Young Writers Society

Hello, Feather here!

I'm writing an urban fantasy (White Raven, Night Crow) and one of the main characters is genderfluid. However, I'm not genderfluid myself, and was hoping I could get some more insight on to who this character is and how their experiences have shaped them.

I was hoping to hear from some of you about your experiences and what it is like to be genderfluid; if I understand correctly, it is identifying as more than one gender that changes at different times or circumstances? I was hoping for some insight onto how it is to be genderfluid and how it kind of works.

For some specific questions:
First, what 'triggers' the change between genders?

Which genders do you identify as (like is it just male/female, or is there androgynous or something else, too?)?

Can you compare and contrast what it's like to be each gender?

Thanks!

~ Fea

Disclaimer: I speak only for myself. My experiences may differ from others', especially with such a squishy term.

Technically, I identify as fluidflux (which sounds pretty snazzy imo). That just means that in addition to being genderfluid, I feel each "gender" to varying degrees.

For me, genderfluid is a sliding scale. Sometimes I feel more female, sometimes more male. Quite often I'm close to neutral. Sometimes it's sort of triggered by an event or time, but mostly it's just random, and I'm very rarely all the way to one side or another.

I think I prefer they/them pronouns, but because others have identified me as female my entire life and especially because I am sometimes on the feminine side of things, I'm generally okay with she/her. Occasionally I'll feel a bit of dysphoria, especially with highly gendered terms (like girlfriend, wife, sister, etc). For the most part, though, I'm comfortable to the point of not really thinking about it. And I'm still an outspoken feminist and do include myself in women's rights, as I usually present as female and have ovaries, so policies and such do affect me directly.

Back to the sliding scale part, I don't just switch all of a sudden to fully male/fully female. Sometimes it'll change within half an hour, maybe, but again it's more like I slide over that direction. It doesn't change who I am as a person, but it does change how I feel things and how I act/react... It's really hard to describe, lol.

Just think about the gender you identify as. If you're monogender (just one gender), you likely are sure of that and know what it feels like to be that gender. You can confidently say, "I am ____ and this is what it's like to be ____." Well, for me, I know what it's like for me to feel on the feminine side and what it's like for me to feel on the masculine side. It's not just presentation. It shifts the way I go through the world.

I don't know if it's because it's a tough thing to describe or because my meds don't let me brain good, but I feel like I'm not really answering your questions! It would help me if you have specific questions, and I'll do my best to answer

Also, props for having a genderfluid MC! We definitely don't have enough representation. It can be tricky to write (I tried last NaNo and didn't do well lol) but I can tell you it's appreciated. <3

I try to represent minorities; I feel like there are too few of them. In my last book, the MC was bi, but this time, almost all the characters are queer or female or black/asian/etc.

@Crysi, I appreciate you stopping by with such a long response, but maybe you could answer a few questions?

First, what 'triggers' the change between genders? Which genders do you identify as (like is it just male/female, or is there androgynous or something else, too?)? Can you compare and contrast what it's like to be each gender?

Hi!
I identify as demigirl, which means that sometimes I identify as female, and sometimes as androgynous/agender. (Although I'm still not sure this is the right label for me, I'm still considering)

I usually prefer she/her and they/them as pronouns (who needs grammar anyways?)

Whatever I want to present on any given day feels kind of random to me-- it's kind of like wanting to wear red one day and yellow the next. It usually changes day to day, or sometimes week by week.

I don't get major dysphoria but it can be brought on by someone saying, "girls on one side, boys on the other," etc, or any other divisions by gender. Also being referred to as 'a girl' doesn't feel great either.

Another thing is that, like bisexuality, my demi-girl state isn't half and half. I tend to feel female and then maybe 3 or 4 days out of the week I'll present as androgynous. But it depends on the week.

Anyway, that's all for now. I'm here if you have any questions.

--Pen

PS: Kudos to you for including diversity in your writing! It's difficult to do and I'm glad you're making an effort (trust me, any representation counts!)

Thanks! LGBTQ+ doesn't get enough representation. Women are, now, but people of color and LGTBQ+ doesn't, so...trying to change that :P

Thank you for your insight, @Pentavalence!

No problem

Okay! I'll answer to the best of my ability.

First off, I slide between male and female, but mostly neutral or even agender (without gender). Androgynous could work too. Haven't really labeled the in-between genders, even though that's mostly where I am lol.

I haven't thought too hard about triggers, so I don't have a full list. But I know first dates is a weird trigger lol. I kinda go into hetero mode - way more feminine on dates with men and way more masculine on dates with women. That does go away once it becomes a committed relationship, but I guess it's a "first impressions" thing.

I think another trigger is being in groups of three or more. I literally become "one of the guys" haha. When I'm around one or two people, it could be anything. Another thing I just realized is I'm male around females in general. I never know how to talk with them and instead want to join the guys in their discussions. I know others who have that issue but are cis-women, but I think I literally become male. The exception to that is when I'm chatting online or texting. I can fangirl like crazy over Destiel and get all giggly while wedding planning.

Talking women's rights also brings out the woman in me. Maybe because it reminds me of all the crap I've had to face because outwardly I look female. I also tend to be female in sexual situations, though there are exceptions (which I won't detail here - probably not appropriate).

So what is it like to be each gender? That's a really difficult question to answer xD but I'll do my best. When I'm female/feminine, I tend to be more creative and empathetic. I become more involved in reiki. I enjoy books and pop music and dramatic movies/shows. I tend to be quieter, I think because society has taught us that women should be quiet. It's something I'm working on. I also take on more emotional labor, putting everyone before myself.

When I'm more masculine, I become more analytical. I enjoy strategy and action games more, along with UFC fights. I get a little cocky and sarcastic. I'm also more prone to anger. I put myself first, and I have more energy. I think I'm probably more masculine when I take on new projects, too. I walk faster and ahead of others, and talk louder. I actually haven't come out to anyone in person, so I can't say if there are other signs. But that's generally it.

Note that women can feel/do the things I feel/do when masculine, and vice versa. It's just kind of an internal knowing that my gender is different.

Mostly, though, as I've said, I'm pretty neutral. In those times, I just say my gender is "Sam" (How convenient is it that my nickname is androgynous??). I'm just me. It's like I pull different small aspects from being masculine/feminine and really make them muted. I don't feel masculine or feminine. I do what I do and feel what I feel, but there's no gender behind it.

Hope that helps a little! Feel free to ask more if you need it

@Pentavalence @Crysi

So I finally got back to writing this, and was wondering if you could both answer a few more questions? Don't worry about it if you can't or don't want to, of course, but it'd be great if you could :)

Could you tell me a bit more detail about how it works when you change genders (you mentioned it was more like sliding to the other gender)? Like, how does your behavior, etc. start changing and how does the transition go? Could you tell me more about what often triggers the transition? Also, what has your experience been with people mistaking your gender for whatever your physical body aligns with? How do people generally act, how do you react (both emotionally and how you handle it)?