Young Writers Society

An angel now
sings to me sweet
telling me,
to just breathe.

I rustle slow,
still wrapped in the sheets.
I shudder, I shake,
a breath I intake.

I open my eyes,
smile and wake,
through your fine hair,
my fingers rake.

I pull you close,
kissing your lips,
my hands, so gentle,
cling to your hips.

I stare into eyes,
seas of bright green,
Your cheeks my lips brush,
As I watch your soft blush.

I cradle your face,
and know that you're mine.
for now and for ever,
our fates remain twined.

Hey, Pyro!

This is a cute piece. In the second last stanza, you've spelled green as 'greeen', So that's the only correction I can find myself making. The short lines and few stanzas on this poem is what uplifts it. There is some great talent here.

And I find that the poem is alright with the already existing last stanza. I'm looking forward to reading more from you. Keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza

Heyyyy Pyro! Dogs here with your review for the day! Firstly I really like this piece, it's short, simple, and cute. I really love the imagery you throw in there, especially when you say:

"I stare into your eyes,
seas of bright green"

My favorite line right there. Great imagery really painting out the green eyes for the reader. Really my only complaint for this piece is that you use a lot of simple words. Simple boring words, don't get me wrong this sounds great and everything and i would suggest you don't change anything, but for your next piece i suggest you broaden your vocabulary. Put a little more PIZZAZ in your poetry! If you are having troubles doing that i suggest you look up a simple word in a Thesaurus and then choose a more advanced word from that last. It makes your poetry sound a thousand times better. Wellll thats all i have to say. Keep up the good work!!!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh

I rustle slow,still wrapped in the sheets[quote][/quote] wow.. I can relate to that and i'ts perfect in that occasion!!
You got some seroius skills and this really made me reflect over a few things. My loved once and so.. I guess i'm just the type who findes depth in everything heh

- anyways a great poem and just keep writing!

Was posting this at 11:11 intentional?



First stanza is lovely. I like the sincerity of your work. Never really sounds forced... it just sounds like you, I guess. If that makes sense.... yeah. Haha. One thing that may help you on that last line: instead of "remain twined," you could replace it with "intertwined." Could, but don't really have to-- it's just a suggestion c: You and imagery are definitely buddies.

An angel now
sings to me sweet sweetly? Eather works though.
telling me,
to just breathe. I love this stanza so much. It made me catch my breath. Nicely done! It raw, yet perfectly done that way.

I rustle slow,
still wrapped in the sheets., You have a . and , here
I shudder, I shake,
a breath i intake. I needs to be in Uppercase form.

I open my eyes,
smile and wake, Gramaticly I believe a period would do a better job here.
through your fine hair,
my fingers rake. Don't get me wrong, I love this stanza but even though it rhymes the word 'rake' is weird. I feel like you need something more gentle. That's more personal prefrence though.

I pull you close,
kissing your lips,
my hands, so gentle,
cling to your hips.
You use a lot of commas throughout the poem. Your almost to the point of over using them. Commas are your friend, don't exhaust them! Oh, and this doesn't mean make every thing with periods or make fragmented sentances.

I stare into eyes,
seas of bright green, Period, or change the uppercase Your
Your cheeks my lips brush,
As I watch your soft blush.

I cradle your face,
and know that you're mine. I think this would run more smoothly if you used knowing.
fFor now and for ever, forever is one word.
our fates remain twined. Perhaps intertwined?

Now on to less gramaticle things! I really liked this piece. I had a few favorite stanzas, but there are also I few cliche ones. Sorry pyro I'll have to finish this later my internet is dying!

This is soooo sweet! It makes me smile. I love the way the narartor spoke of her love. Truly bueatiful, nicely done. The last stanza is my favorite.

Hey Pyro, here as requested!

I'm not much of a poet, so please take what I say with a grain of salt!

Your poem was very sweet, and your imagery was nice and light, easy to picture. I feel like you could have used phrases that weren't so familiar; they had a cliché feel to them, and I think you could have spruced up the piece by coming up with different, more original ways of describing how you're feeling. It's a good piece, but it also has a very familiar feel, like it's something that I've read/heard in a song before, just because it's so simple and usual. What I really want to see is something pop out; the descriptions to really be unique and fresh, a new way of looking at something that people have written about for ages. And I realize that's not the easiest thing to do, but I think that it would really make your piece stand out and be more memorable.

As for the last stanza, I personally prefer it the way you have it. The other one you wrote makes it feel a little more physical, instead of it seeming more like you're soul mates and forever will be, on a level that's deeper than just physical attractiveness and love, etc.

Overall, I think it's a very sweet piece! You did a good job with it. Let me know if you've got any questions or whatnot.

Cheers!
~Hawk

I enjoyed reading the whole poem, I'm going to say this and I don't want to sound weird but the title sort of made me think of zombies and when I read the poem I couldn't believe I had that thought in my head, it was a beautiful poem to read,

An angel now
sings to me sweet
telling me,
to just breathe

this was my favorite stanza, it really dragged me in.
the poem was great.

This is the sort of poetry I try to write... really enjoyed it