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Young Writers Society


Wake up Buttercup /page #5/



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29 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 2050
Reviews: 29
Sun Oct 02, 2011 10:59 am
Metalmauzen says...



I thought about it for a couple of seconds but I was pretty sure what the answer was. Of course I needed to be careful but it was so obvious. This game turned out to be easier than I expected.
“you’re death” I answered

He didn’t say anything…stayed silent…started moving again…away from me…. He sighed while he grabbed something. It made the sound of sandpaper scratching a concrete surface, but the sound was really short, not even a second. He must have lifted something from the ground. He limped towards me again. I heard a sound as if a lit was removed from something.

“tsk tsk tsk… You my friend came up with a good answer, but I recommend you come up with a better answer next time.”

Immediately my heart started beating really fast. I felt it in my throat, next in my left temple. Something bad was going to happen to me. My legs felt like they wanted to move, all they wanted was to move. They started to tremble. Not up and down, but left and right. I became aware of the dripping sound in the distance, it sounded like a clock slowly ticking. I began breathing heavier. My legs started to shake. Still from left to right. A drop of sweat rolled over the side of my head. The black and brown spots on the white tiles started to take shapes of faces. Laughing, crying, frowning faces. They looked directly at me.

Like two knives a smell filled my nostrils. I knew this smell. I knew it came from the container he was holding. It was gasoline.

He was already pouring it on the floor directly beneath the wooden chair I was sitting on. I felt my naked feet getting wet. I wanted to lift them but I was so tightly tied to the chair it was no use.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO ME!” I shouted with a small trace of a cry.
“Relax. You’re still safe. Consider this your first joker, you just burned it.”
“GET ME OUT OF THIS CHAIR!”
“Just keep still and think about your next answer. Believe it or not I really want you to give me the correct answers.”
“HELP!” Now it was more crying than shouting. “HELP!”
“It’s no use, no one will hear you. As you might have noticed we are completely sealed inside this building. Even if someone hears you there is no way they come in here.”
“What do you want from me!” My fear changed to anger.
“Just answer the questions right and your questions will be answered.”

He put his hand on my shoulder, and continued:
“You are the only one who can save you. Calm down and think about the question. Just in case you forgot, the question was: I’m your friend and your enemy. I’m a killer yet I purify. My touch is your pain.”
He paused and his grip tightened on my shoulder, but in a way you would grab someone’s shoulder if you haven’t seen him for a long time. It felt almost… friendly.
“Now, who or what am I?”
This could very well be the push that makes you move
  





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152 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 244
Reviews: 152
Sun Oct 09, 2011 8:17 am
Niebla says...



I liked it. I liked the general idea of the story and the way you tried to create an atmosphere of suspense, but I have to admit that there were a few technical things which I noticed which made reading it not quite as smooth as it should have been. Still, I like the story in general, especially the riddle near the end:
“You are the only one who can save you. Calm down and think about the question. Just in case you forgot, the question was: I’m your friend and your enemy. I’m a killer yet I purify. My touch is your pain.”


Below I'll make a list of errors/things which seemed out of place to me as a reader so that you can try and improve it from them if you wish.



This game turned out to be easier than I expected.


Perhaps it would sound better/more correct if you said "This game had turned out to be easier than I'd expected.

“you’re death” I answered


New dialogue should always be started with a capital letter, just like each new sentence. This might just be a typing error but it'a meant to be "You're death," Notice the comma after the line and before the closing speech marks as well.

He didn’t say anything…stayed silent…started moving again…away from me….


There are a lot of ellipses in this one. While one or two are okay and can create a dramatic effect four are a bit over the top. You could consider taking some of them out or replacing them. For instance "He didn't say anything; he stayed silent and began to move again, away from me." Or "He didn't say anything, staying silent...And then he started to move again; away from me."

“tsk tsk tsk… You my friend came up with a good answer, but I recommend you come up with a better answer next time.”


Again the first line here should begin with a capital letter, so "Tsk, tsk, tsk...You, my friend came up with a good answer, but I recomment that you come up with a better answer next time."

I began breathing heavier.


This sentence doesn't sound quite right. How about "I began to breathe more heavily" Or "My breathing became heavier"?

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO ME!”


You could probably leave this one as it is but I think it might be clearer with a question mark at the end instead of an exlamation mark. The capital letters and the "shouted" after the dialogue already make it very clear that he is shouting. Though the shouting sounds a bit abrupt, maybe you could change it to something else?

He paused and his grip tightened on my shoulder, but in a way you would grab someone’s shoulder if you haven’t seen him for a long time. It felt almost… friendly.


This sounds a bit strange- the part about grabbing someone's shoulder if you haven't seen him for a long time sounds a bit abrupt and out of place. You could try to phrase it differently. "He paused and his grip tightened on my shoulder, but not in a menacing way. It felt almost...friendly."

But overall, I'd enjoy reading this again if you could try and correct some of these errors and remember how important the way the writing flows is- without correct punctuation, or with the wrong punctuation and type of sentences (long, short, abrupt, jerky, rambling- not that I'm saying yours were any of these in particular) it won't flow as well. Read it out to yourself and if there are bits which sound wrong or make you hesitate, change them.

But overall a nice story, keep writing.
  





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33 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 268
Reviews: 33
Fri Dec 09, 2011 6:38 pm
Vettan says...



Interesting work. Morning , it seems, already has covered the technical aspects of your piece so I guess I will try my best to critique a more subjective part of it.
To me the beginning seems a little too weak; in the sense that I did not feel enough tension. I think that, in the same situation, an average person would be tense and unsettled. And more often than not, average reader would put themselves in the same shoes as the main character and to help the reader connect with the protagonist it is important that they identify with him/her on emotional level. Along the same lines try to make the actions of antagonist seem more dark, more sinister. For example paragraph two, to me, feels empty. In fact if I read paragraph two without first reading the paragraph one I would have been unable to know whether it is the protagonist or antagonist who is performing the actions. When the reader reads the paragraph, even if it is the first thing that they read in the whole book/novel they should be able to tell that the action is that of an antagonist or the major secondary villain of the work. Include more facial emotions if possible, they seem to be missing. When the protagonist started to be scared it would be effective to include something about sweat because usually it always seems to associate with fear.
Overall, it is a good work but you should work on developing the atmosphere and making the characters more distinct.
Keep on writing.
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards.
  








Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
— Voltaire