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Young Writers Society


For the mercy of the dying devil



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Sat Jan 07, 2012 4:42 pm
chetanbhasin says...



Sorry to delete the post people, I had to publish it somewhere else! Thank you very much for the help though. I have made sure to save all the reviews I received.
Last edited by chetanbhasin on Thu Jan 12, 2012 8:26 am, edited 2 times in total.
I would be glad if you review my work, How difficult life could be





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Sat Jan 07, 2012 7:52 pm
WelcomingException says...



I comment as I read so you as the writer understand what is going on in the readers head as they read your work, I hope this helps and I will comment below and well with overall thoughts.

Red is correction
Blue is commentary

My hallucinations are realized? almost always, so did my horoscope this season, for the first time.I really don't get what you are try to say here... I have never believed in fortune tellers, but my heart speaks to me about lot of things - the things that belong to my past, present and future, as well take this out and just put a period.Listening to my heart is all what I have done from the very first day. [---I had in this world.] The points where I refused to agree to myself were the points that made me travel through the path of suffering.

Memories - they never die, there are as many of them as I can think of.don't like this becuase memories are what you remember so of course there are as many as you can think of! I talk about telling stories all the time, and I have a lot of them to share. There have been very few people in my life who could understand my stories, and even few of them understood what I had really meant by a ‘story’.Interesting

I was holding together the parts my dislocated right arm when the doctor pulled my left hand to inject the pain killers. This seems to be were the really story starts, and I am very interested and I want to read more The injection, in itself, was a huge device that would scare the hell out of anyone who had it for the first time, but fortunately all the fear and pain just disappeared when I saw it coming close to me. I was more focused on the path that long needle followed penetrating my skin with the small hole in it that ejected drugs in my blood. Blood through my heart started rushing as the fluid entered my body and started to travel inside me. I thought the injection would put me to sleep, but it didn’t, instead it made me feel as if I was drunk.I would personally add a sentance saying *Codeine* or *Morphine * just to add emphasise

The process of reallocation of bones started, I was scared that it would hurt a lot, but it did not. This time I didn’t even feel the joint slipping good imagery, and in less than a fraction of a second my hand was moving properly again. I was given only a minute or two to analyze what was happening before everything diminished to dreams, and when I woke up I was in my bed.

I heard my phone ringing but couldn’t read the text on it for I was not in my senses because of drugs, weirdly structured, I was once again knocked down by the anesthetics before I could reply the text. It was more than an hour after which light appeared to me again, I made my left hand up and towards my phone as I summoned all my energy to break the drowsiness. I neither had any energy to read the screen, nor any courage to reply to the message, so I just typed down a short humming expression before clicking the send button, and once again I was defeated by sleep. is the main character still hooked up to stuff? how are they in there home?

"11:55 am don't need the ", I read on my phone before putting it back in my pocket. “You must wait and have a conversation with your fellow people”, said my heart to which my hurried feet were not ready to listen to. I was leaving for home after completing my morning physics class at Educare. Usually, I take up the route from park to my home on my returning journey so that I can get a glimpse of trees and garden where I sometimes stop by to get some peace. It was an awkward day that for the sake of traffic on the road I decided to taking a different route.The main charcters out of bed already?! thats kinda fast?

I had to stop reading here because of my parents...

I pass against a huge car which was parked at left when I was almost hit by a huge vehicle which I didn’t even notice, there was another car that rushed behind me as I made my steps back. In this ordeal of seconds I didn’t realize the coming of two heavy men and hitting me right in my arms. My muscles were weak from the past 10 arm injuries that I had simultaneously months after months. I felt the bones rubbing against my flesh and slipping through each other, dodging every other fraction of calcium in my elbow. I tried to pull the dislocated bone back to its position before it was too late, but before I could realize it had slipped way too far away. I knew what exactly was happening to me for the same being happened to me a lot of times before that day, I found myself screaming in the middle of the road trying to move my legs back towards Educare. “Someone will be coming home tonight”, my heart proclaimed, and it never lies to me. My classmates assisted me to the Educare where I waited before leaving for orthopedic clinic.

For all the termed relationships I ever had in my life, I found out a strangely true thing - there is no breaking point for them, instead they just disappear like they have never existed at first place. There are many things in our life that we start but never end, sometimes because we have no courage to continue our efforts, and sometimes because we sacrifice them for someone who deserves them less than someone else. Either way, for the mercy of dying devil heroic sacrifices are made - those we must be proud of and shall accept without fear. Strong is not the one who consider giving up on a sacrifice, but those who stand up again making even harder effort to persuade their dreams. Heart speaks to us a lot, and it tells us that mercy doesn’t change our destinations. Things that others do for us are often spoiled by us, and others spoil our efforts as well, but the mercy doesn’t stop there - it keeps on moving on the path of desires of the eye that observes the beauty of the nature. For the mercy of the dying devil heroic sacrifices are made, but for those who work for mercy are those who receive the blessings of universe and the lord of love and peace!


Ok! Overall it was a little confusing but I loved the gore!
What a Welcoming Exception *





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Sun Jan 08, 2012 4:25 am
Ranger Hawk says...



Hi there! I'm Hawk and I'm here to review.

Okay, so I got a vague idea of what you were getting at with your story, and I think it's intriguing and has potential - it's just very hard to follow. I was very confused by the premise of the story, as there really doesn't seem to be much rhyme or reason; you give us a bunch of unconnected incidents that don't seem to have a goal or purpose towards which the main character is striving. This alone makes it hard to relate to, and then the commentary at the beginning and the end only serve to make it feel like there was some kind of moral that I was supposed to grasp - but it felt a little empty.

I'm going to break this review up into four chunks: (1) the beginning, with the first couple of paragraphs that are talking about hallucinations and dreams, (2) the part with the doctor and the healing arm, (3) the car accident, and (4) the ending. I'm going to focus on addressing the issues in each section. Here we go!

(1) Alright, this is the beginning. That being so, it should be the most engaging, intriguing part that immediately hooks the reader's interest and makes them want to read more. You want to grasp their attention and keep them riveted throughout the rest of the story. Unfortunately, I didn't feel that this was super eye-catching. I think you can change it so that it's more engaging and that'll give your story a stronger start.

Take the first two lines, for example. It's interesting, but the wording instantly turns me off. I find it very hard to understand, and it seems like you're missing some words in there!
My hallucinations are realized almost always I would avoid this wording altogether. Not only does it make it sound like the hallucinations should be realizing something, but the order of the words messes up the meaning. Try something like, "My hallucinations almost always come true," just something that's clearer., so did and so was my horoscope this season, for the first time. I have never believed in fortune tellers, but my heart speaks to me looks like you're missing "about" here a lot of things - the things that belong to my past, present and future, as well.

Now, this is all very well and good; I like finding out that the narrator seems to have some kind of psychic or intuitive abilities. Just give this information to me in an exciting way. Show us what it is he's seen and what has come true, instead of merely telling us about it. It's so much more engrossing when I, the reader, get to actually see what you, the author/character, are talking about instead of simply being told about it. Tell me, would you rather I told you all about the newest blockbuster movie, or would you like to see it all with your own eyes? It's a similar situation here - let me see what's happened, instead of being told. This is where the next paragraph comes in.

(2) Okay, so you've done a good job with the descriptions here. I have to say, this is probably my favorite part of the story. I found it interesting, a little worrisome, and overall it was just easy to understand what was happening; I was seeing it happen in real time, if that makes sense. I was "watching" it happen, and I think that's a great way to portray this scene. I don't have much criticism here, other than, watch your sentences! Read them aloud to make sure you're not missing a word here or there. Also, break up some of your longer sentences into smaller ones; use that period! It helps make the narrative flow easier on your reader's eyes.

(3) I'm starting this from "I heard my phone ringing." Now, this is where I felt like the story was unraveling. You transitioned very abruptly from one scene to the next, and I had a hard time following the timeline. He was in the hospital, still drugged out and feeling tired. Then he's suddenly back in business, seemingly fine; is this a day or so after the entire hospital scene? Or is this what happened before, and the dislocated arm came from this accident? I think you need to clarify the timeline here.

Another thing I'd like to see is more description regarding the accident. You make this scene too technical, in my opinion. Most people, upon getting hit by a car, aren't thinking about the different muscles that are getting strained or how the bone and calcium is being affected; they're more along the lines of, "I just got hit! I feel extreme pain! I hope I don't die!" you know? There's just more panic, more of a sense of shock, not a detached account of the different, specific injuries he's receiving at the time. Try to convey this by showing us what he's thinking, by describing what's going on around him. Use sensory images; in other words, what are his five sense picking up on? In general, what's he hearing, seeing, feeling? You don't have to do that for every scene (indeed, that'd make for a really boring way of describing a scene!), but just keep those thoughts in mind as you're writing out the details.

(4) Now, the final part. To be honest, I'm not quite sure how it exactly ties into the rest of your story. It seemed like you were making quite an emphasis on the heart's ability to be a sort of fortune teller, warning him about upcoming events. Now you're talking about mercy and I don't quite know how that ties in. I think you've got a nice bit about how mercy works, but it just isn't related to the rest of the story well enough for me to feel like it's all connected. It's a big change in direction and I don't know if, in this story's setting, it's appropriately placed here. You can tie it in nicely I think if you expand a little more on how the heart is related to mercy, and then it'll make for a nice ending.

All right, so that's all I've got to say. I hope something I said in there will help! Let me know if you've got any questions or whatnot.

Cheers!
~Hawk
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle





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Sun Jan 08, 2012 8:59 am
chetanbhasin says...



Wow! Well thanks a lot guys for your suggestions!

Actually, this story was not really fictions, it's something that I personally experienced. Although, you people are right about the timeline, and many other things too. Thank you for the help, and I am making the corrections as soon as possible! :D
I would be glad if you review my work, How difficult life could be








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