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Within The Grave



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Tue Dec 06, 2011 11:28 pm
soccer9angelvb says...



Andrea
Ever heard the saying two’s company, three’s a crowd? I could definitely relate to this. My best friend, Sophie, is one of the popular kids at school. For her it was easy, she has this aura around her that everyone likes. So if Sophie’s there two or three other people are there too.
It was Friday night and as usual I was at Sophie’s house in my faded jeans and my favorite black sneakers with one of my Garnet Valley High School Volleyball sweatshirts. Sophie always hosts a party at her house every Friday. We basically just talked and danced, but there was music and food so the whole ninth grade population was there. The music was so loud it hurt, even my ears, and I liked to rock out with it just below danger level.
I was leaning against the banister in the main hallway of Sophie’s house and staring at a piece of lint that was floating above the vent on the top corner of the wall in front of me, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I nearly jumped out of my skin, but you know, I played it cool. I turned casually, as if I hadn’t a care in the world, though really I was vexed. Didn’t they know better than to sneak up on people like that? It was a guy with curly dark hair and brown eyes who looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t place his name. He was shorter than me by a bit and knew it. He pointed down to the floor and said,
“Your cup spilled.” My cup, which had previously held fruit punch was tipped over on a rather corpulent white rug. The red liquid was already prominently displayed throughout the rug. Whoops. Sophie’s parents were not going to happy.
“Oh…um, thanks. What did you say your name was again?” I asked as I bent down to try to clean up the mess. He raised his eyebrows and said,
“I didn’t, but it’s Theo.” Seeing no reaction from me he continued.
“Theo Henry.” It clicked then. He was this really smart kid who was in all the advanced classes. He was the kind of person who did all of the math problems instead of just the evens, for fun. Yuck. Normally he just kept to himself and didn’t really talk to anyone, so I was kind of surprised to see him here.
“Sorry. I haven’t felt too good all evening. Maybe I have a tumor in my brain and it’s affecting my memory.” I joked. I didn’t get a laugh or smile, nothing. Pathetic.
“I was just heading out, I can walk you home if you want.”
“No that’s okay. Wouldn’t want you to go out of your way for nothing.” Theo stared at me and then said very slowly,
“We’re neighbors.” I sighed. Not really seeing any other way out of this, I threw my cup into one of the trashcans in the hall.
“Definitely a brain tumor.” I muttered as we walked out the front door and into the street.
It was March and colder than enough for me to appreciate my sweatshirt. The streetlights were so old they emitted more of a faded yellow glow than actual light. I was feeling much better now and I kind of regretted leaving the party. I started counting down the blocks to get home. No one wanted to be out here in the cold.
“Um… Julius Caesar died today.” Theo said. I really think he was just trying to break up the awkward silence, but telling me that a Roman leader was assassinated today… was a little much. I rolled my eyes.
“Yup. March 15, 44 BC.” I said. Two blocks.
Theo
I was really just trying to be nice by walking Andrea home. Her face had a sort of green tint to it and I think Sophie’s parents would’ve rather had punch in their rug than puke. She didn’t have to be so stubborn. Not feeling good obviously didn’t affect her attitude. I’ve always thought March 15 was a momentous occasion. It marks the death of an important figure in history.
There was almost no light, but I could just make out the dark glass of one of the most expensive jewelry stores around. I think we were about two blocks from home. Andrea was walking just ahead of me when we passed a alley and she stopped. I would think back to that moment and hate her for it.
“Oh my god.” She whispered. I was at the alley now and as I squinted into the darkness there was the sound of foot steps and two large men wearing all black stepped through a door from the back of the store. Slowly I bent down without taking my eyes off the men and grabbed something next to my foot. I didn’t know what I was going to use it for, but it was something. They were stacking bags into a car on the other side of the alley and I could just imagine what they were doing. We didn’t have proof they were stealing, but I wasn’t going to stand around waiting for them to confirm it.
I pulled on Andrea’s sweatshirt and she jumped back, stepping on my foot. I landed on the pavement with a soft thud. I quickly scrambled up trying to be quiet about it, but they’d heard us.
The two men turned as one, glanced at each other, then sprinted towards us closing the distance faster than I could think, so I didn’t. I threw the thing I had picked up, a rock, at them and they ducked. It went over and smashed into a window. Alarms started blaring. Andrea and I turned and ran, but we weren’t fast enough. I had always stunk at sports so I was wheezing after the first block. They were gaining very quickly. Suddenly, I didn’t imagine what could happen if we were caught, I knew we were going to get caught. That thought didn’t help too much.
I felt strong arms knock me to the ground and I blacked out.
When I woke up I stayed very still. I didn't dare hold on to the dream that the robbers were caught and we were safe. That was wishful thinking. Slowly I realized we were moving and I opened my eyes. At first I thought it was a car, but no. It was a plane. To be more specific, what looked like a private-jet. There was a small window in the side of the jet and I could see lights twinkling below. Andrea was still asleep, or maybe I should say knocked out, beside me.
I looked up and there was a bulky man staring right at me in front of the door. His look said, “Yes, you’re not tied up. That’s I’m here for.” I wiped my sweaty hands on my jacket and tried to breathe. I was positive that these robbers were not novices, stealing for the first time. We would have been searched, they’d take away any kind of devices we had. We could be anywhere, with no way to contact people who’d help us. Since there was nothing I could do I settled in to wait.
I think I fell asleep sometime after that, I’m not sure. I kept thinking that this was for real. This was not a book I was reading. Not make believe. We had been kidnapped.
Andrea
I’m not sure I’m ever going to forget that feeling of helplessness as we ran from the robbers. It’s going to haunt me forever.
I woke up with a pounding headache. I was in a dimly light room that had one light-bulb hanging in the center of the ceiling. There was a brown cabinet off in the corner, a table, and a chair. The room was about 8 feet by 6 feet. Theo was sitting in the chair staring at table.
“Had enough beauty sleep?” He asked. I grunted while holding my head.
“Will you shut up?” I demanded. I was not in the mood for his witticisms. I tried think of what we should do next, but I couldn’t come up with anything. Finally I sighed and looked at Theo. The guy actually smirked at me. He was getting more and more annoying.
“The door is locked. I checked the cabinets and they’re locked too. There’s a guard that comes every hour, it’s probably Saturday, and,” He took a deep breath and then continued, “and I think we are in Paris.” If I would’ve had food in my mouth, I would’ve choked.
“As in Paris, Paris?” I stuttered, I had always wanted to go to Paris, France, but not like this. He just nodded.“They took us on a plane ride, then a car ride, and when they transferred us from the car to this building we’re in, I got a glimpse of our surroundings. Everything was in French and then I saw a sign that said something about the Effiel Tower.” Theo informed me on what had happened while I was unconscious.
We talked quietly about possibilities to escape. As Theo had said every now and then a man poked his head through the door, studied us and the room, and left. When we got tired we went to sleep. They brought us water, but not food so I was amazed I could sleep at all with it growling in pain.
When the next guard came I exploded. I just couldn’t stand the waiting any longer.
“Who do you think you are to hold us captive like this?” The man paused and looked at me.
“We are one of the most powerful organizations under Bosco Landerson. We make him rich, he pays us handsomely. You witnessed us in one of our missions.” The guy had a heavy French accent, but I understood him well enough. We finally had information to work with. The man left and we were alone again.
When I glanced at Theo his face was whiter than a blank piece of paper. He sat down in the opposite corner running his hands nervously through his hair.
“It was a possibility... I didn’t think... stupid...dang it!” He murmured to himself. I felt myself grow nervous. Was it something I had said? Theo glared determinedly at the door.
“Andrea, we need a plan.”
As we waited in the dark, I gripped the wooden table leg tighter to myself. Theo had disabled the light and together we had broken off one of the legs of the table. Theo still hadn’t told me why he had freaked out earlier. He was very focused on escaping as soon as possible.
Then I heard the keys go into the lock and I bit my lip. The door opened and I could just make out the outline of the man’s head. I swung as hard as I could and he didn’t even make a sound as he collapsed. There was probably going to be a welt on his head where I had hit him, but at the moment I didn’t feel sorry.
We hauled his body into the room, went out to the hall, and closed the door. The hall was deserted, no one was there. Weird, I thought, wouldn't they have guards if they were as big an organization as they said they were? I decided it was thier mistake not mine, but I still couldn't shake off the uneasy feeling in my stomach. I was sure Theo was counting down the seconds as we ran as quietly as we could through the maze of halls. There was a number of doors lining the sides, but they were all locked. We had several close calls, thankfully at intersections so we weren’t seen. I was getting desperate. Our hour was almost up.
It was one of those close calls when we figured it out. We watched as a guy turned toward a door instead of continue down the hall and go through.
“Did you see that? What’d he do?” Theo whispered. I smiled. I knew exactly what he did, these people were clever. I walked over to the door and instead of pressing on the side with the doorknob, I pressed against the opposite side.
The opened to a small room similar to the one we had been kept in. There was door across from us and a table in the center. The guy we had seen had gone through the other door. I was opening the door when I noticed Theo wasn’t with me. He was at the table staring intently at something.
Theo
It was a picture. A photograph really, with what looked like random letters on the back. It reminded me of the word puzzles in the newspaper I used to do when I was bored. I shrugged to myself, folded it up, and stuck it in my jacket pocket. It could be something interesting.
The door ended up being the way out we had been looking for. It opened up to a huge loading dock with four trucks lined up in front of us. We let the door shut then sprinted away from the building and around the trucks. We were on the streets of Paris. I kind of marvelled at my audacity to take the picture, but then I had to focus on running. I could tell Andrea was holding back and staying with me instead of running as fast as she could. It made me feel bad that I was the weak link.
Apparently Andrea decided I couldn’t go any farther, which was probably true. I tried to tell her that we had to keep moving, that the building most likely had had cameras, that there were going to be people looking for us. She didn’t get the message.
There was a old man with his back turned away from us right outside the door of the edifice in front of us. He seemed not to notice as Andrea pulled me inside. We ran in pitch-darkness. I don’t know where she was taking me, but suddenly we stopped. We were both panting hard now, me from trying to run, her from trying to keep me on my feet.
I stepped backwards, but there was nothing to step on. I grabbed Andrea’s arm and we both crashed down the stairs. When we reached the bottom it took me a moment or two to stand up. I felt my way around and there were stairs on both sides of us. I gulped, which side had we fallen down? I was about to call out for Andrea when she elbowed me in the face.
“Sorry. Let’s go this way.” She whispered. Holding my nose, I followed her up the stairs hoping she had good instincts. I counted the steps as we went up. It started getting colder. When we reached the top we paused. The only soound I could hear was my over active heart.
"What do you think?" I heard Andrea whisper. I didn't think we should do anything. Safety procedures said that if you get lost you're supposed to stay where are. Apparently Andrea didn't think of that. She jerked me forward and we kept walking. I got the feeling that Andrea was randomly choosing which way to go, but I was too unnerved to do anything.
Andrea
I hate the dark. It makes you feel lost. We were lost though and I was frustrated. There was an idea in the back of my mind that kept coming back.
“Theo, were you counting the steps?”
“Yeah. 83 steps. Why?”
“What would you judge the temperature to be?”
“Maybe below 20 degrees. I’m freezing.” I gulped. I remember reading an article in the Geographic Magazines, while waiting in the dentist's office, about the Catacombs of Paris. It was this maze of passageways and tunnels under Paris. You had to go down 130 steps then up 83 steps. The temperature was 14 degrees. We had sat down next to the wall and I ran my hand over it. There were grooves and bumps that could be almost circular. I snatched my hand away when I thought of the skulls. I shivered. I was so cold I couldn’t feel my face anymore.
“Why did you freak out when that guy talked to us?” I asked.
“He gave us information. That meant they weren’t planning on us telling about being kidnapped. They were going to get rid of us.” He said. Our situation was like something from a book. I kept thinking, this couldn't be happening. Which would you rather be in? Hunted by thieves who meant to kill us? Or trapped underground, lost beneath the City of Lights? Lucky for us, we got both.
“Theo... I think we're lost in the Catacombs of Paris.”
He didn’t respond.
Go GREEKS and ROMANS !!!!!!!!!!!!
  





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Wed Dec 07, 2011 4:09 pm
Twit says...



Hello soccer9!

Your narrative here is very good. It has a nice flow to it, and the characters really comes through; there’s a great sense of voice. It’s your plot and characterisation that need work, though. (Oh, and a side note here: this seems to be the first chapter of something longer, so it really ought to be under Novels.)

“Oh…um, thanks. What did you say your name was again?”


This is kind of a weird thing to say so early in the conversation. He’s only said one thing to her, so it’s obvious that he hasn’t told her his name. If they’d been chatting for a while, this would have been more realistic, but with only one line between them, it comes across as a forced way to reveal the guy’s name.

Your formatting’s messed up as well.

He raised his eyebrows and said,
“I didn’t, but it’s Theo.” Seeing no reaction from me he continued.
“Theo Henry.”


Keep all dialogue belonging to the same person together. Each person gets one line, and you don’t start a new line until another person starts talking. This should look like this:

He raised his eyebrows and said, “I didn’t, but it’s Theo.” Seeing no reaction from me, he continued, “Theo Henry.”


And I don’t know, the joke about the tumour seems a bit off. I mean, more than bad taste—cancer’s something that you might joke about with people you know well, but Andrea doesn’t know Theo or like him. How does she know that he doesn’t have cancer, or a house full of cancer-diagnosed relatives?

Slowly I bent down without taking my eyes off the men and grabbed something next to my foot.


Buh... what? “Something”? “Something” could be anything! Pebble, pipe, tree branch, sweet wrapper, chewed gum, million pound diamond necklace...


Suddenly, I didn’t imagine what could happen if we were caught, I knew we were going to get caught. That thought didn’t help too much.
I felt strong arms knock me to the ground and I blacked out.
When I woke up I stayed very still. I didn't dare hold on to the dream that the robbers were caught and we were safe. That was wishful thinking. Slowly I realized we were moving and I opened my eyes. At first I thought it was a car, but no. It was a plane. To be more specific, what looked like a private-jet. There was a small window in the side of the jet and I could see lights twinkling below. Andrea was still asleep, or maybe I should say knocked out, beside me.


One word: pace. This is all over so quickly! I mean, I know it would be over quickly, but I want more emotion than an “Oh my, I’m puffed, I really should work out more”. There’s no panic, no despair, no terror. Also, getting knocked out really doesn’t work like this. If you get hit on the head hard enough to lose consciousness, that usually means something like a concussion, which means throwing up, blurry vision, sometimes hallucinations. Indiana Jones laughs at concussions, but they’re pretty darn serious.

I was positive that these robbers were not novices, stealing for the first time. We would have been searched, they’d take away any kind of devices we had.


If these robbers are so good, why did they drag along a couple of kids? If they’re really good robbers, they would have just killed them so there would be no witnesses. And if they didn’t want to kill them, then they should have at least blindfolded them so they couldn’t see anyone’s faces. And why take them along on their private plane? Don’t they have somewhere else they could take them, like a warehouse, locker-room, big barn out in the middle of nowhere? And why were they so concerned with bringing them along anyway? If they’re experienced criminals, then they should have taken more precautions with witnesses, had a getaway vehicle close by. And so what if two kids go to the police and say, “Hey, we saw these guys robbing this place!” The police will say, “Did you get a good look at their faces?” The kids say, “No, it was dark and they wore masks. We really didn’t see anything.” The police shake their heads and say, “Hoo boy, these sure are some cunning crooks, they’ve obviously done this before.”

The room was about 8 feet by 6 feet.


How realistic is this? She’s just woken up from being bashed on the head—isn’t she going to be sleepy, woozy, groggy, concussed? And even if she wasn’t, she’s not Rain Man; people don’t usually take one look around a room and instantly gage its dimensions.


The guy actually smirked at me. He was getting more and more annoying.


But she’s not worried at all about her situation?


“They took us on a plane ride, then a car ride, and when they transferred us from the car to this building we’re in, I got a glimpse of our surroundings. Everything was in French and then I saw a sign that said something about the Effiel Tower.” Theo informed me on what had happened while I was unconscious.


Why was Andrea out so much longer than Theo? And, really, how plausible is it that the bad guys let Theo see everything so clearly like this? Why not shove him in the boot of the trunk with a bag over his head?

“Who do you think you are to hold us captive like this?” The man paused and looked at me.
“We are one of the most powerful organizations under Bosco Landerson. We make him rich, he pays us handsomely. You witnessed us in one of our missions.”


Similarly, really how likely is it the bad guy goon is going to nicely answer all their questions? Surely he’d just slosh her a ripe one and yell at her to shut her $%*!!!** mouth.


There was a old man with his back turned away from us right outside the door of the edifice in front of us. He seemed not to notice as Andrea pulled me inside. We ran in pitch-darkness.


I’m confused, I thought you said they came out onto the streets of Paris?


“Theo... I think we're lost in the Catacombs of Paris.”


I’m really not very convinced.


---

Hi!

Sorry if any of the above sounded harsh or mean in anyway; it’s not meant to be, it’s meant to help you improve and all. :)

The main problem with this is its plausibility. Why would a huge criminal organisation rob a normal jewellery store in America? Surely they’d go after far bigger and classier targets. Why would a huge criminal organisation take along two witnesses? Surely it would be far quicker and easier to just kill them, or at least blindfold them. They don’t seem to have taken any precautions—they let Theo see where they were going, they lock them up in the HQ, they don’t have any real guards on the door. If they’re concerned enough about them to bring them along, why aren’t they concerned enough to have a proper door, with a keypad or security system and cameras and microphones? That way they wouldn’t need to send in a guard, they could watch them all the time on the cameras.

I’m sorry, I know having holes picked in your plot isn’t fun, but you need to consider all possibilities. Don’t just think like Andrea and Theo, think like the criminal Big Cheese who’s in charge of all this. As Theo and Andrea, you want to escape, but as the Big Cheese, you want to get rid of all potential witnesses and make sure your plans succeed. Right now, with all these holes, you’re only thinking as Theo and Andrea, so you’re making it easy for them. Think as the Big Cheese and make it as hard as you can. It’s like playing chess against yourself. It doesn’t matter what colour you’re playing, you just want to win. The Big Cheese wants to win just as much as Andrea and Theo do.

PM or Wall me if you have any questions!

-twit
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this."


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Thu Dec 08, 2011 11:39 pm
soccer9angelvb says...



Thanks for your advice twit, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. This was my first post and I didn't know what to expect. I kind of winged it to see what would happen. Yes, I realize that improvements would need to be made before I could call it "finished", but that's what this site is for. Overall I enjoyed just getting a review. Thanks ;)
Go GREEKS and ROMANS !!!!!!!!!!!!
  








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