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a snippet of thought



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Thu Jan 05, 2012 2:37 pm
casualentries says...



It has been quite some time since I have actually put pen to paper. Well, so to speak. Outside these four walls the world is buzzing. The sun beats down on the grounds with such strength it overwhelms the foliage. The streets are filled with tourists attracted from all over the nation. Many look happy to be basking in the heat but some express a look upon their faces that suggest the inability to walk another step in this dessert. Perhaps they should have stayed home. Although I sit here planted in my chair, my eyes on my screen, my palms pressed upon the keyboard and my feet firmly grounded, my thoughts drift mindlessly somewhere between here, hometown and Asia. Although my father and I were born on opposite ends of the scale, it's safe to say I know his ways fairly thoroughly. He loves his family very much, and his protective instincts are so strong it too is overwhelming. I can only begin to imagine what is passing through his mind as another of his sons pursues his happiness on the other side of this Earth. To raise a child, to protect it, to provide it with so much time and energy proves something draining, yet nothing else on this world could come anywhere near to it's importance. To let that child board a plane many years later to a place they have never set eyes on before takes a sense of control that not many of us could deal with. I can imagine my father lying awake, his eyes rest upon the slither of light that shines from the moons reflection in between the window pane and the curtain, his thoughts are not opaque, his thoughts are not deflected, nor scattered. They are simple. His immense concern for his sons safety. He mulls through his thoughts as he lays wide awake, not a sense of tiredness drops his eyes. He remembers the birth of his boy, like pristine picture he dwells in the memory of a perfect little boy brought into this world. Perfection at it's absolute finest, a work of art created from all the madness in this world. My father makes an oath to himself, he shares it with no one. But he swears it upon his own mothers grave. He will protect this little boy with his own life if need be. He will protect this boy as if it were his own life. HE remembers this oath as he watches the particles drift in the moonlight, he swears he cannot break this oath, this promise. Nothing is more important in this life than his son's safety.
  





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Thu Jan 05, 2012 8:35 pm
Niebla says...



He casualentries,

I like your writing style! However, I did notice quite a few mistakes which I'll try and correct below so that you can change them.

1) Although this is quite a short piece, it's still huge for a single block of text -- therefore, I think you need to seperate it out into paragraphs. I'm not sure if you did seperate it out and copy and pasting it onto YWS clumped them together or whether you didn't actually seperate them out, but whichever way, it would be great if you went back and did seperate them to make it easier for other reviewers. :smt001

I've quoted your story below and I'll sepereate it out roughly and point out some of the things I noticed in red.

It has been quite some time since I have actually put pen to paper. Well, so to speak. Outside these four walls the world is buzzing. The sun beats down on the grounds with such strength it overwhelms the foliage. The streets are filled with tourists attracted from all over the nation. Many look happy to be basking in the heat but some express a look upon their faces that suggest the inability to walk another step in this dessert. (Dessert? I think you mean desert.)Perhaps they should have stayed home. Although I sit here planted in my chair, my eyes on my screen, my palms pressed upon the keyboard and my feet firmly grounded, my thoughts drift mindlessly somewhere between here, hometown and Asia. (<-- I really like this sentence. It creates a very vivid image and I think you wrote it well.)

Although my father and I were born on opposite ends of the scale, it's safe to say I know his ways fairly thoroughly. He loves his family very much, and his protective instincts are so strong it too is overwhelming. I can only begin to imagine what is passing through his mind as another of his sons pursues his happiness on the other side of this Earth. To raise a child, to protect it, to provide it with so much time and energy proves something draining, yet nothing else on this world could come anywhere near to it's (That should be "its". "It's" is only used when you are shortening "it is".) importance. To let that child board a plane many years later to a place they have never set eyes on before takes a sense of control that not many of us could deal with. (I'm not sure if the way you've worded it there is quite right. "A sense of control" doesn't quite seem an accurate way to describe it. Perhaps you could try re-thinking that?)

I can imagine my father lying awake; his eyes rest upon the slither of light that shines from the moons reflection in between the window pane and the curtain, his thoughts are not opaque, his thoughts are not deflected, nor scattered. They are simple. His immense concern for his son's safety. He mulls through his thoughts as he lays wide awake, not a sense of tiredness drops his eyes. He remembers the birth of his boy, like pristine picture he dwells in the memory of a perfect little boy brought into this world. Perfection at it's absolute finest, a work of art created from all the madness in this world.

My father makes an oath to himself. He shares it with no one. But he swears it upon his own mothers grave. He will protect this little boy with his own life if need be. He will protect this boy as if it were his own life. HE remembers this oath as he watches the particles drift in the moonlight, he swears he cannot break this oath, this promise. Nothing is more important in this life than his son's safety.


Really, there aren't many things wrong with this piece at all. To be honest, I can't see that it's going anywhere -- it's not much of a story, but you still create some very vivid images in my mind. I do like your writing style, and I would love to read something you wrote with more of a story, more actions and dialogue in it.

Still, I do like the very thorough way you've described the situation and the things the father is going through.

One more small point -- I think you should capitalise the words in the title. It sounds quite fussy again, but some of us here on YWS are at times. :wink:

Keep writing,

~MorningMist~
  





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Fri Jan 06, 2012 7:22 pm
mistielovesyou says...



This story seems a little out of touch at times. It's really good when it gets to the characters.
But when you try to "tell" the story:

I can only begin to imagine what is passing through his mind as another of his sons pursues his happiness on the other side of this Earth. To raise a child, to protect it, to provide it with so much time and energy proves something draining, yet nothing else on this world could come anywhere near to it's importance. To let that child board a plane many years later to a place they have never set eyes on before takes a sense of control that not many of us could deal with.


It gets a little shaky. I understand: this is supposed to be the son explaining what he feels about how his father feels? But it breaks away from the story and feels stale, like you're writing an essay about a relationship between a father and a son, rather than a story.
A story is supposed to show things, not tell them.

For example, this is good:
HE remembers this oath as he watches the particles drift in the moonlight, he swears he cannot break this oath, this promise

this isn't:
Nothing is more important in this life than his son's safety.


The sentence right after the first one just feels off to me, and it's the last one.

However, I do like the first parts when you describe the setting, and towards the end when you talk about the father's feelings about his son. Just try to stay "in" the story. Very good. Good job and good luck!
mistura is awesome and she loves you
  





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Sat Jan 07, 2012 12:45 am
madimonster says...



This was wonderful- I thoroughly enjoyed reading it, please keep it up!
  





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Sun Jan 08, 2012 1:40 am
walkertalker says...



This is a very good story, and has some potential. I'm not sure where you are going with it though. As stated by another person i would recommend breaking it up into paragraphs. I would also recommend staying on track with what your trying to do. a few parts of the story it seems to go astray. I like how vivid your setting is, and i like how you describe the feelings. Overall it was well. Keep it up and good luck with this and the rest of your stories that you have.
  








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