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Eight periods in the life



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Thu Dec 18, 2008 8:17 pm
MADD94 says...



Hi, this is the beginning of something, that i overloaded with information, and i want to keep most of it, but it has to be rearranged. I really want to have this story but it needs some major changes. I edited the language to have more views and be more appropriate, but the final will be full of swears, to be more accurate. But i need to know what to keep, lose ,and save for later. I'm not looking for grammatical errors as again the placement of information already given. this is the beginning and it's not finished, but i want to get a better idea for how to continue. THANK YOU FOR READING

_____________
Eight periods in the life: Halloween


Sombrero? Check. Pajamas? Check. Shirt? Check. Tooth brush? Check. Booze? Check. Alright, let’s go. I packed all the items I had gathered into my backpack, padding my bottle of Jack Daniels so it wouldn’t make a sound when I am around my dad. I bolted down the stairs, ready for the night that would ensue. It was Halloween and I was ready to party. I gotta get out of here Penelope’s house is far away, about an hour, and I don’t want to miss a minute of trick or treat.

“Hey you ready to go?” my dad asks, I wonder what kind of plans, if any, he has tonight.

“I am most definitely!” I exclaimed. All of Penney’s hot friends are going to be there and sleep over, and I am itching to see more girls in slutty costumes than I already have in school today. Penelope and Sam are definitely my favorite cousins.

I got in the car my dad started the engine, and I was on my way to a night that promised awesomeness. I held my bag tight so that the whiskey will not make a splash against the glass bottle. Dad wasn’t the real threat to being busted. The real threat was Penelope’s dad Uncle Glen. Back in the day he was a major partier; he was the one in my mom’s family that smoked and drank when all the others didn’t. I was paranoid he’d see our plan a mile away, so I start to silently pray. I always get the feeling that he dislikes me. It seems like every time I’m over I screw up and make him dislike me more. If I wasn’t his nephew I think he wouldn’t have me over at all if he had his way. Even if I’m his nephew, I feel that way.

I started with a Hail Mary. Something I have noticed is that if I pray hard enough, and really mean it, God will protect me from being caught.

As we pulled up to the turn onto Penney’s street, I see Uncle Glen driving in the opposite direction. God’s on my side with this one. We pulled into the drive way, and I stepped out, still griping my bag like a life preserver in a freezing ocean. We walked inside and I saw Aunt Jenny and one of Maria’s friends Mom. Maria is Penney’s little sister. She’s short, maybe 5 foot, She’s gonna be…12. 12! Holy crap, no way! She looks 10, and acts 8. This summer she wouldn’t swim in the lake until the last day of camp. I had to convince her that because of global warming, all of the turtles migrated to the southern half of the lake to warm up. It seems like lately she has been a lot more annoying, instead of being more mature. There was one time that I was chilling in her room with Sam and Penney, and I stepped on a bag of Tampax. That was really awkward for me.

Aunt Jenny seems a lot different than Uncle Glen. She always loves having me over. She’s funny, and sometimes shows, a goofy side. That must be where the Penney comes from. Anyway I stepped in and proceeded say.

“Hey Aunt Jenny.”

“Hey Eric, come on in!” she said and looks at my dad.

“How you doing, Bob?” she says. I think it’s gotta be weird for her to talk to her Sister-in-laws-may-as-well-be-blood Ex-husband.

“Well, you know same as everyday.” They get into a talk about politics and the election as I head up stairs to see Penney and her friends. I get to the door at the bottom of the stairs leading to the third floor. I yell,

“Hey! Can I come up? You guys dressed?”

“Erie! Come up we’re all dressed! Penney yells. I walk up to her room to a beautiful scene.

I look around to see Penney, who my eyes automatically faze out, six of hottest minors in Hillsboro County. One of them runs up and gives me a hug. It was Lee, a hot, party veteran, Asian, and just for tonight, a police woman. She’s almost a tie for goofiest girl I have ever met. She’s the same age as Penney, 16 two years older than me. She started partying like two years ago.

I wish was hotter, or less fat, I’d be hotter if I were less fat. What would it be like if I just woke up, ripped, and just went to school? Just imagine what would go down. I’d probably get a lot less crap, and take a lot less too. Most times I just don’t even get mad, I just don’t care. One time a kid in my gym class pantsed me, only my short, but in the middle of gym. There weren’t many people in there at the time. I just stared at my shorts lying on my feet, shrugged then pulled them up.

So, Lee gives me a big hug and says.

“Erie! How you been doing? It’s been a wicked long time since I’ve seen you!”

“Lee, that was a week!” I said laughing she stopped hugging me and steps back. She turned her head diagonally to the left hand a puzzling look crosses her face.

“Oh Yeah! Ha-ha I forgot about that.” Last weekend I was over for Penneys’ birthday. I had a robotic baby for teen relationships, eighth period. My teacher asked me if that makes me think twice about having sex. I nodded, but the only thing I learn was to pull out. All the girls in the room were there last weekend. We went to a haunted house and then hung around. My Uncle Glen made me go back with Aunt Jenny and Penneys’ friend Dillon because she couldn’t handle how scary the haunted house was. My Uncle pressured Aunt Jenny to bring me back because I left the baby in the car. My Uncle Pretty much hates me.

“Hey, Eric.” they all said at different times. I walked over and sat on the bed while they continued a conversation I wasn’t listening to. I’m focused on the fact that I will be drunk, and at least a couple of them will be drunk, and wonder if I could at least make out with one of them. That would make the night even if we get caught but, Gods got my back.

I see six awesome costumes, a Go-Go Girl; she’s like a D cup, forcing them into a C sized dress. That was nice. Her name’s Danielle, she seems like a nice enough person, she’s pretty cool she Looked really good tonight, but I bet that’s not just for her, we’re meeting up other people. I see Kaily; I’ve known her the longest out of any of Penney’s friends. She’s used to hate me I think, when I was over in the past couple years she just wouldn’t talk to me. That ended. I’ve known her for probably six years, third grade was a while back. Dillon I like the most, but not for her looks. Well, it’s hard She’s just really funny, like we started taking video’s of her dancing to “Oops, I did it again”. She knows it by heart.
Last edited by MADD94 on Sat Dec 20, 2008 2:52 am, edited 2 times in total.
Some people call me the space cowboy
  





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Fri Dec 19, 2008 2:50 am
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JosephDean says...



Okay... Let's take this one step at a time, shall we? :)

Eight periods in the life: Halloween


Is "the" really necessary? Is it a specific life that requires "the"? Just wondering; it reads oddly.

Sombrero, check, pajamas, check, shirt, check, tooth brush, check, booze, Check.


Wow that is the biggest comma splice I've ever seen. I suggest using question marks and periods. Make a sentence out of each word. "Sombrero? Check. Pajamas? Check." and so-on.

Alright, let’s go.


Who are you talking to? Don't use plural first person words if the character is not speaking to another.

I packed all the items I had gathered into my backpack, padding my bottle of Jack Daniels so it [s]won’t[/s] wouldn't make a sound when I am around my dad.


You need to keep your past tense verbs.

It’s Halloween and I am ready to party. I gotta get out of here Penelope’s house is far away, about an hour, and I don’t want to miss a minute of trick or treat.

“Hey you ready to go?” my dad asks, I wonder what kind of plans, if any, he has tonight.

“I am most defiantly!” I exclaimed.


Ugh. *clears throat* PICK ONE VERB TENSE. STICK WITH IT. :P It's really confusing when it goes present/past/present/past with each paragraph.

Can I rant for a second? Oh my god, if I see that word again... I hate that everyone misspells "definitely," and when the first word they see on Microsoft Word's (or w/e) correction list is "defiantly," they automatically choose it. No, I'm not picking on you. I'm picking on everyone because they all do it. "Defiantly" is pronounced di-fahy-uhnt-ly and means challenging. The word you want is "definitely".

I got in the car. My dad started the engine, and I was on my way to a night that promised awesomeness.


I held my bag tight, so that the whiskey will not make a splash against the glass bottle.


Omit the comma.

Back in the day he [s]ways[/s] was a major partier; he was the one in my mom's family that smoked and drank when all the others didn’t.


I was paranoid he’d see our plan a mile away, so I start to silently pray.


Once again, this is just another example of how you change verb tense. Is the story happening as the narrator tells it, or is he telling what happened in the past? Pick one.

Even if I’m[s],[/s] his nephew, I feel that way.


Move the comma to after "nephew".

Something I have noticed is that if I pray hard enough, and really mean it, God will protect me from being caught.


Capitalise "God".

We pulled into the drive way, and I stepped out, still griping my bag like a life preserver in a freezing ocean.


Comma where indicated. It's a compound sentence - two subjects, two verbs.

“Hey Eric, come on in!” she says and looks at my dad.


Period to end the sentence.

“How you doing, Bob?” she says. I think it’s gotta be weird for her to talk to her sister-in-laws-may-as-well-be-bloods’ ex-husband.


Comma where indicated. It's a direct address. What's with the random capitalisations? :P

“Eri! Come up we’re all dressed!" Penney yells. I walk up to her room to a beautiful [s]seen[/s] scene.


You need your ending quotation. The word you need is "scene". "Seen" is the past participle tense of "to see".

I look around to see Penney, who my eyes automatically faze out, six of hottest minors in Hillsboro County has to offer. One of them runs up and gives me a hug. It was Lee, a hot, party veteran, Asian, and just for tonight, a police woman. She’s almost a tie for goofiest girl I have ever met. She’s the same age as Penney, 16 two years older than me. She started partying like two years ago. I wish was hotter, or less fat, I’d be hotter if I were less fat. What would it be like if I just woke up, ripped, and just went to school? Just imagine the stuff that would go down. I’d probably get a lot less crap, and take a lot less too. Most times I just don’t even get mad, I just don’t care. One time a kid in my gym class pantsed me, only my short, but in the middle of gym. There weren’t many people in there at the time. I just stared at my shorts lying on my feet, shrugged then pulled them up. So, Lee gives me a big hug and says.

“Erie! How you been doing? It’s been a wicked long time since I’ve seen you!”


Uh... That huge paragraph covers way more than one topic. I think it changed three times? Also, that last sentence should be down to the next paragraph....and joined with it's quote.

So, Lee gives me a big hug and says, "Erie! How you been doing? It's been a wicked long time since I've seen you!"

But yeah, cut up that paragraph.... and fix your commas. Way too many misplaced ones to count. "Well why don't you just show me where they are?" you ask. Well, I'll be honest. I'm not going to tear into it. This is where you have to fix your own mistakes :)

“Oh Yeah!


Don't capitalise "Yeah"

“Hey Eric,they all said at different times.


---

Okay so I know I only tore bits of it apart... but I wasn't drawn into it to begin with. I only gave a partial review because no one else was. I wanted to be nice on some level :P Given your age, I can safely say that it just sounds like you wanted to describe female anatomy. Seriously, because that's all that was translated across. You need to stop focusing on that, lol, and give more of a plotline. So this kid wants to go get hammered at a Halloween party? Okay... so are they going to get caught, is someone going to get pregnant, are the cops going to show, is an axe murderer going to slaughter a few of 'em....? :P Make it more suspenseful or something. Anything to make it more interesting.

I think the majority of people turned away from this just because of all of the errors right off the start.

Good luck with your revisions.
  





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Sat Dec 20, 2008 4:54 am
canislupis says...



Hey there!


I'm really sorry, but reading this, it almost looks like it's bordering between PG-13 and R, and I'm only 13. I know I promised a review, but I don't think I can do this one.

If you post on my page with another story, I'd be happy to review it.

See ya!
~Lupis
  





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Sat Dec 20, 2008 11:40 am
LilyJamey says...



I don't mean to be cruel, but seriously, your punctuation is atrocious! Remember to read through your story for punctuation errors. The story wasn't particularly captivating either, maybe because of the mistakes. Just a few is acceptable, but this many... And your elaborations sound like random sentences that just popped into your mind.

Below are the mistakes that Joseph didn't mention.

I gotta get out of here Penelope’s house is far away, about an hour, and I don’t want to miss a minute of trick or treat.

Firstly, you missed the fullstop between "here" and "Penelope's". Then the tense is different from all the other tenses.

one of Maria’s friends Mom.

I think it should be "Maria's friends' mom." At first I was thinking, what kind of friend would have a name like Mom? Then I reread the sentence.

I had to convince her that because of global warming, all of the turtles migrated to the southern half of the lake to warm up.

Even the stupidest 12 year old wouldn't believe THAT.


As we pulled up to the turn onto Penney’s street, I see Uncle Glen driving in the opposite direction.

I held my bag tight so that the whiskey will not make a splash against the glass bottle.

I packed all the items I had gathered into my backpack, padding my bottle of Jack Daniels so it wouldn’t make a sound when I am around my dad.


“Hey Eric, come on in!” she said and looks at my dad.

Past this point, everything becomes in present tense. Why? It's either one or the other - you can't have it both ways. I think I don't need to elaborate on the problem with this sentence. Or the ones right before it.

Anyway I stepped in and proceeded say.

“Hey Aunt Jenny.”

"proceeded to say,".

“Well, you know same as everyday.”

Comma.

“Eri! Come up we’re all dressed!"

It should be "Come up, we're all dressed!". I think.

16 two years older than me

You forgot the comma. Again. "16, two years older than me."

I think it’s gotta be weird for her to talk to her Sister-in-laws-may-as-well-be-blood Ex-husband.

I didn't quite understand that last part, but as Joseph said, the capitalisation is a bit weird.

I wish was hotter, or less fat, I’d be hotter if I were less fat.

Shouldn't the punctuation mark between "fat" and "I'd" be a fullstop instead?

One time a kid in my gym class pantsed me, only my short, but in the middle of gym.

"Shorts". Don't forget the "s".

She turned her head diagonally to the left hand a puzzling look crosses her face.

The "diagonally" sounds wrong somehow. "the left hand" should be "the left". Then a comma, before "a puzzled look crossing her face".

My Uncle Pretty much hates me.

The capital letter again.

That would make the night even if we get caught but, Gods got my back.

"God's".

she’s pretty cool she Looked really good tonight, but I bet that’s not just for her, we’re meeting up other people.

"She looked really good tonight,".

Well, it’s hard She’s just really funny, like we started taking video’s of her dancing to “Oops, I did it again”.

Maybe "Well, it's hard to explain. She's just really funny. We once took videos of her dancing to "Oops, I Did It Again", and it was hilarious." would do better.

Aside from the mistakes, try elaborating without straying off topic.
Hope I helped.
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Mon Dec 22, 2008 4:36 am
Carlito says...



MADD94 wrote:
Sombrero? Check. Pajamas? Check. Shirt? Check. Tooth brush? Check. Booze? Check. Alright, let’s go. ((not necessary)) I packed all the items I had gathered into my backpack, padding my bottle of Jack Daniels so it wouldn’t* make a sound when I am* around my dad. I bolted down the stairs, ready for the night that would ensue. It was Halloween and I was ready to party. I gotta get out of here Penelope’s house is far away, about an hour, and I don’t want to miss a minute of trick or treat.**

*: make these verbs agree, they're in different tenses. Either change 'wouldn't' to 'won't' or 'am' to 'was'.
**: This sentence feels awkward to me. It's not completely necessary so if you feel you can live without it then you could take it out. I would say something along the lines of 'I was on my way to Penelope's house to do some serious trick or treating.'

MADD94 wrote:“I am most definitely!” I exclaimed. All of Penney’s hot friends are going to be there and sleep over, and I am itching to see more girls in slutty costumes than I already have in school today. Penelope and Sam are definitely my favorite cousins.

This is really awkward sounding. Starting at 'all of penney's' to the end of this paragraph needs to be reworded. That second sentence (all of penney's...) is really long and could either be broken up or just condensed. Personally, I would just condense it because I don't think all of that information is completely necessary. That last sentence is out of place. It doesn't fit in with the rest of the paragraph. Who is Sam? Why are they the MC's favorite cousins?

MADD94 wrote: I got in the car my dad started the engine, and I was on my way to a night that promised awesomeness.* I held my bag tight so that the whiskey will not make a splash against the glass bottle. Dad wasn’t the real threat to being busted. The real threat was Penelope’s dad Uncle Glen*. Back in the day he was a major partier; he was the one in my mom’s family that smoked and drank when all the others didn’t. I was paranoid he’d see our plan a mile away, so I start to silently pray. I always get the feeling that he dislikes me. It seems like every time I’m over I screw up and make him dislike me more. If I wasn’t his nephew I think he wouldn’t have me over at all if he had his way. Even if I’m his nephew, I feel that way. ***

*: Again, this could be reworded. There is too much here. We don't need to know that he got in the car and then his dad started the engine. That's boring. He left for the party is all you need to know.
**: This took me a second to understand. "my uncle Glen; Penelope's dad" would make more sense to me.
***: 'I think he wouldn't have me...' sounds funny. I would say something like 'If I wasn't his nephew I don't think...'
Also, 'Even if I'm his nephew'...what? He is his nephew so you don't need to say 'even if'.

MADD94 wrote: I started with a Hail Mary. Something I have noticed is that if I pray hard enough, and really mean it, God will protect* me from being caught.

I don't really think 'protect' is the right word here...maybe keep.
Actually now that I've started this next paragraph, why is this paragraph here? He's not at the party yet so why is he already having a drink? You could probably just take out this paragraph, it doesn't add much to the story.

MADD94 wrote: As we pulled up to the turn onto Penney’s street, I see Uncle Glen driving in the opposite direction. God’s on my side with this one. We pulled into the drive way, and I stepped out, still griping my bag like a life preserver in a freezing ocean. We walked inside and I saw Aunt Jenny and one of Maria’s friends Mom. Maria is Penney’s little sister.* She’s short, maybe 5 foot, She’s gonna be…12. 12! Holy crap, no way! She looks 10, and acts 8. **This summer she wouldn’t swim in the lake until the last day of camp. I had to convince her that because of global warming, all of the turtles migrated to the southern half of the lake to warm up. It seems like lately she has been a lot more annoying, instead of being more mature. There was one time that I was chilling in her room with Sam and Penney, and I stepped on a bag of Tampax. That was really awkward for me.

*: 'Maria's friends Mom' when you don't even know who Maria is. Because we learn right after that Penney and Maria are related you can just say 'a friend of Penney's mom'. We already know who Penney is and that just simplifies things. Then to get your descriptions in there just say you saw Penney's little sister, Maria in the room too.
**: Not necessary, actually most of that stuff about Penney doesn't really fit in with the rest of the paragraph and could be taken out.

MADD94 wrote:“How you doing, Bob?” she says. I think it’s gotta be weird for her to talk to her Sister-in-laws-may-as-well-be-blood Ex-husband.

Whoa! What? :)

MADD94 wrote:“Erie! Come up we’re all dressed! Penney yells. I walk up to her room to a beautiful scene.

That's kind of an awkward thing to yell out to someone.

MADD94 wrote:I look around to see Penney, who my eyes automatically faze out, six of hottest minors in Hillsboro County.* One of them runs up and gives me a hug. It was Lee, a hot, party veteran, Asian, and just for tonight, a police woman. She’s almost a tie for goofiest girl I have ever met. She’s the same age as Penney, 16 two years older than me. She started partying like two years ago.

*: This made absolutely no sense to me. He turns around and see's Penney and he doesn't even notice her because he sees six really hot young people?

MADD94 wrote:So, Lee gives me a big hug and says.

This is kind of an awkward transition. The MC just finished talking about himself and now it's back to Lee. You could probably take out that paragraph about the MC talking about himself or move it to a different spot. Not sure where, just not in the middle of a scene or dialogue.

“Oh Yeah! Ha-ha I forgot about that.” Last weekend I was over for Penneys’ birthday. I had a robotic baby for teen relationships, eighth period. My teacher asked me if that makes me think twice about having sex. I nodded, but the only thing I learn was to pull out. *All the girls in the room were there last weekend. We went to a haunted house and then hung around. My Uncle Glen made me go back with Aunt Jenny and Penneys’ friend Dillon because she couldn’t handle how scary the haunted house was. My Uncle pressured Aunt Jenny to bring me back because I left the baby in the car. My Uncle Pretty much hates me.[/quote]
*: I have no idea why this is in here. It doesn't have anything to do with what's going on right now, just take it out.
Okay, now that I've read the rest of the paragraph it probably just needs to be condensed and rephrased. The stuff that's underlined should be taken out. The un-underlined stuff is all that's really necessary to know.

I noticed a lot of verb confusion going on in this. Some verbs are in the present and some are in the past. Pick one and stick with it.

It's a rough start, but it's a start. :)
If you want me to look over it again just send me a PM.

Don't get discouraged, this has potential! :D

-Carly
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

I want to read your work!

Ask me anything. Talk to me about anything. Seriously. My PM box is always open <3
  








By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.
— Winston Churchill