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do i include this line in the second draft?

Poll ended at Fri Jun 15, 2018 11:55 am

yes
3
60%
no
2
40%
 
Total votes : 5


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Thu Jun 14, 2018 11:55 am
soundofmind says...



what is the line, you ask?

"Wow, he's so hot he set his clothes on fire..."


context? someone's clothes got caught on fire (though not actually because they were attractive)

should i go to sleep now? probably
Last edited by soundofmind on Thu Jun 14, 2018 12:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Thu Jun 14, 2018 12:29 pm
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Panikos says...



It's hard to say without knowing more about the wider context and the general tone of the novel. On its own, it sounds a bit cheesy, but it depends on the delivery and who is saying/thinking it. Would you be able to give us the paragraph it's part of?
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Thu Jun 14, 2018 12:41 pm
soundofmind says...



lol, I get you @darkpandemonium

I would give you the blurb it’s part of but I’m so embarassed about my bad writing from the first draft I’m very hhhhhesitant to ha.

Basically character A gets in a fight with a foe who can use fire magic. Character B is in the fight with the foes plural. Character A gets burned and rolls to get the fire out and it’s not until post-fight when all of the foes are defeated that B looks over to A and thinks this to themselves. Character B can be pretty cheesy and occasionally delivers bad jokes so I don’t think it’s ooc and I think it COULD be played off well... it’s more just that.... me writing up to that point, I’d have to establish that B is attracted to A to some degree. Which like was sort of done in the original but not WELL lol so I think the reason I’m scared to do the line is cause I’d have to figure out how to write a sort of light crush well (not my comfort zone). And the reasons I want to include the line are cause I think if done well it could be really funny?

Also it was kind always an iconic line in my head so it’s a little hard to let go HAHA

but uh! does that help? or make sense?
  





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Thu Jun 14, 2018 12:42 pm
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soundofmind says...



me: immediately regretting making this poll ...... realizing this won’t be nearly half as funny to anyone as it is to me lol
  





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Thu Jun 14, 2018 12:46 pm
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Panikos says...



That does help a bit, though I'm still hesitant to say whether you should/shouldn't scrap it when I haven't read the thing for myself. The one thing I will say is that I wouldn't include the line without establishing the light crush beforehand, because I reckon it'll just wrong-foot your reader if you come out with that joke off the bat. Still, if it's not OOC for the character, I don't see why you shouldn't be able to keep it. Always be prepared to kill your darlings, though. :P
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Thu Jun 14, 2018 12:56 pm
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soundofmind says...



tfw i shouldn’t have made a poll i should’ve just like.... asked for a second opinion but i’m just extra i guess

THANKS SO MUCH PAN. I think you just motivated me to kill the line ha. It’s a great memory but I think in the long run, it just doesn’t fit at that point in the story. Or rather, I don’t wanna work around it to make it fit since it’s just one little line.

SO THANK U
  





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Thu Jun 14, 2018 2:05 pm
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Panikos says...



Glad I could help! :D
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