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Young Writers Society


My Precious, Kidnapped part 1



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Gender: Female
Points: 903
Reviews: 1
Sat Nov 26, 2011 7:40 am
Sparkyrox2 says...



-this is written in a script form but hopefully u could understand it. I have made 4 stories in all but this is the only one that i have posted online the others are written in my notebook. I sometimes place my punctuations in the wrong place so please have patience in understanding what im writing.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hi! I'm Megan Kleen and I am eleven years old. I have always wanted a little sister. Let me tell you something I experienced two years ago.

(two years ago)

Megan: MOM!
Dad: Stay here, Meg - your little sis is coming.
Megan: Ok!
I waited for five hours just to see that cute face of my sister, to touch her little cute hands. I was far beyond ready to accept my new role as a big sister.
(Dad comes into the room.)
Dad: Hi, Meg.
Megan: Where is mom, dad?
Dad: Inside, holding your little sister. Want to see her?
Megan: Sure!
(Both of them walk towards the room where her dad came out from.)
Mom: Hi, honey.
Megan: HI MOM! Wow, the baby is beautiful. What's her name?
Mom: I was thinking that you should choose for her, Megan.
Megan: Yay! What about Zarah Kleen?
Mom: That's an amazing name, Megan.
Dad: I agree!
Megan: Mom when can you go home?
mom: After three days.

(five days later)

Megan: MOM! Let's go for a walk in the park.
Mom: Ok, sweety.
Megan: And I'll bring Zarah on the stroller!
Mom: Ok.

I had never been so happy in my entire life as I was upon recieving a new little sister. This was a dream come true until...
Last edited by Sparkyrox2 on Fri Dec 09, 2011 11:13 am, edited 1 time in total.
Every minute someone is born, every minute someone dies, every minute someone smiles for the very first time, every minute are there occasions,Every minute never stops..
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 615
Reviews: 16
Sat Nov 26, 2011 8:05 am
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Taxi says...



Hey Sparky. I like what you've written so far! It's cute, but Megan's parents asking her to name her sister feels very unrealistic. I'm not necessarily suggesting that you change that aspect of the story, but it definitely feels unnatural with what you currently have.

One other thing, I know that you're younger, so you have an excuse for not having perfect grammar and spelling, but you should definitely make it a point to improve it! :D Before you post something, you should take your time and fix all the grammar and spelling errors you can find. The grammar also feels a bit sloppy in some parts where it affects the pacing quite a bit. For example,

Megan: Where is mom dad?


A comma after "mom" would have made that look much more natural. ^_^ By the way, you should also practice proper grammar outside of writing. In other words, whenever you're posting a message on the forum, or emailing a friend or whatever. Not only will that help you improve, it makes your posts a lot easier to read.

I hope you continue to write. I'd like to see more of this story, in fact! Judging from the title, and the ending, something dark is about to happen...
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 244
Reviews: 152
Mon Dec 05, 2011 8:41 pm
Niebla says...



Hey Sparkyrox2,

I'm here to help with the grammar and punctuation side of things! Lyricalias has already said a lot of the things I wanted to say. This isn't bad, but if you want to write really well and improve in your writing in the future, you really need to work on your punctuation. The best way to do this is to just remember the rules of punctuation - and of course, to read! Remember that every sentence has to begin with a capital letter and end with a full stop, an exclamation mark or a question mark - it's absolutely vital. And if you feel a pause in the sentence, like I just did, you need to add a comma. Don't worry; you'll get the hang of it.

For now I'll edit what you've written, just sorting out the grammar and punctuation, so you can see how much better it looks ...

Hi! I'm Megan Kleen and I am 11 years old. I have always wanted a little sister. Let me tell you something I experienced two years ago.

(2 years ago)

Megan: MOM!
Dad: Stay here, Meg - your little sis is coming.
Megan: Ok!
I waited for 5 hours just to see that cute face of my sister, to touch her little cute hands. I was far beyond ready to accept my new role as a big sister.
(Dad comes into the room.)
Dad: Hi, Meg.
Megan: Where is mom, dad?
Dad: Inside, holding your little sister. Want to see her?
Megan: Sure!
(Both of them walk towards the room where her dad came out from.)
Mom: Hi, honey.
Megan: HI MOM! Wow, the baby is beautiful. What's her name?
Mom: I was thinking that you should choose for her, Megan.
Megan: Yay! What about Zarah Kleen?
Mom: That's an amazing name, Megan.
Dad: I agree!
Megan: Mom when can you go home?
mom: After three days.

(5 days later)

Megan: MOM! Let's go for a walk in the park.
Mom: Ok, sweety.
Megan: And I'll bring Zarah on the stroller!
Mom: Ok.

I had never been so happy in my entire life as I was upon recieving a new little sister. This was a dream come true until...


As you can see, I haven't really changed much!

One thing I did notice is that you actually used text speech in this at one point - writing "u" instead of "you". It's really crucial not to do this when you're writing. Also, people tend to actually write the names of numbers more often: "two" instead of just "2".

Also, your ellipses at the end are way too long. Remember that's it's just three dots ...

Now ... do I think you should continue this? That's for you to answer. Did you enjoy writing this?

If the answer is yes, then so is the answer for whether you should continue it or not. But if you want to seriously improve your writing, you're going to have to really work on your grammar and punctuation. If you post another part of this, I want to see you using the tips I've given you!

Hope this helped,

~MorningMist~
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 315
Reviews: 31
Tue Dec 06, 2011 4:33 pm
scifyfantacywriter01 says...



Well, I don't think you should've done it in script. Theres not enough detail. We don't know how she feels when she see's her sister, what her sister looks like. If this is supposed to be for a play or something then I understand completely but other wise... It's also pritty short. I can guess the baby gets taken or both the sisters do, which ever. On the bright side, it does make some great forshadowing. It's a very good idea as well. I look forward to seeing more.
When people think of beauty, they think of bright colors, purity, or goodness. When I think of beauty, I think of the darkness. Beauty has a dark side, and I like it. Light is pretty but darkness is passionate, sinister, and sexy as hell.
  








It takes as much imagination to create debt as to create income.
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