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When We First Met



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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 3
Wed Apr 22, 2009 12:18 am
Nephii601 says...



When we first met,
I didn't like you,
Who would've ever guess you'll be my boo.
When we first met,
I knew it is true,
Who would've have thought I'll love you.
My thoughts were clear,
When you whispered in my ear.
When we first met,
You asked me for my name,
But who would have thought it could be all the same.
But now i know you are the one for me,
Now everyone can see,
How true love is supposed to be.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 6403
Reviews: 312
Wed Apr 22, 2009 5:14 pm
Mars says...



Hello! Welcome to YWS! One of our rules is to spread the love; eg, please review two other works before you post your own, and keep the 2:1 ratio. That way the site keeps running, plus other people will be more eager to read your poems. :) If you're a bit confused on how to review (I was), there are a couple of articles here that can help you:

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Okay! So, I'll start with line-by-line comments, and then give you my overall comments. Here goes.

When we first met,

I didn't like you, The comma here is not the right punctuation, I think. I'd end it with a period since your next line is a new sentence.

Who would've ever guess[b]ed
you' be my boo. Question mark instead of a period.

When we first met,

I knew it is true, Know instead of knew; present tense. Since your next line clearly states that you DIDN'T know, but you do now. :)

Who would've [s]have[/s] thought I'd love you. Question mark.

My thoughts were clear,

When you whispered in my ear. These lines are a bit jarring, as you have a strict repetition in the beginning and in the end. Maybe keep them but make them into a separate stanza, so it's not like you just forgot the structure.

When we first met,

You asked me for my name,

But who would have thought it could be all the same. Question mark. Here I'm confused; that WHAT could be all the same? I get that it rhymes with name, but it doesn't make sense.

But now I know you are the one for me, Again, the comma isn't right here. A period, dash, colon...but not a comma.

Now everyone can see,

How true love is supposed to be. Aw. Very cute ending.


Grammar: Watch the grammar. Verb tenses are tricky, and all of your who would've thought[/b] lines had at least one tense mistake. I'm not sure whether it was just something you overlooked, so I won't explain all of it now, but if you need me to I can help with that. :)

Also, the punctuation (I mentioned this above). A lot of people think it's necessary to begin each line capitalized and end each with a comma or period, but guess what? You don't. It's one of the cool things about poetry, you can bend the punctuation rules a bit and get away with lowercase letters, (sometimes), other ending punctuation, or even NO punctuation. Just experiment with it a bit and have fun, and be aware that it's not a strict rule.

Structure: Okay, so as I mentioned, you have quite a strict structure up there. Which is totally fine, unless you start to sacrifice meaning for rhyme...like in the [i]it would all be the same
line. I still have no idea what you were talking about there! The hard thing about rhyming a poem is that you have to select words that will convey your meaning, but of course, sound right together, but sometimes you just...can't. Again, experiment, have fun with it, be aware that there are hardly any rules here.

And, also, I don't like the repetition of the who would've thought and when we first met. TBH, it actually takes a fairly simple meaning and bashes the reader over the head with it, which can get annoying. Maybe you could write it without those lines, or change it so it's not quite as tiring?

And, finally, if you do have a structure like this, you need to stick with it and be consistent, otherwise it feels a bit all over the place and confused. Eg the last lines and the ones I pointed out.

Meaning: Very, very cute, as I already said. I love how you let your emotions come out, and it's true; often we never know how someone will affect us in the beginning. I can tell it came straight from the heart. :)

I'm glad you took the time to write this. Again, welcome to the site, and good luck! Keep writing!
-Mars
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats


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