Young Writers Society

hey everyone. i've decided to continue a story i've been working on and there's going to be numerous instances of close quarters combat involving hand-to-hand and hand weapons such as swords. i've been told that my writing style when it comes to combat makes the action come off as the script of a stage play. in other words, i'm too descriptive. here's an example of this:

Andrew raised his sword over his head and brought it down, meaning to cleave his enemy's head in two. His opponent brought his hand ups and caught the blade between them, quickly forcing the blade to the side, causing Andrew to stumble and lose his grip. Andrew drew his dagger from its sheath while his opponent flipped the sword end-for-end, grasping the hilt. Andrew knew he had to keep the distance close and lunged at the man. Etc.

is this too descriptive? i mean, is combat like this exciting to read, given that the plot and involved characters are interesting? or should i be more vague and compress the action to keep the plot moving?

It's too action-focused.

You have a constant set of "he did this" "he knew that" "the blade did this". Most people can't picture sword fights in detail.

Characters have to be interesting throughout. You can't lose their emotional reaction to what's going on, because then you've lost the character. A blow-by-blow fight scene doesn't tell us how it feels to be in a fight scene— it gives us, well, a screenplay of that fight scene. Novels are about getting into the character's skin, not watching them.

Focus on how it feels to be in the fight. When your character is scared, triumphant, in pain, struggling to breathe from exhaustion or injuries, feeling the adrenalin build up so they'll be ready, feeling it drain away at the end.

Don't give us a play by play.

I agree with Rosey! Details, details! More emotion. I'd love to know how he's feeling at that moment.

It's actually very interesting to read. I don't think you were overdoing the details, honestly. I like detailed action scenes! I just feel like there could be more to the scene, y'know? More emotion, more thoughts, more feeling, so the reader can connect and truly be drawn into the story.

Other than that, your idea sounds awesome!

so what i'm gathering is, detail can be good, but characters shouldn't take a back seat to the fight. continue character development as the fight progresses.

lemme try again:

His enemy was open, and Andrew saw the opportunity for a quick kill. He raised his sword over his head and brought it down, meaning to cleave his enemy's head in two. His opponent brought his hand ups and caught the blade between them, quickly forcing the blade to the side, causing Andrew to stumble and lose his grip. He was momentarily awestruck by this advanced technique, and an incoherent, confused inner monologue raced through his head. Andrew wondered if he was about to die. Not if I can help it, the inner monologue returned. Andrew drew his dagger from its sheath while his opponent flipped the sword end-for-end, grasping the hilt. Andrew knew he had to keep the distance close and lunged at the man. If I don't get him this time, it's over, Andrew desperately thought.

is that improved? by the way the above is not actually what i'm working on, it's something i made up on the spot ^-^

Better. I personally think you're trying too hard to make this feel "epic", and still have too much distance between protagonist and reader. But that's me.

I'm wondering why you had a two handed blade block, though. Is this a fantasy setting with magic that prevents people from getting blade injuries? I ask because if you pull that move in real life your hand is getting sliced through and the blade is still hitting your head.

If you're going for the ninja technique, that would be accomplished with shuko and look a lot more like this.

Rosey Unicorn wrote:Better. I personally think you're trying too hard to make this feel "epic", and still have too much distance between protagonist and reader. But that's me.

I'm wondering why you had a two handed blade block, though. Is this a fantasy setting with magic that prevents people from getting blade injuries? I ask because if you pull that move in real life your hand is getting sliced through and the blade is still hitting your head.

i'm not trying to make it feel anything, that's the way i naturally narrate combat. perhaps you could give me some tips on improving it? this is a subject i'm having some difficulty grasping.

and, like i said before, this example was made up as i went and is only intended to demonstrate my writing style. it is not part of any story.

Honestly there are no tips I can give you except determine what feel you want the reader to come away with. Your transition between triumphant and potentially getting killed showed a complete lack of fear, only registering as awe.

Emotional transitions have to make sense, and you have to determine what each one would be. Fights, for me, are less about admiring the others' skills and more about focusing on surviving.

You have to think like a fighter. Somebody who has weapons training thinks differently in a fight than you or I, and you have to get into that mindset, along with figuring out what variances your character specifically will have based on their fighting style and personality. Some are scrambling and others are calm. Their mindset is also determined by their experience; the former will be a beginner, the latter is likely a master.

The type of fighting style and their confidence in it can also shape their personality outside of fighting; knowing how to fight can either boost or lower confidence, depending on whether or not the person likes knowing how to fight or feels that they shouldn't.

You can't just "write a fight". You have to write characters fighting. While they sound similar, they're very different. Writing a fight means you can pull from stock moves and make it flashy. Writing characters fighting means you take two people, with their own favourite moves, weaknesses, blind spots, styles, and skill levels, and pit them against each other.

The former is boring. The latter is good writing.

Lose the list-like approach, be effective with short sentence length and, as Rosey suggests, focus on character.

Here's a quick draft example encompassing my tips:

This was it. The wretch stood in front of Andrew and nothing could change his mind. If it weren't for the anger in his veins the sword might have been heavy, but his boiling blood saw that it felt light and he was agile. His opponent went for him first; he was keen eyed and just as angry. Andrews dodged the lunge and pulled to the left, his hands gripped tight as he raised the two-handed sword to the skies. Now, now was the moment! He pulled it hard down towards his skull. All of his might wanted this, all of his fury egged him on, but his opponent was too quick. He rolled out of the way and for Andrew it was too late. His heart sunk as the sword fell crashing against the land, spinning out of his iron grip.

(Unedited, so don't judge too harshly, but it gives you more character-led combat.)

I have to say I think there is quite an improvement between your first and second edit of that little scrap. It's impressive that you took the tips on board and managed to improve so quickly.

Keep working on it and get plenty of feedback. Action scenes are probably some of the hardest to write. Often it's because we naturally want to make it quick and sharp, but literature is different to movies because it kind of drags you into a more in depth, slow motion version of what's happening.

Try going the complete opposite way. Overly describe *everything*, spend three sentences on every movement. Then you can just cut away the excess. That means not only will you have more chance to learn and expand but staring at two opposite ends of the scale will give you a better idea of what works for both your reader and for you.

you bring up a good point, @Tenyo, in that i'm kind of stuck in movie-mode where you can't blink or you'll miss a move. when i envision the fight in my head, i want to directly translate the actions into words to make it fast-paced. what i've learned from this thread and elsewhere (namely the battle scenes in my first short story that were torn apart by reviewers) that this just isn't an effective way of writing. most of the intense play-by-play is lost in translation between seeing and reading.

what i've taken away from all this is that characters don't stop thinking and feeling just because they're in a fight. thanks everyone for all the great tips!

Characters not only don't stop thinking and feeling while in a fight, they start to have hormones pump through their body that makes them feel more intensely.

Namely, the fight or flight response. There's also adrenaline in general.

Strong hormones change how you think about everything. They narrow your focus, sharpen your senses, numb pain, and make you vibrate with energy.

After those go away, you crash, pain goes over you in a wash, and you're exhausted.

Your biology can be different, but it does dictate a lot of what you're focusing on. Why I said fights are more about survival than anything else; your body is literally using everything it has to keep you alive in a legit fight.