z

Young Writers Society


Weak Tears Under the blackest of Skies (2)



User avatar
71 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4346
Reviews: 71
Tue Nov 08, 2011 4:10 pm
Gheala says...



This is an excerpt from the last chapter I wrote. Let's throw in a summary for it: Julius, my protagonist, ran into an old woman called Hafeeza before he enters his house. Hafeeza is a 75 years old woman who used to treat Julius's mother badly before she was killed. Julius's mother was all he loved and cherished and so he wished to avenge his mother, even if by a few rude words. So, he picked on the old woman and yelled at her until she cried out and screamed in the middle of the road.

People thought he was a criminal, existed their houses and attacked Julius until he fainted.....

So, let's read!

**********************************

I could imagine that it was quite similar to drowning, even though I had never experienced that feeling. Like one would be surprised by the murderous waves as he tried to slap the water with pleading arms, I also had my share of desperate attempts to protect my face from the fists that seemed to be made of steel.

My moans grew louder as the tips of their shoes penetrated my sides like a collection of thick nails striking against my flesh and kidneys, forcing my soul to cringe and my body to squirm on the asphalt. Their hard knuckles met with my jaw, my cheekbones and my eyes that thumbed in rhythm with the heart that bounced behind my aching ribs. I coughed again and again, pushing out the droplets of blood that trailed from my gum and inner cheeks, tasting like a strong blend of rust and weakness.

My body hadn’t the chance to tremble and I thought my muscles were to tear into thin tissues with every rigorous blow. Their voices rose over my shrieks for air, encouraging each other to make me regret my terrible deeds, damning me and the day I was born.

“Yea, like that! He'll think again before he hits another woman!”

They never stopped, neither did the pain that spread through my body like ink invading a glass of water- too swift, too venomous.

My back arched and a loud gasp tore through my throat, trying to endure the anguish I experienced and the doom that was to come. But of that pleasure, I was also deprived, for a foot had landed with grinding strength against my crumpled insides, hauling every particle of air I only wished to inhale.

All my desperate attempts were met with great failure, allowing me one more strength to seek: To stare at the black sky and shed a few tears in silence before my body would perish into a bloodless shell.

"Stop! He's not a criminal. I know him, he isn’t a criminal!"

A female voice had broken the chain of their persistent assaulting, stolen their attention from my bruised body to the person I hadn't the power to look at. Thankful, but weak and owning a head as light as a feather, I voiced a long moan before I rested my head to the side and finally allowed myself to lose consciousness.



The pain was barely noticeable when I jumped to my feet from my place of slumber on the asphalt. My hands turned to fists before I raised them to protect my face and threat to hurt the first person who would cross the shortest distance towards me.
Finally was the adrenaline allowed to serve me righteously, clearing some room in my head to madly ponder my survival and nothing else.
"It's okay. We don't wanna hurt you, you hear?”
But why weren't they attacking me?
They promised me again that they meant me no harm, but I couldn't believe them. I couldn't, at the very least, blink my burning eyes or shake my attention off the circle of curious faces around me.
"I... am not... a criminal,” I pressed urgently, very cautious as I watched how those words would affect them.
Would it make them furious? Urge them to jump on me again?
"We know that now, don't be afraid.”
Afraid?
With barred teeth, my head shot instantly to the man who said those words. How dared he accuse me of that shameful feeling? A few punches and wounds wouldn't scare me. I was more used to emotional agony, but it never meant I was afraid of physical pain or death.
It was an idiotic assumption from his part!
"I'm not afraid!” I bit off, sparks of hatred and threat bulging from my wide eyes.
But once that sentence spilled from my shaking lips, I realized how awfully false it was. Despite how horribly disgraceful it made me feel, I was... concerned that I might lose my life in an instant.
"Would you chill out, kid? The old woman told us what happened,'' one of them said.
"Yea, we know you're not a bad guy after all. Try to breathe and you'll be fine, okay? Come on, breathe.”
"Well, I dunno about bad guys, but good guys sure don't yell at women, huh?”
They, in turns, spoke words of assurance and moved their hands in gestures to calm me down. Slowly turning in a circle, I studied the expressions of each of the men surrounding me, heard what they said and thrived to analyze it until I slowly started to understand the truth behind their words. I began to believe that they- maybe- weren't tricking me into a new assault they planned to add to my record.
They would have killed me by now, if they wanted.
But just one step before I could finish the circle I considered to be fatally vital to complete, I caught a glimpse of one more familiar face.
And it was that exact instant when I finally became aware of the identity of the female person who saved my life.
Aurora? A voice wondered silently in my dizzied head.
Was it truly a dream this time? Or was it another girl, whom I deluded myself to think it was Aurora?
Behind the men who lined before me, she appeared to stand stiffly with a strong expression of horror
hugging her small face. Close to her chest, her hands hugged each other tightly while her lips moved
in frantic speed to mouth words I couldn't catch.
I allowed my eyelids to gather in one brief blink, wishing to pull her image to the back of my mind where it belonged.
It was dim-witted to start having a wild imagination now, even though I had a strong need to have an acquaintance by my side.
"You're lucky that girl stopped us. Would better thank her, ya know.”
"Aurora?” I finally asked and took a step towards her before the line of men broke to allow me room to speak with her. But with a move of her own, she took one step backwards and game me a trembling smile.
“What are you...” I let the question trail without an end, unaware of which wondering I should voice first.
"Calm down, Mr Julius,” she assured slowly and nodded twice. “I told them you... live here and that I work with you too. It was a... um... a misunderstanding.”
"Come on, kid. You need an ER to go to,” someone said behind me.
"Well, he needs to give an apology to that old woman,” someone contributed.
"No, no. It's not needed that he apologizes to me.”
And only then did I look away to shoot my eyes towards the most despicable and ugly human beast on that damned earth. It stood some ten feet away from the center of events, supporting its weight on the cane in perfectly faked apologetic features.
"You're still here?” I barked, but I sounded more like a scraped tone from a damaged tape.
"I'm sorry,” She said and started weeping loudly again. “I didn't know all this would happen. I'm sorry, Julius, son.”
"You'd better shut it, old hog.”
“Mr Julius!” Aurora exclaimed behind me.
“I really am not ready for you right now,” I hissed at Hafeeza nevertheless and stepped towards her with seething persistence.

My moves instantly came to an end- before they could truly start- when grips restrained my arms and threats were yelled in my ears to call the police if I commit any rash deed.
I shook myself free, and pushed past the few men who stood in the way to my house.


*****************************
Do you wish to know what I think? I think it's the most terrible piece I've ever written.
I'm back to my YWS after months of disappearance, hoping that I'd gain the immunity of books and quills against the harmful realism of our world.

In case this made no sense, I'm just saying that I'm happy I'm back!
  





User avatar



Gender: Female
Points: 1016
Reviews: 3
Wed Nov 09, 2011 12:05 am
Amarina says...



It was interesting and I enjoyed reading it. It is very descriptive, almost too descriptive that it's taking away from the actual story and there are a few mistakes like this part: "How dared he accuse". Otherwise I would say it's really not that bad for a peice you think is the worse you've ever written. I like it, and I didn't get bored reading it. :)
  





User avatar
816 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 44887
Reviews: 816
Wed Nov 09, 2011 4:44 am
Shearwater says...



Hey, Gheal!

Are you stuck on this part? That's not good because I was sure that we'd gone through this in your last post and that you'd gotten a good idea from it somehow and had moved on. But, I understand if you get stuck with such things so I'll try to help you out here. Soooo, let's begin!
forcing my soul to cringe and my body to squirm on the asphalt.

I think this is odd in itself, a soul cringing just doesn't seem to be the right wording here. Try something more real, not that the soul isn't real just something like 'causing him to cringe' would work just right or even his mentality. Soul seems a bit more beautiful as a word in accordance to the pain that he's receiving at the moment.
I coughed again and again, pushing out the droplets of blood that trailed from my gum and inner cheeks, tasting like a strong blend of rust and weakness.

I don't if I mentioned this last time but I really liked this description. I think it was written quite vividly and really provoked the imagery in my mind. Good job!
They never stopped, neither did the pain that spread through my body like ink invading a glass of water- too swift, too venomous.

I don't think you should use the word 'never' in here because honestly, they did stop at some point but I know you're taking into consideration of what Jules is feeling at the moment and that the pain seems to feel like it'll last forever but perhaps reword this to 'it seemed like they'd never stop' instead.
The pain was barely noticeable when I jumped to my feet from my place of slumber on the asphalt.

I find this a little unbelievable because your description of him being beaten was quite vesuvian so I was thinking he was nearly passed out or something and wouldn't be able to get up and even less 'jump' up. So maybe you might want to change that part a little.
"Calm down, Mr Julius,” she assured slowly and nodded twice.

*Mr. Julius
Need the period after Mr.
Do you wish to know what I think? I think it's the most terrible piece I've ever written.

NO!
Let's not go that far, m'kay? It's not bad, in fact it's pretty decent. It's not horribly written but after knowing how you write and understanding your language of words in this novel in particular, I've developed a sixth sense in knowing when you're feeling constricted or when your words seem to show insecurities and honey, I see them.
Where? Well, I think the part you do need to work on is the middle when Julius gets up. Reminder: People who have been beaten like he had don't get up easily especially since he was ganged up on.

Now, another thing I want to mention is Julius reaction towards his beating. He was scared, correct? Then why he try to go after the woman again in the end part? He should've kept his stance in fear, and yes, we know Jules isn't the kind of guy who's scared but there comes a time when fear can gnaw at even the most strongest of men so take of that when you decided to rewrite this because I know you will. ^^

Other than that, your descriptions were still great and your writing was nice. I did notice some oddly broken sentences in the middle but I think that was just you pasting or formatting the spaces in there oddly. Are you perhaps using the 'story' format when you post your pieces? When you submit a work there is an option near the bottom where you can select "story/poem/lyric format" and when you click story format, it automatically spaces the line breaks into paragraphs so you don't have to do it manually like in the past.

Other than that, this wasn't bad. There are few little emotional actions that you might need to look over with Julius's behavior but other than that, it's not totally bad. Yes, it does need some work because it's not as 'tight' as your other excerpts are but I'm sure you can fix that in due time. Think about the scene before you write, put yourself in his shoes and think about what a normal human would feel in this time of distress. Maybe that might help you too or you can always do it the more technical way and look up information regarding people's mentality when they're being beaten or after they've been beaten down. What are you feeling?

Keep working and let me know if you have any further questions! I'm always here for you!

Best of luck,
-Your Pinky
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham
  





User avatar
2631 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631
Fri Dec 02, 2011 5:50 pm
Rydia says...



Hi! I'm sorry this review is coming to you so late, November has just been a crazy month for me. But! Here I am so let's see what you've got...

Line By Line

I could imagine that it was quite similar to drowning, even though I had never experienced that feeling. Like one would be surprised by the murderous waves as he tried to slap the water with pleading arms, I also had my share of desperate attempts to protect my face from the fists that seemed to be made of steel.


I think this analogy could have been stronger or at least presented in a stronger way. The idea of being 'surprised' by waves gives it a gentler feel, too gentle for this situation I think. Also, your choice of words is a little weak, both 'murderous waves' and 'pleading arms' could be much better. Here's a quick example of how you could make this more dramatic/ effective:

I've never drowned, or even come close, but I imagine it would feel a lot like this. The desperate need to rise, to surface, but every time you try, there's another wave of fists to knock you down. Every time you think you've found your feet, they're dragged out from under you again. Every breath you try to take is punched out of your lungs. But you keep trying. You keep trying because this time you might rise and see the land.

They never stopped, neither did the pain that spread through my body like ink invading a glass of water- too swift, too venomous.


This is more a query, but have you researched this? Don't quote me on it, but I thought ink was a slow moving liquid? If you haven't, go experiment and make sure your simile is right before using it!

Realism

Where are the apologies? Where are the people siddling away or others suddenly changing tact and claiming to have known all along he was innocent and threatening to call the police, out of their own fear of punishment. Where is the guilt?

The second half of this struck me as very unrealistic, which is a shame as I thought it started out quite well. Have a think and include some more variation of characters in the crowd.

The benefit of re-phrasing

One of my main complaints is sometimes your sentences lack clarity and you have a habit of dropping into passive phrasing. Just by switching some of your syntax around, you could really make a sentence clearer and give it a smoother flow. Here's an example:

My moans grew louder as the tips of their shoes penetrated my sides like a collection of thick nails striking against my flesh and kidneys, forcing my soul to cringe and my body to squirm on the asphalt.


My moans grew louder as my sides were penetrated, the toes of their shoes digging in like nails, grinding into my flesh, burrowing up against my kidneys. My soul cringed back as my body squirmed and flopped on the asphalt like a fish out of water.

Overall

You're right, this isn't great writing. I think the problem is with your plot as much as anything else; there isn't enough drive to keep a reader interested. You need a more interesting/ likeable/ dislikeable/ just generally more dynamic main character. You need to write stronger dialogue so that we can seperate the different people out of the crowd, instead of them sounding like generic voices that could belong to anyone. They should come across as characters in their own right, however little part they actually play.

This could be worked into a good piece though, your first few paragraphs make that really clear. It's a very engaging opening and if you could carry that tension and that feel through to the rest of the piece, you'd have some good atmosphere going on.

I hope you find this useful,

Heather xxx
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.
  








A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets.
— Homer Simpson