Young Writers Society

Hi,
I am writing a story or two where a character is in an emotionally abusive and unhealthy relationship. I did some research and I know vague things like emotionally abusive relationships don't begin seemingly abusive, the significant other degrades them and tries controls the victim's, and these kinds of relationships are hard for the victim to get over and break apart from. I understand the bare bones, but all I have is a vague idea.

I want to know if there are any books or movies where there are good depictions of the beginnings of an emotionally abusive relationships or sites where people share stories and specific events. I think the last one will be hard because it is a sensitive topic.

The trouble I am having is that nothing is specific enough. I have never seen or been in an a toxic relationship, and I still am unclear how it begins. What do abusers specifically say, specifically do. For example, I found a source that said that a good way to start to hint at a abusive relationship is make the character try to control what the other person wears. They would say: "You look better in makeup." "Don't wear that top you're going to get the wrong attention versus just a description tell me they control their lives.

There are definitely sites where abuse victims discuss these things, however, if you intend to use them for research, you have to be considerate. Joining a site just to ask questions is incredibly disrespectful, especially if it is a site for abuse victims specifically, and reading accounts just to glean elements for your own stories is even more so.

If you're looking to find sources, your best bet would be to look up informational and awareness-raising sites and communities. A lot of abuse survivors tend to be active in the latter, and these are people who are typically okay with being asked all sorts of questions and with talking about their experiences.

Regardless, I think your biggest issue is thinking of abusive relationships as premeditated things, where there's a clear plan of action on the abuser's side. That is very rarely the case. Far, far more common are cases where the abuser does not intend to be abusive and honestly believes that they are not being abusive. This lack of awareness on the abuser's part is a large part of why abusive relationships are so difficult to identify and get out of; the abuser often genuinely believes they are doing the best thing for the person they are abusing, and they have many reasons "proving" why they're right.

Control is only one aspect of abuse, and while it may be the most visible, it is not a requirement for a relationship to be abusive. Emotional manipulation is a far more reliable indicator of an abusive relationship, though it is also a much, much harder indicator to portray because emotions are so subjective, and many people feel compelled to consider intention when weighing the harm of another's actions.

It is entirely possible for a relationship to be abusive without one person attempting to control the other.

In my experience, abuse relies on a single foundational belief:

That the abuser's needs are above everything else.

For example:

Say the victim wants to go out to this one party, but they need the abuser to do something in order to make this possible. It could be giving them a ride, or taking care of the house. Abuser does not want to do any of this, and creates a situation where they stop the victim from going to the party because their desire to not do something is greater.

Or, same "going to a party" situation, the abuser feels very hurt that the individual would go without them when they need attention, and instead of talking about feeling insecure to create a dialogue, they lay guilt trips on and either invite themselves along or make it the person stays home to pay attention to them.

Or, again same situation, the abuser says they'll help out, the person goes, and when they get back nothing is done for no reason what so ever other than they didn't think it was important, which makes the victim wonder if going was really worth it if everything is the same/worse when they return.

Doing this a handful of times isn't necessarily abuse. We all do this stuff because we are flawed humans. I used abuser/victim in there for easy identification.

It only starts to get to be abusive when there's 1- a pattern where 90% of the time the victim's needs are put aside, and 2- a lack of responsibility. 2 is what Kyll mentioned— abusers don't see themselves as abusers.

If the abuser were to come up later and apologize, saying they were really feeling [blank], and they proceeded to change their behaviour long term so they wouldn't repeat the situation (or at least not repeat it as badly), then they're not an abuser and were a person having a bad day. If they repeat the behaviour again after a few months and keep repeating it, then they're back in abuser territory.

Another thing about abusers is, in some cases, they are very good at making it look like the victim is the abuser. In the aforementioned examples, even if the victim doesn't go to the party, there's an easily spun narrative of "they keep wanting to abandon me! They don't love me and never think of me!"

This is another reason abuse often isn't premeditated, because it can very easily start off as feeling hurt, then the wound festering. Does this mean the victim is at fault? No, because the abuser still chose to let the wound fester instead of clearing the air about what's really going on. It can also start off with trying to make it up to the person for hurting them, so long as the help is delivered without the person's wants or needs in mind.

It's complicated, and messy, and can start a million ways. Even if you know all the red flags, it can go undetected for months or years. You've got to characterize the abuser to the same extent you do the victim, because each person's MO is a little (or a lot) different. It just all boils down to a belief your needs are above the other side's in the majority of cases.