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To See Sound.



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Mon Dec 19, 2011 10:14 pm
Valentine says...



Hello. I am Valentine. This is something I have been thinking about lately. A world where music is illegal, and it takes you to a different world. Please comment or review if you think it deserves it. Thanks so much. Enjoy.


I dream a thousand futures. Sometimes I sit alone, watching the sky cry against my bedroom window. I don’t know if I am the only one who sees the sadness. It’s as if the life itself has retreated to a dark corner, leaving the world so dark and cold. I dream of something new. Something that will make life bloom, and bring the world to flourish. But I just sit back and join the sky- knowing that there is nothing that will fulfill me, and I will never truly know what I want.

~January 12


“What do you expect to get out of this anyway?” Tad asked. His eyes remained on the road, the leafless trees running past.

“I told you already: I don’t know.” I said. That was the truth. I had called him just an hour ago, begging for a ride. I tried to blame the reckless decision on curiosity. Deep down I knew it was much than that.

“You do know that we could get kicked out of Manor for this,” Tad said, drumming his figures against the steering wheel. “Heck, we could die. People die doing this you know; there’s a reason it’s illegal.”

I let out sigh. “Well, you can explain to Violet how you were too scared,” I said, and slid my feet up onto the dashboard. The hypnotic hum of the car’s motor was starting to make my sleepy. “It’s not even that big of a deal. Chill out. “

“Really? Not a big deal? Last time I checked, a thousand deaths in a year is a big deal.”

“Just drop me off then.” His lip twitched and his jaw was clenched. The thumping on the steering wheel quickened, which always meant he was having an argument with himself.

My eyes returned to the road. It was almost an hour drive to the inner part of the city. The car drastically darkened as we entered the Spire tunnel. Thousands of orange lights streaked past and we were going fast enough that they blended together to form endless glowing lines. I had actually never been through this tunnel before. The inner city was technically off limits to all Manor students. But then again, so was breaking 10:30 curfew and the clock had just hit twelve. Screw it. I was done following the rules.

***

“We’re here.”

Tad’s voice sent me snapping upright, gasping.

“You told me to chill out.” Tad said.

I wiped the sleep from my eyes and fumbled to zip up my jacket. We were parked outside what looked like a condemned townhouse. Graffiti scrawled across boarded up windows. “You sure this is the right place?” I asked.

Tad looked at me, his mouth open in mock offense.

“Yeah. I’m sure,” he said.

My gaze returned to the building. It definitely looked like how I imagined a musicbox. But never actually having seen one before, the picture in my mind was due to have some flaws. As I thought about it, I realized I didn’t even understand what “musicbox” meant. Apparently it was a pun off some old instrument. My heart jumped at the word. Tonight I would finally know. Tonight, I would finally experience it.

“Let’s go,” Tad said, shaking me from my thoughts.

“You’re coming?” I asked in surprise, letting out a smile. He mirrored my expression.

“Heck yeah. Let’s do this.”


My shoes met the sidewalk and a cold rush of air hit my face. Glancing around, I was relieved to see that we were alone, and it didn’t look like anybody had been down this road in a very long time. I assumed that either fire or poverty had claimed this street; and it was probably a bit of both. There were a couple bakeries and various shops, but their signs were rusted with neglect. This place definitely seemed perfect for what we were about to do.

We reached the boarded door and I knocked. The wood stung my knuckles. We waited for a few seconds, and finally heard muffled footstep inside. Our breath hung still in the air for a moment and then the board was slid to reveal a pair of eyes. I froze. They were blue. Warm, deep, blue. Maybe it was the fact that I had only seen such brilliance once before, but it literally stopped my breathing. They were my mother’s eyes. I was totally unprepared for the waterfall of memories that ensued and tears started to fill my eyes. I blinked rapidly, trying to shake the sadness and the eyes quickly disappeared.

“It’s Sim and Thaddeus,” a voice said from inside. It was so muffled I could barely understand it. Tad and I exchanged glances of amazement as the board was pulled completely away. Violet stood in its place, a huge smile spread across her face. She was average height for a girl, and her shoulder-length brown hair blew in her eyes. But in an instant I could tell that hers were not blue; just lifeless grey like the rest of the world.

“You guys came!” she said, and gave us both hugs. A strange scent lingered behind her that I couldn’t place. “Come in, come in,” she said, motioning inside.
The inside of the building wasn’t any plusher than the outside. Giant cracks webbed across the naked walls and mold caked the ceiling where moisture had seeped in. I smiled to myself at the thought of the structure of the building being more dangerous than what we were actually going to do inside it.

The only light was from a dozens of candles on the ground. They were lined up on the outskirts of the entryway, providing just enough of an ominous glow to illuminate the room. A pair of footsteps met my ears and another figure came around the corner. My chest tightened. It was another girl, and her eyes were the ones I had seen earlier. I didn’t have much time to process before Violet spoke again.

“You guys got here just in time. We’re about to start.” She crossed the entryway and the new girl opened what looked like to be the cellar door. They turned and motioned for us to descend. The stairs creaked beneath us. They were deeper than I was used to, and I struggled to stay balanced. As we neared the bottom, Tad let out a suppressed grunt as his head hit the ceiling. I would normally have laughed. But not tonight. My throat was too dry. My heart was flying.

I was greeted at the bottom by two more guys. Well, greeted is a bit of an exaggeration. One of them lay sprawled on the ground cradling something I didn’t recognize to his chest. The other sat next to him, talking in a hushed tone.
They looked up only as Violet spoke.

“Seth, Dillon. This is Simeon and Thaddeus. They’re gonna be joining us today.”
They looked genuinely happy to see us. Their eyes were bright and their faces looked kind. The one named Dillon had long wavy hair, tossed in a heap on his head. Seth looked very similar, so much so I thought they must be twins. They both were still in their Manor uniforms, and by the way they held themselves, I didn’t think they cared a bit what they looked like.

It was odd. I always imagined musicians looking sicklier. They were always pictured as skinny, lifeless people. These kids looked not only healthy, but full of life.

“Tonight. They’re going to be joining us tonight, not today,” Seth said.

“Well really it’s kind of relative,” Dillon returned.

“How is that relative?” Seth said, and looked up to us for support. I struggled to think of anything to say and when my mouth opened, Violet cut me off.

“Ignore them,” she said and walked over to us. “This is Lilly,” said began, motioning to girl with the eyes, “Those are her two idiot brothers. “

I realized only moments after staring into Lily’s vibrant eyes that she was looking back at me. She laughed quietly, and I quickly averted my gaze.

“Well then,” Violet said and paused, which made me think she had seen the awkward exchange. “We had better get started then. We don’t have all night.”

I noticed Tad had found his way over to Violet and they sat down near the brothers. I walked over and joined them. The bare concrete floor felt refreshing. I was breaking a sweat and my hands felt clammy.

“Do you know what this is?” Dillon asked, holding out the object I hadn’t recognized.

“No idea,” I said. It was odd looking, long and slender, like a thin tree branch, but there were holes drilled in it and strange shapes carved on the ends.

“It’s a flute,” Seth said. His eyes widened which made me think he was waiting for a response. “It’s an instrument,” he finally said.

Tad’s breathing paused.

“Are you serious? Like a real instrument?” I said in shock. I didn’t know that anybody had instruments anymore, let alone some kids.

“What do you think we do? Listen to half infected mp3’s all day?” Violet asked.

I guess she was right. All I knew was that after the government had released the virus destroy all music files, that not all were destroyed. I just assumed that they had found some. The punishment for that was heavy enough. But having an instrument, actually creating music, was a thousand fold worse. I would never have guessed that they actually had one. Maybe Tad was right, this was way too risky. Frantic excuses to leave crashed around in my head, but then Dillon started to play it.

The first image that entered my mind was a wolf. A lone wolf, standing on the perch of a cliff, snow falling in streaks past his face, melting on his nose. I imagined him craning his neck to the sky, fur flattened by the wind, and letting out a howl. But what burst from his mouth was neither shrill nor eerie. It was beauty itself. It danced through my head, leaving ribbons of color behind. The notes pulsed and fluttered like butterflies. It was so fragile and intricate that I didn’t dare breath. Gradually, joined in- just a low hum that released the tension in my spine. The singing grew louder but I couldn’t make out words. I felt myself start to sway back and forth. In that moment, I was not human. I was only a whisper.

I don’t know how long the music continued for. A thousand scenes flashed through my mind and they carried me with them. I had neither the want, nor the will-power to stop it. Memories from my past presented themselves in blurred landscapes. A million abstract images that triggered recollection. Sooner or later, my voice joined the others without my instruction. We were the voices in the wilderness. I wished it would go on forever. But as sudden as it came, the music faded away. The dark cellar ebbed back into vision. We sat in silence that rang in my ears. I had too many words.

“How do you feel?” Lily asked. The sound of her voice float in throbbing strands of energy into my ears.

I took several breathes before I answered. My whole body was shaking.

“I feel alive.” I managed to say.

The others nodded and smiled.

“I feel free.”

Thanks for reading! Please comment or review if its worth it!
Last edited by Valentine on Wed Dec 28, 2011 9:52 pm, edited 8 times in total.
"You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villain- TDK"

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Tue Dec 20, 2011 12:33 am
21WhiteRoses says...



This is awesome! I really love the concept. It would be so dull to live in a world without music. Although
i guess it would be kinda fun playing music illegally, huh? I only noticed a few mistakes:
'Deep down I knew it was much than that. '-I think there should me a 'more' in there.
'“Well we should better get started then. We don’t have all night,” Violet said. -I think it'd shoud better if 'should' was replaced with 'had'
Anyway This is really well written and I would absolutely love to read more! :D
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Tue Dec 20, 2011 2:38 am
Valentine says...



Haha, I totally agree. Being rebellious has a way of making things more fun! Hey, I am so glad you enjoyed this! I'll make sure to correct those things and make sure to upload some more as it is written. Thanks so much for the feedback!
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Sat Dec 24, 2011 5:06 pm
vkshravi88 says...



The premise is absolutely amazing.
There's very little you could do to improve this, even if you scavenge for the slightest details.The writing style is one of the best I've seen, probably even better than the writing in half of the young-adult books out today.

The one thing that you should watch out for but doesn't make TOO big of a difference is the spacing. Creating paragraphs in the right places is a tool used to create suspense, and given the mysterious nature of the premise itself a little more suspense would be perfect.

It would also be good if you introduced music as illegal INSIDE the story using the same kind of suspense surrounding the rest of the story. A little bit of background information that introduces the main premise at the beginning (like a kind of prologue) would make this even more amazing than it already is if that's even possible.

Beautiful writing
The complex journey of life begins with a simple step forward
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Sun Dec 25, 2011 2:21 pm
Valentine says...



Thanks vkshravi for the feedback! I'm so glad you liked it and it and I'm giddy with your such high praise. With the paragraph spacing- everything was split into paragraphs until the site was remade and now its all bunched together. Hopefully I can fix that, it must have been a pain to read in that current format. Thanks so much!
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Wed Dec 28, 2011 12:50 am
artsy says...



First and foremost, wow. The subject itself is very unique, something you don't find a lot in most manuscripts, no matter how well it's written. Second, the style you wrote in is very good. It flows very well throughout the entire 'script. There were no breaks in the story that I thought would take a reader out of the trance writers need to put them under. I had to read it twice with a critic's mind to spot anything that needed slight improving or changing.

- Grammar/Punctuation

“I told you already.: I don’t know,.” I said.

Being the Grammar Nazi that I am, the colon is crucial for me because it can differentiate two tones that the character is able to convey: a continuation or a confused thought. From the context clues, it's obvious that the I don't know is a continuation of the explanation of what Simeon tells Thaddeus. Without the colon, the sentence expresses Simeon's thoughts as confused, as if he's still thinking about what he could get out of it, rather than him already concluding that he has no idea what to expect.

The period after know should be a little self-explanatory. Since the next character speaking is Thaddeus and not Simeon, then there is no need to pause for a moment for a continuation of Simeon's quoting. Putting a period here marks the end of what he's saying for the moment, because he's not becoming interrupted; he was finished and Thaddeus continued afterward. If he was expressing a fragment, then it is acceptable to put a comma. But since he stops talking fully, and his sentence formation makes sense, putting a period makes more grammatical sense.

...People die doing this you know,; there’s a reason it’s illegal.”

or
People die doing this you know,. tThere’s a reason it’s illegal.”

Two full sentences are right next to each other in this sentence. You can either join them with a semicolon, or a period and capital letter.

“You’re coming?” I saidasked in surprise, letting out a smile.

Since it's a question, it's more appropriate to put asked instead of said.

There were a couple bakeries and various shops, but their signs were rusted with neglect.

Put a comma before a conjunction when joining two complete sentences into one.

I summedassumed that either fire or the poor economy had claimed this street.; Aand it was probably a bit of both.

I think you meant assumed.

Conjunctions at the beginning of sentences is allowed, I just thought since it's tied to the one before than most sentences are, I think they should be linked by a semicolon, but this is completely up to you. In my opinion, it makes the flow more streamline.

She crossed the entryway and the girl with her opened withwhat looked like to be the cellar door.

I'm pretty sure you meant what.

- Wording/Flow

His lip twitched, and I could almost see the argument he was having with himself.

Can you elaborate a little on this? I didn't take much of it the first time I saw it, but when I read this over a second time, then I became a little confused... When you say almost see, do you mean actually visually picturing the words and worries that are going through Thaddeus's mind or the expression on his face representing those emotions, or something completely different?

I would probably change it to something about seeing the conflict on his face. Even if you don't want to change it, then describe how he looked a little more: clenched fists on the steering wheel, his piercing stare as he glared out of the window of the car in front of him, his strained jaw or any muscle in view from anxiety or debating what to do, etc. Explain what Thaddeus might be thinking through a little more body language, since we can't get inside his mind.

“You told me to chill out.”

Was it Thaddeus or Simeon that said this? If it was Thaddeus, I could automatically imagine it being said sarcastically. If it was Simeon, I could automatically imagine it being said as if he was required to give a reason for him dozing off. Be sure to always make it very clear who is speaking and to whom. The whom part isn't evident here, because only Simeon and Thaddeus are in the car.

It definitely looked like a musicbox. Not that I would know. I didn’t even understand what that name meant. Apparently it was a pun off some old instrument.

Again, careful on the wording here. If Simeon doesn't know, or understand what the name mean, how could he conclude that the building looks like a musicbox? I suggest taking Not that I would know. I didn't even understand what the name meant. out and describing how the musicbox looks, or add in a memory of when Simeon first saw a musicbox if you want to put in that he recognized what it was.

Glancing around, I was relieved to see that we were alone, nor did it look like anybody had been down this road in a very long time. There were a couple bakeries and various shops but their signs were rusted with neglect. I summed that either fire or the poor economy had claimed this street. And it was probably a bit of both. This place definitely seemed perfect for what we were about to do.

Some of this needs a little re-organizing. Some of the descriptions come in place after or before it needs to be. This can cause the reader to get out of the story and have their mind jump around a lot to catch every detail. I suggest the order below...
Glancing around, I was relieved to see that we were alone, nor did it look like anybody had been down this road in a very long time. I assumed that either fire or the poor economy had claimed this street; it was probably a bit of both. There were a couple of bakeries and various shops, but their signs were rusted with neglect. This place definitely seemed perfect for what we were about to do.

“Well we had better get started then. We don’t have all night,.” Violet said.

Period instead of comma; same explanation in the previous one.

I heard Tad jolt upright.

Heard? What sound did it make?

The first image that entered my mind was a wolf. A lone wolf, standing on the perch of a cliff, snow falling in streaks past his face, melting on his nose. I imagined him craning his neck to the sky, fur flattened by the wind, and letting out a howl. But what burst from his mouth was neither shrill nor eerie. It was beauty itself. It danced through my head, leaving ribbons of color behind. The notes pulsed and fluttered like butterflies. It was so fragile and intricate that I didn’t dare breath. Gradually, joined in- just a low hum that released the tension in my spine. The singing grew louder but I couldn’t make out words. I felt myself start to sway back and forth. In that moment, I was not human. I was only a whisper.

Loving the description! It's easy to get very wordy and get the reader's attention away from the piece, but you managed to keep the attention and make it flow flawlessly.

- Characters
Our breath hung still in the air for a moment and then the board was slid to reveal a pair of eyes. I froze. They were blue. Warm, deep, blue. Maybe it was the fact that I had only seen such brilliance once before, but it literally stopped my breathing.

You caught our attention with Simeon's fascination of those warm, deep, blue eyes. Other than the fact that it was a drastic color difference from the door, what else draws him in about those eyes? And answer the question you leave us with when you tell us that he's only seen such brilliance once before. When did he see it? A flashback can do a lot for a story; this is a good place to put one in, unless you plan to explain further in the plot. And was it the eyes itself that stopped his breathing or the situation where he last saw that brilliance? If you don't want to be specific just yet, be cryptic. Tell us enough so that once we eventually find out, it'll be a 'So THAT'S what happened!' moment, and a big one at that.

“It’s Sim and Thaddeus,” a voice said from inside.

Is there any way you can describe the voice? When the door opens, it's Violet, so can you describe the voice Simeon hears as familiar? Feminine? Friendly? Or if it's not Violet's, whose is it, what does it sound like, what feeling does it convey, and what does Simeon think of it when he hears it?

Violet stood in its place, a huge smile spread across her face.

At this point, the excitement of the plot is starting to reach its mini-climax, and the reader (if you're like me) reads faster and faster to get to it. They're so close! What happens next? This can be thing for the writer, too. (Also, if you're like me...) Sometimes, we start writing and writing and we don't put in a lot of details that are kind of required, or at least very well appreciated if they are there. I had to read it a few times to pull that out of a few places in this piece, because the flow runs so well together. Don't forget to put in the little details, like how does Violet look? How tall is she? More importantly, does she have the blue eyes?! Unless if you put this in a Prologue of some sort, describing more of the background, then I suggest you look over the detail part. It doesn't have to be a big information overload thing, just small things here and there to paint a complete picture in our heads.

A strange scent lingered behind her that I couldn’t place.

I have nothing to correct on this one. I just wanted to praise it. A similar line is said in most pieces of literature, but the writer continues to describe it by comparing it to other odors, sounds, sights, etc. Leaving a few readers that are very nit-picky to ask, I thought they said it was unique and they couldn't place a label on it? Well done on staying true to your writing.

The inside of the building wasn’t any plusher than the outside. Giant cracks webbed across the naked walls and mold caked the ceiling where moisture had seeped in.

Love the highlighted section in this. If you can incorporate the speaker's opinions and feelings into a description, it makes it easier to read because it flows better. Go into more details when you describe the inside. Any particular quirks of the building that Simeon finds amusing or different than other run down buildings? If so, add them.

The only light was from a few candles I hadn’t noticed Violet and another girl were holding.

Random girl much? This is one of the very few breaks in the piece that you can easily identify, or at least I can. Is there any way you can bring her in to where it's very easy to picture, instead of Simeon, Thaddeus, and Violet being together, hugging, excited, and then another random girl shows up? Can she walk around the corner or her footsteps be heard to signify that there was another human being there as well on the ground floor? You don't have to use those example, just come up with a way to introduce her so that the image isn't that...sudden, for lack of a better word. If you want to make the reader not notice her either, focus Simeon's attention on something else, then let it come back to the girl, Violet, Thaddeus, or just the entire idea that what they're doing is very illegal.

The only light was from a few candles I hadn’t noticed Violet and another girl were holding.

Same thing goes here for the random candles. When you bring in the other girl in, incorporate the candles in it as well. Maybe Simeon sees some on the floor that are already burning, or the girls are relighting/lighting new ones, etc. But whatever you choose to do, make sure it flows well with the appearance of the second girl.

The stairs creaked beneath us and I heard Tad let out a suppressed grunt as his head hit the ceiling. I would normally have laughed. But not tonight. My heart was flying.

Description Nazi time again! Were the stairs steep? Was the descend ominous, promised enjoyment, create fear, numb his mind? Make sure the mood/tone is set with either the description of the environment or the speaker's thoughts in this situation.

Comic relief is nice. This one is strategically places; be sure you do the same if you plan to put anymore comic relief scenes in your story, which I think are good to have, especially in a story with such a serious premise as yours.

Good description on the feelings! Can you elaborate for one or two more short sentences?

“Tonight. They’re going to be joining us tonight, not today,” Seth said.

“Well really it’s kind of relative,” Dillon returned.

“How is that relative?” Seth said, and looked up to us for support.

Another good comic relief scene; this also well placed.

I was greeted at the bottom by two other guys. Well, greeted is a bit of an exaggeration.

Lovely identification from Simeon. This let's off that he's pretty relaxed/light hearted at some points of his personality. If you can give him a few more of those moments towards the beginning of this chapter, it'll show readers right off the bat what kind of person he is.

They looked up only as Violet spoke.

Describe Seth and Dillon. What do they look like? Is there anything specific that sets them apart?

“Ignore them,” she said and walked over to us. “My name is Lily. Those are my two idiot brothers. “

This is a little awkwardly placed since Lily wasn't talking before, just holding candles, popping up randomly, and opening cellar doors. Why is she suddenly introducing herself? It would make sense if she was shy, but she's talking confidently and being outspoken by how she's introducing herself. If you want to keep her outgoing personality, then change how she is perceived by her actions when Simeon first sees her. If you want to keep her quiet and shy, have Dillon, Seth, or Violet introduce her. Since it's the beginning of the story overall, since this is the first chapter, we don't usually see a lot of character growth or change over events that take place over such a short slot of time, so see to it that their personalities change, if they do at all, slowly, especially at the beginning. The only case that is major in this, for me, would be Lily. Since she was seen as quiet, or at least assumed to be quiet since she didn't say a word when they entered the building, you wouldn't expect her to suddenly introduce herself in a bold way. Unless you plan on making her have the bipolar disease...if so, then disregard everything that I said about her.

I realized only moments after staring into her vibrant eyes that she was holding out her hand.

Was she the one with the blue eyes, or were her eyes just vibrant?

I was breaking a sweat.

Elaborate on this.

Sooner or later, my voice joined the others without my instruction.

Could you elaborate if he heard the voices in harmony before he joined in?

For the characters, for the most part, everyone went along well with the story personality-wise, except for Lily; be sure you look into that. Simeon developed very well, especially his conflicting thoughts towards the end. My only exception to him would be to add more of his opinions and thoughts to the certain areas that I've picked out. Thaddeus, haven't seen many of his emotions, so I can't comment on anything specific. He comes off to me as someone who doesn't really talk a lot, but he's more himself around people he's close to.

Seth and Dillon, they seem like a fun pair, I actually pictured them as being twin brothers! Be sure you elaborate on how they look, anything different between them, etc. Other than that, they seem pretty well off.

Violet, the impression that she gave off would be enthusiastic, rebellious, sarcastic, and can sometimes act like a bit of a smart-alec. Let us know if those are her blue eyes, though!

Plot, everything flowed together virtually seamlessly. It didn't slow down or speed up in the wrong spots, and the scenes were perfectly spaced between each other. Dialogue was good; realistic conversations between people. Try and put more motions in between dialogue, though. If it's a little lengthy, break it in the middle with a motion or a physical quirk that the character would be doing at the moment instead of putting it at the end. Just saying that for future reference.

Thank you for an awesome read. Work on the description things and you're good to go! You have a lot of good potential for this piece. Also, if you have some more background information about this, you might want to put in it here, so that readers will be able to comprehend the situation and the world they now live in. If you can't weave it in here and there, because that's difficult to do, especially with a dramatic change such as the one you're working with, then do a Prologue.

If you have any specific questions about something that I said that's not really clear, then send me a PM.

Hope this helped.
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~
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Wed Dec 28, 2011 4:24 am
Ranger Hawk says...



Hey Valentine! Here for a review; sorry it's taken me a little while to get to.

Well, I see that Artsy already gave you a very nice detailed review, so if I end up repeating anything that she said, forgive me! I'm just reviewing this as I see things that come up.

For your first paragraph, which I'm assuming is an introduction by Sim, I feel like you've got a good bit of imagery here. Especially once it's coupled with your ending - which was a strong one that I really enjoyed, by the way. At first, though, I kind of just scanned over it; there wasn't a lot to hold my interest, and I wanted to get on to the actual story. Now, I'm not saying it's wrong to have an introduction like that; I just want you to realize that some readers might not have as much as an appreciation for it, especially if they're the type who like to read action novels, such as myself. As far as hooks go, the intro isn't bad - but I didn't find it as riveting as I think you could make it. If you could incorporate those feelings of Sim's into the story itself, I think it could benefit from having a stronger, more involved beginning by starting it off with Tad and Sim discussing the potentially life-threatening adventure they're getting themselves into. Just my thoughts, though, and it's based somewhat off a matter of personal taste. One thing I'd like to say is, don't get rid of this line: "Sometimes I sit alone, watching the sky cry against my bedroom window." I love that line; it's a fantastically fresh look at a typical, mundane action. Well done!

Now, the part where Sim and Tad are driving feels a little disjointed. For some reason, I just don't feel like it's a very smooth narrative. I think this is due in part to the fact that I don't have much to picture during the whole scene. I get the impression that two guys are in a car (and even there, I wasn't sure what they were riding in, or on, like a bike or something, until you mentioned the steering wheel), and there really isn't much description beyond that. I'd like to have an idea what Tad looks like and maybe even what Sim looks like, perhaps through a reflection of his own face that he catches in the window. Also, I'd like to have a little more of a picture inside Sim's head; he knows what the consequences of his actions are, but I don't ever really get a sense of what he's feeling. Nervous, excited, rebellious, ready to die? Having more sensory input (such as, how the chilliness inside the car makes him shiver, or how he nervously licks his lips because they feel dry) would really give a better picture of Sim.

Thousands of orange lights streaked past and we were going fast enough that the lights blended together to form endless lines of light.

Minor issue, but it's too repetitive here. Try changing up a couple of those uses of "light" with synonyms and you're golden.

Tad’s voice sent me snapping upright, gasping.

“You told me to chill out.”

This part doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Is Tad saying this, finding it amusing/ironic that Sim is now acting stressed/anxious? Or is he just saying this in some kind of defense of his actions? I'm thinking it's more along the lines of the former, in which case I think you should emphasize the sarcasm in Tad's voice, like so: "And you told me to chill out."

Now, when it comes to the young men going up to the door, I got a little lost. I thought at first that perhaps the amazing blue eyes were Violet's, but then when I read further on to the part where they're in the building, it seems that Lily's eyes are vibrant, and so now I'm thinking that she was the one who first opened the little window? It'd be nice to have clarification here. Also, I think that describing the girls' appearance would be good, just to differentiate between the two and, again, have something to picture.

The only light was from a few candles I hadn’t noticed Violet and another girl were holding.

I get what you're saying with this sentence, but it just sounds awkward to me. I think if you broke this up into two sentences it might work better. For example, something like:
"The only light came from the flickering flames of a couple of candles. I hadn't noticed before that Violet and another girl were holding them."
Just an idea, but I think it makes the change in what Sim notices to be smoother.

You had some good little exchanges between characters that I really like; for example, when Sim mentions how he would have laughed at Tad hitting his head, or Seth and Dillon's conversation about tonight-today. Those instances were cute, but more importantly they were great at giving me a glimpse into their relationships and how they might usually act. It just felt natural, and I really like the way you added those bits in.

Well, that's all I've got to say. On the whole, this was a really well-written piece and I enjoyed reading it. Please let me know if you've got any questions concerning anything I said. And keep up the great work. :)

Cheers!
~Hawk
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle
  





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Wed Dec 28, 2011 9:54 pm
Valentine says...



Thanks so much you two for the awesome reviews! I tried to correct everything you said and have updated the version above. Thanks alot!
"You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villain- TDK"

-My Bloody Valentine Reviews-
  





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Thu Dec 29, 2011 8:25 pm
Blues says...



Hey there! I'm here as requested. (I'm sorry that this is a bit late - I had it saved but was unaware that I didn't post it yet!)

Ooh, Music is illegal?! I'd get punished within 3 minutes. I listen to music for an hour or two every night! XD Anyway, let's get started.

First of all... is this meant to be in short stories? I thought it'd be a novel. If it is a novel, just message someone in green and they'll gladly move it for you. But ignore that if it is supposed to be in Novels.

As for your style of writing, I enjoyed it a lot. It felt good and natural to me, so well done on that. Now, to improve - I'm not sure if anyone felt the same, but Sim and Tad sounded extremely similar. I couldn't differentiate them, to be honest. Your writing is really good here, so if you differentiate them by, say, making Tad miss out all the Gs on words that end in 'ing' "I was playin' in my backyard while my mum was singin' inside..." (bad example), then that could improve it a bit. I hope you see what I'm trying to get at. Just make sure that the way they talk suits their character - after all, you wouldn't expect Barack Obama speak with a French accent or Nicolas Sarkozy say 'blud' or anything XD

Nasty Nitpicks
I hate nitpicking, but nevertheless...

“Well, you can explain to Violet how you were too scared,” I said, and slid my feet up onto the dashboard. “It’s not even that big of a deal. Chill out. “

Up there, the speech mark at the end was facing the wrong way. Just remove the space so it turns the right way. It happened on a few occasions.

And that's it really! It's clear you worked hard, and it's paid off. It's great! Well done.

Keep Writing!

Mac
  





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Sat Jan 07, 2012 11:00 am
Angelreader77 says...



Hey there!
This was a nice dystopian read. The concept of the world without music is really good and I like the way you've presented it.
Your descriptions and conversations made the story life-like and I could even feel the emotions of the characters. I like the way you've captured Sim's wonder and ecstasy at music. The first note of music to his ears, the pure joys, escape from th world stripped of life :D
I don't have much to nitpick, except:
“Are you serious? Like a real instrument?” I said in shock. I didn’t know that anybody had instruments anymore, let alone some kids.

How about displaying his shock? His curiosity? His guilt of breaking rules? His fear?
I'm just suggesting you elaborate his shock a bit, seeing he doesn't know anything about music :)
It was a really nice read and keep writing :D
Angel
"The cure for anything is salt water- sweat, tears or the sea." --Isaac Dinesen
  








Poetry is like a bird, it ignores all frontiers.
— Yevgeny Yevtushenko