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Love of a King.



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Tue Dec 30, 2008 8:43 pm
silverSUNLIGHTx says...



I really don't know how politically correct this is. I can't even tell you the time period I'm aiming for, but just go along with it I guess. I want to focus on the writing. Enjoy. :] This is NOT about Henry the VIII! Henry and Sofia are completely made up characters. Thank you.
[s]&&&&&&[/s]


She wasn’t going to get pregnant. She wasn’t ever going to get pregnant. Henry faced this crushing truth with a weighted, melancholy feeling in his heart. Head in his hands, he knew he had to do something. But which path to follow, he didn’t know.
Staring at the stone floor, he watched as her feet approached. Padding slowly towards him, bare soles gripping the grainy tile.
“Sofia.” He started, but he couldn’t seem to find words to say anything else. He looked up to see her facing him. Straight locks of gold framed her heart shaped face and the glint of the fire in the hearth danced in her dark brown irises. Sofia’s expression was strong, she held the regal look of the queen in every feature she could. He knew what she would say next.
Sofia took in a breath of courage. “You have my permission to take another wife.” She said. Her words never faltered, but he knew her well enough to know that they ate her up inside.
So strong was his urge to take her into his arms, he could hardly bear the distance between them. But his perplexity rooted him to the spot. What would he do without a son? Or even a daughter? The crown of England would certainly go to his corrupted cousin, who never showed the slightest trace of mercy even in the proceedings of what little power he already possessed.
Sofia stood, waiting for his reply. Would he agree with her? She would understand, he knew, but she would also bear deep scars. The kind that did not heal well.
Henry stood and crossed the room to take her hand in his. Three years of marriage, and her touch still continued to excite every nerve in his body. Up close, he could see the cracks in her façade now, with crushing disappointment exuding form every fault. She loved him as much as he loved her, this he was positive of. It would kill her to watch him marry another woman, but she would do it because she knew how much his kingdom meant to him. She feigned fortitude just to ease the burden of his decision.
“My dear, sweet Sofia.” He whispered in her ear, taking her waif-like figure into his arms. How could he ever hurt her? How could he stand it? The realization occurred to him then with a fervor, he couldn’t do it. He wouldn’t.
Softly and simply he said, “I will not take another wife. I could never give my heart to any woman but you.”
The soft black of the night seeped into the room from the window, barely illuminated by a sliver of white moonlight. The fire in the hearth crackled, slowly burning down, giving way to softly glowing coals that pulsed with orange light.
Sofia looked away, she stared down at the floor for some time, taking in his promise. Wading into it.
Henry could tell that she was relieved, but only in the slightest. Now there were new burdens to brood over. Her breath came in soft whispers. “What will we do?” Her face was only inches from his, her lips parted slightly and her eyes averted, her weighted thoughts claiming all inches of her sweet face.
“We will have a son.” He said, and walked slowly towards the window, resting his palms on the stone ledge, staring out into the night.
Sofia clutched his upper arm in her hands, “What do you mean?” her pale face etched with lines of confusion.
Henry turned to her, eyes now excited with a fresh idea. “You will stuff the abdomen of your gown.” His voice now growing louder with zeal.
“What?”
Henry started to pace, more vigor in each step. The thrill of a fresh ruse accompanying his fast beating heart. “Yes, it’s perfect. You will tell everyone you are with child. And every fortnight you will add more padding under your dress to make it seem like you are carrying a bairn, and you will refuse your ladies to dress you.” His eyes were now glowing with enthusiasm.
Sofia stared at him complacently, never thinking for a minute that his stratagem would make it through the night.
He walked over and placed his hands on her shoulders. “And I will go to the orphanage, and adopt the most grand and noble bairn you have ever seen.” His eyes twinkled in the diminishing firelight.
Sofia couldn’t help but chuckle at his exuberance. “A grand and noble bairn?” she asked, a coy smile tugging at the corners of her lips.
“Yes, my dear Sofia.” His expression softened, “I will never take another wife. You need not worry.”
She looked up at his face with all the love she could give. “I shall never worry.”
Last edited by silverSUNLIGHTx on Wed Dec 31, 2008 6:47 pm, edited 3 times in total.
--->Don't forget we've got unfinished business. Stories yet to unfold, tales that must be retold.
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Tue Dec 30, 2008 10:02 pm
Ducati says...



silverSUNLIGHTx wrote:

She wasn’t going to get pregnant. She wasn’t ever going to get pregnant.
I think couldn't get pregnant is clearer. The opening lines confused me as to if his wanted her to or notl

Henry faced this crushing truth with a weighted, melancholy feeling in his heart. Head in his hands, he knew he had to do something. But which path would he dare to follow? Little cliche
Staring at the stone floor, he watched as her feet approached. Padding slowly towards him, bare soles gripping the grainy tile.
“Sofia.” He started, but he couldn’t seem to find words to say anything else. He looked up to see her facing him. Straight locks of gold framed her heart shaped face. The glint of the fire in the hearth danced in her dark brown irises. Sofia’s expression was strong, she held the regal look of the queen in every feature she could. He knew what she would say next.
Sofia took in a breath of courage. “You have my permission to take another wife.” She said. Her words never faltered, but he knew her well enough to know that they ate her up inside.
So strong was his urge to take her into his arms, he could hardly bear the distance between them. But his perplexity rooted him to the spot. What would he do without a son? Or even a daughter? The crown of England would certainly go to his corrupted cousin, who never even sparsely
Sparsely sounds bad
showed the slightest trace of mercy even in the proceedings of what little power he already possessed.
Sofia stood, waiting for his commentFor his reply. Would he agree with her? She would understand, he knew, but she would also bear deep scars. The kind that did not heal well.
Henry stood and crossed the room to take her hand in his. Three years of marriage, and her touch still continued to excite every nerve in his body. Up close, he could see the cracks in her façade now, with crushing disappointment exuding form every fault. She loved him as much as he loved her, this he was positive of. It would kill her inside to watch him marry another woman, but she would do it because she knew how much his kingdom meant to him. She feigned fortitude just to ease the burden of his decision.
“My dear, sweet Sofia.” He whispered in her ear, taking her waif-like figure into his arms. How could he ever hurt her? How could he stand it? But slowly the realization occurred to him, he couldn’t do it. He wouldn’t.
Softly and simply he said, “I will not take another wife. I could never give my heart to any woman but you.”
The soft black of the night seeped into the room from the window, barely illuminated by a sliver of white moonlight. The fire in the hearth crackled, slowly burning down, giving way to softly glowing coals that pulsed with orange light. Bit of a weird time to put description in, it takes away from the story, rather than adding to it.
Sofia looked away, she stared down at the floor for some time, taking in his promise. Wading into it.
Henry could tell that she was relieved, but only in the slightest. Now there were new burdens to brood over. Her breath came in soft whispers. “What will we do?” Her face was only inches from his, her lips parted slightly and her eyes averted. Her weighted thoughts claiming all inches of her sweet face.
“We will have a son.” He said, and walked slowly towards the window, resting his palms on the stone ledge, staring out into the night.
Sofia clutched his upper arm in her hands, “What do you mean?” her pale face etched with lines of confusion.
Henry turned to her, eyes now excited with a fresh idea. “You will stuff the abdomen of your gown.” His voice now growing louder with zeal.
“What?”
Henry started to pace, more vigor in each step. The thrill of a fresh ruse accompanying his fast beating heart. “Yes, it’s perfect. You will tell everyone you are with child. And every fortnight you will add more padding under your dress to make it seem like you are carrying a bairn, and you will refuse your ladies to dress you.” His eyes were now glowing with enthusiasm.
Sofia stared at him complacently, never thinking for a minute that his stratagem would make it through the night.
He walked over and placed his hands on her shoulders. “And I will go to the orphanage, and adopt the most grand and noble bairn you have ever seen.” His eyes twinkled in the diminishing firelight.
Sofia couldn’t help but chuckle at his exuberance. “A grand and noble bairn?” she asked, a coy smile tugging at the corners of her lips.
“Yes, my dear Sofia.” His expression softened, “I will never take another wife. You need not worry.”
She looked up at his face with all the love she could give. “I shall never worry.”


That was very sweet. I loved it. It was riveting and the characters leaped off the page (er, screen). Sorry I couldn't be more helpful, but I want to see what happens next!
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Tue Dec 30, 2008 11:24 pm
Night Mistress says...



It's seen very interesting. Usually, the king didn't care if he was hurting his wife by taking another, but I like your king, he seems very kind hearted. I hope you continue this wonderful story> I fear that there Character have much in store for them by adopting.

Pm me when you have the next chapter up if you decide to continue.
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Wed Dec 31, 2008 3:40 am
Mars says...



I was going to start this critique off with, "Sorry, the only things I know about Henry VIII are from The Other Boleyn Girl!" But then I finished your story, and I realized you weren't doing a take on that story. That's my first impression. It could easily be changed by changing Henry's name (sorry; I know how attached we get to our characters) or maybe I'm just crazy :P
So! Let's concentrate on the writing aspect, yes? Nit-picks first. As always.
Quote: But which path would he dare to follow?
I hate questions, in fiction, to the reader. Sometimes, it sounds okay, but mostly, it's just too much foreshadowing and sounds melodramatic. So, I think you should change this into a statement. Also, it makes it sound like there are two distinct paths, which I suppose could be to take another wife or not take another wife, but at this point it seems unclear and is a bit confusing. I hope that made sense.
Quote: Padding slowly towards him, bare soles gripping the grainy tile.
While this sounds pretty, it's a sentence fragment. They were padding, their soles gripping the floor. Or something. Also, usually we say 'bare feet' instead of 'bare soles' so that part sounded weird to me.
Quote: Straight locks of gold framed her heart shaped face. The glint of the fire in the hearth danced in her dark brown irises.
I love this. I do. Descriptions are always hard, saying too much or not enough, or whatever, but you totally nailed it. But I would love it more if these two sentences were connected by an 'and' because otherwise it's a little choppy.
Quote: in her every feature [s]she could.[/s]
Sounds better.
Quote: “You have my permission to take another wife.” She said. [/b]
Oops, should be ...to take another wife," she said. I think you do this a couple more times, so watch out for it.
Quote: [i]who never even sparsely showed the slightest trace of mercy

I agree that sparsely sounds odd there, and you don't need it since you have never even and slightest trace-you have made the point.
Quote: It would kill her [s]inside[/s] to watch him marry another woman,
Without inside, the image is so much stronger. We (the readers) know that you don't mean literally kill her, so you don't have to clarify it for us.
Quote: But slowly the realization occurred to him, he couldn’t do it. He wouldn’t.
Don't the questions preceding these sentences contradict the 'but slowly the realization occurred to him...' part? How could he ever hurt Sofia? He couldn't. So it seems like something that he already knew, not something that he just realized. You see what I mean?
Quote: her lips parted slightly and her eyes averted. Her weighted thoughts claiming all inches of her sweet face.
Another sentence fragment, which would be easily fixed by changing that period to a comma. I really love this part, by the way. Same thing goes for 'the thrill of a fresh ruse...' (I love that part too, but it would sound better as part of the previous sentence.)
Your ending gave me warm fuzzies. :) I wonder what will happen when the orphanage warden tells everyone that the king popped in for a son.
So. All my suggestions are above. Honestly? This piece was beautiful, especially for a romantic girl like yours truly *swoon*. I think your concept was great, and would work as a standalone story or as a longer piece, so whatever you want to do there is good.
Oh! A lot of the things I mentioned above happened more than once in the story, so even though I commented on a lot, that doesn't mean that's all of it ;-) I suggest reading your piece aloud a couple of times, all the way, and then you'll catch all of those little things that shouldn't make a difference but do, like where to put a period instead of a comma, or vice versa, or what's choppy or whatever. You know what I mean. Already this piece is great, so a little more editing will make it even better.
Okay, I promise I'm done now. PM me if you need anything
or if you want another review, well, you know.
xxxxx
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Wed Dec 31, 2008 3:58 am
Areida says...



Hey there...

Not a bad premise/start to a story, but it felt a little "off" to me the whole time. My first instinct was that you were referring to Henry VIII, so when he started talking his lovely queen, Sofia, I had little question marks floating out of my head.

Sooo... if it's historical fiction, are we in England? What time period? You give virtually no details about their surroundings, no description of clothing or food or hairstyles to give us hints... pretty disorienting. I was further confused when you called the baby a "bairn," because I had this idea that they were British, not Scottish.

If this was fantasy, I wouldn't have even blinked at any of the above, but historical fiction is a lot harder, in my opinion. You can't fudge what already happened as easily as you can something that exists only as you think it up.

Hope those comments made sense.... best of luck to you overall. :D
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Wed Dec 31, 2008 6:48 pm
silverSUNLIGHTx says...



Thanks everyone for reviewing this story. I have revised it a bit according to the comments and I think it's much better.
Just to get this straight, this is completely fiction, nothing real about this. I'm not completely sure if you can do that here, but since it's historical fiction I'm guessing I can slide by.
Haha, anyway thanks again.
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Thu Jan 08, 2009 10:53 pm
Midnight Bliss says...



Up close, he could see the cracks in her façade now, with crushing disappointment exuding form every fault. form is supposed to be from. Besides that nice job. Your king is very king. It is very rare for a king to have such compassion. Keep writing i hope u continue this story. It is a very good start. But I think if you're going to continue this you're going to have to put more conflict into this story. Nice job! :D
  





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Sun Jan 11, 2009 4:55 am
Meep(: says...



Interesting, but somehow not entirely realistic.
A king normally wouldn't be so faithful...
especially when there is no child. I think.
And he's rather impulsive, because a king can't just walk into an orphanage and adopt,
Without causing people to talk. It's also hard to find a loyal subject to adopt the child for him,
And at the same time, help him keep a secret that the child is illegitimate.
If the queen truly loved the king, shouldn't she sacrifice herself for the sake of him begetting a child?

I'm asking all these silly questions, but I still liked it :D
Sorry, I'm in a kinky mood.
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Tue Jan 13, 2009 9:05 pm
Kakali says...



I really love the story, its riveting. Only some of the aposterphies were backwards, or something is wrong with them. The details are amazing. You should become a great author one day. The names are kind of original, and I do like some things to be off-beat sometimes.
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Sat Jan 24, 2009 3:36 am
Just_Listen says...



I really like this story, it's kept me entertained. I love your use of words. You will be a great author someday and I look forward to reading more of your stories!
  





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Wed Feb 04, 2009 8:09 pm
The Silenced Rose says...



I agree with pretty much everything that has been said, so I'll try not to repeat that. I'm not sure what to make of these characters yet, though. The king does seem a bit...unrealistic in his faithfulness. But I suppose that's my warped view.... :X

A bit of the grammar/punctuation is off, mostly in dialogue, so maybe watch out for that. I like the descriptions, though; they're clearly thought out and mostly well executed, if not a tad too...poetic, I suppose.

Previously mentioned nitpicks aside, however, I'm really liking this. Your writing style has a certain flair to it that makes the reading quite enjoyable. It'll be very interesting, I think, to see how this 'fool them into thinking we had a baby' plan turns out. :P
  








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