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Young Writers Society


Theology Arguement



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25 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 492
Reviews: 25
Wed Nov 25, 2020 6:02 pm
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Samk642 says...



writing a short piece on what was compelling and lacking about the argument of the complexity of a human being. I am going to post a rough draft here. would love critiques and edit help. thanks to all you wonderful people!!



Sam Keeley
Mr. Thurman
Theology 7
24 Nov. 2020
Smelly Paper
The video was an excellent argument over the complexity of the human body and mind. The key point in the video's argument was that human beings are of unimaginable complexity and importance. The main argument of this line of thinking being tangential to the premise that there exists nothing like us in the universe, beings with a physical body inhabited by a non temporal soul. Lower than being of pure spirit, but still able to reason, love, and have free will. Humans have the ability to self conceptualize another entity outside themselves
When arguing for the complexity of the human being, the first place that the video looks to assist in its argument of our uniqueness is the vast complexity of our physical body. The trillions of cells that are alive and all working in tandem to produce us in our physical form. The crown jewel of the body, the human brain. Over one billion synapses in a piece of brain matter the size of a grain of sand. The second point that the video went to was the irrefutable distinction between the mind and the brain. Just because the brain is damaged does not mean that the mind is damaged. Jean Bauby wrote a book while paralyzed. I have read that book, it's called The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, and it is a testament to the power of a human soul to endure, regardless of what may come. The undying love of a father that all he wanted to do was hold his boy one more time. The undying optimism of a spirit that refused to be broken. The absolute faith that things work out how they are supposed to.
The weak points of the argument are prevalent in how a human being is contrived in having emotion and thought processes. There are animals that exist which can reason, plan ahead and even have a “cultural memory” of sorts. Crows are an excellent example of this, being able to have social structures, remember how humans treated them for generations, and even create and use tools to solve problems. Their logic abilities sometimes will even outstrip chimpanzees! Dolphins have an understanding of what they are, and that humans are different.
  





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Fri Nov 27, 2020 6:38 am
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Liminality says...



Hi there!

1. I think the general line of argument you have makes sense. You go from an overview of the video's thesis, before examining some points you agree with, followed by the point you disagreed with or found weaker.

2. It might be helpful to put each point in a separate paragraph, as well as to state the point as succinctly as possible in the first sentence of that paragraph. Currently, your second paragraph contains 2 points, and I think it would be clearer if you separated them: Paragraph two being about "the complexity of the human body" and paragraph three being about "the separation between the mind and the brain".

3. In terms of writing style, the statements in the opening paragraph can get a bit repetitive. Starting the first three sentences with "The . . . " might be unnecessary. Maybe you could mix things up a bit, for example, start the second sentence "According to the video, . . . ".

4. I also think your piece could benefit from some more signpost words, especially where you transition between the topic sentence/argument and your examples:
The trillions of cells that are alive and all working in tandem to produce us in our physical form. The crown jewel of the body, the human brain. Over one billion synapses in a piece of brain matter the size of a grain of sand.

This is a list of examples, which you might want to connect together to make the argument flow better and seem more convincing to your reader. For instance:
The video argues that humans are unique because of the complexity of our bodies. This can be seen in how trillions of cells are coordinated within our physical form. Another example of this complexity would also be how brain matter the size of a grain of sand can contain over one billion synapses.


Hope that helps!
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What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it. That doesn't happen much, though.
— J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye