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The Cold Twilight



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Wed Jun 01, 2011 4:55 pm
Prosithion says...



Chapter 1 (of 4)


It was cold. It was always cold in the dark. Elijah Shepherd stared sourly into a can of… kidney beans. He was fairly certain that they were, in fact, kidney beans, but only due to the fact that “kidney beans” was scrawled sloppily across the side of the can in permanent marker. The legumes within were quite old, and even though the can had been sealed, there was visible mold growing on the insides. Elijah wrinkled his nose in disgust.

“Shit.”

He looked up at Bryce Kimball and shook his head. “How the fuck do they expect us to fight this war, when all we’ve got to eat is this shit?”

He tilted the can, so that Bryce could see the contents. After a moment, Bryce snorted rudely and then laughed.

“Sucker; you always get the crap food.” He inclined his own can in Elijah’s direction and shook it gently.

Peering inside, Elijah saw pears. Pears. Juicy, golden, succulent pears. “Seriously? I’ve been eating beans for the last month, and you get pears?” Elijah dropped the can of beans on a crate sitting between them and shoved it away.

Bryce laughed again and raised his can of fruit in a toast. Then, with one large gulp, he swallowed the remainder of his pears.

“Sergeant Shepherd!”

Elijah sat up and looked around the dim light of the tunnel intersection. At the west entrance, a tall man in a blue coat stood, peering through the gloom, searching for Elijah. Standing up, Elijah waved and strode towards him, Bryce following in his wake.

“Yes, Corporal?”

“Sir, your requisition for troop replacements has been filled.” He pointed to the tunnel’s entrance, where a small group of people were huddled together, forming one dark mass in the gloom.

“How many did I get?”

The corporal referenced the clipboard in his hands. “All three, but they’re fresh out of boot camp.”

He was interrupted from continuing, by Bryce, who let out an exasperated groan. “Shit, man. What the fuck!”

The corporal looked at him quizzically, and then turned back to Elijah. “You have Jonas Mitra, Raul Gomez, and Selena Barnes.” He handed Elijah the clipboard to sign, and after taking it back, he said, “Have fun. Now, if you’ll excuse me, sir, I have more reinforcements to hand out.”

Elijah dismissed the man with a wave of his hand, and with a pained look at Bryce, he turned towards the dark mass of people at the tunnel’s entrance. “Mitra, Gomez, and Barnes, front and center!”

Three figures detached themselves from the cluster and ran up to Elijah and Bryce, ordering themselves in a row. Immediately, Bryce began yelling at them, it true boot camp style. Elijah remembered that he’d been an instructor in basic training, before requesting a front line posting… to his never-ending regret. As Bryce lay in to the three newcomers, Elijah took a moment to look them over. Mitra was tall and lanky, his face dominated by large thick glasses. His sandy hair was beginning to recede, though Elijah estimated that he couldn’t be more than twenty. Gomez was the shortest of the three, his face thick and glowering. His hair was cut into a short buzz cut, which only contributed to his dark countenance. Barnes looked really young; Elijah couldn’t help but think she’d skirted the age requirements to get in. She was pretty none the less, and carried herself confidently, though the anxiety in her eyes was evident.

Bryce was busy explaining their probable futures in all its gory detail, and Mitra was going pale. They’d obviously been told the sugar coated version of their terms of service when they were in basic. The reality, however, was far different. Elijah motioned to Bryce to desist his rampage, and Bryce concluded by saying that they would all three probably end up dead in a ditch, or something like that.

Elijah cleared his throat. “Now look, you three, I get that you’re new, and all that, but I don’t have the time, or the patience to baby you all. So, you had all better do your jobs properly. Do you know what the survival rate is for independents in the greater Manhattan area?” The three newcomers stared at him blankly. “I’ll tell you. It’s less than a week. With that in mind, it’s doubtful that you’ll be staying with us long. Those who survive, do so by paying attention, and learning really quick. If you can’t do that, then you have no business being here.” He turned to Barnes. “You do know, kid, that there is an age requirement?”

At the word kid, Elijah could see Barnes tense, anger building behind her eyes. “Sir, I’m not a kid. I’m 22, sir!”

This surprised Elijah, not only the revelation about her age, but also the way she said it, daring him to challenge her. “Uhuh… drop the whole ‘sir yes sir’, ‘sir no sir’ routine. You’re in the real world. One sir is fine. Anyway, the training you’ve all received will help you survive longer, but you have to pay attention and believe me, you’ll get plenty of real-world experience.”

He paused for a moment, thinking of what else to say. “I suppose introductions are in order. I’m Staff Sergeant Elijah Shepherd.”He indicated Bryce, “This is Sergeant Bryce Kimball. Corporal Walton is in medical, but she’ll be back probably tomorrow. Till then, we are off duty. If you need any help, or clarification about anything, come to me or Sergeant Kimball. Welcome to first squad second platoon.”

The three newcomers stood staring around the intersection, trying to get a bearing on their surroundings.

“Follow me.” Elijah led them through the gloom, around pillars and piles of rubble. Pointing to various locations, he explained, “Each squad has a designated section. Ours is in the corner in front of us, between the eastern and southern tunnels. In the middle, there is a table where you get chow. We only get two meals a day and I’d advise you develop a strong stomach, because the food leaves a bit to be desired. The heads are in the corner opposite us; there are three porta-potties.” They arrived at first squad’s designated area. “Here we are, home sweet home.”

The area was small, barely accommodating three double stacked bunks. It was enclosed on two sides by the convergence of the walls, and a third side was partially blocked by a pillar. Various crates and ammo containers were stacked neatly out of the way, courtesy of Walton’s OCD, and a barrel containing burning coals sat in the middle of the space, casting a low orange glow on everything with three meters.

Mitra, Gomez, and Barnes selected the three remaining empty bunks, and removed their packs, laying them and their rifles on the thin mattresses.
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Wed Jun 01, 2011 6:43 pm
Shadowlight says...



Hi SHadowlight here and I had the pleasure of reading your piece!

Now I like the interchange between characters it seemed natural, and i really like two experienced soldiers compared to the greenhorns. Bryce's ripping into the three new comers was very funny!

I will say there is something in the description that threw me off almost every time it switched from dialog (which you do very well) to description (Except for when Elijah is observing Bryce's drill Sargent moment), now I'm not sure what it is but it doesn't 't seem to flow easily and I would love more detail as to their surroundings. maybe if you go back now that you have it all down and try adding some more depth to the description and make it fit the mood/tone of the piece.

And I will say again the interchange between characters is very natural and I enjoyed reading this piece very much and it has the promise of being really cool!

Keep up the good work!
love,
~Shadow
"D*** the torpedoes! Four bells! Full speed ahead!"~ Admiral David Farragut
  





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Tue Jun 07, 2011 2:11 pm
ondraaayuh says...



Great story! I think it could use a little more detail about Elijah. Perhaps in the beginning you could include more to show what kind of person he is and some info about his background. Other than that, I liked it. Introducing the three newcomers was a great idea because it helped compare their reactions. I could tell how Elijah and Bryce had gotten used to their situation in comparison to the anxiety in the eyes of the newcomers. I can't wait to read the other chapters! I hope you post them :).
  





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Thu Jun 09, 2011 8:41 pm
Vettan says...



I enjoyed your story. It was well executed and as far as I can tell the grammar is good. The only misspelling that I noticed is " it true boot camp style" I suspect you wanted to say "in." As the reviewer above noted I also had some difficulty transitioning form the narration to dialogue. The main critique that I have with this story is that it seems to soften as it progresses. The beginning of the story, for me, set a somewhat harsh tone. However, from the point where Elijah conversed with the Corporal both the narration and dialogue lost that harshness and somehow became more passive. The discussion that Elijah had with the new recruits was also a little shaky for me. Overall, great story; looks to be quite engaging and interesting. Keep up the great work.
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Thu Jun 09, 2011 11:42 pm
PixieStix says...



I loved It!!!! You had such discription. From just reading the title I knew that it would count as a easy target to read.
1.You need to work on language. Sometimes I think that you are using to much words that are not appropriate. But most of them you counted on that made sense.
2. You need to work on exitement. Most of the charectars I see dont show exitement. Use exlimation points. But on tne bright side you showed what they were.
3. Emotion. Do you feel what they are feeling? Work on that.

and thats mostly all you did wrong. I hope I was not that harsh on you. But I just wanted to help ya out. Hope it helped!!!

~Pixie2~
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