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Young Writers Society


Of Buses and Fridges



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Sun Dec 18, 2011 10:21 pm
Cadi says...



Eddy stepped nervously onto the bus, eyed its length with a nervous glance to match. It was near-empty, just a handful of other people on it: a perfect little-old-lady stereotype in the front seat, a man in a suit with greying dark hair a little further back, and, at the very back, a teenage boy in a violently purple tracksuit. Eddy twitched slightly. At least there weren't too many of them.

"You getting on or what?"

Eddy flinched at the sudden gruff voice by his ear. The bus driver was giving him a most offensive glare, with eyebrows raised. He cleared his throat, dug his wallet out of his jacket pocket.

"Uh... One ticket, please."

"Where to?"

Eddy glanced frantically around, as though the interior of the bus would help him with the answer. It did not. A large neon sign with his destination on completely failed to leap out of the walls.

The bus driver tapped on the wheel impatiently. Eddy's mind scrabbled for an answer.

"Uh, the Randolph, please."

"Right, Beaumont Street."

"-" Eddy opened his mouth, but the driver was already punching numbers into the strange, archaic contraption at his side. It ticked and whirred, and spat out a coil of paper.

"One fifty."

Eddy opened his wallet, started to pull out a twenty, but out of the corner of his eye, he caught a change on the bus driver's face. He looked up into a glare that nearly knocked him backwards. Carefully, he slid the twenty back in, and peered into the coin partition.

As luck would have it, there was a two-pound coin in there. He handed it over, careful not to touch the man's hand. A fifty pence piece was held out. Reluctantly, he took it between finger and thumb, and dropped it into his wallet.

He looked at the driver expectantly.

The driver glowered back.

There was a moment's stand-off.

Then the driver turned back to face out of the windscreen, tapped his fingers on the wheel.

Slowly, Eddy turned towards the back of the bus.

"Your ticket."

Slowly, Eddy turned back.

"Pardon?"

"You want your ticket?"

He was looking pointedly at the coil of paper on the strange machine. Eddy reached towards it with caution. On gripping it, he failed to lose a finger to the device, which was a relief. Still cautious, he tugged.

The paper ripped, and he was left holding the coil. The driver nodded, satisfied, and leaned to look over Eddy's shoulder at the total absence of other boarders.

Once again, Eddy turned away, feeling mixed triumph and apprehension at having negotiated this first hurdle. He took a step along the bus, assessing his next step.

(Behind him, the driver was taken by a sudden fit of coughing, which sounded strangely as though it could have featured the words 'nice hat'.)

Eddy surveyed the seating with disdain. It didn't look particularly pleasant - or sanitary, for that matter. Perhaps the premium lounge was upstairs... He moved along the bus to investigate.

There was a fridge in the way.

Not a large fridge - they weren't large stairs. It was just a small, off-white cuboid, jammed between the thin dividers, but nonetheless completely in the way.

Eddy frowned at it, looked from it to the driver, to the passengers, and back to the fridge. Nobody else seemed the slightest bit concerned about this blockage. The driver just shot him an evil glare in the mirror. The old lady and the man continued to ignore him pointedly. The teenager continued to stare at him brazenly, jaws chomping endlessly on some hapless white lump.

With a swish, the doors of the bus closed. Eddy jumped, alarmed. The rumble of the engine changed pitch, and all of a sudden the whole contraption lurched forwards.

Eddy was jerked backwards, stumbled along the aisle, and toppled over onto a seat. He stifled a curse, straightened up and perched on the edge of the seat, trying not to touch too much of it.

Just as he was beginning to adjust to the unnerving sway of the bus, and thinking more about whether the vehicle was likely to explode than about staying upright, it stopped again. He was thrown forwards, and just managed to catch the vertical pole beside him, to save some remnant of dignity.

The doors swished open again. Eddy removed his hand from the pole, and frowned at it. He took his handkerchief from his jacket pocket, and carefully wiped his palm.

Up front, the driver was taking money from a new passenger. This man was short and stocky, in a short dark coat and baggy jeans. His hair was thinning, and his jaw covered in stubble.

He also had a fridge.

"...alright? Thanks mate." The man nodded to the bus driver, heaved his fridge up onto the luggage rack at the front, and swaggered down to the back of the bus.

(As he passed Eddy, he smirked. "Nice hat, mate." Eddy frowned, perplexed, and carefully ignored him.)

This time, when the bus lurched forwards, Eddy was prepared. He managed to remain upright, though the movement made his head snap back, and that hurt.

He survived another two stops and starts. Three more people boarded the bus: a woman in her thirties with a bright red coat, an old man who was the perfect counterpart to the old lady stereotype in the front seat, and a teenage girl in school uniform with the skirt hitched up high and her top button undone. Eddy blushed as she passed, his face unnervingly close to her nearly-bared chest.

Curiously, the lady in the red coat was carrying a large-ish box, with big marker-pen letters declaring 'MINI FRIDGE'. She deposited it on the luggage rack next to the jeans-man's fridge, and Eddy stared at it for a good few minutes. What-

(The woman with the coat raised her eyebrows as she passed him, but made no comment. There was a smirk from the teenager, and no response from the old man, who seemed to be having trouble seeing his hand in front of his face.)

Slowly, one stop at a time, the bus lurched through the town. Occasionally, Eddy peered through the scractched and misted window, but there was nothing he recognised out there. He shifted awkwardly on his seat, wondering whether it was possible to pick up any serious disease from prolonged contact with these chairs.

The little old lady got off the bus.

The teenager in the tracksuit slouched off, still chewing.

(He grinned at Eddy through the chewing, and muttered, "Toff,". Eddy frowned in perplexity, not quite sure what the boy meant - or to whom he was speaking.)

Eddy began to feel a modicum of anxiety. He surrendered his handkerchief to the task of wiping the window, hoping to gain a clearer view of the outside. The driver hadn't come back to talk to anyone, or made any announcements - how was he to know when he arrived at his destination?

The man in the suit got off at the same stop as the teenage girl. Eddy closed his eyes as she brushed past him again.
They lurched off, turned a corner, and suddenly he caught a glimpse of a familiar building through the windscreen. Hey - that was old Harry's place, there! That was barely a street away from the Randolph! He could get off here, and be able to find his way safely to civiliastion.

Tentatively, he rose from his seat, and began to edge forwards, as he had seen the others do. It was trickier than they made it look, and he was forced to touch the walls of the bus to keep from falling. The soles of his shoes stuck to the floor with every step, and he winced at the sound they made when he lifted them up.

The man with the baggy jeans also began to move down the bus.

The driver slammed on the brakes, or so it felt.

Eddy went flying up to the windscreen, slamming into it with an 'oof'.

(His hat came off in the fall, bouncing down the steps to rest against the door. They swished open, and it fell out into the street.)

Somehow, the jeans man completely failed to mimic this display of humiliation, and was standing by the luggage rack with a slight smirk when Eddy pulled himself upright.

Pulling together what was left of his dignity, Eddy descended the steps to the street with his head held high.

(He panicked as he realised his hat was not on his head. A moment later, he caught sight of it, on the floor by his feet, and snatched it up. He placed the hat, a soft black bowler, carefully on his head, brushing the brim softly to adjust it.)

There was a loud stamp, a clatter of collisions, and an explosion of cursing.

A fridge slammed into the back of his legs, knocking him flat onto the pavement.

(The hat tumbled off again, falling to the floor beside him.)

As Eddy got to his feet, the man with the jeans was scrambling to his, turning the air blue with words. The fridge sat squatly in the gutter between them, contriving to appear innocent.

Eddy looked down at the fridge, and up at the jeans man. Suddenly, scruffily dressed as the man was, a look of utter weariness crossed his face that struck a note of sympathy in Eddy's heart.

He crouched down, dragged the offending fridge up the kerb and out of the road. Turning it upright, he looked up at the man in the jeans.

The man looked surprised. He stretched out a hand. "Looks like I was wrong about you, mate. Thanks."

Eddy eyed the hand warily. Did he really want to- Years of ettiquette training kicked in, and he shook the man's hand, resolving to locate soap as soon as possible.

The man smiled, then ducked and picked Eddy's hat up off the ground. "Here you go. Interesting headgear, though?"

Without thinking, Eddy replied out of habit. "It was my grandfather's, you know. I wear it to remember him, really..."

The man's eyebrows rose, but he nodded politely, and bent to lift his fridge.

A spark of coherent thought leapt across Eddy's mind, and he seized his opportunity.

"Excuse me, but what's happening with all these refridgerators?"

The man shrugged, and heaved the fridge up into the air.

"Oh, you know. Fridges are cool."
"The fact is, I don't know where my ideas come from. Nor does any writer. The only real answer is to drink way too much coffee and buy yourself a desk that doesn't collapse when you beat your head against it." --Douglas Adams
  





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152 Reviews



Gender: Female
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Mon Dec 19, 2011 10:25 am
Niebla says...



Hey CadiT,

Well ... I have to say that this held my attention, to say the least! The bus driver's odd manner immediately drew me in, and by the time the mystery of the fridges began to reveal itself I couldn't stop reading. As you could expect just about anyone to be, I was desperate to know exactly why all these people were getting on with these fridges, and just what was going on. I love the way you've taken such an ordinary, dull and everyday scenario such as a bus ride and turned it into something so completely intriguing and bizarre. The way that you've described his bus journey, too, was very vivid and I think most people can relate to quite a bit of it (apart from the bit with the fridges, of course)!

I sensed some kind of element of the supernatural in there, too. For one thing, why didn't he recognise any of his surroundings? It made me think that the bus was somehow travelling in some kind of supernatural way. Secondly, fridges are heavy! How did all these people manage to lift these fridges on and off the bus with seemingly such ease?

I have to admit that at the end I was waiting for some kind of big revelation, so in a way the very end was both very slightly disappointing and satisfying to me. Disappointing because I never truly found out what was going on with all these people - but that's understandable, as that would probably make a much longer story.

The joke at the end was so unbelievably corny, but I had to admit that it made me literally snort with laughter.

For a foray into the world of comedy, it definitely wasn't too bad. Grammar and spelling wise, it was near perfect - just reading it I didn't notice any errors in particular. Humour wise, it made me laugh, even if it was perhaps just a little too corny at the end. I think most of it was very well written and just generally odd - which, after all, seems to be the whole point of the story. It was the bizarreness of the entire thing that kept me reading.

The only problem I have with this, really, is the fact that not much sorted itself out at the end. And although, as I said, the joke at the end made me laugh, it really was a bit corny. But overall, I did really like this. Keep writing - my only tip for next time is to give the readers a little more at the end!

~MorningMist~
  





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Mon Jan 09, 2012 4:45 pm
LosPresidentes says...



I can't stop laughing....
I quit
  





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Wed Jan 11, 2012 11:20 pm
silentwords says...



Hey (:
This was really interesting and entertaining! It had a weird, eerie, quirkiness to it and I think that's what I really liked about it. It was just so strange. This story seemed almost dream-like, which I really enjoyed. I also really liked your characters, especially the protagonist. Your characterization was very good and he was very believable.
I thought that this was really funny as well. There was a dry, subtle humor throughout this piece. The humor and the eeriness of this piece is what really drew me in and kept me reading. I was also really curious about what was going on with the fridges. It was just so weird.
The beginning was really good, specifically the conversation between him and the bus driver. Their personalities were so different, it was perfect. I especially liked when he was going to give him a 20 but then he saw him glaring...ahahahahh!

I only have two questions about this:
1. What was the point of the story? I thought that everything would make sense at the end and there would be some sort of explanation/resolution, but it just ended. I did like your ending line, I thought it was funny, but it just didn't resolve the story. It made the whole story seem kind of pointless. Which is another reason why it reminded me of a dream, things just happen but for no logical reason.
2. How come he took the bus in the first place? Did he actually have to go to that place, or did he just say it? At the beginning of the story it seemed like he was just getting on the bus for no reason and that he only said that place to give the driver an answer. I just wasn't too sure why he would want to get on the bus for fun, considering how grossed out he was by it.

I found some grammar corrections:
(The hat tumbled off again, falling to the floor beside him.)

I would change it to ground, pavement, grass, or something like that. Also you don't need the brackets. There were a few places where you used them and I'm not too sure why. The story is fine without them.

and a teenage girl in aschool uniform



"-" Eddy opened his mouth

You don't need that.
Not a large fridge - they weren't large stairs

This part threw me off. I would re-word or just get rid of the part about the large stairs.

Anyways, overall I really liked this piece. It was unique and refreshing to read. I'm still not entirely sure what the point is, and I wish there was more of a resolution, but I still liked it. Great work (:
I'd like to think I'm creative... instead of just plain weird ;D
  





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Thu Jan 12, 2012 12:02 pm
Yuriiko says...



Hey Cadi!

I thought this was pretty good. The story itself entertained me from the first part until the last one. Although, I agree with the reviewers above me that I was expecting really, a good reason to answer my curiosity at the ending. I'm still wondering why some passengers carried these small refrigerators. But leaving your readers with an unanswered question, leaves us to wonder or perhaps create or think of any satisfying possible conclusion of what really is the significance of refrigerators in the story. Also about the hat, I wish you could have described to us how it really looked like. It seems to be one of the major highlights in the story but the description was insufficient.

The characters were pretty realistic especially the bus driver. As I was reading this, I thought of Harry Potter- I think it was the fifth series when Harry gets into the bus and it was running magically fast- so Harry ended up tumbling down or involuntarily pushed against the windows. Anyways, how you portrayed Eddy here is rather fair- sometimes the story missed a lot of supporting information, for example, why he suddenly forgot his destination or even, what he really looked like. Because until now, I have a blurry view of Eddy and this I think, makes the other characters outshine him.

Grammar wise, there are some quite errors I have noticed- so try to reread and if you stumble onto something- you'll probably notice it so try fixing them up. Also, I have observed that you tend to use adjectives and adverbs a lot. Like there are times when I see a lot of "perplexed", "anxious" or "offensive glare"- these words tend to weaken your prose since it doesn't really provide a good description in the story. Perhaps just portray us how the driver glance back at him, or even show Eddy's facial reactions. In addition, you could have too described the outside setting (the places past by the bus), since Eddy is quite unfamiliar with the place. So try showing more and less on telling. However, I though the dialogs were good- it somehow helped keep the pacing smoothly.

All in all, this is good but you might want to use windshield in the story. And fix some errors that you find when you reread this one again. So, this review is purely based on my opinions. Let me know if you have any questions- don't hesitate to sent me a PM. ^^

Keep writing,
Yuri
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal
  





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Tue Jan 17, 2012 2:10 am
CSheperd says...



Wow...this one was great hahaha Loved the punchline.
  








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