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Young Writers Society


The Cavern



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Gender: None specified
Points: 300
Reviews: 0
Wed Jan 11, 2012 8:44 pm
Haleykristine14 says...



When I was about thirteen. My family Just disappeared. My mom, dad, and two little sisters. I'm all that is left of the Jordan family. "Wait for me!" I heard my nerdy best friend, Simon yelled from a few feet away from me. "why don't you hurry up?!" I yelled at him. Today he and I are going hunting. His mom wants some of my survival skills to rub off I guess. "Melonie come on I'm new to this." he said finally catching up to me breathless. "How can such a small town contain so much drama?" I asked him. We had gotten farther then we'd ever come. At the top of the grassy hill, the chilling winds picked up and I felt free. Free from my school work, from my godparents, free from everything. I looked over our poor run down but slightly beautiful.

I'm out of time but I'll continue! I promise
" I will now destroy these snickers bars!!"-Gazzy Maximum ride
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 5107
Reviews: 100
Fri Jan 13, 2012 7:02 am
NaRachel says...



Okay :) I think some sentences are just a little too simple and obvious. For example :
I'm all that is left of the Jordan family
. Try not to just state things, but work them into the text and let the reader work some stuff out for themselves. Also your description of
nerdy best friend
is quite cliche and it puts the character into a category which is not what you want. This makes the best friend seem to have no depth- he is nothing but the nerdy best friend. Try not to describe people with one word but perhaps you could describe some of the things that make him nerdy for example he might carry books with him or something. Also in this line,
Free from my school work, from my godparents, free from everything.
. Try to avoid listing things like this, in fact I think you're story would do great without this line completely :) I don't understand you're last line
I looked over our poor run down but slightly beautiful.
so try to make it a little clearer with its meaning. I hope this helps :) Apart from all that, good job and keep writing!!! :D -Rachel
"You grow, you grow like tornado
You grow from the inside
Destroy everything through
Destroy from the inside
Erupt like volcano
You flow from the inside
You kill everything through
You kill from the inside"
  








For in everything it is no easy task to find the middle ... anyone can get angry—that is easy—or give or spend money; but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for everyone, nor is it easy; wherefore goodness is both rare and laudable and noble.
— Aristotle