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Imagery and writing good



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Sat Apr 30, 2016 5:03 am
dracowave says...



Hey I'm writing a story and wanted to get some input on a way to improve my writing as its pretty subpar. This is part of a fight between gods and I would appreciate any comments/ or criticism on it thanks. I'll put it below as I don't know how the spoilers work.


Their auras were… incredible for lack of a better word. The energy they produced was so massive that it nearly blew us away and it took a large amount of my energy to hold us in place.

There were no words only action… in an instant they both disappeared and only a large burst of energy was left behind. Clang of metal rang out between the two gods each time causing a large impact, it was quite obvious that they were almost equal in power as they easily cancelled each other’s attacks blow for blow.

A high slash, a low slash, a stabbing attempt a slicing motion. Raynard attacked quickly and relentlessly yet all of his attacks were repelled. A shield bash, a sharp kick a powerful punch but they were too slow to hit their opponent. Kira’s focus increased slowly with each attack. She then began to speak in a somewhat harsh tone.
  





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Mon May 02, 2016 1:25 pm
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Lightsong says...



I'd try to help. As an addition, here's how spoiler works: [spoiler.]insert words[/spoiler.] Just remove the dots I've put there. Anyway!

Their auras were… incredible for lack of a better word. The energy they produced was so massive that it nearly blew us away and it took a large amount of my energy to hold us in place.


First, setting? Where are they? Why are they fighting there? This sort of things are important, because while the readers can imagine the fight scenes, they can't imagine the place the scenes are held.

Secondly, remove the ellipsis. Really, in a fighting scene, it can disrupt the flow. The repetition of energy is also kinda jarring. Try to use similes. 'Their auras were incredible, it was like two formidable mountains were gauging each other's power. They seem to erupt a volcano of energy that nearly blew us away if not for my arduous effort to stick to the ground.'


There were no words only action… in an instant they both disappeared and only a large burst of energy was left behind. Clang of metal rang out between the two gods each time causing a large impact, it was quite obvious that they were almost equal in power as they easily cancelled each other’s attacks blow for blow.


The beginning is kind of flat. Show us. 'They fought in silent, and the next they vanished with a large burst of white-red energy behind (describe the colour of the energy to visualize it), their movements too fast for mortal eyes. I could only hear the clank of metals ringing, as their mighty swords competed in a battle of strength.

A high slash, a low slash, a stabbing attempt a slicing motion. Raynard attacked quickly and relentlessly yet all of his attacks were repelled. A shield bash, a sharp kick a powerful punch but they were too slow to hit their opponent. Kira’s focus increased slowly with each attack. She then began to speak in a somewhat harsh tone.


I like this. We can see there are moves they make, and I would suggest to show the contrast of their fighting skills. Raynard seems to be aggressive, while Kira relies on the speed of her attacks, for example. They should have distinct fighting styles. I like how there's a glimpse of emotion at the end of the paragraph, as hints of emotions are good in battle scenes.

And that is all! Hope this help! :D
"Writing, though, belongs first to the writer, and then to the reader, to the world.

The subject is a catalyst, a character, but our responsibility is, has to be, to the work."

- David L. Ulin
  





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Mon May 02, 2016 3:10 pm
Holysocks says...



Lightsong pretty much nailed everything that came up in my mind, but I'd just like to reinforce the showing bit.

Like Light says, we don't see anything, and it's a bit like we don't have any eyes. What are these gods doing? Are they pairing each other up? Is one sneering? What are they wearing? Did one get blacked to the ground? And are they saying anything? Sometimes dialogue can be interesting in a battle scene.

Best wishes!
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Mon May 02, 2016 5:19 pm
Holysocks says...



It just occurred to me that you mentioned imagery in the title. I think a lot of people confuse imagery with descriptions (I know I did!) because the common thing they hear people say is "show, don't tell" and then it's never really explained how to go about showing instead of telling.

I was talking about descriptions in my first post, because we really don't have much of a visual of what's happening in the battle. But you also want to use similes, as Light said, because it allows us to have a reference, sort of.

I guess I'm going to try to explain imagery (though I'm not always too sure I understand what it is in the first place). Imagery, from what I understand, is when you take a common thing, and use different thing that can commonly relate to that thing, but explains it in a way that may make the reader more interested. Confused yet? Okay, I'll use an example.

Telling (description): The popcorn was salty.

Showing (imagery): The popcorn was so salty it transformed her mouth into a salt-water sea.

That was pretty bad imagery on my part, but maybe it was helpful. Let's be clear though: telling is very important as well. There needs to be a balance, like everything, and that really only comes with practice. Also, imagery does not equal more words. You might want to spend some time trying out poetry (if you haven't already)- I found I learnt the most about how to use imagery when I started writing/reading more poetry.
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Tue May 03, 2016 10:33 am
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Lightsong says...



Well... according to dictionary, imagery means 'figurative description or illustration; rhetorical images collectively'. Note that it is either figurative description or illustration, which means imagery does involve description. The definition of describe (from Google) is: 'give an account in words of (someone or something), including all the relevant characteristics, qualities, or events'.

But what kind of description?

To complete the definition, it says 'rhetorical images collectively'. So, simply put, it's visualized description. You can describe she is angry, but you're telling us something abstract. If you give us a clear image of her being angry, than you're giving us an imagery. You are describing her mood with her expressions, actions, and dialogues, etc. To go back, the example of describe in the link I've inserted is: 'the police said the man was described as white, 6 ft. tall, with mousy, cropped hair'. We can imagine how the man looks like. That's visualized description.

That are descriptions that show. Telling descriptions are the ones that are abstract, with no evidence to support them back. She is angry. That's telling--we're describing her as being angry. But we cannot gauge how angry she is, and what does she look like to be deemed as being angry. This is why telling descriptions don't help us to better understand what's being described, because what's being described is not described visually. It's just an empty statement. Hence, telling is not preferable in stories most of the time.

For battle scene, I would emphasize again that emotions matter. We're not talking about two emotionless robots--we're talking about deities capable of having feelings. Making them react to each other's offense, as well as having them retaliate with feelings, would make the battle scenes more poignant. It would be an extra detail to the imageries you displaying.
"Writing, though, belongs first to the writer, and then to the reader, to the world.

The subject is a catalyst, a character, but our responsibility is, has to be, to the work."

- David L. Ulin
  








You must never give into despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road, and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength.
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