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Broken Memory



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13 Reviews



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Points: 803
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Tue Jan 24, 2012 11:25 pm
heather321 says...



So i wrote this last year... post what you think (it might seem weird or bad.. i was just trying to write in second person to see how it worked out)

Broken Memory
Wind lashes your face as you sprint along the dark, shadowed street. You hear footsteps behind you and run faster, knowing your life depends on this moment. Thoughts race through your head. These people are trying to kill you, but why? Somewhere, in the back of your mind the reason lingers just out of reach. Bits and pieces of a vague memory poke into your thoughts but the pieces won’t fit together. You’re footsteps are in time with the pounding of your racing heart, and all physical pain is go. You feel nothing, but fear.
The hours go by. You see your breath in the cold night air and the idea of stopping crosses your mind but is quickly pushed away. There’s something important depending on you, but you don’t know what. You try searching your memory, only to find that you can’t remember. Anything. You don’t know where you came from, what you’re doing, or even who you are. You try desperately to recall your own name. Suddenly you hear a noise behind you and you once again focus on running.
You try to speed up, but stumble and crash to the cold, gray sidewalk. You can’t move, so you wait; wait for what is to come, wait, for everything to end. But the only thing that ever finds you is the silent, empty night. You try to stand, but your energy is long gone as exhaustion finally catches up to you. Searching for every last scrap of strength you can find, you crawl across the street and into an abandoned warehouse. Leaning against a wall you let your eyes close, and you surrender to sleep.
When you wake, the sun is streaming through a broken window. Everything hurts, and there’s a sharp pain in your knees, hands, and head. You reach up to your head and your hand meets dried blood all down the side of your face. Your legs feel as if they’re on fire but you are determined to stand. As you try, your legs give out and you fall back to the ground. All the pain is too much; blackness fills in and you lose consciousness.
The next few days are blurred together as you go in and out of consciousness. Each time you wake you try to remember your dreams, wishing they would bring back memories, but you never can. Each dream is only a faded, hazy scene, just outside the edges of your mind. You have completely lost track of the days and you can no longer take the purposelessness of your existence. Finally you refuse to let your world fade back into unconsciousness, and, collecting all your strength, you stand. Your legs wobble and your head throbs. Using the wall for support you walk across to the door and out into the blinding sunlight.
The place is unfamiliar and some people walk by, giving you uncertain glances. You look down to see that your clothes are grimy and remember that you never washed the blood off your face. With your messed up hair, dirty face, and torn clothes, you realize you’re quite a sight. You walk in the shadows of buildings, hoping not to draw any more attention to yourself.
Something isn’t right. You look around fearfully, searching for the cause of that unsettling feeling… and you find it.
It’s a man dressed in dark, soiled clothing with unkempt hair, a crooked nose, and an unwashed face. He doesn’t look friendly. His eyes are tired and his daunting stare is absolutely unnerving. After a second you realize that his face is familiar, and it sparks the fire of memories that begin to flood your mind. You don’t have time to sort through them though because the man is walking towards you, and fast. You need to run, but can’t. You’re still too weak from running so fast and fat the other night, but you’re not ready to give up just yet. You turn and shakily jog around a building corner. He’s gaining on you and you know you don’t have a chance.
You try hopelessly to figure out what to do but there’s no chance of any escape. Your mind goes black besides one lingering thought: This is part of the plan, and it isn’t over. There is something complicated that you can’t piece together, but the main idea your grasp is that the fate of the work is at stake here. You hear a gunshot and feel an instant sharp pain in your back. Colors fade, until there is nothing, but blackness.
  





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Wed Jan 25, 2012 4:08 am
Carlito says...



Hey Heather!

Nitpicks:
You’re (Your)footsteps are in time with the pounding of your racing heart, and all physical pain is gone. You feel nothing, (no comma) but fear.


The hours go by.

I've been running for hours? That seems a tad unrealistic. I'd have to be a pretty amazing runner to go non-stop.

There’s something important depending on you, but you don’t know what. You try searching your memory, only to find that you can’t remember. Anything.

I can't quite pin-point the problem I'm having with this little section but something about it is slightly turning me off. How do "you" know that there is "something important depending on you" if you don't remember anything? Also "something important depending on you" sounds kind of odd to me. I don't know. Sorry I'm not much help here, but I would read it out loud and make sure it makes sense, flows nicely, and says what you want it to, to you.

You can’t move, so you wait; wait for what is to come, wait, for everything to end.

I love this idea but I think it would be more powerful if it was broken up into more than one sentence instead of the commas and semicolons. "You can't move, so you wait. Wait for what is to come. Wait for everything t end."

Your mind goes black besides one lingering thought: This is part of the plan, and it isn’t over. There is something complicated that you can’t piece together, but the main idea your grasp is that the fate of the work is at stake here.

I would put the thought in italics to make it stand out against the rest more.

What I really liked:
From the first paragraph you really did a nice job of drawing the reader in. It took me a second to get used to the 2nd person but after that the descriptions and overall tone really helped me stay intrigued and want to know what is going to happen next.

I also thought the idea was interested and you did a nice job of sticking to 2nd person (which obviously isn't an easy tense to write in).

What I wasn't so crazy about:
I don't know if you're planning on adding to this but the ending left a little bit to be desired for me. I still have a lot of unanswered questions such as: who is the narrator? What is her deal?/Why is she running/dirty/bloody? Why doesn't she remember anything? Who is this guy?/What did he do to her?/Why did he shoot her?

For a short piece in 2nd person it's hard to answer all of that and give the reader the full depth of information that he/she would probably like so I suppose if you're planning on continuing I would think about using either 1st or 3rd. Overall though I think you did a nice job. I haven't read much in 2nd person and you definitely kept me interested up to the end!

-Carly
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

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