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Thu Jan 19, 2012 12:40 pm
casualentries says...



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Last edited by casualentries on Sat Jan 21, 2012 6:59 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Fri Jan 20, 2012 4:06 pm
sargsauce says...



Interesting idea, but not thought out or followed through or explored in depth.

The wording is choppy and blocky and doesn't flow.
It took some control whilst I was gone to contain myself as I made a point of it not to take my computer home with me.

This sentence is unwieldy. "whilst" "contain myself" "made a point of it not to" All of these phrases are dead on arrival. Like someone stuttering through a language they're not familiar with. If, indeed, this is not a language you're not entirely comfortable in, then tone down the complexity of your sentences.

Once upon a time, home was a place where warmth and comfort had always and would always exist. A place where feeling safe was never questioned and to some extent able to be myself.

I like the idea, but you're speaking so vaguely that it has little effect. Home is warm and comfortable and safe and you can "be [yourself]." You're telling us these things, but we're not convinced on a personal level. We're being told these things but not shown them.

allowing myself to breathe and grow independently,

A mixture of the two issues above. Choppy and impersonal.

When I return it feels just short of claustrophobic.

I liked this line.

my old, dusty, torn and weathered mask.

That's a lot of adjectives to say, basically, the same thing.

see all of my flaws and endless imperfections.

Which are...? You don't have to tell us outright, but we should be able to gain an understanding at some point in your story.

and ridiculously underwhelmed by the conversations that cease to exist.

Lose the "ridiculously" and the first part of the sentence will be that much better for it. Most of the time, you should let your verbs speak for themselves without the help of adverbs. The second part of the sentence is choppy and requires rewording.

It takes thirteen words for my brother and I to catch up on the last 5 months of not seeing each other.

Cut out "of not seeing each other" and the sentence will be much better.

I cannot help but wonder, what it means to define a family.

...And what does the narrator come up with? If you're wondering, what are your thoughts? Take this somewhere. Give us something to ponder. Give this story an ending.
  








Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto (I am a man, I don't consider anything human foreign to me)
— Terence