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Young Writers Society


Waiting in the Dark



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Sun Jan 15, 2012 10:06 pm
ShootingStars says...



Waiting in the Dark
Six year-old Eliza Tuttle reluctantly climbed in her small twin bed, only because her mother lovingly pestered her to do so.
"Mommy, I really don't think I should go to bed now," Eliza stated crawling beneath her flower-patterned quilts. Her mother carefully helped the little girl tuck under the covers. "Oh, and why is that?"
"Well, Mommy, I-I'm not tired," Eliza told her mom with a large yawn. Eliza looked up at the woman expectantly, as her large blue eyes searched the mother's face for a response.
Mrs. Tuttle leaned over her daughter and kissed her on the cheek. "Good-night," she finished, showing Eliza the conversation was officially over.
"But Mommy-"
"No 'buts'," Mrs. Tuttle interjected. The young girl giggled and slid further under the sheets.
"Night, night! Don't let the bed bugs bite!"
"I love you, sweetie." The mother moved away from the giant lump swallowed up in the bed. She strolled across the girl's bedroom and reached the door after a few strides. Mrs. Tuttle flicked off the lightswitch on the wall, the bedroom suddenly growing dark.
Eliza called out to the blackness around her, "I love you too, bigger than the whole entire universe!"
Her mom smiled and softly closed the room's door, leaving Eliza alone in her bed.
She turned over, snuggling up with her worn plush penguin. "And I love you, Mr. Hoppy," she told the toy closing her eyes.
Eliza laid completely motionless in the darkness, her sweet breathing getting heavier as she concentrated on sleep. Then the wooden floorboards suddenly popped, very quietly but still audible. Her eyes shot open. Eliza tried to ignore the strange noises filling her room like the hollow rapping on her glass window caused by gnarly fingers of a tree outside. She attempted to push away the odd feeling that she was being watched by something large hidden in the shadows in the dark corner, its glowing eyes staring her down. The hairs on the back of her neck stood straight up, her skin burning and tingling with nervousness.
Eliza grasped the blankets around her before she threw them over her head, protecting her from the "monsters" around her. She didn't particularly enjoy feeling stuffed under the hot sheets, her legs and hands growing sweaty, but knew this way the monsters couldn't see her. Therefore, if the creatures she imagined surrounding her couldn't find her then they shouldn't be able to harm her. It made perfectly good sense to Eliza's six year old brain.
The little girl tried to quiet her loud breaths, sure everything lurking in her room could hear, but failed. Being stuck underneath the thick quilts was making her breathing deeper and heavier.
"I'm feeling claustroflobic, Mr. Hoppy," Eliza whispered to the small penguin beside her. She continued the pretend conversation with the stuffed toy.
"Why don't you call to your mommy?" Mr. Hoppy offered in her imagination.
"I'll try, but the monsters can hear!" she exclaimed, her voice still at a very soft level. "You'll be my watch-penguin for any scary creatures, okay?" Eliza slowly pulled back a couple sheets above her before grabbing Mr. Hoppy and sticking him up into the pitch black room. "Do you see anything?" she wondered, pulling the plush animal back to safety with her. Eliza closed the small opening of covers.
Suddenly the floor creaked under the weight of a lanky, hairy beast slinking around the bed while the walls moaned.
"Mommy? Mommy?" she asked in a hushed tone to the empty room. "They're here, Mommy. The monsters are just waiting for me to get out of bed," the young girl continued. "They're all waiting in the dark!"
Last edited by ShootingStars on Sun Jan 22, 2012 2:20 pm, edited 2 times in total.
When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. Anything your heart desires will come to you. -Jiminy Cricket

Don't be afraid to jump, to leap, to fly too far and don't be scared to touch the stars!
  





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Fri Jan 20, 2012 9:13 pm
TheClosetKidnapper says...



Hey! :) I liked this a lot. It was entertaining. Just a few things.

1. A childlike mind. You seemed to have grasped the idea, slipping into it, in the beginning but after that it seemed more and more like Eliza was older than she is. You have her say the word "claustrophobic"... Isn't that a little much for a six year old?

2. I loved the sticky, sweaty body under the covers part but there are other places lacking detail. When Eliza first begins hearing noises, or the "monsters", we assume she is scared but didn't feel the fear with her. Try describing how her heart began beating frantically at the sound of monsters or how the heat was no longer the only reason she was sweating. Pull us into the story and make us feel like we're Eliza, under a blanket afraid of imaginary monsters.

3. Last but not least, your beginning. You brought us right into the action (in this case, climbing into bed and being tucked in) but it seemed a bit abrupt. Lengthen it a little bit. Describe the setting, her mother, Eliza's appearance, etc...

Other than that, great story! I'll be looking forward to be reading more of your works! :D
I'm never what I like
I'm double sided
And I just can't hide
I kind of like it
When I make you cry
'Cause I'm twisted up, twisted up
Inside

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Sat Jan 21, 2012 2:56 am
ShootingStars says...



Thanks UpandOut! Thank you for the reviews! One thing I have to mention though is that when you said Eliza said, "Claustrophobic" she actually stated "Claustroflobic". Anyways I agree with everything else. I was kind of in a rush when writing this so I'll go back over it. Thank you! :D
---Shooting Stars
When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. Anything your heart desires will come to you. -Jiminy Cricket

Don't be afraid to jump, to leap, to fly too far and don't be scared to touch the stars!
  





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Sun Jan 22, 2012 8:07 am
ENCR says...



Hi,

I really like the idea for your story here, capturing a child's fear of the night, but I think you could use a little more detail. I think right when you get into the heart of the story, where Eliza is alone and begins hearing strange things, you could be a little more descriptive. She hears the floorboards popping then "Eliza tried to ignore the strange noises filling her room like the rapping on her glass window, and push away the odd feeling that she was being watched by someone hidden in the shadows in the corner." Try breaking up this sentence and really describe what she is experiencing. Something like, 'the fingers of a green beast gently tapping on the window from outside, trying desperately to provoke fear inside the room.' Or something like, 'red eyes in the darkness, peering carefully over the furthest corners of the room, melting the fabric of the blanket covering Eliza.' A little more description will help us as readers connect with the story more.

Also, instead of "She imagined the stuffed toy told her she needed to call her mom," continue the conversation with the penguin as if it is really talking back to Eliza.

There are a lot of people who were scared of the dark as children. If you are able to make us relate to your character's fear of the dark on a personal level then you will have a great story on your hands.

Your story is premised on a feeling, you should try and make your audience feel what you are writing about.

Good job! I enjoyed reading it!
  





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Mon Jan 23, 2012 4:01 pm
Angelreader77 says...



Stars!
Here to review~
The idea of this story was great. Lots of people here can relate to this story, as many of them were scared of the dark at some point of time. :D
I like the way you've portrayed that Eliza is a six-year old kid, showing her childlike innocence and fears. Only once did you slip out of character: when she said claustroflobic. Even if it isn't claustrophobic, I don't think a six-year-old kid will know that word in first place. How about something like stuffy?
So, characters and plot- good.
I didn't find any grammar mistakes either or any nitpicks. :D
You're mainly trying to make the reader feel what Eliza is feeling, right? If that's the case, there's lots of potential in this story which you can use.
ShootingStars wrote:Then the wooden floorboards suddenly popped, very quietly but still audible. Her eyes shot open.

This sentence was really good. Instead of going on to what else she heard, I think you can write what she thought. At this point, Eliza must be feeling many things. She'd be scared, her heart must be racing, she must be thinking of what could happen to her or what monster is there. She could be trying to calm herself, lull herself to sleep, a dozen things! Show that!
Those few lines on what she heard can be expanded.
ShootingStars wrote:Eliza grasped the blankets around her before she threw them over her head, protecting her from the "monsters" around her. She didn't particularly enjoy feeling stuffed under the hot sheets, her legs and hands growing sweaty, but knew this way the monsters couldn't see her. Therefore, if the creatures she imagined surrounding her couldn't find her then they shouldn't be able to harm her. It made perfectly good sense to Eliza's six year old brain.

I like this. :)
Again, this is a great idea and story and it helped me remember the tiny part of me that used to be scared of the dark. :)
Keep Writing!
Angel
"The cure for anything is salt water- sweat, tears or the sea." --Isaac Dinesen
  





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Mon Jan 23, 2012 10:35 pm
ShootingStars says...



Thank you for the great help, y'all! I'll keep all these points in mind!
---Shooting Stars
When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. Anything your heart desires will come to you. -Jiminy Cricket

Don't be afraid to jump, to leap, to fly too far and don't be scared to touch the stars!
  





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Fri Jan 27, 2012 1:50 am
Dragonette says...



Definitely a cute story, although, I must admit, it was very cliche. But still it was pretty dang good! I'm actually not very good at the whole reviewing thing, so I appologize for that :/
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