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The Butterfly Colony



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Sat Jan 21, 2012 2:21 am
ScarlettWinters says...



An Introduction.
In the end it wasn’t the sun, it was us that destroyed the earth.
Our home did not burn up in flames nor did it drown. It died of a broken heart; though you may argue my romanticism of the events of your future it is my core belief that hate is how the earth met its end. As the earth grew hotter we grew colder. Our hearts cold like the snow that never fell. Love became a story told through quite breaths. A story of the past which few remembered well enough to tell. The heat caused sickness to spread, like a forest alit with flames. Every day more died, and we grew more divided. We hated so strongly, so we did as we had always done before when we were faced with an insurmountable problem. We went to war. Allies were scarcely found. We fought for whatever we could, whatever was left. We fought to survive.
And then it came out of the darkness of our dying age, hope. They called it a new beginning, New Earth. How could we have known how it would end?
  





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Mon Jan 23, 2012 4:14 pm
sargsauce says...



Well, I hope this is just an introduction to something grander! I hope you someday get down to the nitty gritty details and flesh out a plot and characters and the whole shibang, because so far I'm interested in what you have to say.

It died of a broken heart; though you may argue my romanticism of the events of your future it is my core belief that hate is how the earth met its end.

I liked this line a lot. The last little bit is a tad simple, but you've excused yourself by saying "you may argue my romanticism."

Our hearts cold like the snow that never fell.

I think this was a bit of a stretch. To say "[Thing A] was like [Thing B] that doesn't exist" just seems like you're reaching. Instead, perhaps you could say something like how the coldness of our hearts replaced the chill of winter...or something along those lines. Anyways, similes are much more effective when used as "A is like B" instead of "A is like the absence of C"

told through quite breaths.

"quiet breaths" I imagine you meant?

A story of the past which few remembered well enough to tell.

so we did as we had always done before when we were faced with an insurmountable problem.

I liked these lines, too. The first is forlorn. The second is like the embarrassed historian.

We fought to survive.

After your previous lines, condemning mankind's fighting as doomed and silly, this one felt out of place. Fighting to survive almost sounds like a noble cause, as opposed to fighting for resources. Perhaps you could give this a more negative connotation?

it came out of the darkness of our dying age, hope.

I assume this is what your story will be about?

So anyway, all in all, as they say in Grease..."Tell me more, tell me more!"

[Like does he have a car?]
  








"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."
— We Bought A Zoo