Young Writers Society

Home » Read / Write » Novels » Fantasy Novels

Terrafertilis Prologue



User avatar
123 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 82
Reviews: 123
Mon Apr 27, 2009 10:04 pm
Lord Anzius says...



Terrafertilis

“Weep this dusk my friend, not for your family long gone, nor for the death that awaits, but for the heart of that man. Him whom owns the morning sky blue and the night sky black. Him whom has seen his brethren fall, kingdoms crumble. Weep and then dry your tears my friend, for now you march under the banner of that man. Him whom owns the blue and the black.”

-The Emperor’s colours by Cahve Al Mainder

PROLOGUE

The war drums were banging, as I stared at the blue and black banner before me.
This can't be good. I thought. I looked down at the legion marching below me on the road surrounded by forests, from my camp site on a high cliff. I took a bite out of my bread and turned to nudge the man behind me “Sensei, sensei. Wake up, sensei!” I bellowed, very close to his ear. The old man sat up abruptly, his long white beard flying all around him.
“What? Where?” he mumbled, before collapsing back into his sheets with a great big snore.
I sighed and stood up, walking to our water supply to fill a mug full of water. I walked back to my grizzled old sensei and remorselessly dropped the cold water on his face while saying “Wake up! It's morning already you lazy old goat!”
The old man spat the water out of his mouth and rose into a sitting position. While rubbing his eyes and stretching he asked me “What? May I repeat! What?! Is so darn begotten important that you had to wake me up?”
I took hold of his hand a literally dragged him to the edge of the cliff, and pointed at the blue and black legion.
“What do you make of that?”
He struggled to see what I was pointing at; when he finally found it his eyes widened.
I repeated my question. He looked up at me and said: “Trouble.”
Last edited by Lord Anzius on Wed Apr 29, 2009 9:40 pm, edited 2 times in total.
To copy reality is good... But to create reality is much, much better.
-Giuseppe Verdi-
  





User avatar
15 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 15
Mon Apr 27, 2009 10:59 pm
DSF says...



Yay for prologues, as they are start of something great! Oh and what is Terrafertilis? Is it something you made up or does the word actually have a meaning besides being the title of the quote? Just curious that's all.

And I am going to give a REAL critique, so be prepared...

but for the hearth of that man


Hearth? As in the person's home or is it supposed to be heart?

Him whom owns the morning sky blue and the night sky black.


Sky blue and sky black sounds weird in my opinion. Shouldn't it be blue sky and black night. It just doesn't flow well so I would personally change it.

, for you now you march under the banner of that man.


That you shouldn't be there so get rid of it

Him whom owns the blue and the black.


I like this, instead of saying something like he owns the earth and the heavens or the sky you said the blue and black which we already know is the morning and the night. Good, creative description.

The war drum was banging, as I looked at the blue and black banner before me


Sentence sounds a bit odd. Either make it it's own so it is "The war drum was banging. As I looked down..." or reword it to something like "The sound of a war drum banging filled the air as I looked down..."

legion marching below me, from my camp site


I don't think that comma is needed as a pause doesn't seem necessary. I could be wrong but just saying, "legion marching below me from my camp site..." sounds fine.

Sensei, sensei. Wake up sensei!” I bellowed, very close to his ear. The old man woke up with a jump, his long white beard flying all around him.

“What? Where?” he mumbled, before collapsing back into his sheets with a great big snore.


Okay a couple things. Are they just sleeping in beds outside? Seems like they should at least have a tent or something for the main character to walk into. Just having beds outside seems a bit weird. Also the man obviously didn't wake up since he collapsed back with a big snore so I would change it to, "The old man jumped up while mumbling..." or something like that.

I sighed and stood up


When did he ever sit down... I thought he was already standing...

I walked to our water supply and took a mug full of water


Okay in this paragraph you start 3 sentences with I. Which is to repetitive so change your wording to start one, this one for example, like this, "Walking to our water supply I took a mug..." so it at least starts differently.

I walked back to my grizzled old sensei and remorselessly dropped the cold water on his face while saying “Wake up! Its morning already you lazy old goat!”


Hehehe I love how he "remorselessly" dropped the cold water, good word choice. And the fact that he called his sensei and old goat shows they must have a good relationship, so make sure they do. You wouldn't call someone that unless you were more then just a master and student, but more friends...

While rubbing his eyes and stretching he asked me “What? May I repeat? What?! Is so darn begotten important that you have to wake me up?” he hissed.


You don't need to say he hissed as you already pointed out in the beginning of the sentence that he is asking a question, it just makes it sound a bit off. If you truly want him to hiss then change the beginning to say, "stretching he asked me with a hiss, "What..."

Oh and i chuckled when I read how he said "what? May i repeat? What?!" funny!

I took hold of his hand a literary dragged him to the edge of the cliff. I pointed at the blue and black legion.


The "a" should be "took hold of his hand and..."

Literary should be "Literally"

Once again too manyI's, either give this character a name or use them less. Change the sentence to "I took hold of his hand and literally dragged him to the edge of the cliff as I pointed out at the blue and black legion."

He struggled to see what I was pointing at, when he finally found it his eyes widened.


So there is a massive legion below and this guy is having trouble seeing it? I know he is old and he just woke up by I think he would be able to see it :P

Overall: This was a good start. Short and simple as any Prologue should be. But you like some detail about the whole thing. A name for this main character? Either that or use less I's. The beginning quote was good and i liked the whole black and blue thing since that is unique and different. I would just reread and rewrite it a couple times. Also the main character shows little emotion throughout the whole thing and I would add some. Maybe he feels fear when he sees the legion, or a sinking dread, I don't know, something. Good job though, hoped this helped!
  





User avatar
202 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 8831
Reviews: 202
Tue Apr 28, 2009 12:26 am
Octave says...



Hello Lord Anzius! I'm here to review your work!


I looked down at the legion marching below me, from my camp site on a high cliff.


You just used look in the last sentence. It's really noticeable and it distracts. Try a different word: glanced, glimpsed, stared, etc.


I took a bite from my bread and turned to nudge the man behind me “Sensei, sensei. Wake up sensei!” I bellowed, very close to his ear.


Taking a bite from my bread, I turned to nudge the man behind me.

"Sensei, sensei. Wake up, sensei!" I bellowed, very close to his ear.

At least I think it should be like that. Buried dialogue isn't proven half as effective as if it's in a different line. It makes a bigger impact if it's in a different line.


I sighed and stood up, I walked to our water supply and took a mug full of water.


I sighed and stood up, walking to our water supply and taking a mug full of water.

Don't use the word "I" too much. It gets annoying after a while.


I walked back to my grizzled old sensei and remorselessly dropped the cold water on his face while saying “Wake up! Its morning already you lazy old goat!”


I dropped the cold water on my grizzled old sensei's face. "Wake up! It's morning already you lazy old goat!"

Prune words. Search and destroy. If you say it that way, it's understood that the MC returned to his sensei to drop the water on him.



“What? May I repeat? What?! Is so darn begotten important that you have to wake me up?” he hissed.


"What, may I repeat, what, is so darn begotten important that you have to wake me up?" He shouted.

Well, not really shouted. But it can't be hissed. If you hiss something you need plenty of letter S's. And I changed the punctuation a bit to make it more understandable. I had to read it twice to understand.


I took hold of his hand a literary dragged him to the edge of the cliff.


I took hold of his hand and literally dragged him to the edge of the cliff.

Literally, not literary.


He struggled to see what I was pointing at, when he finally found it his eyes widened.


He struggled to see what I was pointing at; when he finally found it his eyes widened.

The semicolon works better than the comma here.



Now that the nitpicks are over, it's time for me to review your work as a whole. Does this take place in Japan? Otherwise it wouldn't make sense to call the master "sensei".

Also, start sentences with I too much. Don't. If you write in first person you have to find unique ways to avoid starting with the letter I. You can use it, of course, but not too much.

Oh and also, the story seems pretty strong so far. Just try to give us a taste of what the character is thinking and what's going on through his mind (emotions, thoughts, etc.) It is, after all, first person.

I hope my review helped.
^^
"The moral of this story, is that if I cause a stranger to choke to death for my amusement, what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t tell me who ordered you to kill Colosimo?“

-Boardwalk Empire

Love, get out of my way.


Dulcinea: 2,500/50,000
  





User avatar
312 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 6403
Reviews: 312
Tue Apr 28, 2009 2:49 pm
Mars says...



Hello!

I looked at the blue and black banner before me. I looked down at the legion marching below me,

So, right away, this bit is way too repetitive. I think it would be easier to read if you rephrased it, like change the second looked or something.

“Wake up! Its morning already you lazy old goat!”

*It's

I took hold of his hand a literary dragged him to the edge of the cliff

*and literally? I don't like using the word literally there, we already know that he/she's actually dragging the sensei.

Okay! So, I haven't read the other reviews, so sorry if I repeat some of what they said. ^^

I think you have a great start here, Anzius. It's definitely interesting, and I like the cliffhanger at the end. The big problem is the actual wording. As I mentioned, you tend to be repetitive ("I walked to get water. I walked back.") Varying the sentence structure and the word choice could really improve this; try thesaurus.com or something like that. :D The other thing is that we don't need to know every single one of your character's actions. I sighed, stood up, walked, got water, walked back. It gets very boring. So, to sum up:
1. Change it up. Use different words so we don't get bored.
2. Cut out all the junk. Cut out what's superfluous and only give us what's necessary, so that, again, we don't get bored.
Your plot seems like it will be very exciting, and I love the dynamic between the narrator and the sensei, so keep that up! Just edit some of the wording and you'll be good to go.
-Mars
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats


critiques // nano
  





User avatar
89 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 792
Reviews: 89
Tue Apr 28, 2009 4:44 pm
mimimac says...



Hey, Mia here as requested. :)

I took a bite from my bread and turned to nudge the man behind me “Sensei, sensei. Wake up, sensei!” I bellowed, very close to his ear.

I think 'from my bread' should be replaced with 'out of my bread'. Also, you say you bellowed at your old sensei... would you wake up an old man like that? Really? I would suggest something like: I whispered, or something like that.

The old man [s]spit [/s] spat the water out of his mouth and rose into a sitting position.


“What? May I repeat! What?! Is so darn begotten important that you have to wake me up?”

Remove the 'May I repeat', it confused me when I read it. Just leave the sentence as:
"What? What is so darn begotten important that you have to wake me up?"
Also, I would replace 'have' with 'had' because he's already awake.

Those are all the nitpicks I could find since the others were pointed out above.

Descriptions
To be honest, your descriptions are a bit repetitive and boring. You say: 'I did this, I ate that, I took those," etc, and it doesn't bring any life into your writing. Try show what's going on through actions, dialogue, emotions, etc. By doing this, the reader is actually able to picture what's happening, and really get into the story, not just read it.
Example of telling:
Becky and Tiff got ready for the party together.
Example of showing:
Tiff was brushing her long black hair carefully, as her best friend Becky burst out of the bathroom to her right.
"I'm so glad we both these matching dresses, we'll look perfect at the party!" Becky flaunted, gazing at the red dress she had on which was identical to the one Tiff had on.
You see the difference? The second one is much more interesting and I also gave extra information.

Characters
The MC seems stubborn, and obviously doesn't respect his elders, also his sensei likes his rest... that's what I got about the characters. Even if this is such a short piece, try bring out their personalities that little bit more, you already have the basis of it ready.

Overall
Can't say much about the plot and stuff because this piece is so short, I enjoyed it so far. Work on the things I pointed out above, corrected what I told you to, and the entire story will be much better. This prologue interested me, but I thing it might do with being a tiny bit more exciting to capture the reader's attention.
Keep up the great work!
PM me with any questions or if you need any other reviews.
xxMiaxx :)
-mors aut honorabilis vita-


Forget the prince with a horse, I want a vampire with a volvo.
  








Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
— George Eliot