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Sun Jan 22, 2012 5:24 pm
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LemonyIce says...



Spoiler! :
This was sudden, and inspired by a picture. It is what it is, and I'm just happy I finally managed to write something that's not related to my studies. In case you're interested, this is the picture:

Image

I'm not good with titles, by the way. >.>


"Mommy?"

The little girl looked up at her mother, her big brown eyes open wide. Her red hair was tied up in pigtails, and she was fairly chubby. They were walking down the street towards their home.

"Yes, Bea?" The mother looked down at her daughter, smiling.
"Does everyone go to heaven?" This question came as a surprise to the mother and she stopped on the path; she had not been expecting such a question from her four year old daughter. "Why, yes sweetie, they do," she replied, almost immediately.

"And do they have chocolate in heaven?" continued the child.
"Well, I suppose so, dear. Why?"
"Because if they don't, I don't want to go."
"In that case, yes, they do have chocolate in heaven." The mother was smiling at her daughter's innocence. "Okay." The little girl fell silent and stared down at her neon green light-up-at-every-step shoes as they continued walking.

"Mommy?" she asked again, after a few minutes.
"Yes, sweetie?" The mother looked down at her daughter once more.
"Will you also go to heaven?" The mother stared at her daughter for a few minutes, wondering why she was asking such questions all of a sudden. She stopped walking once again. "Why do you ask, Bea?"
"Because if mommy's not there either, I don't want to go to heaven." The mother stopped and looked down properly at her daughter. She saw the look of pure innocence and felt troubled. What would her child do if she, her mother, left the world? This child was too innocent, too pure.

She didn't realize that she had stopped in the middle of the road while crossing it. She didn't realize that there was a truck coming up from behind her. She only realized this when her little daughter looked behind her and screamed. The mother turned around and saw a flash of light, heard the truck's loud horn and only just managed to push Bea out of harm's way.

She was falling. She crashed onto the road, and felt blood dripping down the side of her face. She lifted her head and looked up at the girl, who was screaming loudly. She was safe. She was there, full of terror and fear, but she was alive. And she needed to know her mother was too.

The mother heard voices telling her to wake up, and she knew she had to. Her daughter needed her. She needed someone she could fully depend on. She couldn't die; she couldn't leave just like her husband had one year ago. She had to stay. But the voices started fading away, and she knew she couldn't. She didn't have a choice. And slowly, as everything went black, she could only wish that her child would be happy, and safe.

Spoiler! :
*sigh* Too depressing? I think it is. >.> Also, I'm not sure if there have been stories like this one before, and if there have I didn't know about them, but I think this idea is a little common.

Oh, well. I wrote something. That's enough for me.
Last edited by LemonyIce on Mon Jan 23, 2012 5:16 pm, edited 2 times in total.
I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest.
The trees keep the tempo and they sway in time.
Quartet of crickets chime in for the chorus.
If I were to pluck on your heart strings would you strum on mine?

~Plant Life, Owl City
  





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Sun Jan 22, 2012 7:35 pm
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DonicaSage says...



Hello, Harry, Donica here.
First, I would say that the title of your story is an attention grabber. :D
This piece made me want more. The suspense is there, and I can see Bea's innocent face and the mother's frown. Although I saw a little foreshadowing with the questions about heaven, I still did not predict the truck hitting the mother.

Second, it maybe your preference to use each characters' dialogue in the same paragraph, but it would make for easy reading when dialogue is in a new line.

All in all, this would turn out to be a great read. Hope you keep it up.
I want to know what happens to the mother. Did she not "stay"? And is the daughter special? Is she less than innocent?
D.S

Reality is concrete.
Fantansy is abstract...
Dreams are trapped between.
  





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Sun Jan 22, 2012 9:22 pm
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ahhhsmusch says...



I found this story really funny. The contrast between the innocent questions about chocolate and heaven and then the sudden truck is so great, it's ridiculous. If you weren't going for comedy, I suggest lengthening the time between the questions and the truck, and maybe using the father as a way to lengthen the conversation and further dramatize the story.

Also, as far as a child asking their parents questions about heaven and death, yea its kind of been done before.
  





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Sun Jan 22, 2012 10:39 pm
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ShootingStars says...



Noooo! OMG I was not expecting her mom to die... Ugh. *wipes tears out of her eyes*
Yeah anyways I really liked this, but here's only two things I noticed:
1) When someone else in a paragraph is speaking, put the sentence where the second person says something on the next line.
HarryPotterRocks wrote:
"Yes, Bea?" The mother looked down at her daughter, smiling. "Does everyone go to heaven?" This question came as a surprise to the mother and she stopped on the path; she had not been expecting such a question from her four year old daughter.

See? Here it seems that her mother is still talking. Place Bea's question on the next line, and it won't be so confusing.

2)
HarryPotterRocks wrote: "Okay." The little girl fell silent and stared down at her neon green light-up-at-every-step shoes as she they continued walking.

Do you mean just "they?"
Oh, wait I lied.(I'm a liar!) There's actually one more thing I noticed. Near the beginning you describe Bea as "plump and chubby". If she's plump, she's also chubby so that's a given. You don't really need one of those words but it's your choice.
I really liked this. Keep writing!
---Shooting Stars
When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. Anything your heart desires will come to you. -Jiminy Cricket

Don't be afraid to jump, to leap, to fly too far and don't be scared to touch the stars!
  





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Thu Jan 26, 2012 6:02 pm
Niebla says...



Hey there Lemony,

I loved the story -- it was very sad but pretty well written. I have to say, though, that I found everything happened far too abruptly. It seems almost rushed, as if you were trying to make the story as short as possible. I think you need to allow it some space to grow -- space out the events a little. As it is, they have their conversation and then the mother is hit by a speeding truck almost immediately. If you just allowed a little more time, added some extra details or events between their main conversation and the mother getting hit by a truck, I think this might have a little more effect. Give the story a bit more time to sink in, and it should be absolutely great. :)

She saw the look of pure innocence and felt troubled. What would her child do if she, her mother, left the world? This child was too innocent, too pure.


I have two points to bring up about these three lines. The first is, again, that I think the last line makes the upcoming event just a little too obvious. I think you could do without it, or at least try and make it a little subtler. It's a bit odd how she thinks that one moment, and is hit by a truck the next. As I already said, it's a good story -- but I just found that part a tiny bit too abrupt.

The other thing is that I think you repeated yourself just a little with the words "innocent and pure" in these three lines.

Still, although this story is pretty sad it's kind of beautiful. I think that you could allow it to expand, adding a little more detail here and there and spacing it out more. But overall I think you did a pretty good job of showing us the emotions of the mother and the protectiveness she felt over her child. Both the mother and the child in this story are very real and you did a lovely job of showing us the emotions and tragedy in this. Keep at it -- this is lovely, but with some improvement it could be even better! :)

Keep writing,

~Misty~
  








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