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Young Writers Society


Short Action Scene



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32 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 600
Reviews: 32
Sat Oct 29, 2011 7:05 pm
Sandvich says...



The spear pierced the leather helmet of the man climbing the siege ladder, sending him sliding down the rungs, clattering into his companions. The spear was whisked from Dren’s grasp as his foe fell, the weapon still embedded in his head, and Dren felt splinters entering his skin as the crude wooden shaft slid out of his hand.
He drew his officer’s sword, but the moment it was out of its scabbard another blade clashed with it. Dren turned. Before him stood Valentine Hawthorne himself, the leper prince, his scarred mouth grinning at him. Blood seeped from a gash in his forehead, but he paid it no heed as he struck for Dren’s chest.
He parried the first blow with ease, but the second came so quickly it sent him reeling backwards as he attempted to dodge it. He stepped backwards again as his sword clanged against the prince’s, and then he was under attack from above, the prince using the foot he had over Dren to deliver a vicious downwards blow aimed for his skull. The force of the hit drove him to his knees as he blocked clumsily. A boot connected with his face savagely and he collapsed backwards, blood trickling from his broken nose.
He heard a voice from above. “Is the pain too much for you?” The prince taunted, and Dren rolled at just the last second as the point of his foe’s blade clanged into the ground where his heart would have been. He groped for a sword, but his eyes were streaming and he could barely see. Another kick hit him in the stomach, and for a moment he felt as if he would die there and then. But his hands clasped around a sword handle which was sticky with the blood of its former owner and all his pain was forgotten as he drove the weapon upwards at his enemy with all his might.
Valentine Hawthorne blocked lazily and Dren rolled to his feet, on the offensive. His next blow seemed to send the prince stumbling backwards and he felt like victory was near as he stabbed at his exposed stomach.
However, it was all a feint. Hawthorne ducked and drove his sword beneath Dren’s guard, the cold steel slicing a deep gash up the inside of his arm. Dren screamed, dropping his sword and collapsing backwards. All his hurt came rushing back as the heir to the throne raised his sword for the finishing blow.
The Fear Contest - Winners

1st Place - Hit the Black by mikeypro
2nd Place - Makeshift Calamity by jcipriano1
3rd Place - Ashes and Blood by HaydenSmith

"And so I arrive, like a sudden windstorm at a kindergarten picnic!" - Dimentio
  





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18 Reviews



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Points: 1389
Reviews: 18
Sat Oct 29, 2011 7:10 pm
SlightlySenile says...



Wow. Where to start?
I understand that it's meant to be short, snappy and full on but I can't help thinking that you could really develop this. Maybe he's not doing it for obvious reasons, Maybe he's gone mad. So many possibilities and I really hope you delve into this. Amazing standard (Of course, I forget who I am talking to) and Brilliant :P
Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.
Dr. Seuss
  





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Sat Oct 29, 2011 7:17 pm
Davethepenquin says...



Pretty flipping good my friend!
I'm bad at writing reviews, so sorry about the following paragraph of nonsense.

Its very pacey (if that's a word) and the use of a variety of sentences is nice too. The first two sentences both begin with "The spear...". If that could be changed it would improve the opening. You should develop this further cause its bloody good!

P.S. The alliteration "Clattering into his companions" is good too.
The Fear Contest - Winners

1st Place - Hit the Black by mikeypro
2nd Place - Makeshift Calamity by jcipriano1
3rd Place - Ashes and Blood by HaydenSmith

Bonjour mon petit bureau de change!

Voila, le conversation dans le parc!
  





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884 Reviews



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Sun Oct 30, 2011 1:31 am
StoryWeaver13 says...



Short! But good for its size. If you had any plans on developing this, definitely do, because adding back story and such this could be a really cool novel, or even just a longer short story. There isn't much to complain about here, so overall, I'd just say think about making this even bigger!
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 1152
Reviews: 5
Tue Nov 29, 2011 4:49 pm
IsaacBarlow says...



Good, very good. I liked the length. The action is interesting, cool, but not overly descriptive. It's very fast paced, which I like, and is specific enough for you to get what each warrior is doing, but not where you're confused by too many step by step moves. Action scenes (I have found through my own experiences) are much harder to create than most readers and writers alike give it credit for, and I like how (When it IS implimented in you Novel or Story) you didn't completely skip the action scene like some writers tend to do. This scene gives you a surge of adrenaline and captures your interest, I almost feel like he's pressed for time for some reason, and the title of 'The Leper Prince' was a nice touch. It gives the reader a reason to not only hate, but be disgusted with the antagonist, giving him a type of almost...EVIL...deformity. Impressive, comparable to the works of Christopher Paolini, one of my personal favorite writers.
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 1152
Reviews: 5
Tue Nov 29, 2011 4:51 pm
IsaacBarlow says...



Good, very good. I liked the length. The action is interesting, cool, but not overly descriptive. It's very fast paced, which I like, and is specific enough for you to get what each warrior is doing, but not where you're confused by too many step by step moves. Action scenes (I have found through my own experiences) are much harder to create than most readers and writers alike give it credit for, and I like how (When it IS implimented in you Novel or Story) you didn't completely skip the action scene like some writers tend to do. This scene gives you a surge of adrenaline and captures your interest, I almost feel like he's pressed for time for some reason, and the title of 'The Leper Prince' was a nice touch. It gives the reader a reason to not only hate, but be disgusted with the antagonist, giving him a type of almost...EVIL...deformity. Impressive, comparable to the works of Christopher Paolini, one of my personal favorite writers.
  





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31 Reviews



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Points: 315
Reviews: 31
Sat Dec 03, 2011 12:45 am
scifyfantacywriter01 says...



Ok. This is very good. I get that it's supposed to be short, but why are they fighting? What army is Dren a part of? It needs some background. Another is that you say backwards a lot. Just say backward or back. It sounds a lot cleaner. Same when you say downwards. Just say downward or down. "The prince taunted, and Dren rolled at just the last second as the point of" Make this into two sentences. It doesn't sound too good together. We also don't want a too wordy sentence. Just say "The prince taunted. Dren rolled at just..." it makes a world of diiference. "But his hands clasped around a sword handle which was sticky with the blood of its former owner and all his pain was forgotten as he drove the weapon upwards at his enemy with all his might" This is what I ment. Too wordy. Split it up a bit. A comma would be perfect. It's a good piece, it really is. You sould include it in a novel if your a novelist. Anyways. See ya round.
When people think of beauty, they think of bright colors, purity, or goodness. When I think of beauty, I think of the darkness. Beauty has a dark side, and I like it. Light is pretty but darkness is passionate, sinister, and sexy as hell.
  





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Tue Jan 10, 2012 7:24 pm
ArahAkachi1 says...



This is a really good action scene. When I'm at school bored, I sit there and write short stories that are mainly action scenes such as this one, and use it for ideas for my novels. This action scene you just wrote is amazing and the best I've read so far. Keep it up, cause I want to read more.
Writing your name can lead to writing sentences. And then the next thing you'll be doing is writing paragraphs, and then books. And then you'll be in as much trouble as I am!
  








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