let them live in a world like that?”
“It would be safer than your baneful idea,” replied Anu with an irritated voice. “How long do you think it would take for one to fall? Our world would be safe as they cannot fall.”
Blot was still silent. He gazed into infinity, hoping his siblings would stop this foolishness. It was then that he noticed the answer to their fighting, something far away. He then realized what it was and quickly addressed his brethren, “Fight no more my brothers and sister, for I have found the place where man shall dwell!” And then he quickly moved to what he had just seen.
The other gods, surprised by this sudden claim, followed Blot, forgetting their disagreements. Once they reached the object that Blot had seen they all gazed in wonder at the sheer size of this thing. It was a huge, flat rock. One of Cosmos’ old creations. They all agreed that this would be the base on which they would create the world of man. It did then not look like it does now. No, it was a barren lifeless rock when the gods found it.
They saw that this plane was large enough for all their visions and so all the gods descended to the plane and started to shape and form it according to their will.

Balor did not like the flat texture of the land so he raised it, thus creating the mountains and hills but also the valley’s, coves and cliffs. Wymar, after adjusting his vision created water, a highly mobile element, and spread it all across the plane. The water flowed into every crack, crater, cavity, dimple, gap and gash that was created by Balors raising of the lands, creating the seas, rivers, lakes and ponds. The very ones that we can still see around us.
But this new element had a great weakness, for unlike earth, being free in its movement, it quickly flowed off the plane falling into the bottomless abyss beneath the plane.
The Gods had to act fast to save Wymar’s element otherwise it would all be lost in the unending depths of Cosmos. Gwawl tried to create a great stone wall around the plane to keep the water inside, but because of its great strength it cut through the walls or simply ran over them, only postponing it’s doom.
It was Anu, who had a flash of insight on how to save the water, not by saving it but by replacing it. She used her powers to create a formless entity that could give birth to water and thus refilling that which was spilt. She put these creatures in the sky above the plane so that they could reach places otherwise unreachable for ground bound life. Being the first life on the plane these creatures were proud and short tempered, if one dared to defy them, they were able to drown them in floods or curse them with draught. These beings go by the name of clouds.
After restoring the balance of the water the Gods soon noticed yet another problem with the water. When standing still it was harmless but once flowing it would cut into the land and erode the rocks. Balor furious because of the destruction of his work wanted to smite the water out of existence but then Anu interfered, again using her gift to create life that would guard this element.
She created the Flora, strong plants of various sizes with roots that would run deep into the ground. These roots would hold the earth and prevent any from disturbing it. But unlike the clouds no wisdom was passed down to them, for Anu did not see reason to give them any. So mindlessly the plants grew and grew until they grew too long and lost their grip or snapped in two.
This is when Wymar gave the plants the gift of thirst. This would ensure that these plants would not leave the harsh borders between water and land but also the water gave them the strength to grow taller than ever before. With this becoming their primary instinct they all cluttered wherever there was water, drinking as much as their bodies could hold. The plants learned to grow only when given water for it was what gave them strength.

From the green grass to the mighty oak, they all wished to thank Anu and Wymar for their gifts and after long dispute they grew flowers and fruits, all in different shapes, sizes and hues. Anu was thrilled with this gift for it colored the lands in ways that she could never have imagined.
Unfortunately Blot and Gwawl were revolted by the appearance of Anu's children, they dominated the land where they preferred the bald beauty of the watery hills.. Blot could not comprehend how his siblings could create such horror without their consent. For it was Blot who found the plane and therefore saw himself as its foremost lord and ruler.
So the two brothers decided to free the lands of these foul creatures to in this way restore the prior beauty of the lands, which Blot found. And thus they started plotting and scheming behind the backs of the other gods.
Their first step in the salvation of the plane was the creation of a new being, a task that Gwawl took upon himself. This being was a powerful one, granted with great strength and omnipresence. This being could rise up and expose anything in its way to great forces, sweeping them with him. Even the mighty clouds where but a playball of its will. This omnipresent force, mastered in the likeliness of the great Cosmos, is called Wind.
The other Gods liked the new element for it made the world more dynamic then it had ever been. Producing waves in the water, spreading the seeds of the plants and blowing the clouds where they where needed. But what they did not know is that this new element would play a great role in the scheme of Blot and Gwawl, who had by now planned it all out.
He took on a single plant and together with Gwawl he corrupted it’s being by taking away its roots and strengthening its hunger, but not for water. No, this plant hungered for other plants. Glowing red hot with the anger and hatred of it’s being this plant was the tool that the Gods would use to free the world from the other plants. Literally fighting fire with fire.
It was then that Blot released his child onto an great forest that stood near the most southern edge of the plane. The fire was small at first but immediately started gnawing on the trunks of the trees, rapidly growing and expanding. Spreading its seeds across the trees, thus giving birth to more fire. It spread fast and devoured the all the flora that grew in its path, jumping from branch to branch yet not forgetting those on the ground, never did it feel satisfied. No, it’s hunger grew even greater making it move faster and faster. It was not long before the entire forest was overtaken by the fire, reduced to blackened stumps and ashes. Just before the fire ran out of plants to burn Gwawl summoned his wind to help spread the fire across the lands.

Noticing the blaze in a corner of the lands the three gods soon turned to investigate this odd sight. Once they had reached the place they were shocked by the destruction that was caused to the forest that once stood here. It was Anu who was shocked most by this sight and overtaken by her grief and sadness she released her tears upon the lands. These tears coming when touching the fire caused it to remember what it once was and filled it with sadness and remorse. It could not bear the deeds that it had done so it extinguished with a sad last puff. Seeing this Wymar summoned his water, mixing it with Anu’s tears. Thus turning it into a weapon to be used against the fire. With this vast quantity water mixed with tears the fire was soon overcome by the Gods, Blot only managed to save a small flame by holding it in his hands.
Balor filled with rage because of this shameless feat of destruction spoke to his two opposing brothers; Why did you destroy that which was so dear to us and your sister? He bellowed.
“For she destroyed what was beloved to me!” Blot screeched, “I found these lands so I should be the one who decides on what get’s placed here! I loved the barren lands and she polluted them with her foul creatures.”
“You had no right to attack her creations,” replied Balor in anger.
“Neither did you have the right to destroy mine!” Said Blot while extending his burnt hand. “This is my creation and it has just as much right to exist as do yours.”
“Do not oppose my Judgment!” Interrupted Balor, “Our creations in no way destroy each other, but you made yours specifically for this task. Now look at this foul thing, it even gnaws on the hand of its master. Destroy that foul thing I tell you!”
“Never!” Yelled Blot, “It is mine and I shall keep it, You have no right to deny me that!”
“As you wish,” replied Balor, now more calmly, “but as a punishment the damage this creature caused you shall be permanent. The pain shall be a good reminder of your deeds.” Having said that he left Blot turned to Anu to comfort her with her grief.

Gwawl, trying to fix his deeds, spoke to the other gods, “My brothers and sister, I am truly sorry to have caused you such pain. We cannot destroy the fire but we can put it where it shall not harm Anu’s children. I propose that my brother and I create a swelling under the lands, a place that will be untouched by Anu’s children and a place where the fires can live freely.”
The other gods looked at Gwawl and agreed to this plan, even Blot did not oppose.

Balor addressed Anu in a sad tone; “I fear that they are beyond healing, but we can ease their suffering by sending them off the plane to join with our father, the great Cosmos.” At this Anu looked up with a small smile on her tear-covered face, “Yes, that would ease their suffering,” she replied.
And so it happened that the gods placed the fallen children in the great sea, letting Wymar’s ocean carry them over the edge into the embracing arms of Cosmos. This why we send our dead onto the sea on a burning ship. For it is the only way that we are sure that the gods shall see to it that it arrives safely in Cosmos’s eternal embrace.

Meanwhile Blot and Gwawl where working hard on creating their underground realm, hidden deep beneath our feet. Filled with Blots fire, which soon after it was released, gave birth and spread across the halls they made. Safe from Wymar’s water but longing for Anu’s children. It was then that Blot swore to have his revenge for the unjust curse that his brother put upon him, looking at his scorched, burning hands, living in constant agony.
Last edited by theboss on Mon Jun 07, 2010 9:49 pm, edited 5 times in total.
  





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Sun Jun 06, 2010 2:11 am
ultraviolet says...



Here to review as requested!! :)

One thing first. Why did you put your story in quotes? It was unnecessary a kind of an eye sore. I'd suggest taking away the quote.

Red = Corrections
Blue = Things I like
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theboss wrote:Hi all I'm Alex, I'm 19 years old and I'm writing my first book.
Like all starting writers I need comments and hints on how to go on, since I have no idea if what I got is any good at all.
So please check the attachment and comment on it :)

Edit: apparently I can't attach it..
so here it is again:

There was a time before man and before the Gods "God" is only capitalized when it is talking of God the Father because then it is a name, therefore a proper noun. The way you use it throughout this is incorrect as calling them gods is not indicating their names. Wow... I phrased that horribly.... , a time even before Earth. In this time there was nothing. A vast black abyss of endless proportion where everything fell, but it did not fall down, up, nor any other direction for even these did not exist. It just fell for all eternity.

I like this line. Also, put a line between paragraphs. It's easier to read.

This black emptiness however was a great formless entity, this entity was everything and nothing at the same time, floating in the vast endlessness of itsself. Itself. Typo, easily fixed.
It had the power to create anything from nothing, just like your mind can create anything, static or alive, and let it exist in your thoughts, we call this entity Cosmos. You should separate this into two sentences.
And so the first things that he created were static objects, rocks varying from small to unimaginably large, floating around in his space. This would be much better, and flow better, if you phrased it "which flowed" instead of "flowing" because I had to stop and realize what you were saying, which drew me out of this piece, which is never a good sign. After having that done, Cosmos felt need for a challenge and experimented with sentient creations that could move, feel and speak at their own free will. He first created living rocks, but soon grew tired of them and went further. He wanted a more delicate creature, something not made out of rock. It was then that he created the beings that would inhabit this world.
He formed and molded the them for many of our lifetimes until he got something that suited him. This was a petite creature, delicate and frail, and yet capable of great things. Cosmos had created us, man. Cosmos was proud of these creatures and wanted to provide them with happiness and joy. But for this they would need a place to dwell. So he made his creation fall into a deep sleep, planning to only awaken it once it has a suitable dwelling place.

And for this task he created five great gods Again, no need to capitalize considering it is not a proper noun. to do create a home for man.
Each of these gods was shaped differently, everyone with their own personality, strength and gifts. This way Cosmos was sure that these gods would, when in unity, be able to solve all problems, for all had a different way of thinking.
The first god that he created was named Balor. He was the leader of the five and granted with great strength and wisdom. Next was Blot, equally wise but lacking the strength of his brother, something that he would later counterbalance with cunning and trickery. Then Wymar, the middle brother who was granted powers of creation far stronger than those of the others. After Wymar came Gwawl, given mastery of all physical skills. And at last came Anu, the lone sister, granted with the greatest love and compassion.
He also gave all of them the understanding of their powers and mission so that they would not waste time on these meaningless matters. And so they were sent out by Cosmos to start shaping the world of man.

All of the Gods had visions of how this world should look, trying to convince the others why their ideas where best. Balor and Gwawl agreed on a world made out of floating rocks and stones, held together by long ropes, thus creating a cast island system. Anu and Wymar, who did not agree, envisioned a liquid world, I think this version of the sentence flows better. where all men would swim like fish in the sea. And Blot did not participate; he believed that he could solve anything with his own mind. This discussion, however, soon resulted in a quarrel between the gods, fiercely defending their visions and pushing them upon the others.
“These men have legs to stand, not fins to swim!” Balor exclaimed, “what sense would it make to let them live in a world like that?”
“It would be safer than your baneful idea,” replied Anu with an irritated voice, “How long do you think it would take for one to fall? Our world would be safe as they cannot fall.”
Blot still was silent and gazed into infinity, hoping that his brethren would soon stop this foolishness. It was then that he noticed something far away. He then realized what it was and quickly addressed his brethren, “Fight no more my brothers and sister, for I have found the place where man shall dwell!” And then he quickly moved to what he had just seen.
The other gods, surprised by this sudden claim, followed Blot, forgetting their disagreements. Once they reached the object that Blot had seen they all gazed in wonder at the sheer size of this thing. It was a huge, flat rock. One of Cosmos’ old creations. They all agreed that this would be the base on which they would create the world of man. It did then not look like it does now. No, it was a barren lifeless rock when the gods found it.
They saw that this plane was large enough for all their visions and so all the gods descended to the plane and started to shape and form it according to their will.

Balor did not like the flat texture of the land so he raised the land, You're repeating land. It might sound better if you did it, "he raised it" instead. this creating the mountains and hills but also the valley’s, coves and cliffs. Wymar, after adjusting his vision, created water, a highly mobile element, and spread it all across the plane. The water flowed into every crack, crater, cavity, dimple, gap and gash that was created by Balors raising of the lands, creating the seas, rivers, lakes and ponds. The very ones that we can still see around us.
But this new element had a great weakness, for unlike earth, being free in its movement, it quickly flowed off the plane, falling into the bottomless abyss beneath the plane.
The Gods had to act fast to save Wymar’s element, otherwise it would all be lost in the unending depths of Cosmos. Gwawl tried to create a great stone wall around the plane to keep the water inside, but, because of its great strength, it cut through the walls or simply ran over them, only postponing it’s doom.
It was then Anu who had a flash of insight on how to save the water, not by saving it, but by replacing it. She used her powers to create a formless entity that could give birth to water and thus refilling that which was spilt. She put these creatures in the sky above the plane so that they could reach places otherwise unreachable for ground bound life. Being the first life on the plane, these creatures were proud and short tempered. If one dared to defy them, they were able to drown them in floods or curse them with draught. These beings go by the name of clouds.
After restoring the balance of the water, the gods soon noticed yet another problem with the water. When standing still it was harmless but once flowing it would cut into the land and erode the rocks. Balor, furious because of the destruction of his work, wanted to smite the water out of existence, but then Anu interfered and again used her gift to create life that would guard this element. She created the Flora, strong plants of various sizes with roots that would run deep into the ground. These roots would hold the earth and prevent any from disturbing it. But unlike the clouds, no wisdom was passed down to them. So, mindlessly the plants grew and grew until they grew too long and lost their grip or snapped in two. This is when Wymar gave the plants the gift of thirst. This would ensure that these plants would not leave the harsh borders between water and land but also the water gave them the strength to grow taller than ever before. With this becoming their primary instinct, they all cluttered wherever there was water, drinking as much as their bodies could hold. The plants learned to grow only when given water for it was what gave them strength.

From the green grass to the mighty oak, they all wished to thank Anu and Wymar for their gifts and after long dispute they grew flowers and fruits, all in different shapes, sizes, and hues. Anu was thrilled with this gift for it colored the lands in ways that she could never have imagined.
But, unfortunately, not all gods took a liking to the children of Anu and them dominating the lands. Blot and Gwawl where revolted by their appearance; they preferred the bald beauty of the watery hills. Blot could not comprehend how his siblings could create such horror without their consent. For it was Blot who found the plane and therefore saw himself as its foremost lord and ruler.
So the two brothers decided to free the lands of these foul creatures and so restore the prior beauty of the lands he found and so started plotting and scheming behind the backs of the other Gods. This is a very long sentence, but I couldn't find a way to divide it with commas. Also, you used the word "so" three times, which is two too many. I suggest you simply shorten the sentence and kick out some "so"s.
Their first step in the salvation of the plane was the creation of a new being, a task that Gwawl took upon himself. This being was a powerful one, granted with great strength and omnipresence. This being could rise up and expose anything in its way to great forces, sweeping them with him. Even the mighty clouds where but a playball of its will. This omnipresent force, mastered in the likeliness of the great Cosmos, is called Wind.
The other gods liked the new element for it made the world more dynamic then it had ever been. Producing waves in the water, spreading the seeds of the plants and blowing the clouds where they where needed. But what they did not know is that this new element would play a great role in the scheme of Blot and Gwawl, who had but now planned it all out. This is phrased awkwardly. Maybe turn it into something like, "who now had it all planned out."
He took on a single plant and together with Gwawl he corrupted it’s being by taking away its roots and strengthening its hunger, but not for water. No, this plant hungered for other plants. Glowing red hot with the anger and hatred of it’s being, this plant was the tool that the Gods would use to free the world from the other plants. Literally fighting fire with fire.
It was then that Blot released his child onto an great forest that stood near the most southern edge of the plane. The fire was small at first but immediately started gnawing on the trunks of the trees, rapidly growing and expanding. Spreading its seeds across the trees, thus giving birth to more fire. It spread fast and devoured the all the flora that grew in its path, jumping from branch to branch yet not forgetting those on the ground, never did it feel satisfied. No, it’s huger grew even greater making it move faster and faster. It was not long before the entire forest was overtaken by the fire, reduced to blackened stumps and ashes. Just before the fire ran out of plants to burn, Gwawl summoned his wind to help spread the fire across the lands.

Noticing the blaze in a corner of the lands, the three gods soon turned to investigate this odd sight. Once they had reached the place, they were shocked by the destruction that was caused to the forest that once stood here. It was Anu who was shocked most by this sight and, overtaken by her grief and sadness, she released her tears upon the lands. These tears coming when touching the fire caused it to remember what it once was and filled it with sadness and remorse. It could not bear the deeds that it had done so it extinguished with a sad last puff. Seeing this, Wymar summoned his water, mixing it with Anu’s tears. Thus turning it into a weapon to be used against the fire. With this vast quantity water mixed with tears the fire was soon overcome by the Gods, Blot only managed to save a small flame by holding it in his hands.
Balor, filled with rage because of this shameless feat of destruction, spoke to his two opposing brothers; "Why did you destroy that which was so dear to us and your sister?" He bellowed.
“For she destroyed what was beloved to me!” He You should put Blot--that is who is speaking, right?--'s name there instead. I got kind of confused at this point and I'm guessing others did too. screeched, “I found these lands so I should be the one who decides on what get’s placed here! I loved the barren lands and she polluted them with her foul creatures.”
“You had no right to attack her creations,” replied Balor in anger.
“Neither did you have the right to destroy mine!” Said Blot while extending his burnt hand. “This is my creation and it has just as much right to exist as do yours.”
“Do not oppose my Judgment!” Interrupted Balor, “Our creations in no way destroy each other, but you made yours specifically for this task. Now look at this foul thing, it even gnaws on the hand of its master. Destroy that foul thing I tell you!”
“Never!” Yelled Blot, “It is mine and I shall keep it. You have no right to deny me that!”
“As you wish,” replied Balor, now more calmly, “but as a punishment the damage this creature caused you shall be permanent. The pain shall be a good reminder of your deeds.” Having said that he left Blot turned to Anu to comfort her with her grief.

Gwawl, trying to fix his deeds, spoke to the other gods, “My brothers and sister, I am truly sorry to have caused you such pain. We cannot destroy the fire but we can put it where it shall not harm Anu’s children. I propose that my brother and I create a swelling under the lands, a place that will be untouched by Anu’s children and a place where the fires can live freely.”
The other gods looked at Gwawl and agreed to this plan; even Blot did not oppose.
Balor addressed Anu in a sad tone; “I fear that they are beyond healing, but we can ease their suffering by sending them off the plane to join with our father, the great Cosmos.” At this Anu looked up with a small smile on her tear-covered face, “Yes, that would ease their suffering,” she replied.
And so it happened that the gods placed the fallen children in the great sea, letting Wymar’s ocean carry them over the edge into the embracing arms of Cosmos. This why we send our dead onto the sea on a burning ship. For it is the only way that we are sure that the gods shall see to it that it arrives safely in Cosmos’s eternal embrace.

Meanwhile, Blot and Gwawl where working hard on creating their underground realm, hidden deep beneath our feet. Filled with Blots fire which gave birth and spread across the halls they made, safe from Wymar’s water but longing for Anu’s children. It was then that Blot swore to have his revenge for the unjust curse that his brother put upon him, looking at his scorched, burning hands, living in constant agony.


Grammar

OK, so obviously you like long windy sentences. This, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. But for a lot of it there were few, or no, commas, which is a very bad thing. I believe I got most of that corrected, but, really, it would be better if you simply shortened most of the sentences. Not all of them--we wouldn't want this too dull, now would we? Also, since it is not a name, when you write "god" it shouldn't be capitalized.

Layout

There is really no need to put your story in quotes. Also, you should make a line between each paragraph.

Overall

I really like this. The whole idea of five gods creating the world together, though they often don't get along, is rather intriguing, though you have to be careful to not make it cliched. Fantasy is a very hard genre not to make cliched, I know. It seems all the good ideas have already been done. But so far I'm liking this, especially your descriptions of the things like clouds and fire. Good job. :)

loveness, ultraviolet
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com
  





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Sun Jun 06, 2010 8:31 am
Cirque says...



Hello, I'm Cirque and upon request, I am here to review your peice of work. I would just like to state that I'm new and if I do anything that seems at the least confusing, i'll be happy to fix it for you.

Bold: Words that are not needed.
Red: Punctuation and Spelling Errors.
Green: General Statement.
Blue: Replacement of words.

There was a time before man, and a commar seems more appropriate here. Saying "and" just deminors the meaning you are trying to portray.before the gods,as Ultra had said before, there should be a little 'G' instead of a capital as you are not referring to "God". a time even before Earth. In this time - there was nothing. A vast black abyss of endless proportion where everything fell. but The abyss it did not fall down, up nor any other direction; for even these did not exist. It just fell for all eternity.

This black emptiness however was a great formless entity , this entity whichwas everything and nothing at the same time - floating in the vast endlessness of itself.
It had the power to create anything from nothing, just like your mind can create anything. Static or alive, and let it exist in your thoughts. We call this entity Cosmos.
And so The first things that he created were was static objects. Rocks varying from small to unimaginably large, floating around in his space. After having that done, Cosmos felt need for a challenge and experimented with sentient creations that could move, feel and speak at their own free will.

He first created living rocks. But soon grew tired of them and went further, he wanted a more delicate creature, something not made out of rock. It was then that he created the beings that would inhabit this world. What do you mean by here. Rocks that could talk? Or are you just repeating yourself because you stated that he was going make something else then a rock.
He formed and molded the them for many of our lifetimes until he got something that suited him. This was a petite creature, delicate and frail, and yet capable of great things. Cosmos had created us; man. Cosmos was proud of these creatures wanted to provide them with happiness and joy. But for this they would need a place to dwell, so he made his creation fall into a deep sleep, planning to only awaken it them once it he had a suitable dwelling place for them.

And for this task he created five great gods to do create a home for man.
Each of these gods was shaped differently, everyone with their own personality, strength and gifts. This way Cosmos was sure that these gods would, when in unity, be able to solve all problems, for all had a different way of thinking.

The first god that he created was named Balor, he was the leader of the five and granted with great strength and wisdom. Next was Blot, equally wise but lacking the strength of his brother, something that he would later counterbalance with cunning and trickery. Then Wymar, the middle brother who was granted powers of creation far stronger than those of the others. After Wymar came Gwawl, given mastery of all physical skills. And at last came Anu, the lone sister, granted with the greatest love and compassion.
He also gave all of them the understanding of their powers and mission so that they would not waste theirtime on these meaningless matters. And so they were sent out by Cosmos to start shaping the world of man.

All of the gods had visions of how this world should look, trying to convince the others why their ideas where best. Balor and Gwawl agreed on a world made out of floating rocks and stones, held together by long ropes, thus creating a cast island system. Anu and Wymar did not agree and envisioned a liquid world, where all men would swim like fish in the sea. And Blot did not participate, he believed that he could solve anything with his own mind. This discussion however soon resulted in a quarrel between the gods, fiercely defending their visions and pushing them upon the others.

“These men have legs to stand not fins to swim!” Balor exclaimed.What sence would it make to let them live in a world like that?”
“It would be safer than your baneful idea,” replied Anu with an irritated voice.How long do you think it would take for one to fall? Our world would be safe as they cannot fall.”
Blot still was silent and gazed into infinity, hoping that his brethren would soon stop this foolishness. It was then that he noticed something far away. He then realized what it was and quickly addressed his brethren, “Fight no more my brothers and sister, for I have found the place where man shall dwell!” And then he quickly moved to what he had just seen.

The other gods, surprised by this sudden claim, followed Blot forgetting their disagreements. Once they reached the object that Blot had seen they all gazed in wonder at the sheer size of this thing. It was a huge, flat rock. One of Cosmos’ old creations. They all agreed that this would be the base on which they would create the world of man. It did then not look like it does now. No, it was a barren lifeless rock when the Gods found it.
They saw that this plane was large enough for all their visions and so all the gods descended to the plane and started to shape and form it according to their will.

Balor did not like the flat texture of the land so he raised the land, this creating the mountains and hills but also the valley’s, coves and cliffs. Wymar, after adjusting his vision created water, a highly mobile element, and spread it all across the plane, the water flowed into every crack, crater, cavity, dimple, gap and gash that was created by Balors raising of the lands, creating the seas, rivers, lakes and ponds. The very ones that we can still see around us.

But this new element had a great weakness, for unlike Earth, being free in its movement, it quickly flowed off the plane falling into the bottomless abyss beneath the plane.
The Gods had to act fast to save Wymar’s element otherwise it would all be lost in the unending depths of Cosmos. Gwawl tried to create a great stone wall around the plane to keep the water inside, but because of its great strength it cut through the walls or simply ran over them, only proponing it’s doom.
It was then Anu who had a flash of insight on how to save the water, not by saving it but by replacing it. She used her powers to create a formless entity that could give birth to water and thus refilling that which was spilt. She put these creatures in the sky above the plane so that they could reach places otherwise unreachable for ground bound life. Being the first life on the plane these creatures were proud and short tempered, if one dared to defy them, they were able to drown them in floods or curse them with draught. These beings go by the name of clouds.

After restoring the balance of the water the gods soon noticed yet another problem with the water. When standing still it was harmless but once flowing it would cut into the land and erode the rocks. Balor furious because of the destruction of his work wanted to smite the water out of existence but then Anu interfered and again used her gift to create life that would guard this element. She created the Flora, strong plants of various sizes with roots that would run deep into the ground. These roots would hold the earth and prevent any from disturbing it. But unlike the clouds no wisdom was passed down to them. So mindlessly the plants grew and grew until they grew too long and lost their grip or snapped in two. This is when Wymar gave the plants the gift of thirst. This would ensure that these plants would not leave the harsh borders between water and land but also the water gave them the strength to grow taller than ever before. With this becoming their primary instinct they all cluttered wherever there was water, drinking as much as their bodies could hold. The plants learnt to grow only when given water for it was what gave them strength.

From the green grass to the mighty oak, they all wished to thank Anu and Wymar for their gifts and after long dispute they grew flowers and fruits, all in different shapes, sizes and hues. Anu was thrilled with this gift for it colored the lands in ways that she could never have imagined.
But unfortunately not all gods took a liking to the children of Anu and them dominating the lands. Blot and Gwawl where revolted by their appearance, they preferred the bald beauty of the watery hills. Blot could not comprehend how his siblings could create such horror without their consent. For it was Blot who found the plane and therefore saw himself as its foremost lord and ruler.
So the two brothers decided to free the lands of these foul creatures and so restore the prior beauty of the lands he found and so started plotting and scheming behind the backs of the other gods.

Their first step in the salvation of the plane was the creation of a new being, a task that Gwawl took upon himself. This being was a powerful one, granted with great strength and omnipresence. This being could rise up and expose anything in its way to great forces, sweeping them with him. Even the mighty clouds where but a playball of its will. This omnipresent force, mastered in the likeliness of the great Cosmos, is called Wind.
The other Gods liked the new element for it made the world more dynamic then it had ever been. Producing waves in the water, spreading the seeds of the plants and blowing the clouds where they where needed. But what they did not know is that this new element would play a great role in the scheme of Blot and Gwawl, who had but now planned it all out.
He took on a single plant and together with Gwawl he corrupted it’s being by taking away its roots and strengthening its hunger, but not for water. No, this plant hungered for other plants. Glowing red hot with the anger and hatred of it’s being this plant was the tool that the gods would use to free the world from the other plants. Literally fighting fire with fire.

It was then that Blot released his child onto an great forest that stood near the most southern edge of the plane, the fire was small at first but immediately started gnawing on the trunks of the trees, rapidly growing and expanding. Spreading its seeds across the trees, thus giving birth to more fire. It spread fast and devoured the all the flora that grew in its path, jumping from branch to branch yet not forgetting those on the ground, never did it feel satisfied. No, it’s huger grew even greater making it move faster and faster. It was not long before the entire forest was overtaken by the fire, reduced to blackened stumps and ashes. Just before the fire ran out of plants to burn Gwawl summoned his wind to help spread the fire across the lands.

Noticing the blaze in a corner of the lands the three gods soon turned to investigate this odd sight. Once they had reached the place they were shocked by the destruction that was caused to the forest that once stood here. It was Anu who was shocked most by this sight and overtaken by her grief and sadness she released her tears upon the lands. These tears coming when touching the fire caused it to remember what it once was and filled it with sadness and remorse. It could not bear the deeds that it had done so it extinguished with a sad last puff. Seeing this Wymar summoned his water, mixing it with Anu’s tears. Thus turning it into a weapon to be used against the fire. With this vast quantity water mixed with tears the fire was soon overcome by the Gods, Blot only managed to save a small flame by holding it in his hands.
Balor filled with rage because of this shameless feat of destruction spoke to his two opposing brothers; Why did you destroy that which was so dear to us and your sister? He bellowed.

“For she destroyed what was beloved to me!” He screeched. “I found these lands so I should be the one who decides on what get’s placed here! I loved the barren lands and she polluted them with her foul creatures.”
“You had no right to attack her creations,” replied Balor in anger.
“Neither did you have the right to destroy mine!” Said Blot while extending his burnt hand. “This is my creation and it has just as much right to exist as do yours.”
“Do not oppose my Judgment!” Interrupted Balor, “Our creation in no way destroy each other, but you made yours specifically for this task. Now look at this foul thing, it even gnaws on the hand of its master, destroy that foul thing I tell you!”
“Never!” Yelled Blot, “It is mine and I shall keep it, you have no right to deny me that!”
“As you wish,” replied Balor, now more calmly, “but as a punishment the damage this creature caused you shall be permanent. The pain shall be a good reminder of your deeds.” Having said that he left Blot turned to Anu to comfort her with her grief.

Gwawl, trying to fix his deeds, spoke to the other gods, “My brothers and sister, I am truly sorry to have caused you such pain. We cannot destroy the fire but we can put it where it shall not harm Anu’s children. I propose that my brother and I create a swelling under the lands, a place that will be untouched by Anu’s children and a place where the fires can live freely.”
The other Gods looked at Gwawl and agreed to this plan, even Blot did not oppose.
Balor addressed Anu in a sad tone; “I fear that they are beyond healing, but we can ease their suffering by sending them off the plane to join with our father, the great Cosmos.” At this Anu looked up with a small smile on her tear-covered face, “Yes, that would ease their suffering,” she replied.
And so it happened that the gods placed the fallen children in the great sea, letting Wymar’s ocean carry them over the edge into the embracing arms of Cosmos. This why we send our dead onto the sea on a burning ship. For it is the only way that we are sure that the Gods shall see to it that it arrives safely in Cosmos’s eternal embrace.

Meanwhile Blot and Gwawl where working hard on creating their underground realm, hidden deep beneath our feet. Filled with Blots fire which gave birth and spread across the halls they made, safe from Wymar’s water but longing for Anu’s children. It was then that Blot swore to have his revenge for the unjust curse that his brother put upon him, looking at his scorched, burning hands, living in constant agony.


Grammar/Spelling: Your use of commas was, well; strong. Instead of using full stops you spent on an on with one sentence draining any importance out of them.
This sentence is an example;

Wymar, after adjusting his vision created water, a highly mobile element, and spread it all across the plane, the water flowed into every crack, crater, cavity, dimple, gap and gash that was created by Balors raising of the lands, creating the seas, rivers, lakes and ponds.


As you can see there is but one full stop through this whole sentence. You could've easily brought this down to at least three. I also discovered that you placed words together and conjoined them into one. I went through and edited them apart, though I would recommend that you go through your own copy and sought them out.

Characters:Blot, Cosmos etc were all great characters that I enjoyed reading about. I thought the ideas to bring out their individuality was strong and well planned. Blot was one who I felt was more "human" then the others. He seemed more alive then the other characters and had more of a tale to spin. I would recommend you do that for the rest of your characters because they seem slightly cliche. It is just a suggestion for they were great characters though Blot out held them all. His character was what I found worth reading.

Overview: I thought that it was interesting, and though this kind of thing involving God's and Goddesses bore me, I found that this was different. Through your test I found that you used run on sentences, and this really brings down the quality of any piece. I would recommend that you read over your work thoroughly before you post so that as a reviewer I can really focus on the depth of what you are trying to converse.

I found that you really thought about it, and everything seemed to fit into place like a giant puzzle. It was either that or a lucky fluke. :wink: I really enjoyed this and would love to see other installments that come through.

Good luck with your writing;
~Cirque


:arrow: I'm sorry, though I'm rather stretched for time today and won't be over to full go over the corrections made by Ultra. Though, I did read over it and I found that it made sense. A few things that I recommended above are still needed to really draw this together. I'm sorry I cannot be of any other assistance.
Last edited by Cirque on Sun Jun 06, 2010 10:18 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Sun Jun 06, 2010 9:31 am
theboss says...



Cirque wrote:**Not finished.

Terribly sorry for the inconvenience but i've updated it just now. :?

Mostly the stuff that Ultra pointed out so it shouldn't pose such a problem though.
  





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Sun Jun 06, 2010 10:22 am
Rydia says...



Hullo again! Okay so I'll start with a few comments and then try to give you some overall guidance:

There was a time before man and before the gods, a time even before Earth.
This seems a curious way to order them. It suggests that the gods came after the Earth, was that your intention?

This black emptiness however was a great formless entity, this entity was everything and nothing at the same time, floating in the vast endlessness of itself.
It had the power to create anything from nothing, just like your mind can create anything, static or alive and let it exist in your thoughts, [I'd suggest a full stop here.] we call this entity Cosmos.


And for this task he created five great gods to do go create a home for man.


Each of these gods was shaped differently, everyone every one with their own personality, strength and gifts. This way Cosmos was sure that these gods would, when in unity, be able to solve all problems, for all had a different way of thinking.


But unfortunately not all Gods took a liking to the children of Anu and them dominating the lands, Blot and Gwawl where were revolted by their appearance, they preferred the bald beauty of the watery hills. Blot could not comprehend how his siblings could create such horror without their consent. For it was Blot who found the plane and therefore saw himself as its foremost lord and ruler.


Their first step in the salvation of the plane was the creation of a new being, a task that Gwawl took upon himself. This being was a powerful one, granted with great strength and omnipresence. This being could rise up and expose anything in its way to great forces, sweeping them with him. Even the mighty clouds where were but a playball of its will. This omnipresent force, mastered in the likeliness of the great Cosmos, is called Wind.


The other Gods liked the new element for it made the world more dynamic then it had ever been. Producing waves in the water, spreading the seeds of the plants and blowing the clouds where they where were needed. But what they did not know is that this new element would play a great role in the scheme of Blot and Gwawl, who had by now planned it all out.


He took on a single plant and together with Gwawl he corrupted it’s its being by taking away its roots and strengthening its hunger, but not for water. No, this plant hungered for other plants. Glowing red hot with the anger and hatred of it’s its [Its doesn't require the apostrophe of belonging so it's will always be taken to mean it is.] being this plant was the tool that the Gods would use to free the world from the other plants. Literally fighting fire with fire.


It was then that Blot released his child onto an a great forest that stood near the most southern edge of the plane. The fire was small at first but immediately started gnawing on the trunks of the trees, rapidly growing and expanding. Spreading its seeds across the trees, thus giving birth to more fire. It spread fast and devoured the all the flora that grew in its path, jumping from branch to branch yet not forgetting those on the ground, never did it feel satisfied. No, it’s hunger grew even greater making it move faster and faster. It was not long before the entire forest was overtaken by the fire, reduced to blackened stumps and ashes. Just before the fire ran out of plants to burn Gwawl summoned his wind to help spread the fire across the lands.


“For she destroyed what was beloved to me!” Blot screeched, “I found these lands so I should be the one who decides on what get’s gets placed here! I loved the barren lands and she polluted them with her foul creatures.”


And so it happened that the gods placed the fallen children in the great sea, letting Wymar’s ocean carry them over the edge into the embracing arms of Cosmos. This is why we send our dead onto the sea on a burning ship. For it is the only way that we are sure that the gods shall see to it that it arrives safely in Cosmos’s eternal embrace.


Meanwhile Blot and Gwawl where working hard on creating their underground realm, hidden deep beneath our feet. Filled with Blot's fire, which soon after it was released, gave birth and spread across the halls they made. Safe from Wymar’s water but longing for Anu’s children. It was then that Blot swore to have his revenge for the unjust curse that his brother put upon him, looking at his scorched, burning hands, living in constant agony.


Structure

Your long sentences and explanations made this slightly tedious. I enjoyed it overall - the imagination and plot are wonderful - but I felt frustrated by it at times. Maybe you could include a little more dialogue and make the action sequence stronger. Your characters are gods but I want to be able to feel for them and be able to seperate each distinctly in my mind. More conversation would help with that.

Plot

I'm not sure where you're going with this but I'm intrigued. I'm guessing you're doing a David Eddings sort of thing but setting the world and Gods up in advance. I like it. I think you could perhaps go a little deeper into what seperates all the gods but it's good. I'm intrigued to see if you switch to having human heroes like I'm expecting or if you flip the tables and carry on with just the gods. I'm not sure how that would work though...

Description

You're a little vague or long-winded at times so maybe spice it up a bit. Like with the clouds. I think that was too lengthy, I knew what you was describing very quickly which is good but the rest of the description then seemed unnecessary. Also, you seem to concentrate solely on sight with maybe a little touch thrown in. Remember that there are five senses, not two. There are smells in the world as well and taste and sound. Maybe the wind was originally made invisible and without scent to avoid detection so that it might catch creatures unaware to destroy them. Then one of the other gods could have made it carry the sounds and scents of everything it passes and given it the howling sound so that the animals might have warning?


Other than that, good stuff. You've got an interesting style and if you can make your writing match your imagination, it will be even better. Feel free to get in touch if you have questions or further requests,

Heather xx
Writing Gooder

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Mon Jun 07, 2010 3:38 am
canislupis says...



Hi!

Here is your requested review. :) Sorry this took so long. I've been busy.

Now, I think the nitpicks have been taken care of. So.

Overall impressions:

Good:

I like this. It's unique, and I like the way everything ties together. It feels very genuine as well. I like the characters, and I like the fact that you seem to have proof-read it fairly well. ;)

Not-so-good:

Frankly? It's a bit boring for me, especially considering the fact that this is the first chapter to a novel. I'd prefer it if you started off with the characters, and saved sprawling mythologies for later.

This is just my opinion though, so take it or leave it. ;) I'd suggest either a) drastically shortening or symplifying this or b) moving it to later in the story.

For example, sometimes you got very long-winded. (Like when describing the clouds. I love that idea, but I got it really quickly, and it seemed to drag on longer than it had to.

I may change my mind later on in the story when I see how this fits in with the rest of it.

Also, characters--I think you have a bit too many at the moment. It got a bit cofusing at times, to be honest. Maybe try making them a bit more distinct?

I'm out of time, so I have to go. Sorry this wasn't more in-depth. Hope it helps at least a tiny bit. ;)

Lupis
  





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Mon Jun 07, 2010 8:55 pm
ArahniaSiddel says...



theboss wrote:
The creation

There was a time before man and before the gods, a time even before Earth. In this time there was nothing. A vast black abyss of endless proportion where everything fell, but it did not fall down, up nor any other direction for even these did not exist. It just fell for all eternity. I really want to read more already. Good work!
This black emptiness however was a great formless entity, this entity was everything and nothing at the same time, floating in the vast endlessness of itself.
It had the power to create anything from nothing, just like your mind can create anything, static or alive and let it exist in your thoughts, we call this entity Cosmos.
And so the first things that he created were static objects, rocks varying from small to unimaginably large, which floated around in his space. After having that done Cosmos felt need for a challenge and experimented with sentient creations that could move, feel and speak at their own free will. He first created living rocks, but soon grew tired of them and went further. He wanted a more delicate creature, something not made out of cold, hard rock. It was then that he created the beings that would inhabit this world.
He formed and molded the them The them? This should be just them. for many of our lifetimes until he got something that suited him. This was a petite creature, delicate and frail, and yet capable of great things. Cosmos had created us, man. Cosmos was proud of these creatures and wanted to provide them with happiness and joy. But , for this they would need a place to dwell. So, he made his creation fall into a deep sleep, planning to only awaken it once it has a suitable dwelling place. I love how you give this thing feeling! I can actually relate to him for some weird reason.

And I know lots of writers start sentences with "and", but it really is incorrect. The sentence is easily started with "For" anyway. for this task he created five great gods to do create a home for man.
Each of these gods was shaped differently, everyone with their own personality, strength and gifts. This way Cosmos was sure that these gods would, when in unity, be able to solve all problems, for all had a different way of thinking.
The first god that he created was named Balor. He was the leader of the five and granted with great strength and wisdom. Next was Blot, equally wise but lacking the strength of his brother, something that he would later counterbalance with cunning and trickery. Then Wymar, the middle brother who was granted powers of creation far stronger than those of the others. After Wymar came Gwawl, given mastery of all physical skills. And at last came Anu, the lone sister, granted with the greatest love and compassion.He also gave all of them the understanding of their powers and mission so that they would not waste time on these meaningless matters. And so they were sent out by Cosmos to start shaping the world of man. This is a really long paragraph; readers usually don't like them.

I know that yws doesn't let you, but remember to indent your paragraphs
All of the Gods had visions of how this world should look, trying to convince the others why their ideas where best. Balor and Gwawl agreed on a world made out of floating rocks and stones, held together by long ropes, thus creating a cast island system. Anu and Wymar who did not agree, envisioned a liquid world, where all men would swim like fish in the sea. And Blot did not participate, he believed that he could solve anything with his own mind. This discussion however soon resulted in a quarrel between the gods, fiercely defending their visions and pushing them upon the others.
“These men have legs to stand not fins to swim!” Balor exclaimed, “what sense would it make to let them live in a world like that?”
“It would be safer than your baneful idea,” replied Anu with an irritated voice. “How long do you think it would take for one to fall? Our world would be safe as they cannot fall.”
Blot still was silent and gazed into infinity, hoping that his brethren would soon stop this foolishness. It was then that he noticed something far away. He then realized what it was and quickly addressed his brethren, “Fight no more my brothers and sister, for I have found the place where man shall dwell!” And then he quickly moved to what he had just seen.
The other gods, surprised by this sudden claim, followed Blot, forgetting their disagreements. Once they reached the object that Blot had seen they all gazed in wonder at the sheer size of this thing. It was a huge, flat rock. One of Cosmos’ old creations. They all agreed that this would be the base on which they would create the world of man. It did then not look like it does now. No, it was a barren lifeless rock when the gods found it. I know that this is some sort of story in the story. Right? You seem to be forcing all this information on us. Is the rest of the story going to be about these gods? If not, this would probably be a better introduction.


So, overall I really like this, but like I said above it seems to be more of an introduction. I don't really want to read more. You should work on ending the chapter with kind of a boom. Like the top of a climax should be in-between two chapters. Do you get what I mean?

A.S.
  





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Mon Jun 07, 2010 9:51 pm
theboss says...



Thanks for the crit's all. :D
I really got some useful tips here.

I added a prologue and tweaked the story a bit, so if anyone would care to take another look it would be great :P
I guess specially the prologue since the rest did not change that much, yet.
  





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Mon Jun 07, 2010 11:03 pm
canislupis says...



Tranur was a prosperous city on a major trade route is best known as the capital of a the human empire. It lay near the center of the world, encircled with high, thick, white stone walls. Standing on these walls one could see clearly for many miles for no tree nor rock obscured but an inch of the view. It was this great view that was the cities greatest defense, for no army could approach undetected, nor could they seek shelter once within viewing range.


How do they get their food? It there are walls around it, (and I'm thinking that it's medieval in terms of technology, so it would be pretty time consuming/costly to create large walls. Also, where did the stones come from?) they probably don't have crops inside. And if outside it is pretty barren, that means that their food has to be shipped from somewhere else, which means a lot of people coming in and out on a daily basis.

Ok, that probably was going a bit too in-depth, but I do feel like you need to do more work developing the world and people here (especially because the mythology seemed very unique, like you'd put a lot of time in to it.)

Moving on--I like the fact that we see a bit of story before the gods create the world, but, to be very honest, it's almost more boring than what you originally had.

Why? Because it's pure exposition and telling. (You'll hear this a lot on this site, but I'll go ahead and say it anyway: show, don't tell! There, I said it. ;)

You're telling us that the city is easy to defend. You're telling us that it is situated in the center of the world. This is just a suggestion, but why not try showing us someone defending it, perhaps? Or cut this bit altogether and start right in with your main character(s). Now, don't get me wrong--telling isn't *always* bad, but when we see it in large clumps like this, it gets boring and your readers start skimming.

At that moment an old man. He was wise looking man wearing a long brown robe. He has close-set white eyes, this meaning that he was blind. His silky gray hair is very long, almost touching the ground, his crooked body seemed to be fully supporting on the wooden cane he was holding. The children immediately knew that this was a powerful wizard.


Again, pure telling here. Actually, while I'm at it, here is an article on show vs. tell that may help, because I'm not so great at explaining it.

Also, 'At that moment an old man'? What does that mean? What did he do? This is a fragment.

Instead of saying "the children" all the time, maybe you could focus on one particular one? Or at least give them faces? I usually like to have at least one person I can relate to.

Since I'm just critiquing the prologue now, I'll also mention your lack of description--there isn't any at all. (Unless you count the "his hair was long and gray" part that I mostly skimmed anyway, because I could tell that whole paragraph was going to be telling.)

I did notice a few stylistic/grammatical errors, so I'd definitely suggest another run-through for proof reading.

In a nutshell for this bit: Delete the first couple of paragraphs and start with the old man. You can tell us all those details about the walls when the story actually needs them. Then SHOW the characters doing things and their reactions, and jump right in with the creation. Another idea--why not just start in with a few lines about the old man starting a story, and then jump right in to the creation (which I still think should be shortened, because if this was a book I'd be skipping through this to find the actual story.)

Ok, this critique is dragging on, so I'll just say that I think this shows a lot of promise, but still needs work (which I could say about pretty much anything, but yeah.) I hope this helps you with revisions and future works.

Let me know if you ever need a review or anything at all!

Lupis
  





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Tue Jun 08, 2010 12:39 am
ultraviolet says...



Hi! Here to re-review as asked. :)

OK, so, because it doesn't seem you've changed the main part so much, I'm going to focus on the prologue. 'Kay?

Red = Corrections
Blue = Things I like
Bold = Comments
Green = Ways I would phrase things. (Yup, I got a new color. :) )

theboss wrote:Tranur was a prosperous city on a major trade route is best known as the capital of a the human empire. It lay near the center of the world, encircled with high, thick, white stone walls. Standing on these walls one could see clearly for many miles, for no tree nor rock obscured but an inch of the view. It was this great view that was the cities greatest defense, for no army could approach undetected, nor could they seek shelter once within viewing range.
This great city was centuries old and books could be filled with the tales of its history. But this was not the way, because it want At first on this part I was confused, but simply for the typo. You meant "went." against the ancient traditions to write these stories down. They were to be passed down from generation to generation, each adding the tales of his or her lifetime.
And every twenty five years, twelve children would be chosen to be thought "taught" perhaps is what you meant? the history of the lands.
Today was the day that the twelve started, all at the age of twelve. For these children had much to learn and learning came This was in present tense, unlike your story. natural at young age.
The twelve children sat on a high roofed hall, around a central big This word isn't needed. Being a centrsl fire we already assume that it's big and stating so disrupts the flow of the story. fire that kept the building warm.
It was an uneasy time for them since they had been taken from their families You missed that word. I had to double take to understand what you were saying. without notice, probably not to see their loved ones in a long time to come.

At that moment an old man walked up. Again, missing words, which is very not good. A way to avoid this problem is to read it out loud. This will show you the words that your brain automatically adds, knowing what you mean. He was a wise looking man wearing a long brown robe. He has close-set white eyes, this meaning that he was blind. His silky gray hair was very long, almost touching the ground. His crooked body seemed to be fully supported on the wooden cane he was holding. The children immediately knew that this was a powerful wizard. Not to diss your dude, but this is kind of stereotypical, you know? A wise old graying wizard sent to teach the chosen children whatever it is they need to teach them. Let's try not to be cliche, now shall we?
“I bid you a fair welcome, young apprentices” the man started, “I know that this all happened very sudden, but you are the chosen ones, destined to learn and pass on our history to the next generation.” He paused and turned his attention to a sniffing boy with tear covered cheeks, short blond hair and green, watery eyes. “What’s the matter, young one?” He asked with true compassion in his voice.
“My mother was sick when I was taken from her,” the boy bursted out. “She will not survive without my care!”
The old man smiled. “Do not worry my friend. The family of the chosen ones falls under the protection of the city. They get a monthly compensation and free care if needed. So you should not fear for your mother, for she shares your fortune.” He paused, “If you all take your studies seriously and I will This word has no use. see enough progress in the first month, I will arrange a meeting with all of your families.”
The children cheered, knowing that this was a rare proposition and that most of the chosen ones did not see their family for the first year.

The man sat down at the fire. “Well, young ones, let us start with the These two words are unnecessary and rather awkward. learning.” He signed the children to move closer. “I shall start at the beginning, or rather before the beginning. This is the tale that tells the creation of our world. ” The man started telling the tale, with the children listening to him with great care, knowing that they needed to remember it.


Characters

The wise old man is a bit cliched, if you ask me. If you want him to be that way, fine. But make sure that you have him stick out from all the wise, gray-haired, wizard mentors. Make him interesting and worth reading otherwise people just aren't going to take the time.

Also, having chosen ones is another cliche, especially if you're outright calling them that, not even hiding the fact that they are picked-from-the-crowd ordinary children sent to learn the mysteries most don't know.

Grammar

You should read this out loud so you can hear the rhythm of this piece and what disrupts it. I noticed that you had a couple unnecessary words and several needed words are missing. Simply reading through can easily correct this. Otherwise your overall grammar wasn't too bad.

Hope I helped, ultraviolet
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

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Tue Jun 08, 2010 8:51 am
theboss says...



Thanks, the prologue was just something I whipped up fast to make it all have a more story-teller-is feeling.
I'll try to rewrite the whole thing in the "show" not "tell" manner, it will probably give me some extra length but be more interesting I hope.
I'll also change the prologue to a more personal one.
  





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Tue Jun 08, 2010 5:08 pm
Sins says...



Heya, here to review as requested. :D
I'm really sorry that I'm late! I was on vacation for four days and then when I came back, my computer decided to only work when it wanted to. Because of this, I haven't been able to do reviews very easily.

Considering I am late getting to this, everyone else has mentioned anything that I would say. You really do have some great reviews here. The others have mentioned any nit-picks that I would mention myself, so I'm not going to mention any nit-picks. They've also mentioned everything else, really. :lol: What I'm going to do is say what I feel this story needs. If it's already been mentioned, sorry!

What I first noticed about this piece was the fact that it felt kind of cliché at times. To be honest, I don't think that there's much wrong with creating something cliché. That's only if you can turn that cliché into original and unique! For example, take the classic story of a fair maiden getting saved by a brave knight. If you write that story like the brave knight goes into a castle, finds the maiden and saves her; that is cliché. If you write the story like the brave knight goes into a castle, which is overruled by a gang of robots, finds the fair maiden who is actually as ugly as hell. The brave Knight then discovers that the fair maiden is evil and her mind is ruled by a hobbit; that definitely isn't cliché. So basically, having some cliché things in your story is fine, just make them original in some way! :)

My only other real critique is the fact that you have a tendency to tell, not show. I noticed that you said you're going to rewrite this and sort that out. I just thought that I'd mention it again because it was something that I noticed. By telling and not showing, the story simply becomes rather boring to read. Other reviewers have mentioned this, so I'm not going to repeat absolutely everything that they've said. It might just be me, but I also find that when a writer tends to tell and not show, the flow of the story can feel awkward. Without a decent flow to your story, the reader will not be very happy when they are reading it! The same goes for any piece of writing, really. Canislupis has given you a very good thread on showing and telling. CHeck that out and you should be fine. 8)

Once again, sorry for being late and sorry this review was rather pointless. :lol: If you want another (better) review from me, just ask me in my Will Review For Food thread.

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian
Last edited by Sins on Tue Jun 29, 2010 7:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





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Mon Jun 28, 2010 12:14 am
Maddy says...



Hi Alex, welcome to YWS, seems you're fairly new here. Anyway, onto the review!

I'll start with saying you've got a fantastic idea here. I would really like to be informed when you put up the second chapter of this, message me when!

Grammar Techniques:
The most standout issue I have with your work is the "show, don't tell" rule. If you are going to become a reader, you must stick to this moto! I do realise a critquer above mentioned this, but I'll explain a bit more.
Don't state that something is "horrible" or something is "dastardly". You need to show us this through the action and dialogue. Of course, you can say things like "The villain conjured up a dastardly plot," but you must try and avoid saying sentences like "It was a horrible move by the villain." Why was it horrible? Show us this. Explain and describe.
The second issue with your work is your constant shift of tenses. Take this, for example:
The twelve children sat in a high roofed hall, around a central big fire that kept the building warm.
It was an uneasy time for them since they had been taken from their without notice, probably not to see their loved ones in a long time to come.

At that moment an old man. He was wise looking man wearing a long brown robe. He has close-set white eyes, this meaning that he was blind. His silky gray hair is very long, almost touching the ground, his crooked body seemed to be fully supporting on the wooden cane he was holding. The children immediately knew that this was a powerful wizard.
“I bid you a fair welcome young apprentices” the man started, “I know that this all happened very sudden, but you are the chosen ones, destined to learn and pass on our history to the next generation.” He paused and turned his attention to a sniffing boy with tear covered cheeks, short blond hair and green, watery eyes. “What’s the matter, young one?” He asked with true compassion in his voice.
“My mother was sick when I was taken from her,” the boy busted out. “She will not survive without my care!”
The old man smiled. “Do not worry my friend. The family of the chosen ones falls under the protection of the city. They get a monthly compensation and free care if needed. So you should not fear for your mother, for she shares your fortune.”

Watch what I fix in bold:

The twelve children sat in a high roofed hall, around a central big fire that kept the building warm.
It was an uneasy time for them since they had been taken from their families without notice, probably not to see their loved ones in a long time to come.

At that moment an old man entered the room. He was wise looking man, who wore a long, brown robe. He had close-set white eyes, this meaning that he was blind. His silky gray hair was very long, almost touching the ground and his crooked body seemed to be fully supporting on the wooden cane he was holding. The children immediately knew that this was a powerful wizard.
“I bid you a fair welcome young apprentices” the man started, “I know that this all happened very sudden, but you are the chosen ones, destined to learn and pass on our history to the next generation.” He paused and turned his attention to a sniffing boy with tear covered cheeks, short blond hair and green, watery eyes. “What’s the matter, young one?” He asked with true compassion in his voice.
“My mother was sick when I was taken from her,” the boy bursted out. “She will not survive without my care!”
The old man smiled. “Do not worry, my friend. The family of the chosen ones falls under the protection of the city. They get a monthly compensation and free care if needed. So you should not fear for your mother, for she shares your fortune.”

Watch your words like "was" and "that" and "did": They are your dead giveaways that your story is in "past tense".
---
Sorry that the review was late, I'm been busy lately.
Hope you found this useful!
:) -Maddy
Last edited by Maddy on Mon Jun 28, 2010 12:21 am, edited 1 time in total.
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
-"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

This awesome post bought to you by me. :)
  





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Mon Jun 28, 2010 12:17 am
Maddy says...



Oh, haha!
I went through my review folders on MsWord and realised I nitpicked your prologue. It would be a waste not to post it, so I'm going to. :)
Here you go:

Tranur was a prosperous city on a major trade route,best known as the capital of a the human empire. It lay near the center of the world, encircled with high, thick, white stone walls. Standing on these walls, one could see clearly for many miles, for no tree nor rock obscured but an inch of the view. It was this great view that was the cities greatest defense, for no army could approach undetected, nor could they seek shelter once within viewing range.
This great city was centuries old, and books could have be filled with the tales of its history. But this was not the way, because it went against the ancient traditions to write these stories down. They were to be passed down from generation to generation, each adding the tales of his or her lifetime.
And every twenty five years, twelve children would be chosen to be thought the history of the lands.
It was today that the first day of the chosen twelve had started, all at the age of twelve. For these children had much to learn and learning comes natural at young age.
The twelve children sat in a high roofed hall, around a central big fire that kept the building warm.
It was an uneasy time for them since they had been taken from their families without notice, probably not to see their loved ones in a long time to come.

At that moment an old man entered the room. He was wise looking man, who wore a long brown robe. He had close-set white eyes, this meaning that he was blind. His silky gray hair was very long, almost touching the ground, his crooked body seemed to be fully supporting on the wooden cane he was holding. The children immediately knew that this was a powerful wizard. {Watch those tenses-don’t switch to present when you are describing someone}
“I bid you a fair welcome, young apprentices” the man started. “I know that this has all happened very suddenly, but you are the chosen ones, destined to learn and pass on our history to the next generation.” He paused and turned his attention to a sniffing boy with tear covered cheeks, short blond hair and green, watery eyes. “What’s the matter, young one?” he asked with true compassion in his voice.
“My mother was sick when I was taken from her,” the boy bursted out. “She will not survive without my care!”
The old man smiled. “Do not worry, my friend. The family of the chosen ones falls under the protection of the city. They get a monthly compensation and free care if needed. So you should not fear for your mother, for she shares your fortune.” He paused. “If you all take your studies seriously enough, and you all progress well in the first month, I will arrange a meeting with all of your families.”
The children cheered, knowing that this was a rare proposition and that most of the chosen ones did not see their family for the first year.

The man sat down at the fire. “Well young ones, let us start with the learning.” He signed the children to move closer. “I shall start at the beginning, or rather before the beginning. This is the tale that tells the creation of our world. ” The man started telling the tale, while the children listened to him with great care, knowing that they needed to remember it.
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
-"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

This awesome post bought to you by me. :)
  








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