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Watchful Part two (chp.6 and 7)



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Sat Jun 11, 2011 4:23 pm
polkadottiger2 says...



Chp.6
Pierce held tightly to Gwen's hand as he led her through the darkness of the cave. Even during the day, the cave was full of long dark shadows and ghostly appearances of swooping bats. Pierce had long ago memorized every crack and crevice of the cave. He knew exactly where to place his feet and which places to avoid. He had forgotten how hard it was for a newcomer to get through the long narrow cave, but he was careful to catch Gwen each time she slipped and to ward off the bats.
Pierce hoped they would not be unwelcoming. They had to understand his reasoning. But they could be difficult. After all, they were once one of them. One of the Watchful. The guardians of the unworthy. What if they banned him from the lake? From his one and only salvation? What if they hurt Gwen? Or even worse, turned her into one of them. He knew that the Watchful had a horrible existence. He could hardly imagine the hardships. He banished these thoughts from his mind. They would have to agree. No matter how difficult they could be, they could not turn down escape. And his plan was perfect.
The exit of the cave was soon near and Pierce hesitated.
“You have to trust me okay? Just do as I say and everything will be all right.”
Gwen nodded but didn't say a word. She kept staring forward. Her blue eyes squinted, in an attempt to see through the darkness. Pierce advanced down the cave and Gwen followed close behind. He hoped he had made the right choice.

Chp.7
When Gwen saw it the first time, she thought her mind was playing tricks on her. After all the cave was extremely dark. She brushed it off as just a bat. But the second time, she was certain. There was something in the cave with her and Pierce. She looked around frantically and was terrified by what she saw. They were everywhere! Strange lanky creatures that camouflaged into the night. She grabbed onto Pierce. He didn't even seem to notice the creatures. He just kept walking, though his pace did increase.
“Pierce.” She breathed. “What are they? We have to get out of here!” Gwen's stomach was doing flip flops. The creatures seemed to walk along with them. Pierce said only one simple word and it was definitely no cure to her fear.
“Trust.”
Gwen gasped as one of the creatures brushed against her side. Her whole body felt a chill despite the warm dankness of the cave. She reached forward and grabbed onto Pierce's hand. It was more impulse then choice and she almost pulled her hand back again. But she didn't.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the cave opened up into cool night air and the creatures scattered. She could hear their whispers. Gwen breathed the air in deeply and released the tension from her body. She closed her eyes and let her senses take over. The cool night air caressed her face, the scent of earth and rain filled her nose. She opened her eyes very slowly, not wanting to lose her new relaxed state and found Pierce sitting on a rock nearby watching her.
“So what do you think?” He asked with a smirk on his face.
“I think you've got some explaining to do! What were those monsters?”
“Don't be mean, they're probably listening now.” Pierce's smile had broadened.
“Who is 'they'? And why are they here?”
“They're exiles.” He said, and as if that explained everything, he got up and started to walk away towards the forest. Gwen knew he expected her to follow and just the fact that he expected her to almost made her stay. But she had a creepy feeling that she was being watched, more then usual, so she walked behind him at a distance.
Gwen wasn't sure if she liked this whole trusting thing. It would definitely be easier if he would tell her something. She could tell he knew much more then he was letting on and that scared her a little. But her gut told her she could trust him. She always went with her gut, but it had never told her to do anything so risky before.
Gwen glanced ahead to see where Pierce was. He was no where in sight. She stopped in her tracks and looked around. Surely he wouldn't leave her out here? Just then a hand was placed gently on her shoulder from behind.
“There you are! Don't run off like that I don't know if i can find my way back to the cave!” She said, turning around to face him. She let out a bloodcurdling scream. It wasn't Pierce but one of the creatures from the cave.
Gwen wasn't scared easily, she had grown up through many terrors and hardships but this was something completely different. The creature had dark holes where his eyes should have been. His long dark hair was greasy and floated around him. His lips were puffy and grey and his body jerked uncontrollably. She tried to run but he had a tight grip on her shoulder.
“Pierce!” She screamed his name. She had never had to rely on anyone but herself for her safety. But she guessed this was all a part of trust. She had to trust that he knew what he was doing. That he would come back and save her from this thing. She closed her eyes to calm her self and when she opened them the monster had a sick grin on his face. And then he spoke.
“Calm yourself child. We are only damned, as you, to spend our horrible existence in this place. We only search for escape.” His voice was a cross between a whisper and a growl. Gwen looked up into the dark holes where his eyes should have been.
“What are you?” Gwen was pleased that her voice sounded confident.
“Ahh.....so Pierce hasn't told you yet. I suspected as much.”
“How do you know Pierce?”
“I'll let him tell you that.” Just then, Pierce walked out from the trees with a group the creatures. Was he on their side? Had she been wrong to trust him? The creature she had talked to had an amused grin on his face. He was watching her very carefully.
“You might want to fill her in before she kills ya Pierce.” He said with a laugh. Gwen looked at Pierce expectantly and crossed her arms.
“Well....where do Start? All of these creatures, are Watchful.” Gwen gasped and her eyes got wide. He was going to turn her in! They were going to destroy her like the others who stepped out of place. This whole thing had been a test! She opened her mouth to speak but Pierce beat her to it.
“Calm down, calm down. They aren't exactly Watchful anymore. Remember earlier when I told you they were exiles? Well they are. Watchful exiles. When Watchful don't do their job right, for example they're supposed to kill someone and they don't, they get exiled. The lake is where they are sent. That's why its safe for us to come here. The real Watchful want nothing to do with these guys.”
“How did you find them though? If they can't come out of the lake and we were always told never to enter. How did you get in?”
The original exile spoke again.
“Pierce decided he just didn't care anymore. He decided he wanted to break the rules for a change and by some luck he ended up with us.” Gwen knew it was a stupid question when there was so much else to discover but she couldn't help but ask.
“What's your name?” The exile smiled at her.
“No one has asked me that since Pierce came along five years ago. It's Keith.”
“Nice to meet you Keith. So Pierce. Whats your plan?” He smiled.
“I think we'd better sit down.”
  





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Sat Jun 11, 2011 4:47 pm
CRL says...



It's still pretty good, but I'm noticing the flow breaking up a little bit here and there. Nothing to really worry about, but just be aware of it. Also I would have liked a little more description of the cave or the surrounding forest in there, but that's just me. Other than that it's still excellent and I will be following this for as long as it goes!
"They don't have meetings about rainbows."
-Cole Sear, The Sixth Sense
  





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Sat Jun 25, 2011 9:08 pm
BassGuitarFreak says...



Lovely work. Great descriptions, and the dialogue between everyone is really good too- however, would have liked some more details about the cave. It's a bit vague and rather hard to picture. What's it made of? Describe some of the eerie sounds in the cave, if any... et cetera, et cetera.

A few things to correct-

"Well, where do we start?"

"All these creatures are Watchful." No comma between "creatures" and "are".

“How did you find them though, if they can't come out of the lake and we were always told never to enter? How did you get in?” That part just seemed a bit choppy. The second sentence would have made a bit more sense if it was joined with the first sentence, in my opinion. It's part of the question, right? If so, shouldn't end in a period.


Again, great work. Keep going! I'll definitely keep up with this story.
  





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Wed Nov 09, 2011 5:50 am
strawberrieamie says...



WOw this is getting really good! i just read it and i love the atmosphere of the story, and the characters. i was just a bit confused at the end though, with the dialogue.

“Pierce decided he just didn't care anymore. He decided he wanted to break the rules for a change and by some luck he ended up with us.”

“What's your name?” Gwen knew it was a stupid question when there was so much else to discover but she couldn't help but ask. The exile smiled at her.(when i read the original, i got really confused and had to re read it a few times because i thought the exile was speaking.)

“No one has asked me that since Pierce came along five years ago. It's Keith.”

“Nice to meet you Keith. So Pierce. Whats your plan?” He smiled.

“I think we'd better sit down.”

Overall though, it's very mysterious to me mostly because i don't know any detailed background info on Gwen or Pierce and you kinda get to know them as you go along.
So yeah. AMAZING WRITING!!!!
People are funny.They spend money they don't have,to buy stuff they don't need,to impress people they don't even like.

strawberrieamie
  





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Thu Nov 10, 2011 3:42 am
Kei says...



So there are a few things here and there as BassGuitarFreak pointed out- but more descriptions- namely, the cave- it's so very vague and I have quite a bit of trouble picturing it. Yes, it's good to leave some things to the imagination of your readers, but in this case, you need to add in a few things. And the scene where the cave has opened up, the new world (in essence) where they are now. Again, vague.

But yes, though most little things have been pointed out, it's good so far. Keep going!
-Kei
  








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