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Young Writers Society


Now, thinking is a must.



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Wed Nov 30, 2011 6:01 pm
Cannonball says...



Italian version:

Ogni istante accentua sempre maggiormente l'inclinazione di questo vascello, ormai piegato oltremodo.
Una sinfonia dalle sfumate note musicali spreme una stempiata ironia su questo tavolo occupato dai soli volti di cera.
Siede qui, nella sottocoperta, dove il mare non si vede, ma già lo si sente, perché più vicino.
Ogni cosa ormai non poggia più su alcuna convinzione e il moto delle onde, sposta tutto un po' qua e un po' là.
Il disordine regna sovrano nella sua mente, luogo in cui i pensieri corrono per le strade di emozioni avvolte, lanciando sassi e distruggendo quel poco di speranza che gli rimane.
L'acqua inizia a farsi ingombrante e il legno pesante, ma egli, nell'immobilità del re ammattito, ascolta le grida dei pensieri e del vascello che a poco a poco si inarca, ormai frustrato dall'agonia della sua instabilità, è consapevole che l'equilibrio si è perso tempi or sono.
Lo scricchiolio del legno attraversa tutte le crepe della sua mente, che adesso, sono tanto grandi che all'interno ospitano bimbi innocenti dai vestiti sporchi.
E' là che rifugiano; al buio, sono rannicchiati.
Hanno paura di vedere quel male ormai diffuso in ogni spazio grigio e lì, in quelle crepe, sopravvivono mantenendo viva la delicatezza della più sincera spontaneità.
Per quale motivo, pensa, rinchiudersi qui sotto, senza poter aver per lo meno il piacere di vedere.
Sul ponte si siede e scruta il mezzo corpo del vascello già sommerso e quel poco di intatto che rimane.
Si accende una sigaretta e contempla il tempo contagocce.
Il fumo si eleva in file di particelle che sembrano deragliare e proseguire verso la dispersione, là, dove la mente si è già consegnata, concedendo un po' di sana luce agli occhi dei fanciulli che lo abitano e da poco tempo, lo vivono.


English version :



Each time, accentuates increasingly the slope of this vessel, now bent beyond measure.
A symphony by nuanced musical notes creates a crazy irony of this table occupied by the only faces of wax.
He sits here, in the deck, where the sea is not seen, but already it is felt, because it is already closer.
Everything now is not based on any more conviction and the waves move around a bit here and a little there.
The disorder reigns supreme in his mind, where thoughts run through the streets of distorted emotions, throwing rocks and destroying that little hope that remains.
The water starts to become cumbersome and the wood begins to be heavy, but he, in the stillness of the mad king, hear the cries of the thoughts and the cries of the vessel that bends gradually, frustrated by the agony of its instability, is aware that the balance has been lost time ago.
The creaking of the wood goes through all the cracks of his mind, now, they are so great that they have inside, innocent children with dirty clothes.
that's where they take refuge; in the darkness, they crouch.
They are afraid to see the evil now spread to every gray space, and there, in those cracks, they survive by keeping alive the sensitivity of sincere spontaneity.
Why, he thinks, shut himself up, below, without being able to have, at least, the pleasure of seeing.
On the deck of the ship, he sits and scans the body of the vessel already half submerged, and the little that remains intact.
He lights a cigarette and watches the slow time.
The smoke rises in rows of particles that seem to derail and continue to spread, there, where the mind has already been delivered, allowing some light to the eyes of children who live him, and more recently, live him.
  





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Sun Dec 04, 2011 1:39 am
ladymarmalade says...



I will admit, the Italian version intimidated me at first, but seeing that there was a English version relieved me. Haha, but to get to the actual review, I'll start off by saying I adored this. The details and thought into the story not only flowed like the ocean, but rocked in syncronized beat like every crashing wave. It gave me an old times feel, which I love. It also made me feel somewhat regretful. This gave me actual chills. I'm serious. Fabulous job.
  





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Sun Dec 04, 2011 2:57 pm
EvensLily says...



hello, Cannonball!
I would just like to say, did you use a translator for the English version? I don't think you did, and if you didn't wow. Absulutly brilliant english. If you are English/American and speak Itailan as a second language, wow again. I have the highest respect for people who can speak a second language. For a girl who has grown up in an international community and to have people my age who can speak 3 or 4 differnet languages and me sitting there with one, it makes me smile to see the different languages!
Just a couple of NitPicks.
Each time, accentuates increasingly- It really should say: it accentuates, accentuates is not a stand alone word.
A symphony by nuanced- this is a spelling error, should be nuance.
cracks of his mind, now, they are- I would personally put, mind, now; they are
Grey space, and there, in those cracks - Again i would personally put: and there; in those
The only two things, i personally believe you need to write about is Sentence length and Sentence structure.
Sentence lengh really has an effect on the fluidity of the writing and sentence structure really has the effect on how you read it off the page.
Other than the NitPicks I think its a great piece of writing :)
Love,
Evenslily x
Write and Smile people! X
  





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Sun Dec 04, 2011 3:42 pm
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Cannonball says...



For Evenslily:
That's my english; i haven't used google translator and my first language is Italian and not english. :)
Thank you for Nitpicks and for your compliments. :)
  





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Sun Dec 04, 2011 3:43 pm
Cannonball says...



For ladymarmalade:

Thank you ! :)
  








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