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Rebellion



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Wed Jan 11, 2012 1:12 am
Xaxas96 says...



Guards walked on either side of the prisoner in the dark, gloomy, wide hallway. The king watched from his tall, black, iron chair. Red banners were evenly spread out from each other behind him. A black rug with blood stains led to the throne. One of the guards pushed the prisoner to a kneel at the base of it, the prisoner stood up and went after the guard that pushed him. The guard swung his sword, while the prisoner ducked and swept the guard’s feet out from underneath him. The other guard just watched them, seeming uninterested to help.

“Help him!” Commanded the furious King. The guard had been beat by the chained prisoner. The other guard moved to attack the prisoner, and swung his spear towards the prisoner’s head. He cracked the prisoner on the head, feeling pleasure as blood started flowing from the wound. The bruised guard got back up and went after the stunned prisoner. The untouched guard butted the tip of his spear to the others neck and shook his head, he picked up the prisoner and dragged him to the base of the throne again.

“You see resistance is futile.” Stated the king while waving his hand, his voice a little young but full of sinister evil. The prisoner looked up from his crouched position resistance filling his eyes. The king smiled, and the prisoner stood and walked towards his chair. The beaten guard rushed toward him, but the king waved him off.

“If it’s futile then why are you dead?” the prisoner whispered to the king. The king stood and punched the prisoner. The prisoner rolled down the remaining step that he didn’t fly over. Walking down, the king grabbed the black hair of the prisoner forcing him to look at him.

“Do I look dead to you?!” The king questioned with rage.

“Yes you do, to all the people, because you betrayed us. The only king’s son killed his father just for the throne. ” The prisoner spat with satisfaction. The kings face grew red and he unsheathed his blade. The sharp, steel blade waved in the kings hand as it came down. A whistling sound flew through the air before it hit the king’s hand sending the blade skidding behind the prisoner. The king look up towards the entrance, his face full of fear. In the doorway stood a hooded character with a crossbow on the ground and a mace in hand.

The bruised guard rushed to greet the stranger. The guard slashed above the cloaked stranger, who’s mace made a loud crack on the guard’s shin as he easily dodged the attack. The guard fell to the ground, the mace flowing towards his head. The guard lay limp in on the floor, as the stranger moved towards the other guard. The guard raised his hand to reveal a necklace, the stranger shook his head and walked towards the king.

“Guards!” yelled the king, moments later the halls rang with the sound of clanking armor. The stranger looked at the king, and moved to look at the hall now filling with soldiers cautiously approaching them. The king was trying to find escape when the other guard in the room pushed into his seat and held his weapon’s blade to his throat, after doing so threw keys at the prisoner. The room filled with the warriors wanting to protect their king. The prisoner picked up the blade from the king and stood next to the stranger.

“It’s a nice day outside, boss.” Said the stranger with a sarcastic feminine voice.

“I hope to see it.” Spoke the rough voice of the prisoner. She smiled under her hood.

“I count thirty-two of them. You take those seven I’ll get the rest.” She said with a laugh as she flipped the mace in her hand.

“Fine, but it won’t get you anything but sores.” The man said with a smirk. She laughed again and ran into the wall of weapons. He followed behind her heading slightly left. The guards defended against the both of them, but it was futile.

The girl swirled in a flurry making her hood fall off her head. Her mace making contact with several guards breaking one of three things; their arms, their legs, or their head. The man engaged several guards at once. He parried a blow and stabbed the first guard with ease as another guard raised his two handed axe and forced it at the man. The man put the sword up, his hand on the back of the blade, as the axe hit the blade. The prisoner kicked the axe to the side, forcing it to fly out of the guard’s hand and onto the ground.

The man rolled over the back of the guard and forced his sword into the guard’s neck, falling over limp. The rest of the guards started to attack more cautiously than before. The next guard charged at him with a dagger. He sliced the air in front of the man, as the prisoner dodged the futile blow. The man then deflected the dagger, reversed it, and drove it into his chest with a sword.

The woman had several bodies around her already. Another guard lunged towards her, swinging his sword at her. She deflected it and slammed her mace into his back making several loud crackling sounds like a fire in a fireplace. Another guard step forward and she slammed her mace into his ankle then the back of his head, not pausing between attacks. The last two flanking her stepped together with a downwards slash. She blocked one with her mace and gripped the blade with her leather gloved hand. She twisted her mace to disarm the one guard and pulled the other’s sword in her hand towards her, and kicked him in the face. She slammed her mace into the disarmed guard, while the other guard stood and ran. The woman threw her mace at the fleeing guard, who’s body went limp after it crunched into his head.

The man had three guards left, the others bleeding on the obsidian floor making their blood into a ruby river. A guard swung at the man, but the man easily blocked and punched the guard, knocking him to the ground. Another guard rushed towards to avenge his fellow warriors. The guard swept with his spear, pulling the prisoners legs out from under him. The prisoner stood up and deflected a stab from the spear. The spear kept trying to skewer him no matter how many times the prisoner deflected. Finally angered by only defending, the prisoner caught the tip of the spear in his palm. The spear dug into his skin. The prisoner threw his sword, puncturing through the eye slits in the helm. The prisoner heaved the spear out of his hand. The last guard had sweat poring down his face, hand tightened on the grip of his sword, arm flexed with a shield, legs locked in place spread apart from each other.
“Come now, put down your weapons and we’ll let you live.” said the prisoner’s rough voice, this time sounding more Italian. The warriors face started to relax a bit, then the king yelled to attack and the guard acted like a dog following a command. The prisoner dropped the spear on the ground and waited for the soldier to get close. A mace swirled into the soldier’s shield making a large dent, and also stunning him right in front of the man. The unarmed man took his chance and punched his face, sending him backwards. The king’s face full of shock, of seeing all of his guards taken down by two people.

“Take him to the dungeon, the people in their can deal with him.” Said the relaxed voice of the prisoner.

“Yo, you, can’t, those are the people that I betrayed during the rebellion, so that I may become the king.” Spoke the terrified dethroned king.

“Well that’s what you get for being greed. Now, Take him away let the people deal with him!” Yelled the prisoner. Hearing the pleading cries of the king as he was dragged down the hallway by the traitor guard. The hooded lady and her master walked out of the throne room and past the iron gate doors that lock the castle. The two of them saw a village of tattered building and markets with swarms of flies. Surrounded by a black gate, which repelled a emerald forest. It was thirty feet away on either side with small grows trying to grow towards the citadel. The sun shined bright over the black place. When the two people reached the outside of the wall, a blast of heat came from behind them. They saw the citadel ablaze fire spewing from the windows, smoke rising from the center tower and starting to take a shape.

“You dare, challenge where I domain mortal! You will pay for your intrusions!” It spoke with a demon’s tongue, making it almost impossible to understand. The smokey figure flew towards the south with a hissing sound.

“Are next destination is the southern region now. Gather the guild quickly for departure.” Said the calm prisoner’s voice.

“As you wish, master. In a weeks time they will be in the central city’s walls. You should come and rest there.” Said the woman with a concerning tone. I smiled and shook my head, she ran off and gathered the horses she rode here on. There were three of them, one a bright white another a dark red and the last one a golden yellow.

“We will leave him a horse, so if he gets out he can follow.” The man said with confidence. After the horse with tied the master and his apprentice left the burning citadel behide them.

Month later the prisoner had a renewed look of a middle aged man, as he walk though a wooden hallway of an inn, his apprentice walking silently behind him. He walked to a wooden stage, his apprentice waiting in the front row. He waited for everyone to settle down, when a sharp object inserted his back, his apprentice instantly taking action rolled on stage while pulling her mace out. Her mace hit the target in the back of the leg, the back, and then finally the head. the dagger stuck into her master’s back. She removed it, looking closely she saw hints of a deadly poison. The man’s face grew grey and dull. He pointed towards the doors as soldiers poured in, his men were slaughtered by the surprise attack. The ones that were alive drew their weapons and fought to the death, as he fell to the ground and his eyes shut.

When he was able to will his eyes opened he saw his apprentice with bolts, spears, and blades sticking out of her body, bodies with blood pouring from them surrounded the wounded girl. The apprentice still holding her own, while two expert swordsmen tried their luck with her. One attacked in a blur with the man’s vision, a blur of white moved quicker and the sword clattered to the ground followed by a thump. The next swordsmen attacked, again the sword clattered to the ground. The white figure stumbled over to me and laid down, the figure’s eyes were empty inside as she came to peace. Unable to do anything else the man closed his eyes and died with her.
This is our routine. Day and night, all we do is survive; it never lets up. He tells me how these streets were crowded with people just going about their lives.. must've been nice.~Ellie
  





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Wed Jan 11, 2012 9:22 pm
Xaxas96 says...



Please post what you think of it.
This is our routine. Day and night, all we do is survive; it never lets up. He tells me how these streets were crowded with people just going about their lives.. must've been nice.~Ellie
  





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Thu Jan 12, 2012 9:11 pm
sargsauce says...



So, let's talk in generalities.

1) Proofread. If English isn't your first language, then I know it's hard, but it will make it easier on your readers. If English is your first language, then tsk tsk. You left stuff like:
Are next destination is the southern region now

instead of
"Our next destination..."

2) Proper punctuation. Dialogue punctuation goes like this:
"My name is Geoff," Jeff said.
or
"My name is Geoff?" he asked.

Notice the comma in the first version? And notice the lowercase "he" in the second? There's also this variation:

"Don't talk to me." His voice was shaking.

Where it's two complete sentences. So you use a capital "His."

3) You switch to first person for a single sentence at the end.
The white figure stumbled over to me and laid down


4) What's the premise? In the first paragraph, you introduce us to a bunch of nameless people...and then thrust us into a fight. We don't know who we should care for and who we should root for and what they're fighting about. And then, later, you weakly thrust in the backstory by having the king condemn himself:
“Yo, you, can’t, those are the people that I betrayed during the rebellion, so that I may become the king.”

Him saying that "I betrayed these people so that I may become king" just feels totally needless and forced.

5) Describing fights step-by-step is boring. Not to mention confusing, too.

He punched the guard and his weapon swung at his head but he dodged it and struck back at his legs but the guard jumped and he struck him on the arm.

It can become a plate of spaghetti of "he did this" and "it" and "him" and "his" and it becomes more trouble than it's worth to figure out exactly what you're saying. Instead, the reader may just skim over the paragraph and find where something intelligible is happening. All of this might look good in a movie, but on paper, it's too much. Stick to general descriptions. Who killed whom and a parry and riposte. Even just saying "he blocked it" instead of "The man put his sword up, his hand on the blade, as the axe hit the blade" could help.

The exact image you have in your mind doesn't have to exactly match the image we have in our minds. You have to relinquish control a little.

Also, what makes it a little less interesting is the superhuman abilities of the good guys involved. He caught the tip of the spear in his hand? Ehhh. Audiences like struggle. A sense of excitement. Otherwise, it's like when you turn on God mode in a video game...it's nice for a little bit, but then there's no risk/reward payoff.

6) What about how anyone feels? The only emotion we've been given is the scared king.

I think that's enough for starters. Keep your chin up.
  





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Mon Jan 16, 2012 3:50 am
Xaxas96 says...



Thanks for the advice
This is our routine. Day and night, all we do is survive; it never lets up. He tells me how these streets were crowded with people just going about their lives.. must've been nice.~Ellie
  





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Fri Jan 27, 2012 4:20 pm
Omni says...



Here to review :D
My work and comments will be in bold.


Xaxas96 wrote:Guards walked on either side of the prisoner in the dark, gloomy, wide hallway. The king watched from his tall, black, iron chair. Red banners were evenly spread out from each other behind him. A black rug with blood stains led to the throne. One of the guards pushed the prisoner to a kneel at the base of it, the prisoner stood up and went after the guard that pushed him. The guard swung his sword, while the prisoner ducked and swept the guard’s feet out from underneath him. The other guard just watched them, seeming uninterested to help. I like this paragraph, you put a lot of effort on showing how disorganized and horrible the place, the king, and the guards were

“Help him!” Commanded the furious King. The guard had been beat by the chained prisoner. The other guard moved to attack the prisoner, and swung his spear towards the prisoner’s head. He cracked the prisoner on the head, feeling pleasure as blood started flowing from the wound. The bruised guard got back up and went after the stunned prisoner. The untouched guard butted the tip of his spear to the others neck and shook his head, he picked up the prisoner and dragged him to the base of the throne again.

“You see resistance is futile.” Stated the king while waving his hand, his voice a little young but full of sinister evil. The prisoner looked up from his crouched position resistance filling his eyes. The king smiled, and the prisoner stood and walked towards his chair. The beaten guard rushed toward him, but the king waved him off.

“If it’s futile then why are you dead?” the prisoner whispered to the king. The king stood and punched the prisoner. The prisoner rolled down the remaining step that he didn’t fly over. Walking down, the king grabbed the black hair of the prisoner forcing him to look at him.

“Do I look dead to you?!” The king questioned with rage.

“Yes you do, to all the people, because you betrayed us. The only king’s son killed his father just for the throne. ” The prisoner spat with satisfaction. The kings face grew red and he unsheathed his blade. The sharp, steel blade waved in the kings hand as it came down. A whistling sound flew through the air before it hit the king’s hand sending the blade skidding behind the prisoner. The king look up towards the entrance, his face full of fear. In the doorway stood a hooded character with a crossbow on the ground and a mace in hand.You introduce a lot of characters without telling much of their past, or anything at all

The bruised guard rushed to greet the stranger. The guard slashed above the cloaked stranger, who’s mace made a loud crack on the guard’s shin as he easily dodged the attack. The guard fell to the ground, the mace flowing towards his head. The guard lay limp in on the floor, as the stranger moved towards the other guard. The guard raised his hand to reveal a necklace, the stranger shook his head and walked towards the king.

“Guards!” yelled the king, moments later the halls rang with the sound of clanking armor. The stranger looked at the king, and moved to look at the hall now filling with soldiers cautiously approaching them. The king was trying to find escape when the other guard in the room pushed into his seat and held his weapon’s blade to his throat, after doing so threw keys at the prisoner. The room filled with the warriors wanting to protect their king. The prisoner picked up the blade from the king and stood next to the stranger.

“It’s a nice day outside, boss.” Said the stranger with a sarcastic feminine voice.

“I hope to see it.” Spoke the rough voice of the prisoner. She smiled under her hood.

“I count thirty-two of them. You take those seven I’ll get the rest.” She said with a laugh as she flipped the mace in her hand. Where were all these guards when the arrow almost hit the king lol

“Fine, but it won’t get you anything but sores.” The man said with a smirk. She laughed again and ran into the wall of weapons. He followed behind her heading slightly left. The guards defended against the both of them, but it was futile.

The girl swirled in a flurry making her hood fall off her head. Her mace making contact with several guards breaking one of three things; their arms, their legs, or their head. The man engaged several guards at once. He parried a blow and stabbed the first guard with ease as another guard raised his two handed axe and forced it at the man. The man put the sword up, his hand on the back of the blade, as the axe hit the blade. The prisoner kicked the axe to the side, forcing it to fly out of the guard’s hand and onto the ground.

The man rolled over the back of the guard and forced his sword into the guard’s neck, falling over limp. The rest of the guards started to attack more cautiously than before. The next guard charged at him with a dagger. He sliced the air in front of the man, as the prisoner dodged the futile blow. The man then deflected the dagger, reversed it, and drove it into his chest with a sword.

The woman had several bodies around her already. Another guard lunged towards her, swinging his sword at her. She deflected it and slammed her mace into his back making several loud crackling sounds like a fire in a fireplace. Another guard step forward and she slammed her mace into his ankle then the back of his head, not pausing between attacks. The last two flanking her stepped together with a downwards slash. She blocked one with her mace and gripped the blade with her leather gloved hand. She twisted her mace to disarm the one guard and pulled the other’s sword in her hand towards her, and kicked him in the face. She slammed her mace into the disarmed guard, while the other guard stood and ran. The woman threw her mace at the fleeing guard, who’s body went limp after it crunched into his head.

The man had three guards left, the others bleeding on the obsidian floor making their blood into a ruby river. A guard swung at the man, but the man easily blocked and punched the guard, knocking him to the ground. Another guard rushed towards to avenge his fellow warriors. The guard swept with his spear, pulling the prisoners legs out from under him. The prisoner stood up and deflected a stab from the spear. The spear kept trying to skewer him no matter how many times the prisoner deflected. Finally angered by only defending, the prisoner caught the tip of the spear in his palm. The spear dug into his skin. The prisoner threw his sword, puncturing through the eye slits in the helm. The prisoner heaved the spear out of his hand. The last guard had sweat poring down his face, hand tightened on the grip of his sword, arm flexed with a shield, legs locked in place spread apart from each other.
“Come now, put down your weapons and we’ll let you live.” said the prisoner’s rough voice, this time sounding more Italian. The warriors face started to relax a bit, then the king yelled to attack and the guard acted like a dog following a command. The prisoner dropped the spear on the ground and waited for the soldier to get close. A mace swirled into the soldier’s shield making a large dent, and also stunning him right in front of the man. The unarmed man took his chance and punched his face, sending him backwards. The king’s face full of shock, of seeing all of his guards taken down by two people.

“Take him to the dungeon, the people in their can deal with him.” Said the relaxed voice of the prisoner.

“Yo, you, can’t, those are the people that I betrayed during the rebellion, so that I may become the king.” Spoke the terrified dethroned king.

“Well that’s what you get for being greed. Now, Take him away let the people deal with him!” Yelled the prisoner. Hearing the pleading cries of the king as he was dragged down the hallway by the traitor guard. The hooded lady and her master walked out of the throne room and past the iron gate doors that lock the castle. The two of them saw a village of tattered building and markets with swarms of flies. Surrounded by a black gate, which repelled a emerald forest. It was thirty feet away on either side with small grows trying to grow towards the citadel. The sun shined bright over the black place. When the two people reached the outside of the wall, a blast of heat came from behind them. They saw the citadel ablaze fire spewing from the windows, smoke rising from the center tower and starting to take a shape.

“You dare, challenge where I domain mortal! You will pay for your intrusions!” It spoke with a demon’s tongue, making it almost impossible to understand. The smokey figure flew towards the south with a hissing sound.

“Are next destination is the southern region now. Gather the guild quickly for departure.” Said the calm prisoner’s voice.

“As you wish, master. In a weeks time they will be in the central city’s walls. You should come and rest there.” Said the woman with a concerning tone. I smiled and shook my head, she ran off and gathered the horses she rode here on. There were three of them, one a bright white another a dark red and the last one a golden yellow.

“We will leave him a horse, so if he gets out he can follow.” The man said with confidence. After the horse with tied the master and his apprentice left the burning citadel behide them.

Month later the prisoner had a renewed look of a middle aged man, as he walk though a wooden hallway of an inn, his apprentice walking silently behind him. He walked to a wooden stage, his apprentice waiting in the front row. He waited for everyone to settle down, when a sharp object inserted his back, his apprentice instantly taking action rolled on stage while pulling her mace out. Her mace hit the target in the back of the leg, the back, and then finally the head. the dagger stuck into her master’s back. She removed it, looking closely she saw hints of a deadly poison. The man’s face grew grey and dull. He pointed towards the doors as soldiers poured in, his men were slaughtered by the surprise attack. The ones that were alive drew their weapons and fought to the death, as he fell to the ground and his eyes shut.

When he was able to will his eyes opened he saw his apprentice with bolts, spears, and blades sticking out of her body, bodies with blood pouring from them surrounded the wounded girl. The apprentice still holding her own, while two expert swordsmen tried their luck with her. One attacked in a blur with the man’s vision, a blur of white moved quicker and the sword clattered to the ground followed by a thump. The next swordsmen attacked, again the sword clattered to the ground. The white figure stumbled over to me and laid down, the figure’s eyes were empty inside as she came to peace. Unable to do anything else the man closed his eyes and died with her.
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