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Young Writers Society


changing from one sentence to another



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Sat Nov 20, 2010 4:58 am
lakegirls says...



So, this question is hard to explain so I thought I'd give an example.

Example :) :

Rain rushed from the gray sky, falling on my jacket and tangling my hair as I raced up the steps. The door was never locked; so I twisted the knob and was greeted with the silence of my house. The normal buzz of people wasn’t there when I entered. Something was wrong. My Mom sat alone at the kitchen table, a mug of tea in front of her, it was untouched. Her head hadn’t perked up when the door had swung open either, something was definitely wrong.
“Mom?” I asked as I unzipped my jacket. No answer came. “Mom, when are we going to see Dad?”
With just one look at her teary hazel eyes I knew that I would never see my Dad again, never hear his voice or ridiculous laugh, never see his smile. Never.


He was strong and confident like a stallion, never stern or unkind, but simply strong. Not so much physically, but strong emotionally. I believed that he could be hit with a ten foot building of emotions and never shed a tear. Or, so I thought when I was young and naive, when I didn’t have a clue about reality, when I didn’t know all the suffering that my family would face. My Dad wasn’t perfect, like a wild stallion at times, but I knew that my family and I were his world.


The part that is italicized is supposed to play as a sort of prologue, like it happened AFTER the story I'm about to tell, but I'm not sure how I should go about it, should I say something like "5 months before" or just italicize it and let the readers figure it out?


HELP?!
Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else.
-Gloria Steinem
  





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Sat Nov 20, 2010 6:17 am
Azila says...



Hullo!

Yes, I think it works fine having it in italics. Though if you don't like that, you could always put some sort of devision in between the paragraphs, like a bunch of dashes or some asterisks or something. Or I suppose you could think about changing the writing style. Since the first paragraph is (I believe) from a child's perspective, you could try making the narrative itself feel childish. And scared. Then, when you switch to the second paragraph, where the writing is beautifully nostalgic and much more mature, the jump will be obvious. You could also change tenses, I guess. The flashback could be in past tense and the rest in present.

But really, I think italics are fine.
  





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Sun Nov 21, 2010 1:23 am
lakegirls says...



Hi, just wondering if you think this has a more childlike voice to it?

Rain fell from the grey sky, falling on my jacket and tangling my hair as I raced up the front steps of my house. My door was never locked; so I twisted the doorknob and was greeted with a silent house. The normal buzz of people wasn’t there when I entered. Something was wrong. My Mom sat alone at the kitchen table, a mug of tea in front of her, but she wasn’t after drinking it. Her head hadn’t perked up to see who was at the door when I opened it either, something was definitely wrong.
“Mom?” I asked as I unzipped my jacket. No answer came. “Mommy, when are we going to see Dad?”
With just one look at her teary hazel eyes I knew that I would never see my Dad again, never hear his voice or ridiculous laugh, never see his smile. Never.



Love,
N xoxo
Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else.
-Gloria Steinem
  





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Sun Nov 21, 2010 5:28 am
Azila says...



Hi!

That sounds somewhat childish, but not overwhelmingly childish. ^.^ If you're going to rely only on the change in narrative style to distinguish the two sections, the change needs to be drastic. But it also depends on how old you want the child to be -- the change would be drastic enough if they went from six years old to twenty years old, but maybe you want them to be twelve in the beginning and sixteen in the end? I'm not sure exactly what you want to do with this, so it's hard for me to help you much. Is this posted somewhere on YWS? If so, I'll look at it if you want me to.

Shoot me a PM if you want to talk about it!
a
  








I was weeping as much for him as her; we do sometimes pity creatures that have none of the feeling either for themselves or others.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights