Young Writers Society

She came as a warrior,
and left as a child.
Failure that flooded her dream
tacked her down to evil.
Her heart seemed mild
but inside it screamed for the lost,
wept for the forgotten,
and mourned for the hurt.
Her goals had been the cost
for every piece of armor she shed
walls were set on fire.

WOW! Ok first thing that hits me is the sense of pure emotion. Its so briliantly deep.Shows every tiny feeling. Amazing!

Then as I read on I get sucked into the piece of writing. Very gripping.
I can really empathise for this "child warrior" . Which goes to show that if you use the right descriptions the more the reader understands the emotions your trying to express.

Hope this helps!
I'm a newbie here at YWS and This was my 2nd review . So I am sorry if its a bit rubbish . Hopefully I will Improve In my Reviewing style.
Thank you

Lorna
Xx

Hiya!

Well Here it is, there was emtion but really it seemed like you were thinking with your brain's emotions instead of your hearts. Kind of see what I mean? Its not a bad thing but it does have a feel of deep emotion and great understanding of what you wrote, which is very nice.

By all means dont take this harshly, Im only a story writer and poems are things I can fix with emotions and flow of verses. So if Im being to mean, I dont mean to at all. Now on to the poem of yours!



And again, please dont take this as harsh I dont mean to. Thanks,
~~Randi (A.K.A Alabaster)

Hey, Boo!

I like what you’ve got here—it shows promise and substance as a good foundation for something that will be even better in the future. I’m quite fond of the first four lines, particularly—the opening of emotion for the dream-broken and defeated. It’s a universal feeling you have here, and you hit it pretty well, though there are places where we can improve.

And I’m going to be honest: my only real critique comes towards the last two lines, where it feels like the poem either 1.) takes a turn in a completely different direction, or 2.) tries to add on a layer, which I think it may fail to do.

So let’s look at the entirety of the poem, the direction it took us, and where the last two lines tie in.

“She came as a warrior, and left as a child.” There was a complete change in her life, in her personality. And I love completely that you’ve left this vague; normally I request details, but the habitat of the poem you’ve created doesn’t quite need them, if that makes sense. But this implied change opens us up for clarification, which comes in the next two lines. “Failure that flooded her dream (drop the comma) tacked her down to evil.” It’s the crushing blow that one feels when her dreams have been completely destroyed—changing a brave warrior into a child. Bingo. So prospect #1 of the poem has been accomplished in just the first four lines.

Do you think that’s a good thing or bad? I’m not sure I have a clear opinion on whether the meaning should be stretched or not, but I think I’m quite comfortable with it where it is. Food for thought, anyway.

“Her heart seemed mild, but inside it screamed for the lost, wept for the forgotten, and mourned for the hurt.” This opens up a new characteristic of the girl—a duality of emotions that she holds up. So this gives our subject some personality that is needed, and it makes me instantly connect it with you. It makes this poem personal, like you’re describing yourself.

The next few lines agitate me a bit because they run into each other. “Her goals had been the cost for every piece of armor she shed walls were set on fire.” See the need for a split? The sentence can go two ways, but you haven’t given us an indication of which is right. And if you did it intentionally, then applause for you, but know that it’s annoying, in a strong way.

And then we hit the last two lines, particularly the last that bothers me. “An open book from beginning to end. A book never to be read.”

Now, how I took these two lines is as a parallel between the girl and her “dream”—that to become an author or poet, I suppose. And if that’s the case, then yes, it works quite well. But since the dream was wrapped up in the first four lines, this motif coming in at the end doesn’t quite connect how it needs to, so perhaps some repositioning would be nice, after all. At this point, it does seem quite obvious that you’re paralleling the girl to her behavior/dreams, and the lines that confused me without punctuation will have much to say about this.

But yes. That’s mostly food for thought, and less of a “fix this” critique. I hope this helps.

-Lumi

I absolutely adore it and have no changes other than the last two lines.

I don't understand how they fit.
But keep it up!
I loved it.

Sincerely,
Ciara<3