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Young Writers Society


Change of Plans



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Gender: Female
Points: 1622
Reviews: 9
Mon Dec 12, 2011 7:19 pm
creativelyyours says...



I slap a small box of t-shirts onto the counter then unfold the flaps so that I can get started on my daily replenishing procedures. I suck back the long and heavy sigh making its way through my diaphragm, reminding myself that there are only 129 more days left of this before I am shipped off to Albuquerque to begin my life as a free girl. A girl who’s able to go wherever she wants without provided supervision and to wear whatever she wants without being subjected to apparel security.

As my mind rambled on about the misfortunes of my life, I hadn’t noticed the someone standing before me, subtly clearing their throat.

I look up from my untended to responsibilities and stare blankly at the person in front of me. Normally, I’m not one to judge the choice of one’s clothing believing that everyone is entitled to his or her own tastes. But with that being said, this guy could have taken a lesson from the growing population of beach goers surrounding him. He was decked out in a pair of black shades that would imaginably make him blind, a baseball hat with its brim creating a shadow over his already obscured enough eyes, and a long coat that looked ridiculous against the blinding sun shining brightly behind him. It was nearly 92 degrees! He had to be from Alaska or something.

“Can I help you?” I ask, portraying as much mirth as I could despite my current circumstances.

Mr. Shady took a couple glances around as if he were on the run. Or casing the place. “Yeah. Do you have any hats, by chance?”

Because he was in such a desperate need for a new one… I push back the frown reaching my brows. Against my initial thoughts to attempt to save him from heat exhaustion, I point towards the back where a rack of hats are displayed.

“Thanks.”

And just like that he flies to the rack, and begins his search for more head articles to slap on in scorching weather.
I shake my head. These are the types of people I came across working in retail.

Moments later, Hat Boy approaches the counter again with his selection in hand.

“Did you find what you were looking for?” I ask. The real question was “Are you insane?” But that wouldn’t be appropriate clerk behavior.

He tosses a red “Go Surf” hat onto the counter. “Yeah. Thanks.”

I scan the object, trying my best to keep my inner thoughts inside. But curiosity gets the best of me as I watch him squirm, continuously checking out his surroundings, from the corner of my eye. “You must be in a big hurry.”

Caught off guard, he shoots me a look as if I’ve found him out for whatever it is he’s so antsy about. “What?”

I give a nonchalant shrug as I bag his hat. “You just seem to be in a rush or something.”

Was that a sigh of relief? “No. I’m just… you know, checking out the scenes. Wondering where I should go to next. Pretty big place.”

“Yeah,” I say, though my brain says, But what do you really mean… I hand over his bag. “Thanks for shopping at Go Surf. Have a nice day.”

“Thanks.” He takes the bag and shuffles out the store. A second later he ducks, turns around and starts towards the opposite direction much quicker.

I lean over the counter and rest my chin on my fist. What was he up to? Then I glance at the cash register. There wasn’t a ring. There wasn’t a ring because I forgot to finish the transaction! That thief ran away without paying!

“Wait!” I race in the direction he’s gone, ignoring the calls from Valarie. How could I make such a stupid mistake?

I stop at the congested bridge leading towards the grand Boardwalk, taking a moment to catch my breath. I shade my eyes with my hand and search the multitude of beach people and the endless stretch of sand. If I don’t find this guy, Elizabeth will most likely fire me. Not like I’m not fond of that idea, but unfortunately keeping that job is more important to me than the desire to leave it, seeing as my entire future depends on it.

My eyes continue to carefully scan every inch of beach around me, but he’s nowhere in sight. Where could he have gone so fast? I pivot to begin my search in the other direction and slam into a solid figure wearing a red cap.

“Whoa!”

“Sorry.” This time I heave a sigh of relief, which then transforms into a huff of indignation.

“Aren’t you supposed to be working?” he asks. The skepticism in his voice is palpable. Like I’m the one who just committed a crime.

“I am working.” I hold out my hand, palm up. “That’ll be $2.50.”

His brows rise above the edge of his shades. “Oh! Right. Sorry.”

He digs inside his pocket and pulls out his wallet. Absently, I take a peek at his driver’s license to catch a glimpse of the real boy behind the walking shadow. I tilt my head to get a better look. Maybe my perception was a little obscured from that point of view, it being upside down, but from that angle he looked a lot like…

“What are you doing?”

I lean back as he flips his wallet closed and holds out the money. “I just wanted to know what you looked like underneath all that stuff.”

Sometimes I wish my thoughts would stay behind the boundaries of my brain.

“Believe me. I’m just a regular guy.”

He certainly didn’t look like an ordinary guy. And no ordinary guy ran out of shops without paying first. I wave the cash at him. “Next time, Mr. Regular guy, you might want to make sure you pay for your purchases. Otherwise it’s called stealing.”

He smirks. “Thanks for the advice. I’ll keep it in mind.”

I give a sorry excuse for a smile in return, unable to come up with any other witty remarks, and start heading back towards the store. Hopefully, I’ll still have a job when I get there.

~~~
“Where were you?”

I roll my eyes as soon as I enter the shop. The moment I step inside, Valarie snaps at me, but luckily I’ve learned how to tune out all of the drivel and get straight to her point.

She steps away from a rack of cargo shorts and glares down at me like a hawk. “You can’t just run out of here like that. If Elizabeth were here…”

I move behind the counter and open the register with a press of a few buttons. The only reason why she’s so stressed out about me leaving is because when I’m not there she actually has to do something. This had nothing to do with Elizabeth.

“I had to get the money from this guy.”

“You chased down a shoplifter?” Her hands are on her hips and for a second it looks like she honestly cares about my wellbeing.

“He didn’t do it on purpose,” I say. That guy clearly had personal issues. His mind was so wrapped up in whatever preoccupied it that he just forgot to pay. Just like how my mind was so wrapped up on what those issues could be that I forgot to ask him to pay. “It was a harmless accident.”

Just as quickly as she entered overprotective big sister mode, she aborts it leaving no signs of its existence. “Well, don’t let it happen again.” She steps away and floats over to her favorite type of customer: a cute boy with a nice tan.

As I get back to my t-shirt duties, I meditate on my preceding mini adventure. It felt nice to jump out of the norm, even for just a second. But now that that problem was solved and Hat Boy was back to his shifty shenanigans, I was in for another five excruciating hours of monotony.
~God is Love. Love like God.~

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Gender: Female
Points: 266
Reviews: 11
Mon Dec 12, 2011 8:28 pm
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Vicky17 says...



Hi,
First thing: I really liked your story! It was great in every sense of the word and I especially like this Hat boy character. You portrayed him as this mysterious, unusual fellow which makes me very keen to find out more about him.
Very small nitpicks:
" I look up from my untended to responsibilites..." I had to read it a couple of times to get it maybe if you wrote it: untended-to-responsibilities, it might help.
Actually I think that was the only one.
I look foward to reading the rest :D
  





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Wed Dec 14, 2011 3:01 am
NightWriter says...



Hey again,

I really, really enjoyed reading this one.
You have a knack for writing it 'like it is'. Cheerful, colourful and blunt.

This one piece of dialogue made me laugh:

“Next time, Mr. Regular guy, you might want to make sure you pay for your purchases. Otherwise it’s called stealing.”


Sometimes it's really difficult to insert humor into writing, but you do it really well.

Well done!

NightWriter x
raised by wolves // brought up on words.
  





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Points: 25520
Reviews: 308
Sat Dec 17, 2011 4:43 am
AlfredSymon says...



A change of plans? Here's another plan, I'll comment on this piece, how's does that sound?

I just want to admit that you're story is some sort of word-packed, subtle, explosive, colorful, humorous, creative, clever, witty, brilliant story I really am a fanatic of. In short, I love it ;)

Characters and Settings: :D :D :D :) :)
I like this because you didn't set it in a weird outer space world wherein time and space takes turn distorting the universe, you put in a normal place with normal people enjoying their normal lives...but didn't expect an exciting thing to happen to them :) This is what makes stories good, it's a common pattern, but it never grows old...unlike movie producers.

Technicality: :D :) :) :) :)
Actually, you never did any grammatical or spelling flaws in this work. If you did some mistakes, you did a great job not making them obvious to the reader :) . You can be a great thief heist someday! It's just a thought. Although, I have to say that some of your sentences are not properly structured, especially the ones wherein you want readers to go in some kind of transition. I don't want to go particular, so just make a general check-up by yourself.

Concept and Theme: :D :D :D :D
You're story brought a lot of ideas, although some, I can't make a thought of...It's just that some of your paragraphs confuse me. But don't get me wrong, I love the concept and theme of your work. I especially like the last part:

But now that that problem was solved and Hat Boy was back to his shifty shenanigans, I was in for another five excruciating hours of monotony.


It really brings the story into a close, a great conclusion. Funny and clever :) !

Overall: :D :D :) :) :)
I like your work in many ways! But remember to check up on it on your own because there are many things a reader can miss. And bear in mind that the greatest opinion for an author is his own. Ours are just seconds. :)

Keep writing, good luck and keep it up!
Al, Quick Critic
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