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Twenty Questions



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Mon Jan 09, 2012 3:50 am
silentwords says...



Spoiler! :
I'm writing this for a school assignment, so any corrections and suggestions would be very helpful and appreciated. Thanks! (:


Still half asleep, I could hear the soft thud of footsteps coming towards me. I forced my tired eyes to open slightly, but I couldn’t see anything. The sun wasn’t up yet, which meant that I shouldn’t be up either. Just as I was closing my eyes, a figure hovered over me like a cluster of rainclouds.
“Maddie? Mad-” A warm hand covered my mouth, interrupting my murmuring.
I squinted my eyes to try and get a better look. I then watched as something swung down towards me. There was a sharp pain on the side of my head, and then nothing. I felt nothing, saw nothing, and heard nothing. I was back asleep.
***
My eyes fluttered open. My head felt foggy, as if I had just been cramming for a final exam. I slowly sat up in my bed, and stretched out my back. That’s when I realized it. I felt like an idiot for not realizing it sooner. I was not in my bed, and this was not my room.
My blue eyes widened. “What the? Oh my god,” the words flopped out of my mouth.
My heart took off like a race car. It was louder, faster, and definitely not at a safe speed. My eyes scanned the small room for some sort of clue as to where I was, but everything looked so ordinary. There were four brick walls, all coated with a cheap, white paint. The floor was an unfinished concrete, with various paint splatters. There was one light fixture that hung from the low ceiling that gave the room an orangey glow. The room had a very familiar musty smell to it, but I couldn’t decipher where it was from. It was strong and distinct, but indescribable all the same. This room reminded me of a typical basement. I could be anywhere.
Beside the cot that I was sleeping on, there was a small wooden end table. On it held a walkie-talkie, with a typed note taped to the front. The note read: When you wake up, turn on the walkie-talkie and press the red button three times.
I picked up the walkie-talkie and fiddled with it in my hands. After pressing the red button, which made a loud screeching noise each time I clicked it, I waited for some sort of response.
“Well, good morning, Avery. I was afraid you’d never wake up,” a robotic voice came through the walkie-talkie.
This person knew my name? A muscle in my shoulder twitched. I sat there frozen, staring at, but not really seeing the wall across from me.
After a moment of silence, the voice asked, “Avery? Avery, are you there?”
I opened my mouth to say something, but no words came out. What were you supposed to say to the person who kidnapped you? I had a few nice things that I wanted to say, but none of which would do me any good.
“If you would like any chance whatsoever of getting out of here, I suggest you answer me,” I could hear the frustration building in my abductor’s voice.
“Yes,” I whispered.
I could feel my throat drying up, and the smell of the room was beginning to make me feel nauseous. I focused my eyes on the ceiling lamp and started chewing on my bottom lip.
The voice came through the walkie-talkie again, “Ah, well it is nice to see that you have decided to co-operate. Now then, shall we begin?”
“Begin? Begin what? Please just let me out of here. Please.”
“Awe, now Avery, I would love to let you go, but first you must win the game. If you win, you get to go harm-free, but if not…well, we will cross that bridge when we get to it.”
Tears began to collect on my lower lashes, causing my vision to blur. I blinked my eyes to try and clear them, but they were quickly replaced.
I sniffled once before asking, “What game?”
“Twenty questions.”
I wiped my tears on the sleeve of my pajama top. “Please, please just let me go. My roommates must be worried by now. They are going to come looking for me. Ju-just let me…let me go. I haven’t d-done anything…anything wrong. I’m a good person, I swear.”
“A good person? You, a good person? Is that some sort of joke? If you really were a good person, then you wouldn’t be here.” My kidnapper sneered. The voice then continued in a lighter tone, “Oh, and don’t worry about your roommates. I know that Emily and Leila are back home for the weekend. And as for Madison, no worries, I left her a note from you saying that you’d be studying in the library for the day. I know you do that often.”
“You’ve been stalking me?” I squeaked.
“Well I wouldn’t word it like that. You make it sound so terrible. I have just been…keeping an eye on you. Anyways, you murdered my brother. You murdered him and you don’t even care. I have been watching you live your happy, self-absorbed life, while my brother is dead and my family is in mourning. It’s not fair. Now, don’t you dare try to and lie and say that you care, but I know you don’t. You only care about yourself. Personally, I don’t even think you can recall who he is.”
“What? What are you talking about? I have never killed anyone in my life! I promise. You – you have the wrong person. I’m…I’m not a killer. I’m not. Just let-let me go.” I sobbed.
The voice came back in a rush, “Shut up! You are lying, and I don’t want to hear any of it!” There was a brief pause, and what sounded like deep breathing before the person continued, “Now then, you have five hours to remember my deceased brother. I will allow you to ask me five yes or no questions every hour. You only have five guesses, which you can use at any point. If you either run out of guesses, or time, then you lose. Understand?”
I bobbed my head, as if the person could see me.
“Do you understand?” The voice growled.
“Yes! Yes, I understand.”
“Good. Your time begins now. I will be back in an hour.”
I heard a clicking noise as the person disconnected their walkie-talkie. I left mine on as I sat there. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. I felt numb and detached. This couldn’t actually be happening. Not to me. I’m a good person.
The cot groaned I pushed myself off of it. I began pacing in a circle around the room. Everything felt like it was happening in slow motion. I felt like I was watching a movie that had just been on pause, and was now moving forward in short jagged clips. I walked and walked. I have no idea how much time had passed. I just walked and tried to make some sense of all of it. Every once in a while I would get a sharp pain in the side of my head.
When I started to feel light headed, I went back to my cot. I curled up on my side, and closed my eyes. I let the tears slip through my closed lids and soak into the pillow. There was nothing else for me to do.
“You may ask your first question.” I sat up at the sound of the robotic voice.
I quickly grabbed a hold of the walkie-talkie and spoke into it, “How do I know your brother?”
“Yes or no questions only. It’s not that difficult.” I could hear the person grinding their teeth.
“Oh, right. Umm…do I know your brother?”
“Yes.”
“From where? I mean, does he go to my university?”
“No, and he died, remember? You should, since you caused it.”
What was this person talking about? I haven’t killed anyone. Maybe they are just trying to mess with me. Maybe there really is no “brother”. I’m going to die.
I took a deep breath in and pushed my dark brown hair away from my face. “Did-did he work with me?”
“No.”
I began chewing on my bottom lip. I could feel the tears forming again. “Did he…did he grow-grow up near me?”
“Yes.”
“On the same street?”
“No. Your first question period is now over. Would you like to guess?”
I ran my fingers over the smooth bumps of the walkie-talkie.
“No.”
I heard a click as the person turned off their walkie-talkie. I looked down at mine. I let out a scream as I whipped it against the wall. With the release of the walkie-talkie, came the release of my tears. I couldn’t take this anymore. I wanted to go home. I had to go home. Otherwise I was going to die down here.
At some point during my fit of tears, I must have fallen asleep, because I was woken up by my abductor’s agitated voice, “Avery? Avery! Where are you? If you don’t answer me now, you will miss your second question period.”
I rubbed my eyes, and could still feel the tears clinging to my thick lashes. I picked up the walkie-talkie.
The person calmly said, “Fine. You missed your opportunity then. Your loss.”
“Wait! No, no, I’m here. Sorry.”
There was a pause, and I would have just assumed that the person had left, but I never heard the click.
I decided to try asking my question, “Is he my age?”
“Yes.”
“Did he go to my high school?”
“Yes.”
“Did we have classes together?”
“Yes.”
I twirled a piece of my hair around my finger. “Umm…”
“Umm?” The person mocked me.
“Did we hang out together?”
“What do you mean?”
I was caught off guard by the person actually asking me a question for once. “Oh…umm…did we hang around the same group of friends?”
“No. This round is over. Would you like to guess?”
“No.” I rolled my eyes and exhaled deeply. This was going nowhere. I have narrowed it down, but to what? A little under two hundred guys. There is no way that I’m going to figure this out. Especially since I haven’t actually killed anyone. This is useless.
I leaned my head against the wall behind my cot. The wall felt cold and sent a chill down the length of my back. There had to be some way to figure this out. There just had to be.
Suddenly I got an idea. I opened the drawer of the end table and stuck my hand into the back of it. I smiled to myself when I found exactly what I was looking for. I pulled out a pen and a pad of paper. This was perfect, a little too perfect. Perhaps this was a part of my kidnapper’s sick game, but I didn’t have time to worry about that. I began scribbling down the names of all of the boys that I went to high school with. I skipped over the ones who I knew where an only child and who I hung around frequently.
By the time I was done, my hand had completely cramped up and I was left with 136 names. 136 names. Great.
I had started to list possible questions that I could ask, when I heard the voice again, “You may now ask your next five questions.”
I was ready for this. Looking down at my list, I asked the first one, “Does he have light coloured hair?”
“No.”
“Is he taller than me?”
“Yes.”
I continued down my list, “Was he at my high school all four years?”
“Yes.”
“Did he go to my elementary school?”
“No.”
“Did he play on any school sport teams?”
“No. This question period is over. Would you like to guess?”
I smiled. “No, I’ll wait.”
“Fine. You have one hour left. Good-bye.” I heard the disconnection click.
I went back over my list and crossed off as many names as I could. When I was finished, I was left with thirty-seven names. Now that is definitely an improvement.
I sat cross-legged on my cot until I heard, “Your last question session will begin now.”
I took a deep breath in. I could feel my stomach twisting into knots. “Okay. Did he go back for another year of high school?”
“No.”
Okay, now that brings me down to thirty-one. I’m making progress.
“Did he go to school dances often?”
“Yes.”
Twenty-two.
“Did we ever hang out together outside of school?”
“No.”
Fourteen.
“Umm…did he…”
“You’re time is running out.”
“I’m thinking!” I snapped. “Are you older than him?”
“Me? Yes, I am.”
Eleven.
“Last question,” the voice reminded me.
“Okay. Did he win any academic awards at graduation?”
“Yes. You have used up all of your questions. Now you must guess.”
“Okay.”
I looked over my list. I was left with nine names. I was surprised by how much I narrowed it down, but I still didn’t know who this guy was. I had to take a chance. That’s really all I could do.
I began rambling off names, “Eric Cole?”
“No.”
“Brody Maser?”
“No.”
“Adam Torino?”
“No.”
I took a deep breath in and read over the names that were left. I had two guesses left. I had to get this right. Closing my eyes, I asked, “Carter Caine?”
There was a pause. In hope I opened my eyes, just as I heard the boastful, “No. Last guess.”
“Umm…umm…” There were five names left and I still couldn’t figure out who it was. The tears were coming back and my breathing was laboured. Neither of which was helping me to decide. “Okay, is your brother Zach Cooper?”
I held my breath.
I heard a soft laughter come through the walkie-talkie. “No. Game over.”
Everything inside of me shut down, like a computer that has been unplugged. The walkie-talkie fell from my hand and made a loud thud as it hit the cement.
The door at the other end of the room opened. I couldn’t move my head, so I just lifted my eyes towards it. I knew that I should have been terrified, but I couldn’t feel a thing.
A tall, slender figure walked through the door. It was a girl with long brown hair. I couldn’t see her face because it was tilted down. She slowly raised her head and bore her brown eyes into mine.
My eyes stretched wide open. “Madison.”
Her face contorted into a smile as she strode towards me. “Hello, Avery. Are you surprised to see me?”
I could hear my heart beating loudly in my chest. I pulled my eyebrows tightly in together. “Yes. That…that was you? On the walkie-talkie?”
“Oh no, I just happened to come down here.” Madison shrugged her shoulders lightly. “Of course it was me, you idiot!” She snapped.
I pressed myself against the wall. My eyes bounced around the room looking for some way out, or for something to defend myself with. There was nothing. I was trapped.
“But wait? What did I do to your brother?” I asked.
I didn’t even know she had a brother.
She drew her eyebrows in and her lips curled up. “My brother liked you. He really liked you. I don’t know why, but said you were special. The only special thing about you is how closely you resemble a rat. Ugh, with the scrunched up face, pinched nose, and squeaky voice, oh it’s scary. Anyways, even though he liked you for some strange reason, you didn’t give two shits about him. My brother thought that you didn’t even know his name. He asked you to go to a few school dances with him, but every time you would always find an excuse not to go. You would ignore him in the hallways, and never made any attempt to talk to him. This shattered his self-esteem. I mean, you completely crushed him. He ended up killing himself a year ago today. He took his life because of the self-absorbed people like yourself who would always ignore him. You killed my brother. It was all your fault.”
“Wait what? What are you talking about? Who even is your brother?” None of this was making any sense.
“Aiden Stifler. Oh, and yeah I lied about my last name. Opps.” She shrugged and shot me a fake smile.
“Aiden Stifler? But…but he wasn’t one of my last choices. What?” My eyes bounced between the pad of paper beside me and Madison who was now standing over me.
My trembling hands picked up the page. I quickly scanned over the list. He was on there, but I scratched him out. How could I scratch him out?
“See! I knew that you wouldn’t remember him. You never cared about him. You only care about yourself. You’re selfish and that is exactly why you don’t deserve to live.”
She slid her hand into her back jean pocket. She pulled out a gleaming silver knife. She twirled it in her hand, and her face twitched into a mask of pure delight. I have never seen her like this before. I have never seen anyone like this before.
“Please, Maddie! I’m sorry! I had no idea. Please don’t do this! We’re friends, Maddie, we’re friends. Please, you don’t need to do this.” I cried.
In a soothing voice Madison replied, “I know you had no idea. And that was your problem. Oh, and don’t be ridiculous, I never liked you.”
She raised the knife high in the air, and it gleamed in the light. I took one last glimpse of Madison’s wicked face before squeezing my eyes closed for the last time. Game over.
Last edited by silentwords on Tue Jan 10, 2012 4:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
I'd like to think I'm creative... instead of just plain weird ;D
  





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Tue Jan 10, 2012 4:07 am
sargsauce says...



Pretty entertaining. I like how it came back to the beginning with Madison and how we could have possibly made the connection there.

I think the "oh my gosh" at the beginning was quite the understatement. And you're apparently not limited by language because you say the S word later on.

Saying your heart rate accelerated like a racecar was rather elementary sounding. I liked the line that came after it, though, about the unsafe speed. Colloquial. Maybe instead, you can say, "My heart took off like a racecar" or something.

The rest was very fast paced and nice and carried us through the end. I thought the idea of making it about a guessing game was interesting. I would've liked it if you made better use of the times in between. Some more racing thoughts, maybe trying to work through the clues or come up with escape plans or something. Instead, it was all about the questions, so it makes the idea of the time restraints seem less relevant.

I think the "you didn't pay attention to him so he killed himself" angle is something we've seen in deranged killers often enough. Just food for thought.
  





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Tue Jan 10, 2012 5:34 pm
tanya98 says...



I found this really interesting . I'm guessing you watch a lot of murder and mystery programs ? . It sounded like something that would happen in this show "Castle" . There's not much, actually there's nothing to correct but I have one question, how come no one noticed both of them gone ?. It would be seriously cool if you wrote the other half of the story like "After a month they found a body in a ditch" and it's from the point of view of a detective . Yeah it's awesome !

Please write the point of view of the officer !, I want to know then what happens! Oh ! and I love the way at the end you ended it with just "Game over." .

Once again seriously good !
-Tanya / tanya98
It's not gravity that's tying you to the earth but that one person - Jacob Black
  








We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.
— T.S. Eliot