Young Writers Society

I know this is a very raw poem, but its from the heart?

Loves for the birds in the trees,
but babe I don’t know,
if I could stand the image of
you without me.

They flutter and fly;
singing the melody of love,
I’ll never understand why.

But will you be my bird?
Listen to my every word,
sung out in the hope you will hear.

I created your own tune,
and I’ve sang it
under every moon.

I know no matter how far way
we will share the moon
no matter how long you stay.

We can share a heart,
and I know we already do
cause the birds
just started singing our tune.

Love's for the birds in the trees,
but babe I don’t know,
if I could stand the image of
you without me.

A very good start, just missed a comma in "love's". It did keep me reading, though and I like he mood it sets.

They flutter and fly;
singing the melody of love,
I’ll never understand why.

I like the rhyme there, I just don't know if it fits with the rest of the poem. Though this verse does seem important, so I'd leave it.

But will you be my bird?
Listen to my every word,
sung out in the hope you will hear.

I created your own tune,
and I’ve sang it
under every moon.

Ah, now I've got the pattern. Alright, so it does flow. Very interesting pattern, I'm starting to like it. Only thing is, instead of "I've created your own tune" I think "I've created our own tune" would fit a little better, since you use "our" later in reference to it.

I know no matter how far way
we will share the moon
no matter how long you stay.

We can share a heart,
and I know we already do
cause the birds
just started singing our tune.

I love this ending, but I feel like those two stanzas belong together, not separate. I know that would make it a little too long for the pattern but they look like they should be together.

Overall, I liked it quit a bit. I like the mood and though this is a topic man have done before, you managed to make it unique, and I applaud you for that. Well done!

Keep writing!
-Greena

Hi Boo! Okay I just have to first point out I love your username. From my glance over I saw that Greena has given you some good advice on your grammar so I will stick just to content. Like you said, this is a pretty raw poem, but I still like it.

The rhythm was good, but I found that in each stanza it was tweaked just a tiny bit so it was never perfect at any one time. That was okay until this stanza:

But will you be my bird?
Listen to my every word,
sung out in the hope you will hear.

When the rhyming scheme was completely thrown off I stumbled while reading out loud. I thought I missed a line because you never had two lines that rhymed touching each other before. It made me pause because it disrupted the rhythm as well and that isn't good. I suggest you rewrite this stanza somehow.

The only other problem I saw was here:

I created your own tune,
and I’ve sang it
under every moon.

I know no matter how far way
we will share the moon
no matter how long you stay.

I don't like the repetition of the word 'moon' just sounded off to me. Later when you reused the word 'tune' it worked for some reason, but this time it didn't. 'under every moon' sounded a bit weird, but when you said 'we will share the moon' it just turned wacky. Not only because 'moon' and 'moon' obviously rhyme, but the repeated words are just too close together. Plus, it is the ending of both lines so it just makes it more obvious... But I am ranting aren't I?

For some reason I feel like your last stanza should be:

We can share a heart,
and I know we already do
cause the birds
just started singing our tune too.

- so that you keep the rhyming scheme correctly!

Besides that I love your poem. It may be a common topic, but I felt like it was sweet and it reminded me of teenage romance. If you have any questions just P.M. me. I hope I helped even a little!

- Calli <3