Young Writers Society

Home » Read / Write » Poetry » Dramatic Poetry

You think you know her



User avatar
1087 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 44360
Reviews: 1087
Wed Apr 22, 2009 5:51 pm
Sins says...



This was a random five minute poem so don't expect anything amazing! Enjoy :D

You think you know her
Inside a plastic girl, within a plastic shell,
Lives a lonely soul begging for attention.
She has a beating heart but it's hidden well.
There are things inside her, she will not mention

How she feels when she sees you laughing,
How she cries when she's all alone.
How she wonders when she sees you smiling,
How she breaks when she's off her throne.

She acts as if she doesn't care about,
What other people think of her, what they say.
But all that she's doing is blocking them out,
She wants to make them sad, wants to make them pay.

You think you understand her, but you don't know,
How empty she feels, how lonely she's become.
Her perfect, glistening smile is just for show.
She may be pretty but she's not really dumb.

She's smart enough to live her life while hidden,
Hidden away from what she thinks, what she feels.
She dreams to live the life that's forbidden.
The only thing she wants is to be revealed;
For who she really is inside.
Last edited by Sins on Mon May 18, 2009 7:35 pm, edited 6 times in total.
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





Random avatar


Gender: Female
Points: 1290
Reviews: 7
Thu Apr 23, 2009 8:00 pm
x.BorderlineCrazy.x says...



That poem WAS good.

If this is what you can do with a quick five minute poem I wonder...

But poems that are inspired from something will usually be better.

"But there's things inside her, she will not mention"

On this line I think you could leave the but. It would fit more to the rhythm.

Thrown should be throne.

Except for that I haven't really got anything else to say.

It's a good poem. (Y)
"A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life." Charles Darwin.
  





User avatar
312 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 6403
Reviews: 312
Fri Apr 24, 2009 6:08 pm
Mars says...



Hello!

Inside a plastic girl, within a plastic shell,
Lives a lonely girl begging for attention.

What I don't like about this is the repetition of the word girl. It sounds bad, and, also, there are so many other words you could use that would further your point. Like waif, child, soul for examples.

There are things inside her, she will not mention

As it is, this line seems like it was just thrown in there for the rhyme of attention/mention. I'd like it better if it were more connected to the preceding lines, like instead of there are, it could be more like hidden well/and things inside her... you know? So it flows a little better.

She acts as if she doesn't even care about,

Too many syllables (at least how I read it).

She wants to live the life that's forbidden.
The only thing she wants is to be revealed;

I love the idea that you're going for here, but again, I think it could be a bit more connected. With the period, and the repetition of wants, it seems disjointed but what you're really trying to say - or at least what I got out of it - is that she wants to show herself to the world, which is forbidden because no one is really real or whatever. So I think it should be rephrased, then clearer and smoother.

Really good concept, and nice for five minutes; it just needs a bit of polish. :D
-Mars
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats


critiques // nano
  





User avatar
45 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4961
Reviews: 45
Sat Apr 25, 2009 4:40 am
Layla says...



Wow. That is EXACTLY how i feel inside. EXACTLY. that was a totally amazing poem.
I hope someday that someone will walk into my life and help me realize why it never worked out with him or anyone else.
  





User avatar
1087 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 44360
Reviews: 1087
Mon May 18, 2009 2:33 pm
Sins says...



Thanks for the reviews guys, they really help!
I've tried to polish it up a bit and hopefully it's a little better!
Once again thanks for the reviews.

Your friend, Meg

xoxo

P.S I just dropped my fork!
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





User avatar
14 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1231
Reviews: 14
Mon May 18, 2009 7:31 pm
Lalaland says...



Hey Megan x

I really like this actually!

I especially liked the idea of the poem. It was quite clever and original. I agree with what everyone else has said as well, it's very good for a five minute poem!

But I do agree with borderline crazy, poems tend to be better when they are inspired by something but that's hard to do when there's nothing that's inspiring you at the moment! Trust me, I would know!

I would have to say that my favourite stanza is the second one becasue I especially like the repetition, I think it's quite effective.

I'm not very good at reviews so I'll just leave it there!

Overall, I really liked your poem and I'm looking forward to reading some more of your work!

Love Lalaland x
  





Random avatar


Gender: Female
Points: 1290
Reviews: 7
Tue May 19, 2009 1:51 pm
Breezy says...



Love the concept! I just think that you've got some work to do on making it flow better.


"Inside a plastic girl, within a plastic shell,

Lives a lonely soul begging for attention.

She has a beating heart but it's hidden well.

There are things inside her, she will not mention."

This is a great start. It's really, really cool. I just love the phrasing. My only critique here is that the coma seems out of place; I think if you replaced it with "that" it would sound better, as in, "there are things inside her that she will not mention."


"How she feels when she sees you laughing,

How she cries when she's all alone.

How she wonders when she sees you smiling,

How she breaks when she's off her throne."

Here's where I think you've hit some kinks with flow. I'm feeling like "all" from the second stanza could be cut to improve flow - And I think that there's a more natural way of phrasing the last line. Maybe something like, "How she tumbles from her throne"? I think you need to cut some sounds there.



"She acts as if she doesn't care about,

What other people think of her, what they say.

But all that she's doing is blocking them out,

She wants to make them sad, wants to make them pay."

I don't think you need a coma after the first line, but I'm not entirely sure on that, so don't quote me. I feel like you should cut the last line so it just says, "She wants to make them pay." I don't know why but I feel this rhythm with his poem... this flow that's not quite there.

"You think you understand her, but you don't know,

How empty she feels, how lonely she's become.

Her perfect, glistening smile is just for show.

She may be pretty but she's not really dumb."

Coma at the first line, once again, not entirely sure if it belongs there. I think 'she's not really dumb' reads kind of funny. Is there a way you could rephrase this?


"She's smart enough to live her life while hidden,

Hidden away from what she thinks, what she feels.

She dreams to live the life that's forbidden.

The only thing she wants is to be revealed;

For who she really is inside."

I love the closing two lines. They really sum it up well.


Ignore me if I'm being nitpicky, I just read through this poem and saw this flow that it almost had, almost, to make it read smoother. It might just be me, though.
Winchester Cathedral - You're bringin' me down...
You stood and you watched as my baby left town.
  








Don't aim at success--the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself.
— Viktor E. Frankl